The easiest way to frustrate a woman is to ask her if her “time of the month” has come around the moment a change in her attitude is sensed. In my career, I have been asked this annoying question multiple times, and each time I promise it took everything in me to refrain from saying something that HR wouldn’t approve of.
Although women are making tremendous strides in the workplace (think Valeisha Butterfield, Nzinga Shaw, and Ericka Pittman) we are still dealing with sexist ideals and stereotypes. Unconsciously and consciously, the world has labeled women in the workplace a certain way. The moment we take a leap outside of those labels, we are criticized. As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said in her infamous Ted Talk, “We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you would threaten the man.’”
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Chimamanda is right. As girls, we are taught this, and this horrible lesson continues into our adulthood through school, family, friends, products, pop culture, and in the workplace. When it shows in the workplace, it has the potential to affect our work ethic, personal brand, and the way we are seen through the eyes of others.
Here are 8 struggles that only working women will understand.
1. The hair issue
As a woman, especially a Black woman, my hair means everything. As women, we sometimes question ourselves and are concerned about the impression that our hairstyle of choice may bring. Is it too big? Is it too sexy? Is the color and cut professional? Does it look neat?
I don’t know one guy that has these same thoughts and I envy that.
For the longest, I would ask myself those same questions. Once I learned how to truly love myself (including my hair), I became confident in my own skin and hairstyles. Now at work, you can easily catch me with my afro puff, extensions, or press/blowout. *cues India Arie’s ‘I am not my hair’*
2. Does this skirt make my butt look big?
Growing up I was super skinny with no curves whatsoever. Now that I have grown up and have been blessed with feminine curves and assets, I love wearing my heels, skirts, and dresses everywhere, including work.
On the same note, I still catch myself questioning my appearance, wondering if what I am wearing and how I look is appropriate. Is my new lipstick too much? Should I wear a red lip that is not so bold? Is my heel too high? Are my eyebrows on fleek? Do I look too fleeky like I tried too hard to look good? Does my butt look too big in this skirt? *tries on another skirt.* Does my butt look too big in this skirt? Dammit. *looks for skirt that makes my butt look smaller.*
I have learned that no matter what size I am, I need to embrace my body. Even when I’m bloated and my not-so-favorite bra bulge is visible, I still love every inch of me and I refuse to hide it at work. As long as the length of my clothing is appropriate and fits my company’s standards, I can wear as many dresses and high heels that I want. Wearing clothing that celebrates my femininity and curves is a must for me. Hey, when you look good you feel good, right?
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3. Emotion = Drama
When a man becomes angry at work and expresses it through his body language, tone, or choice of words, he is being passionate. When a woman does it, she is hit with being a drama queen or wearing her feelings on her sleeve. Or even more disrespectful, people assume it must be her time of the month.
If you are accused of being too emotional, still continue on being yourself no matter what. Stand your ground, and stand up for what you believe in.
4. People will be surprised to see you in a position of power
I have an undeniably feminine name. My name is Brittani (Brittany, but with an ‘i’), but yet, people still mistaken me for a man when communicating with me through email. I can’t count on one hand how many times I’ve been called “Mr” via email just thisyear. Even more so, I have been mistaken as the secretary or assistant by customers, and once I explain how I am the person in charge, I receive surprised looks. The most annoying thing about this all is that these looks are not only from men, but also from women.
[Tweet "Girlboss struggle #4: People are annoyingly surprised to see a woman in charge."]
Even though it is annoying, I still put on my biggest smile and keep my head held high when I am approached by people that are surprised to see me in a position of power. For me, it is motivation to keep pushing hard, and to keep striving for more - for better.
5. Your skills and abilities will be questioned
Women are sometimes perceived as being inferior and not strong enough to lead when compared to their male counterparts. This makes it hard for women to compete in leadership positions that are male dominated (think career fields like engineering, tech, construction, etc.).
Just a few months ago, I received a promotion overseeing all of the operations at my property. With this new responsibility of being the HBIC (head boss in charge) for literally everything, that also came with learning new skills. Because I knew people would question my ability to lead this type of operation, I made sure to do my homework ahead of time by completing online trainings, taking online courses, and shadowing influencers and experts. Also, I made it a note to work twice as hard and to stand firm in my position so that I would demonstrate that I not only mean business, but I am the plug that keeps the business running.
6. You have to work twice as hard, but still get paid less
Because often a woman’s work abilities are questioned, we receive more scrutiny from jobs. When workers receive extra scrutiny, this can lead to poorer performance reviews, lower wages and even job loss in some cases. Speaking of lower wages, we all know the gender pay gap still exists. Even when we achieve higher in our education, the pay gap rarely decreases.
Since there is a noticeably pay gap between men and women, I recommend for women to understand their worth and to not be intimidated to negotiate or ask for a raise.
Bonus tip: Ask for your raise before the new budget for the fiscal year is created so that your pay request can be added in the budget.
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7. Your directness will be confused with bitchiness
When men are direct and are to the point, they are viewed as strong leaders. When women are direct, they are accused of being bitchy. This can in return turn employees and employers off and can cloud their judgment about us.
Despite that, own your attitude, values, and working style. Also, identify your working language and the working languages of those around you. Never change who you are, but try to learn how to adapt to others while still being true to yourself.
