Wellness
A few nights ago, while catching up with a male friend who I’ve known since…shoot, forever, I found myself involved in what tends to happen a lot in my life: an impromptu counseling session. As we were going over what each of us had missed in each other’s lives since our last chat, when it came to the romantic aspect of his life, I was glad to hear that he was still with the same woman that he had been with since our last convo (which had been a while).
Backstory? He went through both a marriage as well as a divorce that was hell on wheels on a whole ‘nother level, so it had taken him some time to trust again.
Anyway, as he was sharing all of the things that he found to be refreshing about his now long-term girlfriend, as I always tend to do, I asked what were some potential red flags as well — because if she’s still his girlfriend and nothing more, there must be some type of reason…right? One of the things he said was, “She really wants to get married, and I don’t.” He’s in his late 40s, and she’s not too far behind, so I said, “So, are you dangling her?”
He was quiet for so long that I then heard myself say, “If you’re being honest and she’s staying, either she’s hopeful or in denial. Yet, if you’re not being real about where you stand, you’re being selfish, and you should let her go.”
Wasted time.Wasted freakin’ time. It’s the mutha of all muthas.
On the heels of this, one day, I know that I need to do a part two of “Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife” from back in the day because, as much as some of us don’t want to hear it, some guys may like us — hell, even love us — and yet, they never considered us to be wife potential…not for them. Yep, sometimes, all they ever see is a sex buddy or girlfriend because their mental and emotional levers never go past that point.
And no, it’s not automatically because they are dogs (I hate when men or women refer to each other or themselves as canine) or even that they’re being manipulative or malicious. Sometimes, they don’t want more than what they currently have with us — and it really is just that simple. Real talk, when they are being honest (and we’re accepting what is being said), it really only gets strange when we know that, we want so much more and so we stick around…hoping that they will do something different than what they are currently doing — even when they said that they have no foreseeable plans of doing so.
Whew, chile. All of this reminds me of a throwback Sex and the City episode (from season two, to be exact) where Carrie (who, in my opinion, is the white version of Joan Clayton — if you know, you know) said something that has always stayed with me — something that explains one version of how something known as emotional self-harm presents itself. And y’all, I actually think that it’s a great way to illustrate some of the reasons why I was inspired to broach this topic.
Just so it all makes really good sense, let’s begin with a clip from the “La Douleur Exquise!” episode. And then we’ll dive into signs that you actually could be a lot like Carrie when it comes to emotional self-harm — and, if that is the case, what you can do about it…so that you can get (and stay) free from hurting yourself in that way.
Okay, so the clip is providing context; however, the best part of the episode is towards the end of it when Carrie says this:
“On the way home, I was furious; not with Big but myself. I was the real sadist. He might be the one with the whip, but I was the one who tied myself up. Tied myself to a man who was terrified of being tied down.”
In the clip, she used the word “masochist” and in the quote, she said “sadist.” Just so we’re all on the same page:
Masochist: a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others
Sadist: a person who enjoys being cruel
Y’all, none of us have the time to unpack ALL of the red, orange, and yellow flags of Carrie and Mr. Big’s relationship. What I will say is, from this episode alone, you can’t assume that someone wants what you do, when you want them to, just because they have sex with you or like hanging out with you. Therefore, don’t assume. ASK.
However, peep how Carrie basically questioned if what she was going through — if what she was choosing to send herself through — was pretty much a form of emotional self-harm. Did she somehow get some kind of “payoff” from Mr. Big’s actions causing her pain? Was there some part of her that found an odd sense of comfort in the familiarity of being cruel to herself by tolerating things that she literally told her friends that she didn’t want?
Was she a victim of emotional self-harm?
When it comes to the topic of self-harm, in general, oftentimes, it’s the physical side of it that gets addressed. Today, I’m going to share some things about what emotional self-harm looks like — and not just when it comes to romantic aspects of life, either. In order to fully heal, ponder if you fall into any of these unhealthy patterns across the board.
What Is Emotional Self-Harm?
When it comes to physical forms of self-harm, probably one of the best ways to describe it is it’s a way of not-so-healthy way of coping when your emotions become extremely overwhelming. When self-harm transpires, someone may cut, burn, bruise themselves, or do something that causes physical pain or damage on some level. Well, emotional self-harm is when you use your own thoughts and feelings to also do damage to yourself.
And while that could manifest in the form of self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse, illegal activity, or fighting, what I want to hone in on is how it can also appear in the form of remaining in sexually unwise dynamics, emotionally abusive relationships or situations that keep you in the pattern of low self-worth, cyclic and counterproductive behaviors, and (avoidable) drama and trauma.
