Amid the news of the coronavirus pandemic, April beckons us out of our winter hibernation and into the warmth of spring. Venus blesses us with some lighthearted, flirtatious energy when she moves into Gemini on April 3. The Full Moon in Libra on April 7 helps us bring balance to areas of our lives that are in disarray.
Mercury's transit in Aries reminds us to think before we speak but also grants us the conviction needed to speak up for ourselves when needed. Toward the end of the month, Taurus takes center stage inviting us to indulge in the sensual pleasures of life and align with more abundance.
Check out how this month's cosmic blueprint affects your sign:
Aries
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Happy birthday to the leading lady of the zodiac! Your solar return is supported by Venus entering Gemini on the 3rd, awakening the social butterfly in you. On 4/4, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction can potentially offer you a transformative career opportunity that requires you to overcome a deep-seated fear of yours. As we work our way to the Full Moon on the 7th, be mindful of your temper especially in dealing with personal and professional relationships. Getting on the same page with others may prove to be difficult when Mercury moves into your sign on the 11th. Breathe through the discord and try to find a happy middle ground.
The Sun transitions into Taurus on the 19th helping you take a more practical approach toward your finances. It's time to reel in the spending and focus on saving. The New Moon on the 22nd invites you to consider what financial goal you'd like to reach within the next six months. If you're up for adding a new source of income on your list, now is the time to tap into those hidden gifts and talents. Once Mercury moves into Taurus a few days later, you're ready to strategize your way to more wealth. On the 25th, Pluto begins its retrograde and the next several months encourages you to face any fears related to harnessing your own personal power and making shit shake when it comes to your career. It's time to lay the self-sabotage to rest and surrender to your success!
Taurus
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April kicks off with your ruling planet moving into Gemini on the 3rd. This benevolent energy blesses your finances and loves life through your gift of gab. Don't be modest, babe. Now is the time to sell yourself and that amazing product or services you have to offer. The Jupiter-Pluto conjunction on the 4th supports you with a transformative opportunity to share your expertise with a wider audience. On the 7th, the Full Moon reveals how some of your habits and routines are draining you (and maybe a hater in the workplace, too). Mercury shifts into Aries on the 11th which could bring up some hidden anger if you're not feeling heard. Use your words like a big girl and speak up for yourself in a tactful approach.
Your birthday season begins when the Sun moves into your sign on the 19th. The New Moon on the 22nd invites you to make a wish for what you want to accomplish in the next year. Don't forget to show off that new birthday makeover while you're at it. On the 25th, Pluto begins its retrograde, encouraging you to connect with the voice of your own inner guru. The time during this transit is best spent refining your code of ethics, spiritual beliefs, and philosophies about life. If you're in school, you'll feel pulled even deeper into your studies with the desire to master what you're learning. The month comes to a calm close with Mercury moving into your sign, making you the topic of discussion and the go-to for guidance, advice, or a shoulder to lean on.
Gemini
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Venus is giving you some extra TLC this month when she moves into your sign on the 3rd. As the social butterfly of the zodiac, your charm factor goes up another notch when the planet of love peruses through Gemini. On the 4th, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction helps you overcome a big fear with a lighthearted approach. Who said that healing has to be difficult? In your case, laughter is the best medicine. On the 7th, the Full Moon boosts your creativity and your need for some adventure—romance included. Love won't just show up on your doorstep so get out there and do what you do best—FLIRT!
Taurus season officially begins on the 19th and over the next month your focus is on your inner world as you prepare for your birthday season. Meditate, reflect, and get plenty of sleep. Your dreams will reveal what habits, hang ups, and relationships you need to release before your solar return. The New Moon on the 22nd offers you the karmic reset that you need to feel more confident about the new directions you're going in when it comes to exploring how you can turn your natural gifts and talents into a stream of income. On the 25th, Pluto begins its retrograde and over the next six months you'll be transforming trauma into grace, wisdom, and a deeper love and appreciation for yourself. Working with a therapist can equip you with the psychological tools you need to thrive in close, intimate connections of all kinds.
Cancer
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The month begins with Venus moving into Gemini on the 3rd. Matters of love take on a more private approach during this transit. Take it slow and get plenty of sleep to receive some new money-making ideas in your dream time. On 4/4, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction supports you in stabilizing a partnership whether romantic or professional. The Full Moon on the 7th could have you considering a move if you've outgrown your current living arrangements. At the least, there could be a convo you need to initiate with your roomie who keeps paying the rent late or leaving their mess in the common areas.
