A Conversation With Gabrielle Union On Black Sexuality, Marriage And 'The Birth Of A Nation'
The Birth of a Nation - starring Nate Parker and co-starring actors Armie Hammer, Jackie Earle Haley, Aja Naomi King, and of course, Gabrielle Union - premieres as a film entry in the 2016 Sundance Film Festival. It is met with a standing ovation and walked away from the competition with the highest distribution deal in Sundance history. Fast forward several months later to August, another kind of controversy saw the light of day as media attention surrounding the film grew in ferocity. The scrutiny widened to reflect onto Parker's 1999 rape case where he had been accused of raping a woman.
As a star of the film, actress Gabrielle Union took the allegations especially personal, having been a survivor of rape herself. Union did what she did best, and sought to use her platform as a means to continue the conversation of sexual violence and the importance of teaching our youth the definition of consent in a finely crafted op-ed for The Los Angeles Timeswhere she shared her thoughts on the ordeal:
"As important and ground-breaking as this film is, I cannot take these allegations lightly. On that night, 17-odd years ago, did Nate have his date's consent? It's very possible he thought he did. Yet by his own admission he did not have verbal affirmation; and even if she never said 'no,' silence certainly does not equal 'yes.' Although it's often difficult to read and understand body language, the fact that some individuals interpret the absence of a 'no' as a 'yes' is problematic at least, criminal at worst."
It wasn't surprising to me that Union took such a bold approach in giving her stance on the matter. I have known she was a rape survivor for almost as long as I've known her work, admittedly since she was that too-cool-for-school, almond-eyed, cocoa butter-skinned beauty reppin' for the Clovers in the film that rocketed her into mainstream success, Bring It On. The roles seemed to keep coming after that and I watched her proudly as she seemed to carve her own lane in the devil that can sometimes be Hollywood, all while being true to herself.
Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Michael Kors
Being raped never defined her, killed her spirit, or held her caged as a victim, but it is something that did happen to her 24 years ago, the effect of which can still be felt to this day. She proudly advocates for the survivor and despite the art she believes in and the art she is a part of (The Birth of a Nation), Union can only be her truth.
In the midst of the controversy circling The Birth of a Nation and its upcoming nationwide release (in theaters October 7), the 43-year-old actress took the time to sit with us to tell us how she really feels about social injustices, sexual consent and what led to her feeling like her op-ed was something that needed to be heard.
xoNecole: When you published your op-ed addressing Nate Parker's personal controversy, Colin Kaepernick and several other athletes were being criticized in the media and lost endorsements for speaking out against social injustices. Was there any worry that if your op-ed came across as in defense of Nate Parker that it would hurt your brand?
Gabrielle Union:Everyone on my team was in sync about me doing an op-ed, in fact, they wished it had come out sooner. It took me a long time to craft what I wanted to say and it still be helpful. My first few drafts were not as educational, so I consulted a group of my close friends who are active feminists. I also spoke with several male friends, as well as my husband, and everyone had very different opinions. In talking to numerous people, most of whom are parents, I realized everyone had a different idea about what consent was. So if, as educated adults, we differ on what consent is, imagine what our young people are faced with. Through the op-ed, I wanted to make sure I was very clear that no matter where you stand on the issue of Nate Parker, moving forward, let us all come together and be affirmative what verbal consent truly means. I thought framing the piece like that was more helpful and more constructive.
In terms of going to the Toronto Film Festival and facing the press, there was concern about my brand and the other projects I have coming up. Being Mary Jane is written by a black woman, for black women, and women in general relate to the character so you don't want to alienate anyone. Some people have said, "If you're a feminist, you should boycott the film." And I was like, "But wait, my role in the film and the reason I signed on was to talk about sexual violence." So it feels ass backwards to shirk that responsibility when the controversy swirling around our film is around sexual violence so who better to speak on it than me? And if I take myself out of the conversation because it's uncomfortable and because I'm worried about my brand, then my brand ain't shit if I don't stand up for what I've always stood up for since I became a rape survivor.
While you've been very vocal about your experience with sexual violence, many survivors aren't comfortable disclosing that they've been hurt, especially if they know their attacker. What are some initial steps you'd recommend for victims to acknowledge the situation and begin the healing process?