8. When you are nice and caring, people assume you are weak
Too often, people associate having empathy and a caring attitude as weakness. When we come off as too caring and warm, people assume that we cannot handle stress and are not strong leaders.
[Tweet "Girlboss struggle #8: People think we are weak when we are too nice."]
If at work you are thought of as weak because you show empathy, don’t change who you are. Think about it. Your caring and empathetic attitude is probably what helped you get how far you have gone, and that is probably your superhero power that makes you stand out. Yes people will talk, but money talks louder. Don’t mind those that are not paying you or your bills.
Although women are still dealing with these everyday struggles, the success that we obtain are proof that we know how to come out on top despite all of the things that try to hold us back. Yes, as women we have to overcome more stereotypes than our male counterparts, but the thing that I love most about being a woman is that we don't let it affect who we are and the goals that we are trying to meet. What I find that we do best is shine at every opportunity and prove the doubters that women can and will still continue to run things in the workplace.
What everyday struggles do you deal with as a woman and how do you cope with it/them? Share below and let us know.
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Sooner than later, you may feel drained, depleted, and resentful due to unmet needs and boundary violations.
When your needs aren’t met, you will serve someone else's standards while neglecting your own. This is why it is so vital that we take inventory of our relationships and assess if they are relationships that honor our needs, our boundaries, and our truth.
1. You allow yourself to build more intimacy in your relationships.
Im Free Stephen Colbert GIF by The Late Show With Stephen ColbertGiphyIntimacy is the heart of a healthy relationship. When we understand our partners, we build intimacy with them. Vulnerability is a conduit for emotional intimacy in safe relationships. Our relationships thrive when we feel emotionally connected and supported by our loved ones.
Nevertheless, a healthy relationship does not mean a perfect relationship, and sometimes we need to assess and address what's working in our relationships and what may need some fine-tuning. When we are open to learning, growing, and developing deeper bonds with our loved ones, we invite them to preserve our relationship through open dialogue centered around honesty, love, respect, and safety.
2. You are choosing yourself and are being honest with yourself.
When you consider spring cleaning your relationships, you offer yourself a token of love. You are communicating that YOU matter, and your feelings, energy, and the overall health of your relationships matter. Spring cleaning your relationships allows you to be there for yourself.
When we choose ourselves, we advocate for ourselves.
So many of us are starting to realize that we have every right to advocate for ourselves, even if the environment we grew up in did not support our emotional or physical well-being.
Now that we can advocate for ourselves as adults, we get to choose our relationships, not from a place of obligation or fear but from a place of reciprocity, love, and respect.
3. It can help you to get clear on things you may have suppressed.
Michelle GIF by The BacheloretteGiphySuppression happens when we actively push uncomfortable thoughts and feelings out of our minds. When something painful happens, and we are left with no resolve, we can suppress how we truly feel as an act of self-preservation for the relationship.
Nevertheless, with honesty also comes vulnerability with yourself. Maybe you have been unhappy in certain relationships for a while, but it was too painful to address, or maybe you have been suppressing how you feel because that is what is expected of you in your relationships.
Although concealing your feelings may protect you from experiencing them, keep in mind that the body stores all of our emotions. There can be serious long-term side effects of emotional suppression, such as physical ailments linked to autoimmune disease.
Our mind, body, and heart are all interconnected, so assessing your relationships through spring cleaning not only improves your overall wellness but can also prevent anxiety, depression, and other chronic illnesses.
4. You can reflect on how you’re showing up in your relationships.
This one is my favorite! Spring cleaning your relationships gives you an opportunity to see yourself more clearly. If you are going through an imaginary checklist of what everyone in your life is doing wrong, you may be a part of the problem. Spring cleaning your relationships is not about what everyone else is doing wrong; it’s about accountability.
Take this time to reflect on how you show up in your relationships.
Are you kind and respectful to your loved ones? Do you honor their boundaries? What can you do to improve? How can you become a better listener? A better communicator?
Use this time to put a flashlight on your heart and take inventory of the places you love people from. Relationships are co-created, meaning both people play a role in the dynamic. Assess your role in your relationships and be the change you want to see.
5. Setting boundaries will reveal the health of your relationships.
Family Vacation Fox GIF by GrandfatheredGiphyNedra Tawwab, the author of Setting Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, defines boundaries as a "verbal or an action that you communicate to someone to feel safe, secure, and supported in a relationship." As we are spring-cleaning our relationships, it’s imperative that we check in with our boundaries.
As humans, we are forever evolving, growing, and changing. As we grow, the boundaries that worked for us ten years ago may no longer serve us today. This is why it is important that we communicate our boundaries as they change. People cannot read our minds, and it is unfair to expect them to, no matter how much you think they should just “know” you.
All relationships need boundaries because people need to know how we want to be treated. In healthy relationships, boundaries are honored, and differences are respected. In unhealthy relationships, boundaries are constantly violated and not taken seriously.
When you learn to set healthy boundaries and you start communicating them through your season of spring cleaning, allow your boundaries to reveal the health of your relationships. This may come with a sigh of relief, or this may come with immense grief, but I once heard someone say, “Struggling with the truth is much better than being comforted by a lie.”
Let your relationships reveal themselves to you so you can form healthier bonds, repair broken bonds, or release connections that no longer serve you.
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Originally published on March 24, 2023