Recognizing The Signs: Emotional Abuse Is Still Abuse

Oct 10, 2018 14:49 PM +0000

I never felt like I was being emotionally abused. Not when I was 17-19 years old dating my ex boyfriend. Not even when I was getting yelled at, spoken to like a child, cursed out, manipulated, or threatened that if I didn't stay, he would take his own life.

Though at the time I didn't have a label to put on it, I definitely knew he had emotional issues that often he took out on those closest to him or completely closed up altogether.

He also had a drinking problem and would beg me to take him to get alcohol. When I refused, he would berate me until I threatened to leave. When I tried to leave, he would threaten to take his own life. If I gave in and took him to buy alcohol, he would eventually berate me for taking him and blame me for him being drunk.

I felt like I was in an endless cycle with him.

He would become irate over the smallest things, from me getting lost on my way to pick him up from work, to him not liking the jeans I bought him. Literally anything would send him into a full on temper tantrum that often involved yelling and cursing me out before tears, begging me not to leave, and threatening suicide. I was being emotionally abused daily and told no one.

Many women don't reveal when they are being emotionally abused because they don't see it as abuse or feel it is inadequate compared to women who are in physical domestic abuse situations, but emotional abuse is very real and the scars just like physical ones take time and work to heal.

Here are a few telltale signs that you are suffering or have suffered from emotional domestic abuse.

He plays the perfect person to get you to do what he wants and the moment you do, he's back to playing his usual games. In my situation, it was with him wanting me to buy him alcohol. The moment I did, he was happy but a few drinks later, he was back to berating me. Or once our relationship was ending, he would make up lies to gain sympathy from me or use the smallest ailments to try and get my attention. If he tries to manipulate you just to get his way, makes up lies to make you feel bad for him and keep you in his corner, or is constantly lying to you for his benefit, he is using manipulation to control you. This is a form of emotional abuse.
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It's easiest to control a person when they don't have loved ones around who can see things clearly when they can't. Often times, abusers will attempt to isolate you from those who care most for you in order to completely control you. Maybe they will try to turn you against your family or tell you certain friends are jealous of you and your relationship. My ex hated when I spent time with my friends and wanted me to be with him constantly. Abusers want you completely to themselves so they can have as much control over you as possible by isolating you from your loved ones. As a result, you're left to feel as if you have no one else and put up with their abuse much longer than you would have had if you felt like you had a support system or loved ones you could turn to. Healthy relationships include relationships with other people, not seclusion and isolation.
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It's normal that in the heat of the moment, voices might rise or you might slip up and say something you don't mean. But every single disagreement should not include being called out your name, being yelled at or spoken to like you are inferior. In almost every argument, he talked to me like I was a child unable to think on my own. He would talk down to me for the simplest mistakes and make me feel like I was incapable of doing anything without him. It's not healthy for your partner to speak down to you, berate you, or call you out your name, and especially not consistently.
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There are way too many stories of women being killed by boyfriends for any woman to not take it seriously. Though I never thought he would and he never threatened to physically hurt me, if a person doesn't care about their own life, how much do you think they will care for yours? Each time he threatened to commit suicide, I would run back because I was afraid of having to live with the guilt of him actually doing it. In hindsight, it wouldn't have been my fault at all. He had his own emotional demons he was dealing with that had absolutely nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, you can't make a person want to live or not and you can't stay with them at the threat of them taking their own life. In the end, if they refuse to seek help, you have to help yourself by leaving the situation.
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I'm a big believer in following your intuition as well as putting my trust in God. God is not the author of confusion. My ex's actions were nothing but confusing. I was only happy in fleeting moments and constantly in a confusing emotional state. I didn't want him to commit suicide but I knew pretty early on that he was not the man I was supposed to marry or be with. But despite the instability, I cared for him. As much as we may think we love someone, deep down inside we know when something isn't right. We see the signs, we just choose to ignore and look past them in hopes he will change. Though anyone is capable of change, we all have to choose to change on our own and unfortunately, you can't always stick around in hopes that change will happen.
If things simply don't feel right in your relationship, if the ups and downs are more downs than ups, if you are constantly in a battle with your heart and mind, it's probably time to walk away from this relationship and spend time on becoming as emotionally healthy as possible.
It may not be easy walking away from someone you love but eventually, you will become so much stronger because of it.
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If you or a loved one is in an abusive relationship, help is available. Call 866.331.9474 or text "loveis" to 22522.

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