If you're reading this article, it is likely that you are planning on traveling to Paris one day. And if you are looking for the ultimate guide, then you are at the right place! Paris is also known as The City of Lights and/or The City of Love, thanks to its iconic landmark, the Eiffel Tower, and its people, who are known for exuding romance.
The French capital has been depicted in many movies (and recently in the very popular TV show Emily in Paris) as a place ruled by love and high fashion. While I can’t promise you a TV romance with a local Parisian man, you can count on this guide to help you see the most fashionable places and eat some incredibly delicious foods.
Here is an invitation to see my Paris. Check out my guide below.
The Dior Gallery
Courtesy of Thia M.
Back in March 2022, Dior opened a new space in the very chic eighth arrondissement of Paris, right in the corner of its historical boutique of the 30 Avenue Montaigne. If you follow fashion and lifestyle influencers, then you may have seen the famous "Diorama." According to its website, the Diorama is an installation of pieces that highlight the “importance of accessories in a silhouette.” After seeing it multiple times on my social media feed, I finally had the opportunity to see this exhibit up close and in person.
Once you get into the Dior gallery, the Diorama is the first thing that you will see on display. And it will also be the last. The exhibition has been conceived so that the famous installation acts as a thread that will follow you throughout the gallery. There are a total of 14 spaces, and each will take you through Dior's fashion history. Each room has been thought with a special scenography. The ones that struck me the most were the ones where the decoration reminded me of an enchanted forest and the space dedicated to the celebration of the relationship between fashion and gold.
Courtesy of Thia M.
Courtesy of Thia M.
My personal favorite things to see were the amazing Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on the cover of a magazine wearing the Dior t-shirt "We Should All Be Feminists," inspired by her eponymous essay.
My last stop was at the Dior café. I went for a hot chocolate and a piece of flan. It was expensive (of course), but I figured that while I was in luxury, I might as well enjoy the experience to the fullest. And the kindness of the waitress made my experience at the Dior Gallery even better!
To access the gallery without waiting, buy your tickets online. You should know that if you want to get a ticket to visit the Dior gallery on a weekend, it is recommended to start looking for tickets two weeks before the due date.
Snails for Lunch at L'escargot Montorgueil
Courtesy of Thia M.
Montorgueil Street is located in the first and the second arrondissement of Paris. It is a lively area (i.e. crowded) where you can see a lot of people enjoying themselves over a glass of wine in one of those cute little terraces (the streets are filled with it). If you suddenly feel the irresistible urge to buy some fruits, you will find some greengrocers. If you feel the need to try a lot of varieties of cheese, don't hesitate to make a stop in one of those "fromageries."
It is a great place to get a sense of that Parisian folklore. Hear me out: this street has a great deal of restaurants, bars, and a few fashion boutiques. And with Paris being this multicultural city, the popular street has a variety of restaurants from Italian to Asian, and you even get to see how French people interpret American street food.
But the reason why I am mentioning this street, in particular, is that it is where you can find a restaurant that is a real Parisian institution. It is called L'escargot Montorgueil.Yes, l'escargot... as in snails! It's this restaurant's specialty! It is located on the 38th of Montorgueil Street. The popular restaurant is almost two centuries old, and they have specialized in serving snails since 1832.
French people are globally known for eating frogs and snails. Some people seem to be disgusted by it, while others are ready to try this experience! I personally tried some frogs' thighs when I was a teenager. At that time, my father tried it in a restaurant and then decided to let us taste it. And if you want my honest opinion, it is not the best French dish. Regarding snails, I only tried them once I became an adult. It was precisely two summers ago. After studying abroad for a semester, I've been confronted with the idea that foreigners had about France.
Most of the students from other countries that I talked to were thinking that France was a place where people were on strike 24/7, ate snails and frogs at each meal, and lived very romantic lives. I'm being a bit caricatural, but in a way, this experience got me thinking about how I've missed certain typical French things. One year later, when the occasion presented itself, I decided to try the infamous French dish. I didn't think that it would be something that I would like to eat, but it turned out that I did. The snails were baked with a sauce made out of parsley. And it was delicious.
I was ready to go for snails for a second time. But this time, I didn't choose to have some in any random place, I went to L'escargot Montorgueil. On the menu, you have the choice between big or small snails, which can be cooked with foie gras, truffle, or even pepper. They also serve classic French dishes like duck, beef, pork, lamb, and salmon, and they, of course, serve frogs.
During this lunch, I chose to eat lightly, and I had six foie gras snails followed by a French toast-style brioche. The snails came with bread sticks and bread along with a special clamp and a kind of fork with two prongs, which are there to help you eat your snails.
I think that L'escargot Montorgueil is a must-try when you travel to Paris. It gives you the occasion to try traditional French cuisine while enjoying spending time in an amazing atmosphere. The design of the restaurant, which is Second Empire style, gives this restaurant this kind of very Parisian chic setup.
