One of the first people I met when I moved to Bed-Stuy last year was a man named Earl. At first glance, he could easily pass as my great-uncle.
He had smooth, dark skin as a result of what seemed like decades worth of drinking lemon water, he was well-dressed even in his Velour jumpsuit, and still had all his teeth... from what I could see. I had just completed my hour-and-a-half-long trek from the Bronx, and finally reached my stop in Brooklyn. That's when he spotted me, struggling to pull my two enormous suitcases up the station's staircase, and offered his assistance.
I'd be a fool to decline, so I obliged and let him take the one with the most weight.
My apartment was just a few blocks away, which left plenty of time for us to chat. He inquired about where I was from, what I did for a living, and what brought me to Bedford-Stuyvesant, his beloved 'hood. His assistance ended once we reached my apartment, I thanked him for *quite literally* saving my life and thought, How could I possibly repay him for the trouble?
He already had something in mind… "I would love to have you over for dinner." He continued, "I'm just an old man who would love your company and to cook for you sometime."
I'm not going to lie, I was a little taken aback by his offer. Not because I was weirded out or anything, but because it seemed like such a calculated gesture for two strangers who had only met six blocks ago. So I replied, "Sorry, I'm going to respectfully decline, but I truly appreciate your help."
As those words escaped my mouth, I could see the hope leave his eyes. And just like that, Earl was gone. Since then, I've had many other Earls, there was Mexican Earl, Wal-Mart Earl, Dreadhead Earl, and even Wheelchair Earl.
And they all had one thing in common: the potential to be my sugar daddy.
I have to say, if there's one thing that I can do right in this dating game is pull your grandfather. I never really knew what it was, but men ages 55-65 just love them some me. But don't get me wrong, I used to think something was wrong with me for attracting what seemed like only older men.
Did I look old? Did they think I was some kind of hag? What was I giving off that gave them to cue to holler at me?
With that, I did what I always do when I have a dilemma regarding men and my dating life: I asked my dad. Luckily, as a man in his early 50's, he was able to shed some light on the situation and told me the following: "These old guys keep approaching you because they see you as a quality woman."
Hold on. Hold. ON. You mean to tell me that all these old guys can see the quality woman that I am but no one in my age bracket can? I was floored.
Still, it made a lot of sense. Not to toot my own horn, but I am a quality woman. Through a series of premature relationships and failed dates, I learned that most of the guys that fell off the face of the earth did so after realizing that I was just too much for them and they weren't ready to take on the "challenge" of dating me.
I don't put up with a lot of foolishness. I'm 25, so I've been there and done all of that already. It's not that I'm a pill, high maintenance, or have all these outlandish standards that guys have to jump through hoops to achieve. In fact, I would argue that the bar has been lowered for guys of our generation, so when they meet a young woman who's not going to put up with their mediocrity, it turns them away like, "Oh, she's asking for too much," when in actuality, she's not.
Funny enough, I actually appreciate all of the guys who have removed themselves from the running of being My Next Man. Thanks to them, all parties have been saved the time and effort that would have been wasted on figuring out what we already knew: they would not make the cut.
So, if you're a young, single, poppin' woman with wife-able qualities, please, I beg of you, don't settle for second best just because the wait for "the one" seems like a hopeless cause.
You're over there focusing on your dreams, loving yourself, handling your business, and soon enough, the right guy is going see you.
Don't allow yourself to think that you need to bend and conform to the world's standards in order to increase your chances of being found. Sure, it might get you a little peace for the moment, but chances are, it won't be what you need in the long run.
Continue to be quality. Don't be low hanging fruit that just anyone can grab.
Continue to only invest your time in young men who you could see yourself with long-term, even if you feel like your patience is running thin or your time is running out.
It took the Earls in my life to teach me this. Let's take heed to their wisdom.
*Article originally published on aleyarion.com
Featured image by Shutterstock
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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