Several years ago, when I wrote the article “Gaslighting, Love Bombing & 5 Other Triggers To Call Out In Your Relationships” for the platform, I shared some of the common terms to look out for when it comes to toxic practices that sometimes happen in relationships. Well, today, we’re going to dive into some that, while you may have never heard of them before (at least in this context), it wouldn’t shock me at all if you’ve experienced at least a couple of them firsthand — perhaps with the same person too.
Now, before we go all in, let me also say that although oftentimes, when we talk about the poison (because that is what toxic means, right?) relationships in our life, it tends to be from the angle of a romantic one, these can apply to any type of relational dynamic including relatives, friends, and co-workers. So please, as you’re processing all of these definitions, don’t just ask yourself if you and/or your bae do these things to one another; ponder if you’ve got any kind of connection with someone who resembles any of this…because, if you do, it’s time to make some serious changes. Because poison (toxicity), in any form, is good for absolutely no one.
1. "Fauxpology"
GiphyHell, when I first got introduced to the concept of a “fauxpology,” I got triggered just looking at the damn word. LOL. The reality is that, although it sucks for someone to have done you hurt or harm and not even say “I’m sorry” for it, what’s even worse is for them to apologize and not really mean it. And just how do you know that they didn’t? Making excuses or trying to justify their actions equates to a fauxpology. Trying to find a way to turn you into the victimizer and them the victim in the process (for instance, “I only did that because you…”) is a fauxpology. The oh-so-very arrogant, “Look, I’ve already apologized for this; I’m not going to do it again” is a fauxpology.
Trying to gaslight you into thinking that what you know happened didn’t happen that way within their so-called apology is a fauxpology. Finding every way in the world to apologize, BUT actually doing it is a fauxpology. And a problem with all of these is it’s rooted in not taking personal accountability — which almost guarantees that the individual who owes you a genuine apology is going to repeat what they did to you, some way, on some level…again. If not immediately, eventually, chile.
2. "Hoovering"
GiphyNow that I’ve completed my (third) book, it has truly tripped me out how much I’m discussing narcissism and narcissistic abuse. The truth is, several people in my world had me caught up in their destructive patterns, and I didn’t even know it because I hadn’t studied narcissism at the level that I have now — and boy, is hoovering a tactic that narcissists like to use pretty often.
Basically, "hoovering" is what happens when you attempt to set boundaries with someone who isn’t very healthy for you, and once they see that is what you are doing, they find ways to try and reel you back in. They might do it by love bombing you (giving you a ton of attention and affection at first, just to regain your trust), trying to make you feel guilty, acting like nothing happened in the first place (which is just another form of gaslighting at the end of the day); invalidating your emotions by making light of what they did (or light of how you feel about what they did); making plans involving the two of you without asking your permission to do so (toxic relatives are good for this type of ish), and/or getting your loved ones involved in order to put more stress on you.
One of the biggest problems with hoovering is that the person doing it is so concerned with getting their own needs met that they will totally railroad yours to make it happen — if you let them, that is.
3. "Double Bind"
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GiphyIt’s hilarious how many articles reference the phrase that definitely comes to mind whenever I think of someone who likes to “double bind” someone else:damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And just why is this so fitting? Well, a double bind (as far as a relationship is concerned) is when someone sends conflicting messages. For instance, when people lead with compliments and then follow that up with insults (“You’re smart ‘n all but you do some really dumb stuff a lot”), how exactly are you supposed to process that information? Exactly. Honestly, one of the first things that comes to my mind are divorced parents who say some of the dumbest stuff to their children: “I can’t stand your father. He loves you, though.”
Yeah, some of y’all need to see a therapist and quit using your children as sounding boards (it’s just another form of emotional abuse that perhaps I will unpack at another time). Another example is when people will say one thing while their tone conveys something totally different (in walks sarcasm and/or cynicism). If after someone walks away from an individual the first thing that comes to mind is they are in a no-win dynamic, more times than not, it means that they are caught up in a double bind. And anything (or one) that constantly causes you to feel confused or defeated? Some toxicity is brewing, for sure.
4. "Engulfment"
GiphyIf you’re someone who is familiar with attachment styles in relationships, you might’ve heard of engulfment before. Probably the easiest way to define this is it’s an extreme form of codependency and a close relative of love addiction. The reason why I say that is because engulfment is basically about being so immersed or caught up in someone that you become more reliant on them than you actually should be. Hmph. A real danger with engulfment is when the lines between two people become so blurred that they lose their identities, which is known as enmeshment. When this goes down, both people find themselves throwing boundaries out the window which is never wise or good.
