As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where women are given a platform to tell their stories in the first-person narrative, as told to a writer.
This is Amoya Shante's story, as told to Sheriden Chanel.
When I decided to uproot my life, move to Mexico, and leave everything I knew behind, I was at one of the lowest points in my life. My business was failing, my dating life was a joke, my finances were scary, and I felt like I hit rock bottom. I craved something different. A fresh start. A new beginning. The desire to move abroad and start over grew within me like a fire and after a while, I couldn’t ignore it. Nor did I want to.
The first time I moved to Mexico was after I went through a divorce. I shed the things that did not serve me by selling all of my possessions and embarked on my Eat, Pray, Love journey with my kids in tow. Traveling was a catalyst of healing and for two and half years, I ate, I prayed, and I loved. Eventually, my journey led me back home to the United States but the seed of moving abroad to Mexico had already been planted and it would continue to bloom as I was met with feelings I felt before.
I was back at square one. I was lost, unmotivated, uninspired, burnt out, and broke, and Mexico called to me, reminding me of the healing I experienced there. I started over before, I could start over again.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
But as a single mom of three, I had hesitation. I feared Mexico originally due to the U.S. news and I was so sure that my kids would be kidnapped and harmed in some way if I went. It was through talking to other expats living in Mexico and understanding reality beyond the sensationalism of news stories that my nerves calmed a bit. Again, I sold all of my possessions and decided to take a leap of faith.
As a believer in the magic of manifestation, I believe I can do all things. I had my military retirement and an online business at the time, so I definitely still had to live paycheck to paycheck when I first moved to Mexico. But I jumped like I’ve done so many times before with faith that the universe would catch me like it always did before I fell. I set my intention, leap, and I don’t get too caught up in the 'how.' I trust and I follow that inspired action. Moving to Mexico in July 2021 was no different.
I remember arriving in Mexico at night and taking a taxi from the airport to our Airbnb which was an hour away. Everyone was so kind. I didn’t feel scared at all. Actually, I felt like I had been lied to my whole life. The energy in Mexico was different.
I felt calm, safe, and at peace.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
Those feelings would only reaffirm my decision each day that passed while living in Mexico. I was there for all of one month before meeting the love of my life. I was searching for a photographer in one of the expat groups I was in and from a list of about 60 photographers, I somehow zeroed in on his name, Julio. I don’t know why. I was drawn to him. Even then. I went to his Instagram, checked out his work, and sent him a message.
I didn't look at or check prices with any other photographer. I just felt compelled to hire him.
Upon meeting Julio for the first time, I immediately recognized him as a soul I had already known. I initially tried to ignore the feelings he gave me but he pursued me in a way I never experienced before. From the very beginning, he felt so familiar to me. It was like we were two souls that had spent many lifetimes together. My normal energy in dating was one of anxiousness and desperation but with him, there was none of that. Nothing between us was ever forced, it just flowed.
With him, I felt calm. I felt at peace.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
We had our differences. Julio is Mexican. I’m American. I’m 10 years older, he’s younger. Even still, he is easily the most emotionally mature man I’ve ever been with. In the beginning, he spoke very little English and I spoke very little Spanish. Cultural differences and language differences hit us right away. I believed the dating process meant dating multiple people until I was in an exclusive relationship, but in his culture, that is not a thing. They take dating seriously and only date one person at a time and then need to speak to their family before asking you to be their partner. After you are official, you then meet the family.
Julio pursued me from the very beginning and still does so today. I never had to wonder what he was doing or who he was with. I never had to wonder if he was going to write because the man didn’t let an hour go by without sending a message or a text. And despite the language barrier, he would also call, which wasn’t something I was used to. I knew he was the one early on because I was able to be my true self with him. I didn’t have to act in any way or overthink things. I could just be.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
For a while, I felt unworthy of love because I was a single mom. In order to be ready for the love I manifested in my relationship with Julio, I had to let go of that and develop a belief that not only was I worthy of love but I was worthy of the most amazing relationship ever. I had to develop a belief that it was safe to love again after being in an emotionally abusive marriage. Not only did I have to learn to love again in a healthy, nontoxic way but I had to learn how to love myself wholly and completely so I would show up in a relationship healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
He respected my way of dating although he did not like it and he chose to remain true to his own values of only talking to and dating one person at a time. Julio was committed to getting to know me so he wasn’t letting a language barrier get in the way. I remember traveling back to the States for two weeks after meeting Julio and him FaceTiming every night where we would talk for hours. He was getting an immersive experience with the English language. In so many ways, he taught me that if they want to, they will.