After I was raped, the police came and they immediately took me to the hospital where I got a rape kit and went to the rape crisis center. The situation happened in an affluent community with an underworked police department and an overstaffed rape crisis center, so I had the most ideal recovery scenario situation possible. I had incredible support, which so many of us don't have. Both of my parents and my sisters were there, my boyfriend and his parents were there. Since I was assaulted at work, I had my hand held through the process of having workman's comp pay for my therapy. When I got to UCLA, their mental health services kicked in. I was never without a safety net. My journey is very rare so if another man or woman's experience doesn't match mine, that's okay.
Everyone's path to healing is different. If the path that I took doesn't feel comfortable for you, that's okay, it just means we need to find another route where you can feel safe and protected. As survivors, we compare our journeys and feel like, if I'm not on Oprah talking about my trauma or volunteering at a rape crisis center, then I'm doing it wrong. Or if I haven't gone to the police, then maybe my story isn't real or valid. Going through the criminal justice system is challenging physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. That's the path I took but I can't say it was a conscious choice because it happened so fast.
What is your advice to young women who are attempting to repair their self-worth and self-esteem after going through a traumatic experience like rape or sexual assault?
Firstly, you have to forgive yourself for doubting yourself and doubting your memory because so much of it is internalizing it all and feeling guilt and shame for something we have zero control over. Many of the people closest to us will say, "That's what you get for being fast,' or 'What did you do? What were you wearing? What did you say?" Because in a lot of our families, identifying evil that looks like us, that we've invited into our homes, is incredibly difficult, painful and can leave you feeling very powerless. It can be difficult to acknowledge that it happened which can lead to repressed memories which makes the path to recovery so much more difficult.
Forgive yourself for acting like a human and having to experience that excruciating pain. Forgive yourself if your family support isn't the same as someone else's.
I strongly encourage therapy. I've heard from many people, "I can't afford a therapist." There's free group therapy and other free and low-cost options available through your local rape crisis center as well as through hospitals. Money or a lack of resources should not be a hurdle to your healing. Regardless of your race, religion, gender, the help you need to move forward exists.
You have to become your own best advocate to overcome the hurdles that might be in your path. Sometimes the people that are holding us back are the people closest to us. Sometimes your mom, dad, best friend or boyfriend isn't supportive. Maybe they're blaming you or questioning your truth and sometimes the only way to get around that is to distance yourself emotionally because a lot of us may not have the luxury of putting a physical distance between the people that doubt you, but you can develop the skills that allow you to have emotional distance when you can't have physical distance.
After being a part of such a powerful film, do you think your The Birth of a Nation co-stars are more cognizant of white privilege? What types of conversations are you having with your colleagues about using this film to really incite change?
In terms of our cast specifically, the way my scenes were shot I didn't have the same downtime in between filming to have those conversations with my co-stars. I didn't get to really know them while we were shooting but from what I gathered they [Armie Hammer, Penelope Ann Miller, Jackie Earle Haley] are definitely aware of what white privilege is. Now how aware they are of their own privilege, I don't know because that comes with consistent behavior modification. We will see on their next film if they're still talking about the necessity of addressing oppression and racial inequality.
I have, however, had conversations with people that are on my team, the cast and crew that I work with, friends from high school, etc., and it's been very fascinating to see that so many people are so resistant to the idea of oppression in America. They think you can just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and work hard enough to achieve the American Dream. People will say, "My parents came from another country and didn't speak English," but even so you still get the privilege of whiteness. Most of the people that I know have never truly had to function on a level playing field. They'll say, "We all went to school together and worked our ass off to find jobs," and it's like no, you come from a family that went to the same Ivy League college for generations so you didn't have to have the same grades as a person of color to get in; you were accepted into this university based on being a legacy but no one ever looked at it as a leg up or affirmative action. Then after graduation, you got to work for your father's firm where everyone looks like you.
[During The Birth of a Nation press conference] I was challenging the journalists in the room to evaluate their social circles. What day-to-day work are you doing to recognize your privilege then actively dismantle it? The next step is figuring out what you're willing to do that may not benefit you but will benefit mankind. Most people are savvy enough to say the right things but when it comes to hiring someone that looks like them because it makes them feel more comfortable, that's an example of the big and the little things that go into dismantling the system of oppression that people who benefit from it aren't interested in tearing down. The reason why most people aren't willing to go the extra mile to really have equality is because it won't benefit them. Most people are self-serving, which is human nature so you have to fight back against that.