What are some telltale signs of engulfment as far as a relationship is concerned? If you or your partner feel like you have to take responsibility for each other’s emotions (“You MADE me say this” or “You MAKE me do that”) or your total sense of self-worth is wrapped up in each other, you are caught up in engulfment/enmeshment — and yes, that is a huge red flag. It sets you up to make an idol out of your partner or your relationship…and no one or nothing should be put on that kind of pedestal.
5. "Relational Hypervigilance"
GiphyHands down, one of my favorite quotes is, “Adulthood is surviving childhood,” and this definitely complements the need to avoid relational hypervigilance. I say that because folks who have past trauma, abandonment issues, deep insecurities, or problems with trusting others (all of which can come from a dysfunctional childhood) are prone to fall for this particular type of behavior.
That said, relational hypervigilance is all about someone being so anxious in the relationship that they come off as low-key paranoid or controlling — you know, going through your phone, wanting all of your passcodes and passwords, blaming you for doing things that they’ve conjured up in their mind because they worry a lot.
As a result, they keep their partner on eggshells, which draws a wedge between them and their partner, which causes them to become more distrustful and their partner to become drained and even resentful.
More than anything, relational hypervigilance is a vicious cycle. This is actually one of the reasons why I am not a fan of people thinking that it is someone’s job to “show their love” by constantly reassuring their partner. It is not anyone’s responsibility to make you feel more secure and self-assured about yourself than you are willing to on your own. Unfortunately, since relational hypervigilance is so rampant, folks have normalized it instead of realizing just how unhealthy it actually is.
6. "Mutual Assured Destruction"
GiphyThis is rooted in a military concept. Basically, mutual assured destruction is the thought process that two sides can ultimately destroy each other based on their actions, regardless of who went on the attack first. As far as relationships go, while on the surface, this can look like nothing more than two people who choose (because it is always a choice) to fight dirty, mutual assured destruction can manifest in a more cryptic way as well: codependency. Probably one of the biggest issues in a problematic marriage is when the relationship has — pardon the pun — gone MAD. The cryptic thing about it, relationally, is it typically shows up with two opposite approaches draining one another.
For instance, one person might be seen as the savior and hero while the other is seen as the “sinner” or victim. While the savior is able to feel powerful, the sinner is able to feel protected. Another way that this “works” is if one person handles all of the finances while the other is totally reliant on them; the first person can control the dynamic while the other person may become needy or helpless.
The main thing to keep in mind about "mutual assured destruction" is the motive and intent of things that are said and done — oh, and if a particular pattern or habit is hurting the relationship instead of helping it…because, real talk, some people stay in connection with certain other people only because they are used to them; not because they are actually good for them.
7. "Devaluation"
GiphyThis last one is something else because it kind of has another side to its coin — one that is also relationally counterproductive. So, where’s the deal: devaluation is about exaggerating someone’s flaws while idealization is about playing up their good points too much. You know, I’ve shared before that one of my favorite quotes is “The excess of a virtue is a vice,” and when it comes to idealization, that would certainly apply. And just what could be wrong with complimenting someone too much? Well, the motive and reason(s) are what I’m curious about; I’ll explain.
Not too long ago, I watched a sex trafficking documentary calledTricked(on Tubi). One of the things that it kept bringing up is the pattern of a pimp: how they will first idealize a woman (especially one who they can tell has low self-esteem) and then, once she is reliant on them, they start to devalue her. Suddenly, they no longer see her good qualities; now, all they want to focus on is her bad points or flaws, so she feels so low that she doesn’t have the mental and emotional strength to leave. This doesn’t just happen in the trafficking world; unfortunately, far too many people do their partners the same way.
First, they pile on the flattering to earn their trust, and then they start to hone in on their flaws (or simply what they don’t like about them, which isn’t always or automatically the same thing) to put their partner in the position of wanting to do more for them in order to keep them around. Managers and supervisors can do this, too (check out “Ever Wonder If You've Got An Emotionally Abusive Boss?”). They’ll tell you all kinds of stuff about how awesome you are (without giving you a promotion or raise) to get you to do more work; then, when you decide to stand up for yourself and want more, suddenly, you’re the one who is problematic (insert eye rolls here).