Despite our differences, we are most connected over our values. We value freedom, travel, family, and spirituality.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
Not a day goes by where I don’t feel seen. He listens to me. Not kind of listens but truly listens with his whole body and energy. He chooses our girls and me every single day and even though my three older daughters are not his, he has never made them feel any different than his own daughter. He takes care of us in every way by leading in a healthy masculine energetic way that allows my feminine energy to come out to play. I feel safe with him.
That is not something I experienced in my entire life. Feeling safe. He supports me and my vision and purpose. He is my biggest cheerleader. Julio is my balance. He keeps me grounded and calm. He is the best human I have ever met and I am so grateful to have found him again in this lifetime.
When I was at my lowest, I sought to manifest freedom, abundance, soul-aligned friendships, a business that lights me up, a chef, a nanny, a housekeeper, a villa with a pool, and of course, my soulmate. I am happy to say that within 16 months of moving to Mexico, I have manifested all of it.
Julio and I are engaged, run a six-figure business, and also welcomed our first child together, another baby girl to our family! And this is the first time I was able to enjoy newborn life because I am being fully supported and cared for.
Courtesy of Amoya Shante
However, all of the rewards that are bearing fruit in this season of my life weren’t without risk and they definitely weren’t without inner work.
I invested heavily in my personal growth and self-development. A few months prior to moving to Mexico, I became certified in neuro-linguistics programming, timeline therapy, hypnotherapy, and life coaching.
I did deep inner work. I stopped treating my business as a hobby, started charging what I was worth, set up strong boundaries, and created a product that I knew worked so it would be easy to sell. I surrounded myself with people who inspired and motivated me and held me accountable to boldly live the life I saw myself.
There is always more healing and lessons to be learned but overall I am healthy, whole, and complete and now get to help others feel the same.
For more of Amoya, follow her on Instagram @amoyashante and TikTok @amoyashante. You can also join her Facebook group, Belle Aligned.
Featured image courtesy of Amoya Shante
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The essence of effortless poise and refinement shines bright through the iconic university colors of indigo blue, red, and white. Every October, Howard University students, alumni, staff, and friends gather on the prestigious campus in Washington, D.C. to take part in time-honored traditions and events, which is Homecoming. This year's theme, “The Meccaverse,” was a week-long celebration of Howard University’s heritage, including the Homecoming football game and Bison Pep Rally, the Fashion Show, Greek Life Step Show, Homecoming Day of Service, Lavender Reception, and the iconic Yard Fest Concert.
As 2024 marked the 100th anniversary of the Howard Bison trek back to The Mecca and after two years of virtual events due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this was to be a celebration of a lifetime. We enlisted HU alumnus Sharmaine Harris, a luxury retail buyer, as she revisited her alma mater as eyes on the yard for fashion-forward outfits mixed with personal style and campus pride for the weeklong celebration.
Before we get to the looks, discover how attending Howard University impacted her career in fashion and her day-to-day style:
Credit: Sharmaine and Friends
xoNecole: Describe your personal style. Did attending Howard have any impact on developing it?
Sharmaine: Howard taught me that there’s no such thing as being TOO dressed. There’s always a reason to “put it on” and look presentable, even if it’s just for a day of classes. Standing out was celebrated and encouraged with my peers embracing the opportunity, giving me the confidence to try new styles and trends.
xoNecole: How did Howard shape your career as a luxury buyer?
Sharmaine: I studied Fashion Merchandising, through which I was fortunate to have professors who were very connected to the industry and able to give first-hand accounts of opportunities and what to expect post-college. I was also able to build a network through my peers and other Howard Alum, which has opened doors to endless possibilities both within fashion as well as daily life.
The same confidence instilled in me through my style has also been rooted deeply within me as I step into any role or project I’m faced with throughout my career.
xoNecole: This year marked Howard’s 100th-anniversary Homecoming celebration. Can you describe what the weekend looked and felt like?
Sharmaine: I’ve gone to many Howard Homecomings since graduating, but this year’s 100th anniversary felt like a huge family reunion filled with nothing but love. It was beautiful to see so many Bison return home looking great and radiating joy. It was beautiful!
xoNecole: What makes Howard fashion different from other HBCUs?
Sharmaine: Being that Howard is The Mecca, we have such a diverse population with each individual having their own spin on fashion. Getting dressed is second nature for us, but the layered confidence is our secret ingredient to make any look come together. Through that comfortability to push barriers, we have a legacy of setting trends, as indicated by the many alumni we have in the fashion and entertainment industry.