In order to begin to see change start to occur, we have to be willing to have conversations with people who have different opinions than us. I've already talked to Lena Dunham; I would love to talk to Kate Upton and Amy Schumer. Maybe I can help to explain the oppressive systems that have benefited and allowed them to say these careless, insensitive and offensive things. Those conversations are awkward as fuck and they get heated. Similar to watching people have conversations about consent.
People love living vicariously through the characters on Sex and the City or Girls, however, when women of color are sexually liberated i.e. Being Mary Jane, Scandal or How To Get Away With Murder, these fictitious women are labeled "hoes." What are your thoughts on the double standards of how sexuality is portrayed on TV? And as a dark-skinned woman, are you cognizant that you're helping to redefine the standards of beauty and sexuality in Hollywood?
As a brown skin woman, within my own community, I was never seen as a sex object; I was always the funny friend. If I was in a crowded room with a bunch of women, I was definitely not anyone that anyone else would have described as “sexy." Instead, people would compliment me on my great personality. For about the first 15 years of my career, I wasn't called upon for those types of roles. So I could give you a righteous answer about what I would and wouldn't do but no one ever asked me to be naked or overtly sexual. As I moved out of those teen roles into more mature roles like Bad Boys, I was in a bikini. And in Cradle 2 the Grave, I had a lap dance scene and I was terrified.
When I first read the script, there was no lap dance scene. When I got to work one day my character had evolved into a bank-robbing jewel thief lap dancer. It was the first time in my career where I was cognizant of the fact that there was this assumption that as a 'black woman,' I knew how to dance like a stripper, make my ass clap, and back it up into a camera while understanding my angles. Fatima Robinson had to be hired to choreograph the lap dance.
I was so scared that Halle Berry sent me a note through our mutual friend that basically said, "Nothing is worth your peace of mind and if you're that uncomfortable with the scene, don't do it and don't believe anyone that says your career will be over if you choose not to do it." In my mind I was like, "Of course she can say that. She's Halle Berry."
Eventually, I did the scene and afterwards, it changed how I was received in Hollywood. After I was in Bring It On, there was a certain level of respect people had for me. It was like, 'Yes! You fought against cultural appropriation, you held people responsible and were a leader!' Then after Cradle 2 the Grave, people were pausing the lap dance scene to take screenshots of my body, and as a sexual assault survivor, it was mortifying. I felt so naked, vulnerable and like a target. Strangely enough, after my first divorce, feeling like I failed publicly, no one is ever going to love me and I'm never going to be seen as desirable again, I get Being Mary Jane and she's this very sexually free woman at that time in my life, being 40, it felt very free to feel wanted even if it was for pretend. To play a character that was so desirable, confident and in control of her sexuality and sexual experience was amazing.
Then, you start to see the comments of people calling Mary Jane a “hoe" and a “home-wrecker," Olivia Pope [Kerry Washington] and Annalise Keating [Viola Davis] are hoes because on our television shows we're in control of our own sexual narrative? Damn, if that's the parameters then there are a lot of men and women that are hoes.
I choose to define sexuality differently and you have to figure out what you're comfortable with. Not everyone is comfortable with multiple partners or casual sex and that's okay; it doesn't make you a saint or me a sinner. If other people try to tell you what's acceptable when its comes to your sexuality, you have to call bullshit; last I checked, the only person my vagina was attached to was me, so anyone else's opinions about that are unnecessary, uninvited and unwarranted. For most of us, that's hard. I'm not Mary Jane but when I see the horrible things people say about the character, I feel crucified. In terms of sexuality in Hollywood, you have to do what you're comfortable with.
Your confidence and self-assuredness at 43 is admirable. How has your opinion of yourself evolved from when you were in your 20s? Did you have to work on finding yourself or did you always have a pretty good idea of who you were?
When I was a senior at UCLA, I had just started modeling but no one was checking for me when it came to my body or my face. I have great parents, I have a great support system, I had a job, I'm educated but, at that time, I wanted nothing more than to be cast in the 2Pac “California Love" music video. I stood in line with girls I knew from USC, UCLA, Long Beach State--educated, Christian girls, we all waited in line, for our chance to dance in front of 2Pac and 25 of his closest friends because there was something about being chosen that was so intoxicating that we objectified ourselves and we were okay with it.
I always come back to that experience because my self-esteem was so low that all I wanted was to be chosen. [The thought was] if that person chooses me then I must be worthwhile.
