What Is The Orgasm Gap & How Do We Close It?

Unlearn Shame and Colonial Sex Idealogies

Those who enslaved Blacks were very intentional about the language they used around our sexuality, demonizing us with derogatory language that condoned the sexual mistreatment of Black women and men. They made it appear that because we were "animals" we had an insatiable sex drive that condoned white men raping us and a false narrative that Black men couldn't be trusted to not sexually harm white women. Black women were bred as if they were cows in a barnyard and then once slavery ended, they created the narrative that all we do is lay up and have children. This also brought into play respectability politics in an attempt to move us from this narrative and create more opportunities in a white world for Black people. So now when we show any natural human sexuality, we as Black women are hypersexualized and that breeds internalized hate.

Unlearn all of that because that's the real white shit -- not sucking dick, not anal, not masturbation. To further understand what it is that you're unlearning, research the contradictions and exploitation that colonizers have created around oursexuality while they are out here living their best lives.

Get Familiar with Your Actual Sexuality

Start unpacking after you've done some educating! How do you actually feel about sex as it related to you? Your sexuality. Who do you want to be when it comes to your sexuality...when society isn't dictating? Why do you judge those (especially women) who display their sexuality differently than you? How often have you encountered the reality of the orgasm gap? It might be helpful to journal through this.

Explore Your Body

You cannot help your partner understand what you like if you don't know what you like. Try masturbating manually and with a toy while viewing ethical porn or reading an erotic novel. Touch your breasts, use lubricant, set the mood.

Genuinely have sex with yourself so that you can truly innerstand what gets you to your orgasm.

Are you in the majority where you require a combination of clioral and vaginal stimulation? What trauma do you have around your sexuality, from this lifetime and others, from your personal experiences and from those of your ancestors (our bodies hold that too)?

Educate Yourself

Based on what you found in your research, browse the internet or connect with others in order to figure out ways to bridge the gaps in your pleasure, making for one less statistic of the orgasm gap. Goop has a great resource entitled the "14 Best Books About Sex That are Worth the Read" and is a great place to start.

Communicate and Consent

Be sure to talk to your partners before you all have sex (not necessarily right before) and after. See what's working and what's not. Try to communicate your sexual trauma so that your partner doesn't accidentally trigger you in any way. After all, if you can't even relax during sex, an orgasm becomes that much more difficult to attain. DO NOT be afraid to say what didn't please you.

The ancient African-American proverb "a closed mouth doesn't get fed" will never not be relevant. And also make sure you're open and honest about the kinks that you may need integrated in order to feel sexually fulfilled.

These discussions will make sure you're sexually compatible with your partner and that your partner is willing and ready to do what it takes to ensure you both have a pleasurable experience.

Educate Those in Your Life

From your sexual partners to your children, make sure you're teaching everything from the anatomy and how it works, to the ways in which most porn should not be the pleasure map that is pulled from.

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