Why Do Men Cheat? 7 Underestimated Reasons Married Men Have Affairs

Social Media

Remember how I said that a lot of men find someone to cheat with online? Sure, there are dating apps that give us more access to people than ever, but what I've noticed is a lot of folks aren't cheating due to the new individuals they meet on Tinder. Frankly, more of them are cheating with exes who DM them on Instagram.

Although there are dozens of good things that come from social media, a downside is it gives virtually any and everyone access to you. Back in our parents' day, if they broke up with someone and changed their number, they had to randomly run into the person at the mall in order to be tempted. These days, all you have to do is type a name of a former flame in a search engine and—BOOM!

In counseling sessions, I personally have to debate leaving the past in the past with wives more than husbands, so I'll just say this—Eve had to hang around the tree and talk to the serpent before getting around to eat the fruit. I'll just leave that right there.

Toxic Friends

I know that a lot of people select members of their wedding party based on how long they've known someone or how much fun they have with an individual but if you're engaged and reading this, please go with folks who are going to support your union. They like your soon-to-be spouse, they respect your relationship, and they are going to provide all of the encouragement they can, to both of you, so that you can remain together until death parts you.

If you opt for individuals who are on the "I'm doing this because I love you not because I like him" tip, well, you'll be amazed the kind of unwise counsel they'll provide during the tough times. The moment you and yours go through a valley, they are oftentimes the ones who are giving you 20 reasons to bounce and/or five justifications to cheat.

Healthy friends have you and your beloved's back. Toxic friends…don't.

Being Flippant with Your Marriage Titles

There's a wife I know who used to be super offended whenever I would refer to any of my boyfriends as "my husband." Back when I was more immature, I used to be like "Girl, bye" but now I get where she is coming from because she used to say, "Shellie, marriage is work and I earned the right to call my man that." Agreed.

I don't think it's cute (or wise) to call anyone who isn't your spouse your spouse, even if it's in jest. Not only does it kind of water down the sacredness of the word, but since most affairs at least start off as being emotional ones, it can cause you to subconsciously let co-workers, friends, or anyone else get closer to you than they actually should.

Boredom

It might seem lame but when's the last time you were bored? What kind of things did you consider doing in order to get un-bored? Now does this reason seem crazy?

Something that I find to be interesting is if you Google reasons why couples get divorced, you'll see boredom come up more and more. It could be connected to a lack of communication, there being very little spontaneity, having unrealistic expectations, no longer dating one another, or not being proactive about your partner's needs.

Listen, an affair is selfish, dangerous, and potentially relationally-destructive but one thing it ain't is boring. Just something to think about.

Stress

A few years ago, I worked with a couple that was everything opposite of the more-likely-to-cheat demographic. White. Degreed. Republican. Churchy. Rich too. The husband had a pretty serious porn addiction (yes, many people feel like if you watch porn, that too is cheating) and the wife was fed up.

One of the things that I enjoy about being a marriage life coach is it gives me the opportunity to see BOTH SIDES of an issue. If I only listened to her, I would've thought her husband was a horny jerk who couldn't care less about her.

Boy oh boy. When he shared with me all of the years of constant bossiness, nagging, manipulation, and control (check out "Married to Jezebel: It's All About Control") he'd been through plus her sheer arrogance, let's just say—I won't justify his porn-watching but I certainly understand. This was her third marriage, by the way.

Sex—in any form—reduces the stress hormone cortisol. When someone lives in a high-stress environment, you'd be amazed what they'll do to release it. The couples I know who are happy and healthy have one thing in common—peace in their home environment.

Lack of Appreciation

I'm currently working with a couple where all the husband's been saying, on loop, is "I'm so tired of her taking me for granted." It makes me think of the Christmas viral video that featured a man giving his significant other pieces of paper that were wrapped up like presents. In them, the papers said things like "light bill" and "rent." What he was basically saying is he wanted to feel appreciated for what he provided for his beloved all year long.

I thought it was insane how many people clapped back on the, "She shouldn't have to thank you for what you should be doing in the first place." What? Listen, the friends I'm closest to and the companies I've worked with the longest are the ones who show gratitude for what I bring to the table. Folks who said things like "I see you," "I appreciate you," and "thank you" for doing so-and-so and such-and-such.

A husband once told me, "One of the reasons why a lot of us don't like to come home is because we get told how awesome we are in the world only to walk in the front door and get bitched at the very moment we walk through it."

To that, I'll say, Martin Luther once said, "Let the wife make the husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave." When it comes to taking steps to affair-proof your marriage, these are definitely words to live by.

Fake Orgasms

An ex of mine used to say something that I still find to be HIL-A-RI-OUS: "Faking orgasms is a form of witchcraft." At the very least, it's lying and counterproductive.

According to some random internet research, some of the main reasons why women do it is to hurry up and get sex over with or they've faked it so much, for so long that they don't want to come clean now. Oh, but men do it too (1 in 4, to be exact). One husband told me he did it because his wife kept pressuring him to have a baby before he was ready. Yep, it was basically the equivalent of a man wanting to a conceive a child and his partner being on birth control without his knowledge.

That's why "faking orgasms" is how I choose to round out the list. Yes, if one or both people are sexually dissatisfied in their relationship, that certainly lays the foundation to at least be tempted to cheat. But more than that, faking orgasms has a tinge of deception to it and if you're willing to deceive on one level, you'll be open to do it on other ones—whether you realize it or not.

Bottom line, faithfulness is a beautiful thing. It's also a daily choice.

Choose to be honest. Choose to be loving. Choose to be honorable. Choose to be consistent. Choose to avoid the pitfalls that could possibly make you and yours an infidelity statistic.

And no matter what, it is always a choice!