For so many of us, we chase that and it isn't necessarily just girls that weren't raised with a father--my dad was there every day. Woke up, he was there, went to sleep, he was there. He told me positive affirmations but my dad never said I was pretty. 'That's a great crossover', 'Nice jump shot', 'You're so smart,' but I was never validated for my looks. My parents thought that was the best route because you don't validate young black girls for their looks; you validate them for their achievements. Cut to me standing in a three-hour line waiting for my chance to objectify myself hoping to be chosen by 2Pac. And I see that played out every day. That longing for someone to validate you is exemplified all the time in reality TV, through social media, in schools and even in corporate America.
What advice would you share with young women in their 20s, especially those aspiring actresses and artists who are trying to find themselves while trying to make it in the entertainment industry?
I would tell my 20-year-old self, "You were fly, dope and amazing from birth. From the second you took your first breath you were worthwhile and valid and you have to find other ways to feel good about yourself that have nothing to do with being chosen by a man."
When people say, 'You're so lucky Dwyane Wade chose you,' I'm like, 'No, I chose myself.' Once I chose myself and realized I was my best asset, not who chooses me, that freed me up to love myself in a way that allowed me to love other people better, which allowed our love to finally come in after years of back and forth and mental chess matches.
There are people that have asked and assume that my greatest accomplishment is getting married and I'm like, "No, my wedding is not an accomplishment. The fact that I made it down the aisle with Dwyane Wade isn't an accomplishment. Graduating from UCLA is an accomplishment, being a sexual assault survivor is an accomplishment, being a part of The National Advisory Committee on Violence Against Women (NAC) appointed by President Obama-- that's an accomplishment" Getting this man down the aisle isn't an accomplishment. Just being chosen isn't an accomplishment.
For those people who don't want to support Nate Parker, who don't want to see “another slave movie" or for other races that think this is just a “black film," why are you so passionate about people seeing The Birth of a Nation? What's so important about the film that people have to see it?
My mother took me aside in high school to teach me the story of Nat Turner because she saw that I had completely assimilated into white culture. When she was around, she would hear adversity come up and she saw that I would never speak up, I was always the one that didn't want to draw too much attention to myself, I just wanted to fit in. So when I was 14, she took me to the library so I could research Nat Turner and I learned that what he did was a different type of resistance than Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King, Jr.
My mom saw that I wasn't being a leader; I was being complacent so understanding black liberation and black resistance in the face of adversity and the face of oppression was so desperately needed at that time in my life. To stand up and lead, makes you a target and I thought that being black was big enough target so I didn't want anyone to notice me but my mother said, "That's not the woman I'm raising. I didn't raise you to be silent."
Nat Turner was a tangible American hero that I could look up to that dared to fight back and push back. There are a lot of us that need to see it's okay to stand up and do what's right no matter the cost. Our country is built on resistance but we can't just acknowledge the resistance from British rule; we have to also acknowledge the slaves' resistance of oppression.
If you've ever been a position where you didn't feel strong enough to fight back and do the right thing, this film is for you. If you have an issue that you stand behind that you feel like doesn't get enough coverage or resources and you want to stand up and feel inspired to fight for whatever cause you believe in, this film is for you. And if you feel like there have been too many slavery movies…there have been too many slavery movies where we're not our own saviors. Instead, we're waiting for the same white people who oppressed us to save us.
This is not 'another slave movie.' This film is about black liberation, our humanity, our hope and our love and I haven't seen these topics portrayed in a film to this degree. There's never been a film like The Birth of a Nation.
But I understand those who may have an issue with Nate's past and if you don't like the way Nate is handling the present, I absolutely understand if you chose to sit the film out. I respect it because I would be a hypocrite if I said I hadn't chosen not to see films that made me uncomfortable for one reason or another, but my hope for those that choose not to see the film is that you're leading the movement from another direction and the conversation doesn't die because you decide to sit the film out.
I hope that if you choose not to see the film, you're still having conversations about black liberation, black resistance, racial inequality. This is still a part of our reality and we need to be a part of the solution and the healing so we stop hearing, "That happened to me too"' I just don't want anyone else to tell me, "Me too." I'm going to continue to live at that intersection because my womanness and my blackness are intrinsically linked. I hope that the film will inspire you to take the spirit of action, resistance and personal liberation and apply it to your own lives.
Originally published January 2016.
Featured image by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Michael Kors
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
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This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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