Actually, It's Perfectly Fine If Not Everyone Likes You

Dorothy, You Ain’t in High School Anymore

Ever since I hopped off of Facebook, hell, well past 15 years ago at this point, I can’t really tell you that I have any regrets (I’m still on the fence about creating an account to promote my latest book; we’ll see). Although I don’t think that social media is the devil (exactly), I’ve gotta say that almost every time I tip-toe out onto a platform to see what’s going on, after about 30 minutes or so, I find myself saying the exact same thing: “It’s like the world is one big high school” — and no, that isn’t a compliment.

I don’t know about y’all, but back when I was in high school and even college, it seemed that being popular (which typically meant being well-liked, en masse) was about as important, if not more so, than getting good grades…and to this day, I’m not exactly sure why. I mean, think back now to the people who are in your life. How many of them stuck around from your adolescent and young adult years? Then ponder the folks who actually were “all the rage” back when you were in school. What are they actually doing now? Who really “has it going on” to the extent that you admire them for it — or hell, even really care? Lawd, and don’t even get me started on the fact that one of my favorite Message Version Scriptures in the Bible actually isn’t a fan of popularity at all:

“There’s trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. Popularity contests are not truth contests—look how many scoundrel preachers were approved by your ancestors! Your task is to be true, not popular.” (Luke 6:26 — Message)

I think there are three main reasons why Scripture “yawns” at popularity. From a strictly spiritual standpoint, it’s very clear that the world doesn’t like a lot of the standards that the Bible upholds (“If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you.” — John 15:18 — NKJV). Another reason is that we were each made to be individuals (“He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works.” — Psalm 33:15 — NKJV), and individuals, by definition, are supposed to be distinctive. What I mean by that is, if you’re out here trying to be a carbon copy of someone else, what are you doing here? Duplication contradicts individualism.

And finally, one of the main things that our culture is caught up on and caught up in is flattery, which is basically the signature language of popularity. Yeah, the Bible pretty much loathes that: “He who speaks flattery to his friends, even the eyes of his children will fail.” (Job 17:5 — NKJV) Why? Because it’s not the same thing as affirming someone. Nah, flattery tends to come with strings that are a lot like a spider web. In other words, people who flatter you tend to have an agenda or stratagem…and that ain’t good.

So, with all of this being said, one of the first things that can truly free you from caring about if everyone likes you is realizing that high school was years ago and popularity should never come at the expense of truth.

Yeah, cue Eric Benét's “True to Myself” throwback song right here while telling yourself, daily, that if you have to stop being truthful and truth-filled, just so that you can be “regarded with favor, approval, or affection by people in general” or even “adapted to the ordinary intelligence or taste” or “suited to the means of ordinary people; not expensive” (all of which are definitions of popularity), please tell me why that’s even close to being worth it…how, at the end of the day (or this life), it’s not one big colossal (self) lie.

Let’s keep building on this.

Some People Just Want You to Mesh with Their Ego

When it comes to people liking you, did you know that one definition of like is “to bear resemblance”? In other words, what makes a lot of folks like someone else is how much they have in common with them — how similar that person is to themselves. And while that isn’t all bad, if we’re gonna go deeper than the surface, how can some ego not be a part of that? I like you because you remind me of myself. Chile.

Yeah, when it comes to this point right here, it’s important to think about what you resemble in someone — is it good or bad? Because, as Denzel Washington was once quoted as saying, “Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their demons.” And I’m here to tell you that this will preach a billion different sermons because it goes along very well with another favorite (unknown) quote of mine: “We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with our own.”

Y’all, we are watching, right now and in living color, what can happen to someone who is wealthy and popular whose ego isn’t in check, and who has a lot of demons. That combination? What’s good about it? If that individual had ended up genuinely liking you a lot, could that not be a potential red flag? Could it warrant asking yourself, “Why would we have anything in common enough to actually become friends?”

There are some people who initially wanted to be all “buddy buddy” with me, and then, once I displayed signs that I wasn’t going to think or act like them and/or that I couldn’t be manipulated, suddenly, “Yeah, I don’t like Shellie.” Good because who knows what you not liking me was actually sparing me from in the long run. Plus, you just said that I don’t “mirror you” — and there are certain things about some people that I would never — ever — want to.

If You’re Not a Part of Their Path, Y’all May Not “Click.” Cool.

I have never been a fan of someone who tries to be my friend. Although that might sound weird at first, just hear me out for a sec. What I mean by that is, that things that evolve naturally are always better than things that are forced. Sometimes, though, someone will cross my path and here they come with the flattery, and it already makes me uncomfortable. If you can’t let time and experience do their thing, if you’re trying to “make” something happen…what are you really up to?

Because honestly, if we are meant to be, in some significant way, the opportunity will present itself without the need for either one of us to pressure or chase the other. In other words, if you’re a part of my path, a way will be made without you having to overexert (or insert) yourself.