Keep scrolling for the top street style moments from The Mecca's Homecoming weekend:
Credit: Lacey Gallagher
Credit: Alan Henderson
Credit: JaLynn Davis
Credit: Dylan Davis
Credit: Caleb Smith
Credit: Kendall W.
Credit: Jordyn Finney
Credit: Vanessa Nneoma
Credit: Dr. Mariah Sankey-Thomas
Credit: Caleb MacBruce
Credit: Tiffany Battle
Credit: Teniola
Credit: Ilahi Creary
Credit: Nicolas Ryan Grant
Credit: Dylan Davis
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image courtesy of Sharmaine Harris
Anyway, in my personal opinion, when it comes to sexual activity, there should also be etiquette that should be applied — you know, “rules of conduct” (or engagement) for how we should expect to be treated and how we choose to treat others. Because, even if you don’t hear about sex being presented in the form of needing to have manners, having a certain level of decorum, and/or requiring a mutual level of dignity, that should absolutely be the case.
And just like some of the lifestyle etiquette tips that I learned back in the day have stayed with me all of this time, it’s my hope that if you aren’t applying (or requiring) the following 10 sex etiquette suggestions (all 10 of ‘em too) that you will start…so that they will remain with you as well.
1. Discuss Sex-Related Things That Will Directly Impact Y’all’s Health
GiphyDoes even one day go by when someone on Instagram, X, or TikTok isn’t talking about why someone should or should not know another person’s body count (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”)? Although I have been known to say that the kind of things we’re proud of, we tend to brag about without hesitation, that doesn’t mean that I think people are owed that type of information.
That being said, that doesn’t mean I’m not aware that there is science to back up that the more sex partners men have, the more that they increase their chances for being diagnosed with cancer; that a higher amount of sex partners can impact whether or not you get married (and that it tends to lead to divorce more often as well), and that an uptick in partners can even increase your chance of becoming a substance abuser.
Not to mention the fact that, as Dwayne Wayne once said on A Different World episode (that featured a great performance by Tisha Campbell), “the longer the list, the greater the risk” (of contracting an STI/STD) — however, if we’re looking at this point from nothing more than a sexual one, really what someone deserves to know is if you’ve been tested for STI/STDs within the past 6-12 months and, if not, if you’re willing to get tested prior to having sex with them. Anything else really is privileged information and totally up to the individual to share — both directions too.
2. This Includes Afterplay. Beforehand.
GiphyChile. I can’t tell you how many times someone has told me that they found themselves either embarrassed or flat-out pissed about how a sexual experience went. It wasn’t because of the sex itself; it was more about how things were handled afterward. Now, if you’ve never seen the (wow) 35-year-old film When Harry Met Sally (Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan) before, there’s a scene where Billy Crystal’s character talks about men trying to figure out in their mind how long they should hold a woman after having sex with her.
To me, the modern version of this is after sex, when someone asks, “So, what are you about to do?” because that sounds like code for, “You ain’t got to go home but…” Listen, when two people have real feelings for each other and/or are in a long-term dynamic, this point is — or at least, should be — pretty irrelevant.
However, if you’re in a casual sex dynamic or a situationship, I promise you you're putting yourself in a position to “feel some type of way” if you merely assume that afterplay means cuddling all night long while he thinks it’s more like polite convo for 10 minutes and then bouncing (or vice versa). If you don’t want to be bedside blindsided, discuss beforehand how you each prefer to get down.
3. Ask Before Sexting
GiphyI don’t care if the two of you have never had sex before or if you’ve been doing it for a while at this point, but if sexting has never (pardon the pun) entered the chat, you both really should ask before you start sending NSFW stuff into each other’s devices. Some people don’t like it. Some people prefer to know when stuff like that is coming because they don’t want what is being said or shown to be exposed to those around them.
Some people prefer not to “shift gears” (as far as their energy field is concerned) when it comes to being in one mindset and all of a sudden receiving sex-related content that they weren’t prepared for. Believe it or not, there is data to support that the art of sexting can improve coitus overall. However, the same research says that it needs to transpire under the umbrella of mutual respect and clear communication. I agree 1000 percent.
4. No Means No. This Applies to Us Too, Ladies.
GiphyMedia culture can be so…irresponsible, sometimes. Since we’re talking about sex, specifically, today, take when it comes to men and sex. Contrary to popular belief, no, that is not all that they think about and no, they aren’t always in the mood — for a myriad of reasons. And that’s why, I think it also should go on record that just like it’s wrong for a man to try and push a woman past her “no,” women shouldn’t do it either.
It truly isn’t said enough that you shouldn’t simply call it seduction if a guy doesn’t want to and you keep trying to get him to anyway while defining it as coercion when the shoe is on the other foot. The saying “no means no” shouldn’t have a gender bias on it. Everyone should have their boundaries respected — at all times too. Full stop.
