Sex
I love Black men. It’s a full-stop statement, and I will never try to justify or defend it. Honestly, I shouldn’t have to. And the more that I study them (yes, literally), the more I counsel them, the more that I converse with them — the more I see that they have so many layers to them.
Why isn’t this discussed more? Quite frankly, I think that it’s because a lot of people don’t ask Black men things; they assume. And so, in response, the guys are like, “When you care enough to bring the topic up to us directly, that’s when we’ll happily answer your questions.” And that’s why I pitch and pen pieces like this one here — because while society is out here acting like men have a one-track mind when it comes to topics such as sex, as you’re about to see, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Yeah, T-and-A ain’t all that guys care about when it comes to what happens in the bedroom. But hey — don’t take my word for it. You’ve got 12 Black men, right here, who readily expounded on the topic…and you might be (pleasantly) surprised by what they had to say.
*Middle names are always used in my interview pieces so that people can speak comfortably and freely*
1. Stone. 34. Divorced.
“I’ve never understood why women think that all we think about or want is sex. If that were the case, why would any of us marry because there is more sex that doesn’t require a commitment out here than ever? We’re stimulated visually, sex is an important part of a relationship, but a woman needs to bring more to the table than just body parts. Once guys get out of college, they prioritize sex differently because the right woman can take you to heaven while the wrong woman can make life a living hell — and your sexual choices dictate a lot of that. I’m glad you asked me this question. Many women assume that all men are sexually driven and shallow; there’s more to us than people think if they would just…ask.”
2. Roderickson. 27. Single.
“I think women have it wrong about what makes for good p-ssy, personally. Yes, wetness and how it feels on my shaft are important but it’s way more than that. A woman who is present and energized is who stands out for me. Someone who flows with you. It’s not even about how many positions you know or how good your head game is. Again, those are valid too. But when there is a chemistry that’s unmatched, that’s when she’s got some of the best in the game — and for each man, that connection is going to be different.”
3. Baraz. 30. Married.
“We don’t want sex if you don’t want it, so the turn-over-sigh thing that some of y’all do that says, ‘Sure, just hurry up’ — keep that. No matter how horny we might be, men who enjoy the entire sexual experience want a woman who wants to be there…ALL THERE. We don’t want to feel like we’re violating you just to ejaculate. It does nothing for the relationship or our self-esteem.”
4. Wyston. 33. Single.
“Not every man likes sex the same way. I don’t think every person does. That’s why the whole discussion about what it means to be great in bed is silly because what worked for your ex may not work for me. We need time to get to figure out what ‘our thing’ is. Egos in the bedroom don’t work. Being ‘good’ is a case-by-case basis.”
5. Paul. 40. Married.
“I think women are way harder on their bodies than we are. My ex-wife withheld sex for almost a year after our son was born because she said that she was uncomfortable with her body. Did it change? It did. Did that stop me from wanting her? It didn’t. She was so paranoid about her breasts, stretch marks, and extra weight around her tummy, and all I saw was the woman who gave me the best gift ever. Her body changing didn’t destroy our relationship; her trying to project her issues onto me eventually did.”
6. Davon. 49. Divorced.
“It’s hard out here as a Black man. We always have to be on guard. What a lot of women don’t get about sex is it’s the few times when we can fully relax and take off the shield. That’s why we don’t handle sexual rejection well because it’s not just about ‘getting off’ — we are coming with all of our vulnerabilities, hoping that there can be a few moments when we don’t have to think about all of the stresses of life. More women should ask men about why sex matters so much to them. They’d be shook to find out.”
7. Ansel. 25. In a Serious Relationship.
“Sex is always going to be better with someone we’re emotionally connected with. When I think about some of the best sex that I’ve had that was nothing but sex, it doesn’t compare to the sex that I’m having now that isn’t all of the ‘bells and whistles’ but it is way more intimate. Men like intimacy too. Probably the biggest assumption that’s made about us is we don’t.”
8. Cordale. 30. Engaged.
“We hate when you fake it. Sometimes we can tell but when we’re caught up, we can’t and it doesn’t make us feel good when we find out that you did it only to get the sex over with or you didn’t want to hurt our feelings. What hurts our feelings is we weren’t able to please you. Don’t bark orders at us but do tell us what you need. We can’t read your minds but we do want to please you; that’s what gets us off even more.”
9. Malachi. 42. Divorced.
“Dr. Myles Munroe used to say that men need sex. WE DO. We don’t just need it for a release; though. Jacking off can accomplish that. We want to feel a woman — really feel her. A beautiful, feminine woman who has strong sexual energy and enjoys a man is powerful. Some women really don’t know their power, I swear.”
10. Zachary. 28. In a Serious Relationship.
“Men like foreplay. What we don’t like is when women act like foreplay is only about pleasing them. No one wants oral for just a couple of minutes. We don’t just want to be kissed on our mouth either. Sometimes we want our partners to switch things up and come up with something really creative. Just jumping in and out? That’s about a nut. When you want to have good sex, the foreplay game has got to be on point.”
David. 29. Single.
“What man doesn’t like sex? S-it. We can go without it, though; especially if it’s not good sex. And good sex isn’t just about how you have sex with someone; it’s also about how into you they are when you have it with them. If you’re gonna have sex with me like you’re doing me a favor, I’ll pass. We’ve got more self-control than women think. We also value ourselves more than we’re given credit for.”
Taos. 35. Married.
“What I love the most about my wife [as far as sex is concerned] is I don’t have to initiate all of the time. Sometimes I do. A lot of the time she does. It makes me feel, not just that she really enjoys sex but that she truly desires me. Ladies, initiate sex more and watch what it does for your relationship. Just think about how you would feel if you had to ‘get things started’ all of the time? Not wanted, right? We are not different. Initiating goes a long way. You’ll see that I’m right if you give it a shot.”
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Okay, so question: When’s the last time you’ve talked to the men in your world about the assumptions that are made about them regarding sex vs. how they actually think and feel? Treat yourself to one of those sometimes. It could be just what you need in order to debunk some myths in order to improve your own views on men and sex — and ultimately your sex life, as a whole. After all, healthy communication is the key to healthy intimacy, right? Exactly.
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