5 Signs You Still Aren't Over Your First Love After All These Years

You’re Still Holding Onto His Stuff

An ex of mine once said something about my past that I think is a healthy and mature perspective — "Shellie, I have no problem with your past, so long as it stays in the past." By that, he meant he didn't want to have a picture of me and an ex staring back at him whenever he came to my place and he didn't want to see me rockin' a sweatshirt of an ex when we watched movies on the couch.

Interior decorators say that if you haven't used something in a year, you should probably toss it because you're holding onto it for no good reason. Soooooo…those letters, that teddy bear and even old texts from your first love — what purpose is it serving to hold onto those?

Just something to think (long and hard) about.

He’s the Standard To Which Everyone Gets Compared

Did you know that if you conceive a child with someone, their DNA stays in you — wait for it — for the rest of your life?! Although I terminated my pregnancy with my first love, when I first found that out, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me realize that also may be a part of the reason why he was so hard to let go of.

But even if that never happened, he's over 6' and has a dark chocolate complexion. He was also smart, witty and super-dynamic. He's had his flaws, but all in all, he's still a pretty dope individual.

And yes, I held virtually every other man who came after him to that standard.

The problem with that is, if left unchecked, you'll never know how to keep the standard in balance. What I mean by that is, you won't be looking for guys who have similar qualities; you'll be looking for guys who are just like him.

That's never gonna work because 1) there is only one "him" and 2) you're not allowing yourself to evolve into other great characteristics someone else may have. You'll basically be saying that if it's not him, it should be no one. You're basically choosing to allow your first love's ghost to continue to haunt any relationship you have in the future.

He Still Has “Inner Access” to Your Life

I knew that I was finally done with my first love when we had our final lunch. I called him about a week later to share my final thoughts (on his voicemail) and immediately changed my phone number.

Prior to that, I pretty much always made sure that he could get a hold of me some sort of way. A mutual friend, an email address (I've blocked him now too)…something.

Am I saying that first loves can't be friends? Of course not. What I am saying is, if it's a truly platonic situation, there will have been time apart for healing. And should you both come back together in some way, jealousy, or disrespect of each other's significant others and non-platonic intimacy (physically or emotionally) is off of the table. You won't still be so hung up on him that if your partner is uncomfortable with the relationship, you'd rather end the relationship than put more distance between you and your ex.

It's a privilege for people to have access to your sacred spaces.

If your first love gets the same perks as your current partner, you're not over your first love. Not even close.

He Gets Away with Stuff No Other Man Can

22 years. 22 YEARS. I've loved a few other men in my day, but no one (short of my future husband) will be able to say that I carried a torch for them for over two decades. Nor will another man be able to say we could go years without speaking, meet up and I'd immediately entertain marriage. Nor will another man be able to say that they could get some, no matter what was happening in our lives outside of one another. Nor will another man be able to get me to consider being stepmother to his ever-growing number of children. Nor will another man be able to say to me — after two decades — "Let's just take our time and not rush into things." ***dude, what did you just say?!***

Something that I admire about couples who were virgins when they got married (and yes, those do exist; I personally know two of them) is because they were each other's first true love; they are loyal to one another in a way that I was with my first love. Only, they have a lifelong commitment and some paperwork in the form of a marriage license to back it up.

All relationships need boundaries. It's what keeps things healthy and holds folks accountable. If your first love can basically do whatever, whenever…you already know, chile.

You Haven’t Fully Moved on (and You Know It)

A few years ago, I wrote a letter to my former self. The backdrop was attending a real-life wedding of my first love's cousin, seeing my first love as a groomsman and, while walking down the center aisle to get my seat, having a moment of envisioning that I was the bride.

I was doing my own thing with someone else at the time and it was going pretty well. But seeing that tall-chocolate-bar-of-a-man in that tux? Honey. I'm pretty sure I would've married him on the spot if he had asked, even without really knowing what he was up to at the time. And what that caused me to realize is, I hadn't moved on.

If your first love can DM you and get your heart to fluttering. If he can text you and you'll immediately respond. If you'll risk losing your current partner just to be in communication with your first love or you know deep in your heart that if they returned, you'd compromise whatever to be with them, you're not over them. Not even close.

First loves are powerful. They can set the foundation for how we approach other relationships. But if you're no longer with yours, don't discount the reason why that is the case.

An ex of mine once said, "You're not in love with me. You're in love with the memory of me."

When it comes to how a lot of us feel about our first loves, that's usually what's going on. It's not true love, it's loyalty to a past love. If you're still not over your first love, please love yourself enough to know the difference.