Do your best to keep your temper in check once Mercury moves into Aries on the 11th. Your drive for success is admirable. Just make sure you're not stepping on any toes or rubbing your boss the wrong way. As the saying goes, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." On the 19th, the Sun moves into Taurus, making this a good time to reconnect with friends and the New Moon on the 22nd invites you to expand your social network. Over the next month, you could be meeting some key players that will help turn your vision into a reality. On the 25th, Pluto begins its retrograde through the fall. This transit is intended to help you transform your personal boundaries so you can experience more fulfilling, healthy interactions, and relationships.
Leo
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April takes off with Venus moving into Gemini on the 3rd helping you attract good fortune and opportunities through your social network. As the saying goes, "It's not what you know. It's who you know." On 4/4, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction supports you in getting to the root of any health issues while helping you stay disciplined in making those new habits stick! The Full Moon on the 7th invites you to share our beauty with the world, whether that's through an inspirational thread of tweets or a new selfie on IG flaunting your makeup skills.
On the 11th, Mercury moves into Aries and you're in the mood for some adventure. Now that the retrograde is over, it's the perfect time to take that girls' trip to Bali. A week later, the Sun moves into Taurus which brings your focus to climbing the social, and professional, ladder. Recognition for a job well done from someone you look up to is likely during this time. On the 22nd, the New Moon could have you stepping into a new job title or more influence among those who admire you. Pluto begins its six-month retrograde on the 25th, helping you shift your energy and mindset to align with your desired lifestyle (and body goals). The month comes to a sweet close with Mercury mellowing out in Taurus for a few weeks, reminding you that achieving your goals isn't a race but a marathon instead.
Virgo
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The planet of love and money blesses your career progression with some important convos taking place throughout the month. On the 4th, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction helps you reach new heights in your creativity. It may not always feel comfortable but your authentic expression matters so don't be afraid to share your truth! The Full Moon on the 7th could reveal how you've been mismanaging your finances. Practice a little constraint by getting back on that budget. If you think you're being overworked and underpaid, this could be a good time to negotiate a raise. On the 11th, Mercury moves into Aries for a few weeks. Be mindful of any pent up aggression you're harboring and seek healthy ways to express it like taking a kickboxing class.
The Sun moves into Taurus on the 19th and your hunger for knowledge could have you applying for school or booking a trip to a distant land that you feel connected to. The New Moon on the 22nd invites you to explore a new way to approach your spiritual wellness, making this a great time to sign up for that online course about balancing your chakras. Once Mercury links up with these two luminaries, your mind is ready to absorb new information to incorporate into your own belief system as well as your spiritual practices. Toward the end of the month, Pluto begins its retrograde, helping you transform the narrative that has neglected your inner child's deepest desires for adventure, creative expression, and love.
Libra
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The beginning of the month has you curious and adventurous when it comes to matters of love. Meeting someone during your travels or in an educational setting is likely during this transit. When it comes to money, consider what you're an expert at and create a course for others who are interested in learning your craft. On the 4th, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction supports you in transforming dysfunctional family dynamics and clearing out the remnants of generational karma. Your Full Moon on the 7th invites you to show the world what you've got—whether it's your ASSets, skillset, or all of the above.
On the 11th, Mercury lights up your relationships with passion and fury. Be mindful of power struggles over the next few weeks but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself when necessary. The Sun enters Taurus on the 19th bringing your focus to sex and intimacy, making this the perfect time to get a little closer to your loved ones. The New Moon on the 22nd could present a new stream of income and, with Mercury moving into Taurus, your money-management skills are improving drastically. It's time to strategize your way out of debt and into wealth. Around the end of the month, Pluto goes retrograde, encouraging you to embrace the power of the Divine Feminine and the wonders that you can create when you embody your magical essence.
Scorpio
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April kicks off with Venus inviting you into closer, more meaningful connections. As one of the deepest signs of the zodiac, you'll enjoy this transit and the chance to see others, and yourself, in a vulnerable way. On the 4th, the Jupiter/Pluto conjunction helps you overcome any fears of being in the spotlight and sharing your truth. If you're aiming to expand your social media presence, this aspect is super supportive in doing just that. On the 7th, the Full Moon helps you break free from a karmic cycle in your relationships. It's time for you to receive as much as you give to others. Mercury moves into Aries on the 11th getting you motivated and in the gym just in time to get that summer body together! You'll be feeling a little aggressive during this transit so be mindful of your interactions with your co-workers. It's not what you say, boo. It's how you say it.
