
Newly Engaged Amber Riley Gives Us The Secret To Finding Love In The DMs

While most of us got our introduction to Amber Riley back in 2009 as Mercedes Jones on the critically acclaimed show Glee, she has reemerged as a spicy, confident songstress fully capable of taking on the music industry one note at a time. Her self-titled debut EP, RILEY, includes the timeless "BGE", which stands for "big girl energy", and the melodious "A Moment", tribute to her late friend and Glee castmate Naya Rivera. The Compton native has received celebrity endorsements from industry powerhouses including Zendaya, Jazmine Sullivan and Chloe x Halle, while her six-track project climbed to the number two spot on iTunes' R&B Albums chart upon its release in early October.
In addition to being one of the most undeniable talents on screen and in the booth, she is a loving partner to her now-fiancee Desean Black. Though most women choose to wander down the traditional route, Riley channeled her BGE and slid into the DMs of her future fiance. Because she took a chance on herself, the friendship and her future relationship was able to flourish. In this exclusive interview, xoNecole spoke with Amber Riley about tapping into her sensuality, how she feels her sexiest when she's with Desean, and the lessons she's learned throughout her twenties to make her the confident woman she is today.
Official 'RILEY' cover art
Justin Frazier
xoNecole: This year, a lot of women have been going through a shift during the pandemic and the year made a lot of people sit with themselves about who they are, what they want to do and where they want to be in life. Was that the case for you, and what shifted in your life this year in comparison to when we had all the distractions before the pandemic?
Amber Riley: It made me more mindful, more conscious and aware of my mental health and myself. It helped me realize that a lot of the things and distractions that keep you from paying attention to the things you need to change into your life were eliminated, which is what I think everybody was feeling. Not even just women, but men too. Personally, it made me pay more attention to myself and my own needs. Sometimes even my own flaws and the things I needed to work on personally.
Your lead track is “BGE”, which stands for “big girl energy”. Tell me a little bit about what “big girl energy” means to you.
It means literally taking care of bigness. That's what big girl energy is. It's pushing past obstacles, pushing through when you want to give up or be tired. It's about not taking people's bullshit, it's about making your money, it's about being a boss, it's about taking care of yourself. Big girl energy is literally just taking all of that great energy that you need from yourself to make it through or make it to whatever you need to in life.
Yes, I love that! Speaking of energy, the energy in the video was absolute fire! It also features your current fiance! Congrats on the engagement! You’ve been private about your personal life in the past, so walk us through the decision to say, “I’m about to show off my partner, this is what it is and this is who I’m rocking with.” What made you decide to share with the world that piece of your life?
Well, he was in my music video and I was like, "You know, they're kinda gonna know anyway and it's gonna be weird if I don't say anything." This is the first relationship that I've been in that I feel is really healthy and I love him to pieces. I need people and the people that also be in my DMs to know that I'm taken, I'm spoken for and I'm giddy and in love. It's gross (laughs).
I can tell the happiness in your voice and you can really tell when genuine love is afoot. You sound genuinely happy!
Yeah, he's really my best friend. We really worked on our friendship and respecting one another. He's just a great man all around. I feel super blessed to have even met him and I'm blessed to even have his friendship. Nothing's perfect obviously, but I wouldn't want to go through the ups and downs of life with anybody else.
Before the friendship came the initial meeting and you debuted your relationship recently with a post on Instagram about “How It Started” versus “How It’s Going” about sliding in the DMs. You mentioned that you found him because of xoNecole and I’m interested in hearing that story because you have us out here hot in these streets and women think this is where all the men are because you landed one. Tell me about how that went.
I literally was just scrolling and it was a wine night for sure. I love xoNecole because you talk about women's issues and mental health, I love reading your articles and of course I love Necole, too. You had posted him and I don't know if he was a Man Crush Monday - I don't know what he was. When I saw his picture, I was like, "Oh my God, he's such a handsome man." I believe I followed him that night, and I remember scrolling through my Instagram, I saw his picture, and I was like, "Who is this guy? I don't remember following him." He was on my timeline and I was like, "Hmmm, I'm gonna say hi," and I did. I literally just said, "Hey Desean, how are you?" in his DMs.
I've also been much bolder this year about dating and putting myself out there. A lot of people don't want to put themselves out there because they fear rejection. I'm not a special case, so if the person that you're interested in is interested in you, then they're gonna respond in that way. A lot of women say, "I don't want to be thirsty going into a guy's DMs," but I wasn't thirsty and I wasn't chasing him. I just made myself seen and I made sure that he saw me and it went on from there. In our first conversation, we were talking about science, brains and nerdy shit.
"A lot of people don't want to put themselves out there because they fear rejection. I'm not a special case, so if the person that you're interested in is interested in you, then they're gonna respond in that way. A lot of women say, 'I don't want to be thirsty going into a guy's DMs,' but I wasn't thirsty and I wasn't chasing him. I just made myself seen and I made sure that he saw me and it went on from there."
It was a genuine conversation!
