If you ask me why I decided to become a gestational carrier, you might be a bit surprised by my answer.
No, it's not the money, or the time off that comes with delivering a baby.
For me, it's the process of being pregnant that thrills me.
The feeling that comes with doing something completely selfless for a family unable to deliver their own children is one I can only describe as a cleansing. I suppose this story really began back in college. I was already a single mother when I found out that I was pregnant. I felt like I had no choice at the time, I simply couldn't handle taking on a new baby.
So I had an abortion - twice. I carried the heaviness of shame for years, feeling like I had taken something away from the world that wasn't mine to take. That feeling remained on my chest, even after college, starting my career as a teacher, and having more children.
One day, I went to my doctor to discuss tying my tubes. I was asked if I was sure I didn't want to perhaps offer my womb to a friend that needed help instead, and my wheels began to spin. That was four years ago, and since then, I have signed up with a surrogacy agency and started the process full speed ahead.
The idea that I can carry someone's child for them when they cannot is my own way of making amends for the choices I had to make in college.
I also have been fortunate enough to see some of the various ways families are formed. When my sister was 15, she got pregnant. As her guardian at the time, I supported her decision to release her baby for adoption. The experience was positive and, to this day, we're still in contact with the adopting family and the child. We get Christmas cards and pictures of new haircuts and he refers to my sister as his guardian angel.
This was my first taste of what giving a child to a family feels like.
I realize that surrogacy is in the news more than it used to be. Hollywood is beginning to normalize the idea, but when I started this process, I had really no idea what to expect. I imagine there are some women out there reading this who feel the same. What is surrogacy? Is it scary? I hope my story opens up the conversation more because there are so many families in the world who need help to make their dreams of having children a reality.
I live in Beaufort, South Carolina where surrogacy agencies are actually in dire need of gestational carriers.
The agency's application process is certainly not simple. It involves a home visit from a social worker, a 7-page survey, bloodwork, an STD screening, and a complete deep dive into your medical history to determine how safe pregnancy will be for you. I remember when the social worker showed up at my house to conduct the inspection and survey with me. Here I am, fresh from work, three kids running around and my house a mess! Fortunately, she also saw that my home is full of love and that was the most important element she took back with her that day.
After the review process is done, the next step is to match me with a family. I explain this step to my friends and family as "Match.com but for carrying a baby." The agency's job is to make sure that my needs and preferences are aligned with the needs and preferences of the intended family. For example, if a family prefers a carrier that is vegan or of a certain age or if a carrier has a preference for a particular type of family. For me, my preference was for families who face discrimination. Same-sex couples were at the top of my list, along with families who had no children and this was their last option.
It was important to me that my body was serving a truly deserving family who may not otherwise have a chance.
The waiting list for families is incredibly long, which tells you just how much this service is truly needed. The families on the list come in all shapes and sizes. Many of the women I see on the list are survivors of cervical cancer or some other form of illness that rid them of their ability to safely carry babies. A lot of the other families are same-sex couples and singles who are choosing to have kids on their own. It didn't surprise me that all of the families that have been presented to me as possible options have been white.
Surrogacy isn't exactly common in the black community - and if it is, it certainly isn't talked about enough. The news that I was looking into becoming a gestational carrier seemed to sit better with my white friends than with my black friends. I assume this is because we have a fear of the unknown.
What might have surprised me the most is the reaction to the news received from my family. They didn't tell me I was out of my mind, instead they supported my decision entirely. My boyfriend had a bit more to consider. Both of us have children, but we have none together. For him, the idea that the first pregnancy he experienced with me will be for another family was a lot to digest. Men are emotionally involved with pregnancy too - running to the store to get us the snacks we're craving, rubbing our swollen feet at the end of the day and the "payoff" is that at the end of the experience they have a baby in their arms to fall in love with.
After some thought, he gave me his full support. "This is our surrogacy," he said, "I never thought this would be something I'd be dealing with, but I'm cool with it, if it'll make you happy."
The questions I get asked the most by those curious are typically about the money and the transfer. These are the seemingly less appealing parts of surrogacy that people seem to feel the most uneasy about. There's a lot of debate about whether surrogates being paid as much as they are, is taking some of the sanctity away from the process. It's true most surrogates take home a pretty penny. The fee can range from $25K to $50K, and even more for multiple births. The more experience with surrogacy, the higher the pay, similar to the experience in any field of service.
Do I feel bad for being paid to carry someone's baby? Nope. I'm a teacher, so I get paid to be with other people's children all day. Why should that be any different for a child occupying my actual body? A gestational carrier is making a huge commitment for the better part of a year and monetary compensation for that commitment in my opinion is absolutely necessary.
The transfer is what we call the birth. When you have the baby, the intended parent is typically the one to help in the delivery room and the one to cut the cord.
I don't have anything but joy and anticipation for that moment.
Being able to see someone who has wished for that day for so long finally meet their little one, finally feel fulfilled and complete - that feeling overrides any attachment I may develop for the baby while in utero. I think sometimes people forget that there is more satisfaction in giving than there is in receiving. Being a surrogate is certainly not exempt from that rule.
Now that all my screening is done, my next step is to wait. After being presented with a bunch of potential families that I felt - for one reason or another - weren't quite right for me, I may have finally found one that fits. A single gay man who is ready to be a father. I can't imagine what joy he must feel knowing that his dream may finally come to fruition. I can only feel the joy in my own heart from the knowledge that I may be the person to help him along that journey.
For any women reading this who are considering surrogacy - either to be one or to use one. I hope you take with you this very important last message. Don't give a damn what anyone says about it. Do your research, and make an informed choice. But once you make that choice, stick by it unapologetically.
The way we have our babies, the way we make our babies, and what we do with our ability to make babies are our own. Make your choice, stand by your choice, and enjoy your choice.
- As Told To Ashley Simpo
For information about surrogacy laws and regulations in your state, click here or contact the local agencies in your area.
Featured image by Mustafa Omar on Unsplash
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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