On the 19th, the Sun enters Taurus coupled by a New Moon on the 22nd inviting you to take a relationship to the next level. An engagement could be in the midst for some of you while others of you are making an important business connection that has the potential to take you places professionally. Once Mercury joins these two luminaries on the 27th, you'll be ready to sign your name on the dotted line. The month winds down with the planet of transformation starting its six-month retrograde, making this an opportune time to assess the way you communicate with yourself and others. Our words are powerful spells that can create our personal Heaven or Hell on Earth. Use your magic wisely.
Sagittarius
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You enter into the month with Venus moving into your opposite sign on the 3rd. If you're single and ready to mingle, it's time to hit up your local brunch spot. For the coupled Saggies, this transit can bring some fresh, exciting energy back into the mix. On the 4th, the Jupiter/Pluto conjunction supports you with a lucky breakthrough financially but it may require you to step outside of your comfort zone to receive it. Believe in your gifts, babe. You wouldn't be offered the opportunity if you weren't capable of exceeding in the role. The Full Moon on the 7th is a great time to gather with new and old friends alike to celebrate your wins—regardless of how big or small they seem.
Watch out for that feisty temper of yours when Mercury moves into Aries on the 11th. We know you love to debate like you're a candidate for the next presidential election but bae may not be in the mood to spar with you so bring it down just a bit. On the 19th, the Sun enters Taurus shortly followed by a New Moon on the 22nd. A focus on improving your health and well-being is your top priority. It's time to commit to those new habits that will result in a more balanced lifestyle. On the 25th, Pluto goes retrograde, helping you blast through those subconscious money blocks so you can get on a smoother road to your prosperity.
Capricorn
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The month kicks off with the goddess of love reminding you that "health is wealth". Sign up for that spin class or learn about some detox plans to get your summer bod going in full effect. On 4/4, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction helps you get clear on what really matters and where your energy is best directed. The Full Moon on the 7th illuminates how you can take a more balanced approach to achieving your career goals. This is also a good time to renegotiate existing contracts or to ask your boss for a raise. On the 11th, Mercury moves into Aries, bringing your focus to family and home. Being nice may not be your thing but try to have a little tact when letting your roommate know that you're tired of cleaning up after their lazy ass.
The Sun enters Taurus on the 19th inviting you to nurture your inner child. This is a great time to pick up that old hobby, take a weekend getaway, or indulge in some romance. On the 22nd, the New Moon supports you in planting the seed for new creative projects. With Mercury moving into this part of your chart, you're reminded to believe in the value of your self-expression. The month ends on a more introspective note with Pluto going retrograde, initiating you into some deep, inner work that will uncover hidden aspects of your relationship with power and how you utilize it in the world.
Aquarius
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Romance, adventure, and creative inspo overflow when Venus moves into flirtatious Gemini on the 3rd. On the 4th, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction invites you to explore your hidden desires as well as any judgements you have about actually having your desires fulfilled. The Full Moon on the 7th has your 3rd eye wide open and ready to receive the next set of instructions on your journey. Teaching, writing, and traveling opportunities are likely on the agenda. On the 11th, Mercury moves into Aries instilling you with the conviction you need to speak your truth. Choose your battles wisely though. Every fight isn't worth your energy.
On the 19th, the Sun moves into Taurus, bringing your focus to family. The New Moon on the 22nd has you planning some home renovations or a relocation. Once Mercury comes buzzing along (and your tax refund is deposited) you'll be hitting up your local HomeGoods to beautify your space for any home entertaining you'll be doing this spring. April winds down with Pluto going retrograde on the 25th inviting you to integrate hidden aspects of yourself that are necessary for you to actualize more personal power.
Pisces
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The month begins with Venus bringing the good vibes, and the tea, straight to your living room. This is the perfect time to bring the party, or a small get-together, to your home. On 4/4, the Jupiter-Pluto conjunction encroaches you to embrace your desire for connection and a purpose-driven approach to life. Your big heart is capable of changing the world around you. The Full Moon on the 7th marks the end of a tough cycle. You either allow the pain to make you or break you and you've chosen to allow yours to be the catalyst for your glow up.
On the 11th, Mercury moves into Aries, giving the courage to stand up for your worth. Prices are going up, baby! The Sun moves into Taurus on the 19th followed by a mellow New Moon on the 22nd, making this an opportune time to work on practical ways of expanding your social media platform, website, or YouTube channel. Your influence has the potential to get you in a sweeter spot financially. On the 25th, Pluto goes retrograde for six months, encouraging you to "be the change that you want to see in the world".
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Images by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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