Love & Relationships
Since becoming a single girl, Valentine's Day feels weird. The anniversary of an almost 10-year relationship landed on this international day of love and I just recently felt like I was done grieving that part of my life. Now, as a woman without a partner, the 14th of February forces me to choose myself and focus on how amazing I am because I deserve all the love I give to the world.
We had a chance to check in with Christian Life Coach for Single Women, Jay Shantal, about how to show up for yourself in your singledom and she dropped all the gems. More importantly, we love how she empowers single women through truth and beauty. We know Valentine's Day is known to incite a lot of emotions for singles so Jay loves to challenge singles to change their perspective on singleness, even on V-Day.
Here are a few tips she suggests for singles to stay emotionally grounded during V-Day:
- If you feel that getting on social media might cause a bit of anxiety, set healthy boundaries or avoid it altogether. It is OK to guard your heart and protect your mental health.
- Set aside intentional time to be grateful for the love that is in your life currently. Romantic love isn't the only love that can be celebrated on V-Day. Take a moment to show gratitude for all the people in your world that make you feel special and appreciated.
- Despite the pressure you may feel from society, know that you are in the right place. V-Day can cause you to feel like you are detached from the rest of society. In turn, you internalize your singleness making you ask yourself, "Why am I still single?"
Jay says, "Understand that singleness is not an issue that needs to be fixed nor is it a consequence. You are perfectly whole all by yourself. Singleness is the best season in a woman's life. It is such an undervalued blessing. Savor it, sis. Life is full of swift transitions. Next year might look completely different."
This year we wanted to check in with some beautiful single Black women on how they will be celebrating this day of love this year. From virtual speed dating to day trips, these women are proof that Valentine's Day doesn't have to be filled with gloom.
Oyin (@sweetlikeoyin)
Oyin (@sweetlikeoyin)
Location: Austin, TX, but constantly on the go!
Single Since: 2018
Why She Chooses to be Single:
"I heard this once and it stuck with me ever since my last relationship: figure out why you're important and never settle for anyone who doesn't completely agree. I'm incredible alone and I've taken the necessary steps to know and understand my self-worth as a human being.
"The things I tolerated in the past are no longer factors in my life. I feel like being alone has shaped the formation of my self-confidence and now I can experience great love when the time is right."
Her Plans for Valentine's Day:
"As an advocate for Black women in luxury, I plan on taking myself on a solo trip to wherever my heart desires. I'm thinking something warm, fun, and tropical because simply I deserve! There's nothing better than wining and dining yourself and that's on what? PERIOD!"
What Self-Care Looks Like for Her as a Single Black Woman:
"This is a question I love SO much! Self-care looks like showing up for myself as a Black Woman. It's about knowing when to take a break and be mindful and present of your energy and creativity. I'm the queen of checking out when my body tells me to. I haven't always been this way but I'm learning, especially in a pandemic, to put myself first starting now."
Nzinga Imani (@nzingaimani)
Nzinga Imani (@nzingaimani)
Location: Atlanta, GA
Single Since: Newly (end of January)
Why She Chooses to be Single:
"I'm rediscovering myself and spending time to figure out what I want."
Her Plans for Valentine's Day:
"[I'm attending a] Galentine's Day Event where I am surrounding myself with other boss women and focusing on building mutually beneficial relationships while promoting self-care."
What Self-Care Looks Like for Her as a Single Black Woman:
"Taking time to really be alone with my thoughts. Working through my decisions with ME in mind with no need to compromise on what I see for my life. Reading, dancing naked in the living room to my favorite tune, reminding myself that I am a prize."
Shania Banton (@shaniabanton_)
Shania Banton (@shaniabanton_)
Location: Queens, NY
Single Since: June 2020
Why She Chooses to be Single:
"The men I come across are very selfish and never want to prioritize me but want me to prioritize them. I am no one's mother and I am a girl boss, I can't make time if I'm not going to get it back. I refuse."
Her Plans for Valentine's Day:
"My friend and I are planning to go out and have brunch and partake in the 'Galentine's' theme. We are both very single so very excited to lean on my good sis.
What Self-Care Looks Like for Her as a Single Black Woman:
"Self-care starts with getting all aspects of me taken care of from a mani/pedi to lashes to a full body massage followed by freshly washed hair. Then being able to sit with a good book or a good show/movie because that's what brings me joy and then a nap that no one can wake me up from until I'm ready."
Nakia Adamson (@BrownGurlHealing)
Nakia Adamson (@BrownGurlHealing)
Location: Washington, DC
Single Since: May of 2018
Why She Chooses to be Single:
"My last relationship ended because we were speaking different love languages and showing love differently. Communication became a major deficit in our relationship and led to us ultimately calling it quits. I've been attempting to work at this intentional dating thing but haven't been extremely successful in it - but I'm honestly unsure if I'm actually ready. Healing from betrayal trauma in past relationships has been a process - but I'm actively working to process and recover from it."
Her Plans for Valentine's Day:
"One of my sister-friends and are going out to eat dinner and of course sticking to my tradition of exchanging gifts with my mom and sister."
What Self-Care Looks Like for Her as a Single Black Woman:
"Self-care legitimately looks like whatever you need at that moment to make sure you preserve your mental and physical! So many times Black women fall into the idea that self-care is selfish and self-indulgence because Black women are superheroes! And although it can be getting your hair and nails done - sometimes these things can be more of a task or maintenance and another thing to do on your laundry list of to-do's (because let's face how we show up in this world is important).
"I'm really big on love languages - tapping into what your love languages are and giving yourself what you need on the regular is important for self-preservation."
"My top three love languages are acts of service, quality time, and receiving gifts - so I do things like schedule time for car washes, time block my schedule for uninterrupted time alone, or treating myself to something that I really want! We have to discipline ourselves to make self-care a priority and do what works best for us when we need it!"
Tayla Santos (@taylasnts)
Tayla Santos (@taylasnts)
Location: Boston, MA
Single Since: 2018
Why She Chooses to be Single:
"I needed space to grow into the woman I knew I was intended to be. God was speaking to me and He had plans for me. I knew that leaving who I was within 2018 would open so many doors for me and my career. Looking back, I was unhappy and didn't even know it. I praise God for giving me the strength to walk away from a relationship I thought I couldn't be happier in. Now I am successful in my career as a content creator, I run the Youth Group at my church, and get to spend so much more time with my family!"
Plans for Valentine's Day:
"I will be driving to NYC with my best friend and sister to spend a few days in the city!"
What Self-Care Looks Like for Her as a Single Black Woman:
"Spending each morning with God and focusing and prioritizing my health."
Vanessa Samuel (@vanessasamuel01)
Vanessa Samuel (@vanessasamuel01)
Location: Denver, Colorado
Single Since: 2014
Why She Chooses to be Single:
"I took some time to really understand myself in my 20s while pursuing my dream career and life. Now that I am 30, I am ready to dive in, now that I know more of what I am looking for. The things I wanted in my early 20s are very different than what I want now."
Her Plans for Valentine's Day:
"Virtual speed-dating and relaxing!"
What Self-Care Looks Like for Her as a Single Black Woman:
"I personally thrive off of adventure so self-care for me looks like traveling to new places and exploring or trying out something new that I haven't done before (i.e. snowmobiling, rock climbing, scuba diving). I also love reading an inspiring book by someone I look up to. It makes me feel like they are my personal advisors even though I do not know them."
Featured image courtesy of Nzinga Imani
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