If you hesitate to eat in a place this fancy because you think that there is a certain etiquette to respect that you might not know about, don't! It is a place where a lot of tourists come to eat, so servers are familiar with people coming there to try snails for the first time. If you ask them, they will go through the menu with you, and they will explain to you the different meals. But just so you know, it is highly possible that they struggle to communicate in English with you. Despite what they show on Emily in Paris, French people tend to speak English very poorly.
Not far from this restaurant, there is a very famous bakery called Stohrer. Just like L'escargot Montorgueil, it is a century-old place. Stohrer was founded by Nicolas Stohrer, who was a royal baker around the time when King Louis XV ruled France. This renowned baker invented the popular French pastry called le baba au rhum.
A Visit to the Yves Saint Laurent Museum
Yves Saint Laurent Museum in 2018
Luc Castel/Getty Images
The Yves Saint Laurent Museum opened back in 2017. Since then, every year, fashion lovers are invited to go to the 5th of the Avenue Marceau in the 16th arrondissement of Paris to discover or rediscover the impact that Yves Saint Laurent has had on fashion.
The choice of the location of the museum is deeply rooted in the brand’s history. For several decades, this particular hotel of the sixteenth arrondissement of Paris was the place where Yves Saint Laurent's team was conceiving the pieces of his collection. And it was also there that the high-profile clientele could try on the pieces that they fancied in the dedicated salons.
When I visited this museum, an exhibition called Gold by Saint Laurent was on display. I love how it takes us through the fashion journey of Saint Laurent, explaining what drove him to be into fashion. Then showing us his world, we get to see some of the celebrities he worked with and hung around with. This exhibition might be the only place where you can see big French icons such as rockstar Johnny Haliday and actor Catherine Deneuve in a photo with Saint Laurent in one room. And then, in another room, you can see pictures of Black fashion icons such as Grace Jones or André Leon Talley attending one of Yves Saint Laurent's events. I was amazed by how eclectic Yves Saint Laurent's social world seemed to be.
The other thing that really amazed me was the beauty of the collection of dresses. There were not any pieces shown that didn't scream elegance, class, great taste, couture, and luxury.
If you are interested in visiting the Yves Saint Laurent Museum, buy your ticket in advance on the museum website. Unlike the Dior gallery, you don't have to get your tickets two weeks ahead of your visit. You can get one for the same day if you go to the website early in the morning.
An Afternoon at the Palace of Versailles
Courtesy of Thia M.
The mythical castle constructed at the demand of Louis XIV isn't far away from Paris. Depending on where you are in the city, you can get there in half an hour or in one hour. When you get off at the station Versailles Rive Gauche, you only have a few minutes to walk before arriving in front of the beautiful and majestic portal of Versailles Castle. Even before entering the castle, you will feel the spirit of wealth and greatness that this place conveys. If you take a closer look at the portal, you'll notice that it is made out of gold and that it has details on it, such as a sun which is Louis XIV's emblem. The same symbol is reproduced on several doors and moldings inside the palace.
Once you pass the gates and the security check, you will find yourself in a courtyard facing the castle. Once again, the immensity of the palace standing in front of you and the beauty of the golden details that decorate the front can leave you in awe. The rooms I enjoyed the most were the Queen's bedroom, in which you can feel that each and every detail was chosen to reflect the refinement of her majesty. I also liked how the King's room resembled strength and power. The other room that I was really eager to discover was the Hall of Mirrors.
Courtesy of Thia M.
I've seen many pictures of this famous section of the palace, and I couldn't wait to see for myself how it was to walk in this large gallery full of mirrors. When I walked into the room, I was surprised by its dimension (it's a very long hallway) and the number of chandeliers that have been installed all along the gallery. If you are lucky, you may be able to have your picture taken without having too many people in the background. But with this particular room of the palace often being crowded, the best solution might be to take your picture anyway and to edit the people from the picture when editing it.
Once we finished visiting the castle, it was time for a sugar break. So, we went to the popular tearoom Angelina for hot chocolate. It is one of Paris's institutions in terms of tearooms. The first boutique of this franchise opened 120 years ago and quickly became a hot spot that appealed to the Parisian aristocracy. What differentiates Angelina from other pastry shops is their unique way of making hot chocolate.
After spending almost two hours in the castle and taking the time to enjoy a hot chocolate at Angelina, we did a quick tour of the palace’s gardens. If you want to visit the Palace of Versailles without being in a rush, you should take between two to four hours of your time to do it so that you fully appreciate your experience once you get there. The palace closes its doors at 5:30 p.m. So I recommend you to go there at 2 p.m. at the latest. Tickets for visiting the palace and the gardens cost €19.50, which is $20.50 USD.