So, where does emotional self-harm stem from? Many mental health specialists say that it oftentimes comes from childhood-related issues, although things like low self-esteem and certain attachment styles may play a factor in it, too. Know what else can lead to emotional self-harm? UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS (and yes, I am yelling it!), which can include someone telling you one thing and you decide to hear something else or trying to force, coerce, or guilt someone into giving you more than they want to.
Two other things that can cause emotional self-harm are if you are super self-critical (which is not the same thing as holding yourself accountable; check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”) or if you are a perfectionist.
When it comes to Carrie, there areso many think pieces out in cyberspace about how exhausting of a character she was, in hindsight, on a billion different levels. Yet, when it comes to this specific instance with Mr. Big, I’d say that her attachment style and her expectations were a big part of the problem. Did Mr. Big show mixed signals? Sometimes, yes. More times, more than anything though, his words and actions displayed that he simply wasn’t as into her as she was into him.
The emotional self-harm came from Carrie thinking that if she did more, she could change his mind (been there, done that). Oh, but as a wise person once said, “You’ll never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.” Going into denial about that? That is another form of emotional self-harm because while you’re out here giving your all with not the best ROI (return on investment), it’s basically because the guy simply isn’t on the same page as you — perhaps not even in the same book.
Okay, but like I said earlier, even beyond romantic relationships, you can harm yourself emotionally, in general, in a myriad of different ways. Today, I’m going to briefly touch on six of them.
6 Signs That You Participate in Emotional Self-Harm…Perhaps Without Even Knowing It
I’ve researched emotional self-harm for a hot minute, and so I can already tell you that this is about to get interesting because, after I go through some really telling signs of participating in some form of emotional self-harm, you might realize that you do it far more often than you would think.
1. You talk down on yourself.
Looking back on some of the things that certain adults in my life said to me during my adolescence, I’m surprised that I’ve got the confidence that I do. I get that a part of it is because I’ve done some “reprogramming” over the years to get my mind to see myself as worthy of healthy adjectives instead of emotionalized toxicity (meaning, adults who projected their toxic s-it onto me).
If you’re someone who doesn’t speak highly of yourself or a pastime of yours is being self-derogatory, ponder why. Were you told how wonderful you were in your childhood? Have you tricked yourself into believing that self-degradation is a form of humility (IT’S NOT)? It’s hard to get people to treat you with excellence when you don’t even do it — and that starts with how you speak of yourself…to yourself.
2. Your ego is in your intuition.
The ego that is involved in some people’s intuition is going to jack up so many areas of their lives if they’re not careful (check out “When You Should Trust Your Gut & When You Shouldn't” and “So, Experts Have Something To Say About Your Intuition's Accuracy”). For instance, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched women self-sabotage their relationship, and it was all because they were invading their partner’s privacy and/or jumping to all sorts of conclusions — and that was because of their unhealed issues with former men caused them to think that their projection was intuition in their current relationship. SMDH.
Listen, when it comes to this point, two things: 1) women don’t have a monopoly on true intuition — it’s something that men and women have and 2) if your ego or pain is abundant, there’s a huge chance that whatever assumptions or decisions that you are making, intuition isn’t leading you…some form of negativity or even paranoia is.
3. You live in the land of generalizations.
Did you know that a sign of being a bitter person is if you make grand generalizations? All men cheat. Generalization. Everyone uses people. Generalization. No one can be trusted. Generalization. And when you are a bitter individual, it’s almost a guarantee that you are going to end up subjecting yourself to some type of emotional self-harm.
That’s because bitter people tend to have a very jaded perspective which causes them to approach things from that same type of head and heart space. Yeah, if you’re one for generalizations, please be really careful with that.
4. You jump to conclusions. A LOT.
Honestly, something that goes hand in hand with this one is you make assumptions — and we all know what assuming does (it makes an ass…you know the rest). So, why do so many people do it? A big part of the reason has to do with impatience, and when you don’t have all of the intel or facts, that can definitely lead to premature conclusions. So can having preconceived notions or judgments about something or someone or being overly confident that you know more than you might.
The problem with all of this is when you move too fast, or you make gross assumptions, relationally, that can be off-putting to others while professionally, it could rob you of certain chances and opportunities — all of which could lead to emotional self-harm when you really stop to think about it.
5. You “should” too much.
I’ve got a close girlfriend who delivered me from “should-ing” many years ago. And, although initially, I gave her quite a bit of pushback, in hindsight, I’m so glad that I did. Really, this is its own article; however, for the sake of time and space, I’ll just say that if you’re the type of person who stays in toxic, cyclic, or counterproductive dynamics with people based on what you think they “should” do because of what you would do if you were them, you are going to stay disappointed, if not hurt, A LOT.