Hmph. This takes me back to someone who used to go above and beyond for us to be friends back in the day. Although she was very smart and witty, something about her always seemed “off.” For one thing, her ego was totally out of control. For another, she sucked at personal accountability — either you agreed with her, or you deemed yourself her enemy (whether that was the actual truth or not)…and that eventually made dealing with her pretty damn exhausting. Fast forward to now and I totally get why we weren’t meant to be true friends.

Although we’re both in the media space, our purpose, platform, and paths couldn’t be more different…and honestly, I saw signs of that back in the day when she would oppose so many of my perspectives as if everything that she said was the gospel and everything I said couldn’t be more off-base.

Y’all, you can spare yourself a lot of unnecessary drama if you accept that sometimes you don’t “gel” with people, and it’s not because anyone is right or wrong — it’s more like your paths simply don’t complement one another; there is no real purpose in you the two of you being mental or emotionally close because it won’t benefit either one of you to do so.

This doesn’t mean that you need to hate each other (or throw hate in each other’s direction). It just means that you are kind of in each other’s way of doing the work that you were, as individuals, called to do because your callings are just that different. If you get this one right here, you’ll be amazed at how little time you’ll wonder about you and certain folks. I’ll bet my next paycheck on it.

Genuine Folks Don’t Vibe with Just Any or Everybody

I’ve worked, consistently so, in some form of media for almost 25 years now, and if there’s one thing that I’ve heard about myself, pretty much the entire time, is “Shellie is the same way everywhere she goes.” In other words, I don’t switch up based on where I am or who I’m around. Earning that reputation is why I sometimes tell people that I tend to be a lot like beer because beer can be polarizing in the sense that very few people are neutral on it: either they love it or they can’t stand it.

And, as “beer,” I’m fine either way. LOL. It’s what comes with being your authentic self and not trying to do what is necessary to “fit in” with others.

Listen, ask anyone who has also been told something similar about themselves and I can almost assure you that they are an acquired taste. That’s because, when you are just…you and you don’t care about doing what tickles the fancy of others or what will earn you their applause “just because” — that “bucks the system” of our culture so much that oftentimes folks don’t know what to do about it…or you. And so, their natural inclination is to try and gaslight you into thinking that you are problematic when really…you’re just genuine — not fake, free from pretense, original. REAL.

And what are some traits of a genuine individual?

• You’re not trying to get people to like you (it’s not a life mission of yours).
• You do your own thing.
• You can take what you dish out (this reveals a lot of fake folks right here).
• You don’t say one thing and then do something else (that’s called a hypocrite).
• You don’t “switch up” based on who’s around you.
• You are very comfortable with yourself (whether others are or aren’t).
• YOU. ARE. CONSISTENT.

Now think about our society — does it encourage people to move like this or does it want everyone to care more about following the crowd and/or to do whatever it takes for the masses to find them fabulous? Yeah, on that, I’ll pass…pretty much always have. #Elmoshrug

Now to be fair, genuine folks do have to keep things in balance because it’s one thing to not care what everyone thinks (good) as opposed to what no one at all does (not so good). Yeah, even (and in some ways, especially) genuine folks need some accountability in their life so that, while doing their own thing, they aren’t being insensitive or dismissive; I’ll be the first to say that.

However, make no mistakes about it: genuine folks, don’t tend to vibe with just anyone, and they/we are more than okay with that — and for some reason, that tends to make a lot of folks…I’ll go with the word “uncomfortable.”

Let all of the genuine folks (with a good sense of self) collectively say, “Oh well.”

Care About Respect and Peace WAY MORE than Being Liked

Humans can be fickle. And honestly, if you get nothing else out of this, I hope that will be your greatest takeaway. And nothing amplifies this more in my life right now than watching my 13-year-old goddaughter try to navigate through friendships. One day, this person is her bestie. By the following week, it’s someone else who is her BFF. A part of the reason is because of what we already discussed about us wanting mirror reflections of ourselves. Another reason is that what is required to be seen as likable and popular can honestly change on a dime.

Still, another reason (and it really is its own article) is being liked, when it’s not coming from a mature place and perspective, typically doesn’t leave much room for growth and evolution.

Another definition of "like"? It’s “of the same form, appearance, kind, character, amount, etc.” and when you’re someone who, as my mother says about myself, “am violent about growth and peace,” that can cause you to change, sometimes drastically so, and a lot of people may not like that you choose to move in this fashion. It messes with their own plans for you and their life.

That’s why I am a much bigger fan of being respected than liked. Although a lot of folks think that respect only means being admired, respect can also simply mean that you, holistically, are valued in the sense that people will value your perspective even if they don’t agree, will value your boundaries even if they don’t understand and will value your time enough not to waste it — and no, you don’t have to be friends or even “like” each other for that to happen.

Like is personal. Respect is heeding the Golden Rule of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you — and yes, I care more about the latter than the former. And when two people can settle on mutual respect, there is also mutual peace as a direct result.

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So yeah, is it nice to be liked? Sure. Is it necessary? Not for everyone to like you, no. Just make sure that YOU LIKE YOU, and the ones who can “like you with a purpose” will reveal themselves.

Everyone else? Let them like what and who they like. You will be just fine regardless — and then some. Promise you that.

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