Yeah, it was genuine. It would be the same way if you met somebody on the streets or at a club or at a bar. You have a conversation with someone and you see the vibe. It's the same thing.
What is your advice to a woman who feels any type of way about making the first move to get a guy? That’s major big BOSS energy to go out there and get what you want when you want it!
Don't be afraid to put yourself out there if you're interested in someone. You don't know the circumstances because some guys may be a little bit shy and you could be missing your opportunity to get an amazing friend. That could be the person that you're gonna marry, the love of your life and you miss it all because of ego or pride. If the person doesn't want you, that just means the person wasn't for you but you're just making yourself be seen or available to that person. Don't think about it as chasing them. It's basically saying, "the ball's in your court," as a man, if that's what you're concerned about.
That's what women think about sometimes like, "I want him to be the man and I want him to take the initiative." I've heard that before, but honestly, if you put the ball in their court and just let them know they're interested, if that's the kind of man you want, they're going to pursue what it is that they want.
In your track, “Temporary”, you rhetorically ask if love even exists, but you were able to find love during a pandemic. Hookup culture is screwed right now but you’re able to maintain a healthy relationship. After a few failed relationships, we tend to close ourselves off to the possibilities of love, but what are ways that you learned to open yourself up and your heart so you can meet Mr. Right?
Honestly, it was through self-love. I've had my heart broken before and I dealt with rejection in different ways, but I think the self-love aspect really helped because I got to a point where I was like, "A person who did me wrong isn't going to take away my opportunity to find love." I deserve love. I deserve to be loved and you only realize that through self-love and the way that you treat yourself and knowing what it is that you have to offer. I'm not for everybody and I'm not out here trying to be for everybody either, but I do know that I bring value to myself and I've always wanted to build with someone.
I think I just got to that place where I was looking for the right thing, something substantial and not superficial, and willing to walk away if it's not the right thing instead of fearing being alone and by myself. I'm comfortable being alone. That helped me make the right decision to be with the right person.
Will Smith said, years ago, that in order to love someone, you have to be willing to collide with the weakest parts of yourself and have to look at the things about you that are cowardly, mean and resentful. With your experiences in your current relationship, how do you feel about that statement?
That honestly speaks to vulnerability. That can be a very hard thing for Black women. Unlike other cultures, Black women aren't always raised to understand that you're the prize and not raised to understand that you don't have to carry all the load by yourself. When I wrote that song "Ride", I wrote it for Black men specifically and in our community, we were never really taught to lean on one another. Vulnerability and trust is a thing that I work on all the time because it wasn't something I was taught or was demonstrated to me as a Black woman. I was taught to take care of your own, make sure that you're good, make sure that you're strong, you don't have time to cry, you don't have time to wallow, sadness is weakness - those are the things that I was taught.
Now, I'm with a man that is a leader and I trust him, and that's hard. Vulnerability was equal to weakness to me. In vulnerability, you do have to be comfortable with the person that you're with seeing your imperfections, your flaws and your failures - and that can be a very tough thing. I have that thick cap where I wanted to be perceived as a whole person and this strong Black woman, but that doesn't work. Relationships don't work without that vulnerability because if there is no vulnerability, there is no trust.
"I'm with a man that is a leader and I trust him, and that's hard. Vulnerability was equal to weakness to me... I have that thick cap where I wanted to be perceived as a whole person and this strong Black woman, but that doesn't work. Relationships don't work without that vulnerability because if there is no vulnerability, there is no trust."
Justin Frazier
You’ve been pretty open about seeing your therapist and giving your depression a name, “Keshia”. I feel like what you did was important because what you did was humanize it and you made depression real, especially in the Black community and for Black women where it’s hard for us to accept our feelings because we don’t want to feel “weak”. How did giving depression and anxiety a name help you face “her” head-on?
I think what it did was help me to see that's not me. That's not who I am. That may be something I've dealt with or I deal with in life. It's actually very normal and I really want people to normalize it because there's a difference too in being depressed, dealing with depression and having clinical depression. Everybody deals with some level of depression or anxiety or being unsure. The more that we talk about it, we take away its power because the secrecy of it all makes it even worse.
When I named my depression "Keshia", it helped me to realize that this is not me, this is not who I am, this is something that is outside of myself that I have control of. I can't control when it comes, but I can go through the process of controlling whether or not this is going to take me down today or stop me. I don't always have a handle on it and it's not completely perfect, but naming my depression helped me to be like, "OK bitch, not today. I got shit to do today, Keshia, so sit your ass down." It gives me this power and authority that I need when it comes around.
A lot of Black women who grew up in inner cities have experienced something you have experienced as well - oversexualization and adultification during their upbringing, which shifts how they view their own bodies. How did getting male attention at an early age have an effect on how you viewed yourself and your sexuality?
