How To Get Closure If Your Ex Won't Give It To You

Say What YOU Need to Say.

One of my favorite songs by John Mayer is "Say What You Need to Say". And you know what? Even if a guy won't meet up with you for coffee or talk to you on the phone, there is way too much technology out here to not be able to get what you need to off of your chest.

If you've been asking your ex for a closure convo and he's gone radio silent on you, write a letter, send an email, leave a voicemail. I don't care who he is, curiosity alone will make him listen.

80 percent of diseases are stress-related. Don't let your pride or fear prevent you from getting what you need to off of your chest. And trust me, guys are as curious as we are. He's gonna read or listen to what you have to say, whether he responds or not.

Accept the Subtext of His Avoidance.

There are typically three reasons why a guy will not give a woman closure. He doesn't care about her. He doesn't respect her feelings. He wants to keep the emotional, or at least sexual, door cracked. The first two reasons are cowardly (and why do you want to keep pining over a coward?!). The third one? It's just wack.

Bishop T.D. Jakes once said, "If a man stops talking to you, that is your closure." For a long time, I used to disagree with that but not anymore. What I've taken from that is, "If a man doesn't honor your feelings enough to want to bring peace to the situation, he's not worthy of any more of your time or tears."

We're hardwired to make what we value a priority. If he knows that closure is important to you but he's not making himself available to make that happen, your relationship wasn't as special as you thought it was. And he doesn't deserve another conversation. Period.

Set Some Heart Boundaries.

One summer, while I was in high school, don't ask me why, but I sold perfume door-to-door. One of the things I learned from that totally ridiculous employment opportunity is, if you're making a sales pitch and the person cracks their door to hear you out, you've got a 40-60 percent chance of convincing them to make a purchase.

You know where I'm going with this, right? Remember how I said that some men avoid closure because they don't totally want to close things? Closure means "a bringing to an end; conclusion". If that's truly what you want, you need to not leave your heart cracked.

Answering his DMs. Responding to random "I miss you" texts. Pulling a Cardi B and spending time with your ex just because you're horny are examples of NOT setting boundaries. 9 times out of 10, you're just setting yourself up for being in something that's going to play itself out to be emotionally counterproductive.

Setting boundaries is what helps to remind you that if things were so awesome, why are you trying to get closure in the first place?

Embrace That Timing Is Everything.

Back in 2015, I went on what I called my 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back Tour'. I intentionally looked for the guys in my past that I knew I still had unresolved things with.

One guy, I always referred to as "the one who got away". Anyway, one day, while he was attending college, he called and said, "You're like crack and I choose to no longer be addicted."

He hung up and never returned any of my follow-up calls. I was shocked and hurt.

Fast forward to 2015 and thanks to Google, I found his work number, left a message from "crack", told him why I was calling and said I would accept if he chose not to call me back. We spoke for over seven hours that night and I got all of the answers that I was looking for.

He's fine and some mo' fine, so I must admit that we stayed in communication for a couple of months after that. But eventually, I fully accepted that he was a part of my past and it was time to leave him there. Now he's not the one who got away. Now he's a man I loved (and lusted) who's still a good man. We can run into each other and give warm hugs, church hugs though because he's just that fine, and there's nothing but peace between us. That piece of my heart is fully back in my possession.

My point? Sometimes closure doesn't come when we want it. But if the universe believes that it's important for our progress, it'll come right when we need it.

Know That You Can Heal WITHOUT Him.

A spiritual teacher by the name of Yogi Bhajan once said, "You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are." That said, it is my humble opinion that anyone who wants closure but isn't getting it from someone should read "9 Ways to Avoid Giving Away Your Personal Power". It includes tips like forgiving others, knowing your values, and taking responsibility for how you feel.

Your love is powerful and you're giving someone a lot of power if you think that you can't move on and heal without their two cents, validation, or time.

That said, do I think giving someone closure is a mature and stand-up thing to do? 100 percent. But not everyone operates from that kind of head and heart space.

If a man doesn't give you closure, accept it. Meaning, if he won't honor you in that way, honor yourself by deciding that it's time to focus less on y'all and more on you. The less you rehearse how much closure you need and instead concentrate on loving on yourself, pampering yourself, and meeting your needs based on where you are now, the more you will close things all on your own — without his permission or assistance.

Before you know it, you'll be able to open up your heart to the kind of man where closure won't be something that you'll have to concern yourself with. All because you closed things by yourself. For yourself.