5. A Clean and Comfortable Scene
GiphyFresh bedding. A clean bathroom. A washcloth and towel for your partner. Flip-flops (to walk around and/or take a shower in). Lubricant. Bottled water. These are the kinds of things that immediately come to mind when I think of what should automatically come with someone spending intimate time in your home. It’s also what you should be fine with requiring should you choose to have sex at someone else’s house too.
Because even if there aren’t things like scented soy candles and a ton of ambiance, you and your partner at least need to feel like you both are in a space that is clean. This should be a hands-down non-negotiable, by the way.
6. Turn ALL Devices Off
GiphyI don’t know if this means that the sex is/was really wack or you’re just a phone addict in denial but if you are “one out of every five individuals” who checks their phone during sex, I’ve got a bevy of questions for you. SMDH. For this one, in general, though, I don’t have a lot more to say other than, I don’t know how anyone could think that checking their notifications during sex — any kind of sex — isn’t rude as hell and definitely a reason for someone to hard pass on wanting to “engage” with them ever again.
So yeah, for this one, let’s go with an automatic “all devices off” rule. Since most people only want sex to last somewhere between 7-13 minutes anyway (is that per round…or???), I’m pretty sure that whatever IG Live that you’ve been waiting on can wait. Goodness.
7. Have Your Own Stash of Condoms on Deck
GiphyAssuming that the guy should always bring the condoms is about as sexually irresponsible as a guy thinking that he doesn’t need them because the woman he’s about to have sex with should be on birth control. My point here is that you really need to have your own condom collection. One, so that you’re always prepared. Two, so that you can select the condoms that you prefer (most guys are totally fine with that). Three, no matter what you might think that it implies, mature folks get that it means you are serious about protecting your health and well-being.
And what if discretion is what you’re the most concerned about? No worries, there are all kinds of condom carriers out here that basically look like tiny wallets (for example, here).
8. Keep Cleansing Cloths Around
GiphyHygiene is important, is it not? Although going into graphic detail about it may be something that most people would want to avoid, sometimes sexual activity happens spontaneously with no bathroom close by. And listen, even if the movies act like (for instance) oral sex after getting all sweaty from dancing all night in the club is hot, my mind automatically goes to it being kinda gross. So, at least keep some rinse-free cleansing cloths on deck if you don’t want to wait until you can hop into a shower. A pack in your purse or glove compartment can go a really long way. Straight up.
9. Don’t Be a Show-Off
GiphyOne guy who I had sex with back when I was in college, I was so excited about — initially. At the time, he was fine, and then some mo’ fine. To be honest, although we were very cool and spent a couple of years on campus together before I — eh hem — indulged, the main reason why I wanted to sleep with him is because I thought that his looks were a preview of his performance level. Boy was I wrong. Any time I refer to our, umm, time together, I call it “Cirque du Soleil sex” and even that is being generous because that man was trying to put me into every twist and turn that he could in under 20 minutes.
It’s like he was trying to prove that he could hold it down…and all that ended up doing was backfiring — supremely so. Moral to the story here: sex should be about two people enjoying each other, not low-key trying to compete or “outdo” one another. Anyone who says otherwise is truly bringing poor form to the bedroom, whether they realize it or not.
10. Watch Your Words. Afterwards.
GiphyOn the heels of what I just said, if sex with your partner was pretty much the equivalent of watching paint dry, it’s still important to be thoughtful about what you say. Lack of empathy, being inconsiderate of their feelings, talking to them in a way that would damn near cause you to blow a gasket (or melt into the floor) if they did the same thing to you — all of this files under hella rude behavior.
And while we’re here, please watch your body language — you know, heavy sighs, eye-rolling, stonewalling…if you don’t want to have sex with them again, that is totally your right; that doesn’t mean that you have to humiliate them in the present, though. You know, A LOT of people carry their ego in the bedroom — male and female.
That’s why I write articles like “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not” and “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed).” So, whatever transpires, try to be kind and compassionate. Karma shows up, even in the bedroom. Make sure it’s proud of how you handled yourself. One way or another, you’ll be glad that you did.
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Sex etiquette. As you can see, it’s a very real and necessary thing. I’m curious, though. When you get a chance, hop in the comments to share some other “copulation manners” that you think are important, along with how you handle matters when they are missing or go awry. Hey, when it comes to having better sexual experiences, we’re all in this together.
Kinda. Sort of. You know what I mean. LOL.
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Featured image by Drazen Zigic/Getty Images