Dinner at La Villa Massaï
Courtesy of Thia M.
For a friend's birthday, I recently had the occasion to have dinner at La Villa Massaï. It is one of the hottest African restaurants that Paris has to offer. With its remarkable decoration inspired by Maasai culture, this restaurant is giving you a unique experience as soon as you enter and go through the stairs that face the entry. I love the fact that we were greeted by the staff when we first walked in, and then they guided us toward our table. While the DJ was playing Afrobeats music (French singers with African roots, such as Maître Gims or Dadju were definitely on his playlists, as well as a lot of great Nigerian artists), we took the time to settle, and then a server gave us the menu.
I went for lamb cooked in the dibi way, which is a West African specialty. Some of my friends ordered maafe (another typical West African dish), and one went for a poulet DG(it's more of a Central African specialty). One thing is for sure we all were very pleased with our meals. The food was so tasty that I didn't leave anything on my plate. And to further the experience of tasting African flavors, I choose to drink a mojito bissap. When I go out for drinks, my cocktail of choice is the mojito. And whenever I go to some African events, I'm always happy to have one or two glasses of bissap. So when the server told me about the mojito bissap, it really triggered my curiosity, and I just had to try it. It only took me a few sips to decide that a mojito bissap is better than an actual mojito. I love how the drink, made with hibiscus flower and rum, has a more sugary taste than the classical mojito.
A Stroll from the Champs Elysées to the Eiffel Tower
Courtesy of Thia M.
I recently had a conversation with some American tourists, and they told me that one of the things they appreciate the most in Paris and that they found very different from the U.S. is the fact that they felt like Paris was a pedestrian-friendly city. For them, circulating in the city was totally doable on foot, which is true. But we tend to rely too much on the metro, when walking can enable us to see and feel the Parisian ambiance, see what Parisian people are actually wearing, find some little shops that you wouldn't have heard about otherwise, or why not do some window shopping.
Speaking of window shopping, or actual shopping, I feel like one of the best ways to combine walking while treating yourself is to take a walk from the subway station, George V, all the way to the Eiffel Tower. It's an itinerary that is only about half an hour long that gives you the occasion to wander on the Champs Elysée, which French people like to call the most beautiful avenue in the world. This big commercial area has your needs covered. If you are looking for macaroons, just go to Ladurée or Pierre Hermé, if you are more interested in luxury, you'll find what you need at Louis Vuitton, Dior, or Bulgari. If you are more into beauty, there is a Sephora nearby where you can go shopping. And if you plan on having lunch or dinner here, just know that there are a lot of restaurants in this area too.
I mentioned window shopping earlier because it is my favorite thing to do when I'm walking on Avenue Montaigne. This street, specially designed to link the Champs Elysée to the Alma Bridge, is where you can find the highest concentration of luxury brands. Chanel, Prada, and Gucci, to name a few, have stores there. What is particularly pleasing to me is to see what scenography, what products, and what colors are in season by peeking inside the high-end stores. I also like walking by those 4- or 5-star hotels, dreaming that one day I'll experience a stay in one of those places.
Courtesy of Thia M.
Within minutes, you'll arrive at the Alma Bridge. Facing the bridge, you will see the Flame of Liberty, a statue gifted from the U.S. to France during the '80s. You can see in its design that it is made to emulate the flame of the Statue of Liberty as a symbol of the great relationship between the two countries. However, many Parisians think of this installation as a gesture from the Americans to France. Rather, they see this statue as a monument built to honor the late Princess Diana, who passed away in a tragic accident that happened nearby. People often leave a flower at the feet of this Flame to commemorate the Princess of Hearts.
Once you have crossed the bridge and taken many pictures of La Seine, you only have to walk down the Quai Jacques Chirac (yes, it has been named after this famous former French president), and in more or less fifteen minutes, you will find yourself in the Eiffel Tower Garden. If you decide to climb the tower without having bought your ticket online, you will wait several hours before accessing the monument. To get tickets online for the Eiffel Tower, you have to book your reservation one to two months ahead. You should know that even with an e-reservation, it is less likely that you can access the tower right away.
One weird fact about Parisians is that if you mention to them that you're going to go inside the Eiffel Tower, you will notice that a lot of them have been living here for several years but have never done it. I personally think that it can be explained by the fact that many people that you encounter in Paris have moved here for their studies, or in order to get a job. And most of them have developed a certain lifestyle that evolves around certain hobbies, passions, or activities that they have, forgetting about the wealth of Parisian patrimony and not taking the time to enjoy visiting Paris landmarks.
I hope that you appreciate my guide as much as I loved wandering in Paris, thinking of what I will recommend you to do during your stay here.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Charday Penn/Getty Images
RELATED
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
____
No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image Pheelings Media/Getty Images