For one thing, to impose a “should” on someone else? That tends to have a lot of ego attached to it because others are not you. Secondly, if you keep tolerating what you shouldn’t, as you wait on what you believe that someone “should” do, you are going to keep hurting or harming yourself on some level in the process. When it comes to humans, sis, all you can do at the end of the day is recognize what they are doing (or aren’t doing) for what it is — and then decide if you are going to participate or not. That’s it. You’ll harm yourself a lot less often the moment that you accept this fact.
6. You make mountains out of molehills.
If it’s not a big deal, why are you making it one? That was another thing that was so draining about Carrie…a lot of the time. She didn’t really seem to be very emotionally self-aware, and so when things didn’t go her way or as planned, she would oftentimes act like it was the end of the world — and that was just a waste of time, energy, and emotions. “Sweating the small stuff” is definitely a form of emotional self-harm; it’s also a sign of being a low-key control freak. Trying to control what you cannot? Oh, you will definitely hurt or harm yourself that way — one way or another.
How to Overcome Emotional Self-Harm
Okay, so now that you know a little bit more about how you can literally put yourself in self-harm’s way on the emotional tip, let’s explore a few things that you can do to prevent it from happening in the first place.
Remind yourself of what “harm” means.
Due to the ish that I’ve been through and the things that I’ve been able to help others through, I’ve personally come to the conclusion that a part of the reason why a lot of people go through harm is because they aren’t fully clear about what it means. Sure, they get the general concept of it; however, did you know that harm doesn’t just refer to physical injury? No, you are also harmed if there is mental damage, evil, wrongness, or even moral injury that occurs.
And what would be considered a “moral injury?” Being a part of something that is traumatizing or even witnessing someone else going through it is. Betrayal is another definition of moral injury. So is someone who pressures you outside of your personal beliefs, standards, and boundaries.
Uh-huh, now that you know all of this, there’s a greater chance that you’ve been harmed, more times than you thought, right? And, there are possibly more instances when you’ve subjected yourself to emotional self-harm, too (like involving yourself in things that go past your limits). Once you can see something for what it really and truly is, that is how you can put together a clear plan on how to start the healing process. Harm has been defined.
Now, what needs to be done to avoid it?
Prioritize HEALTHY over HAPPY.
I really can’t believe how much of a god people make out of happiness. Sure, that might sound odd to hear on the surface yet think about it. You’ll blow up your marriage simply because you’re not happy anymore? You constantly eat stuff that isn’t good for you because it makes you happy? You spend — or is it waste? — money because shopping makes you happy?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times: children are consumed with being happy all of the time. A part of what comes with being a mature individual is you do what is healthy — and no, that isn’t always (and definitely not automatically always) going to make you happy. I’ve had many clients who have wrecked their lives for the temporary highs of happiness.
Please hear me when I say that you tend to stay out of (self) harm’s way so much more when being healthy — sound, strong, flourishing, safe, and whole — is the goal.
Train your mind to not overthink.
Once upon a time, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “8 Ways To Be So Much Kinder To Yourself. Starting Today.” What I didn’t include (yet probably should’ve) was how you really aren’t doing yourself a bit of good to overthink. All that results in is creating problems that don't exist, hindering you from making actual decisions and/or (potentially) putting stress on yourself both physically and mentally. And how can any of this be anything less than forms of emotional self-harm whenever you do it? Think, yes. In excess to the point of stress? No.
Live in reality.
It will never not be that one of my favorite Scriptures is the Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” Reality isn’t based on feelings over facts or truth — and honestly, that can make living, in reality, difficult at times when you’d rather be in some sort of fairy tale that you may have conjured up in your head.
Yet, as I’ve said many times on this platform, fairy tales are defined as being stories for children and unrealistic ones at that — so, living for the fairy tale? That is sho ‘nuf a form of emotional self-harm.
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This is a lot to take in — I get that. Still, I hope that you will take all of what I just shared seriously and literally because I believe that a big part of the reason why so many people end up hurt by others is because they are unaware of the emotional self-harm that they are causing themselves.
From very up close and personal experience, I can tell you that if you address the latter, you can master avoiding the former (at least as much as you used to). And you can definitely prevent yourself from being the “Carrie” in your own friend circle (anymore).
Sis, like Carrie, you’ve been “tying yourself up” only for others to hurt you, start unraveling. TODAY.
Emotional self-harm will never benefit you. Start the healing process…now.
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