It made me hate my body. Being a little more developed at a younger age is confusing because you're a kid but you're walking past men that are making comments about your body and it's comfortable. It made me want to be ugly. I felt like my body was some kind of sin, that that attention was my fault. Not the grown men who shouldn't have been commenting on a kid's body, but because I have a butt or hips or boobs, this is my fault [and] I need to cover up. It also made me eat, not care about my body, not pay attention to my body and being regrettable and treating my body badly 'cause I was upset at the fact that it gave me that type of attention.
To how you are now as a woman, you’re so confident and you own every part of you. How are you able to tap into your sensual side and be OK with being sexy during your adult years?
I'm just always really honest with myself, sometimes brutally so. I've come to the conclusion that my body is my own and I don't pay attention to what other people have to say about it. That's even if it's a compliment. I think that's why whenever people in interviews always want to talk to me about body positivity and the movement, I'm not really part of that movement. I was thrusted into that when I was on television because I was the big Black girl on TV and that's what they do. They try to make you this, what I call, Fat Black Jesus. That's what they kind of want you to be. They want to pick your body apart and pick apart its flaws, they want you to fight to love yourself and live out loud.
My body is my own and it may appear that I'm confident all the time, but I'm also more than just my body. I try to not let my body be a subject matter or consumption for other people. I'm really intelligent, I'm talented, I have other interests, and because I've talked about my body so much in my career, I've just learned to not let it be such a big subject. I don't walk around with that burden that people try to put on me about it. I think that's probably what people think. It really is just not giving a shit about what people have to say and I don't know how to explain that. I don't know if it comes with age. I'm 34 and I don't know if it's because I've dealt with so much criticism and I've come on the other end of it. I have no idea how I got there, I don't have the map and I can't really give people steps on how to get to the space of not giving a shit, but that's just where I am.
"My body is my own and it may appear that I'm confident all the time, but I'm also more than just my body. I try to not let my body be a subject matter or consumption for other people. I'm really intelligent, I'm talented, I have other interests, and because I've talked about my body so much in my career, I've just learned to not let it be such a big subject... I have no idea how I got there, I don't have the map and I can't really give people steps on how to get to the space of not giving a shit, but that's just where I am."
Justin Frazier
Where you are currently, how do you tap into your sensuality and when do you feel the sexiest?
Honestly, I feel the sexiest when I get out of the shower. I just like to be free and in my most natural state, I feel very sexy. At the same time, when I have my hair done and my makeup done, and I have a really cute outfit on because I love fashion and beauty, I feel super sexy too.
What does pleasure look like for you?
Pleasure for me now is just love. The love that I receive from my man is pleasurable, and that even is cuddling and watching TV. That's my happy place - sitting at home, in our room, in our pajamas or whatever and cracking up at a funny movie or him laughing at me watching a scary movie. I hate scary movies and he loves scary movies, and he makes me watch them and I'm terrified. That kind of happiness and that kind of companionship is something that I never thought that I would ever have. That's pure pleasure for me.
When you turned 30, you talked about the pressure of having kids and all of these markers that women are supposed to hit by a certain age. Do you feel that pressure now that you’re nearing 35 to have kids and get married?
I think being 34, I have learned to just go with the flow. I've learned to not really say what I will or won't do, or even sometimes what I want. There was a time where I was like, "I'm not having kids," then there was a time that I wanted kids. There was a time when I was like, "I don't mind if I'm single," then there was a time I was like, "I want to be in love." There's so many different markers in life. There's obviously some kind of pressure because as women, we are born on this Earth with the eggs that we are going to have to have birth. Men can just populate the Earth for the rest of their lives. You do keep that time in mind, and I'm honestly just OK with what God has for me.
Retrospectively, how does Amber in her 30s differ from Amber in her 20s?
There's so many things that differ me in my 30s than in my 20s. Amber in her 20s, I don't think paid enough attention to herself and her own needs. She did not say "no" enough and she didn't put herself first a lot. She didn't take care of herself the way that she should have. She was afraid of the hard stuff that she had to face to mature and grow, and I think Amber in her 30s is just finally in the place where she's OK if the things that she needs to work on hurt a little bit as long as she keeps growing.
If you could give Amber in her 20s any piece of advice with what you know now in your 30s, what would you tell her?
Invest in yourself first.
For more Amber Riley, follow her on Instagram. RILEY is available now on all streaming platforms.
Featured image courtesy of Amber Riley
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
Hmph. I know there has got to be at least three times a week when our grandparents will hear about something that folks present as being revolutionary that causes them to just roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go on with whatever they were doing. Listen, call it old-fashioned thinking if you want to but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary regret in this life, hang out with your elders (and actually listen to what they are saying) sometimes — they’ve already been where you are and, since when it comes to them, you can’t say the same, you just might get a few gems (in fact, I can almost guarantee it).
Take sobergasms, for instance. Oh, I’m willing to bet that a senior in your life has mentioned them, just in another way, before. If you’ve never heard of the term, it’s actually a pretty good one because it means just what you think it does: SOBER ORGASMS. And just to make sure that we all are on the same page, it’s sex — that hopefully includes orgasms — that involves very little to no alcohol.
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
Aight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
When it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
You know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
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Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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