Bottom line with devaluation is, 8 times out of 10, if you’re not feeling valued in a particular type of relationship that you are in — you are probably right.
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Author and speaker Steve Maraboli once said, “Don’t confuse 'familiar' with 'acceptable.' Toxic relationships can fool you like that.” Y’all, he ain’t neva lied. Sometimes, we stay in toxic situations with folks because we don’t have the strength to leave. Other times, it’s because there are still some perks to staying (I’ll have to delve into that at another time). And then, sometimes, we do it because, although we know something isn’t quite right, we aren’t able to fully pinpoint or clearly articulate what is going on.
Hopefully, this quick list will help to shed some light for some of you if you’ve been knowing that something with someone in your life is “off” — you just haven’t been able to define what it is. Because the sooner you can call out what is toxic, the sooner you can shift or remove it altogether. And the sooner that happens? FREEDOM. Guaranteed.
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While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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I remember calling my grandmother, who has since transitioned, and hearing the passion in her voice when she explained how she’d never thought she’d see something like this happen and how much it meant to her. As I reflect, I realize it’s a combination of memories like this that undoubtedly encouraged my will to vote.
However, as an adult, my reasoning behind the practice has developed. It’s no longer just about “the right thing to do.” I feel a responsibility to myself and my future to know the issues, how they impact me, and make a difference for others.
In the times we’re in, there's so much “news” everywhere. It’s hard to distinguish fact from opinion and bias from beliefs. This is why it was such a pleasure speaking with Jara Butler, Chief Impact Officer of Supermajority. Supermajority is an organization focused on making women the most powerful voting bloc in the country. During this authentic and informal conversation, we talked about so much.
I learned about her time working with the Obama campaign and how she masterfully worked in multiple industries, and we shared some of our favorite female rap moments. However, in the snapshot you’ll read, we focused on the issues. Jara walked xoNecole through what’s most affecting women of color in this election and what we can do to be more aware. Whether you’re a politics girlie or like me, just trying to gain more insight, hopefully this convo connects with you.
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xoNecole: Let’s just jump right in. What are some of the most popular issues that you hear Black women discussing related to this election?
Jara Butler: Our sister organization, the Supermajority Education Fund, recently did some research specifically looking at young women in the age group 18 to 35, and young Black women identified their economic well-being as a priority. Right now, we're in a place where a lot of us, especially young Black women, are finding that meeting those basic needs are harder and harder.
Secondly, is Project 2025. I think Black women see it as not just something that could happen, but actively happening. For example, we’ve all been watching the case with the Fearless fund, and how it's been targeted. We know Black women are very entrepreneurial. We can go back to Madam C.J. Walker and others who have opened the door for all of us to achieve. But if those barriers are in place, we're just not going to be able to meet that.
Lastly, Repro is a very big issue. But I think looking at it holistically and not just about abortion is important. Black women are more likely to talk about this from a perspective of our reproductive health care and the lack of access due to medical racism. As a Black woman myself, who's over 40, a lot of the changes that I am making in my life are because I have to do everything I can to put myself in a position, because I know no matter what my economic status is, if I walk into a medical office, there's a good chance I'm gonna face medical discrimination. Breast cancer screenings, colon cancer screening, ovarian cancer screening, cervical cancer screenings - all of those are part of that network of reproductive health.
xoN: Another issue I’d love your insight into is our missing girls. I think it's so unbelievable how much this is swept under the rug. There are so many stories about Black women that are continuing to go missing; I don’t understand how that’s not a bigger conversation. Is this something that can be pursued on the government level and what can we do to bring more attention to this issue?
Jara: We have this list of majority rules on our website, and my favorite one is: that our government represents us. I think that we have to continue to apply pressure to our government to meet our needs. And again, women are the majority of voters. Black women, especially, are the most reliable voting bloc across all groups, and our interests right now are not being met. So yes, there is something that we can do, but I also am a big proponent of us having these conversations.
My great-grandmother was enslaved, my grandmother was born into Jim Crow, and I watched my mother face economic insecurity. I say that because, as a Black community, we have to have an internal conversation to talk about these issues, and we have to do it upfront. I think we have to get into a position of realizing that we do have power, and how we activate that power.
Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater. And finally, we have to get away from depending on one individual to take us there. It's gonna take all of us.
"Our power comes from being Black folks because Black people organizing has been enough to shake up and scare people. There were laws that prevented us from congregating together, even at church, because they knew what would happen when we got together. We have to get back into that. It's not that we are not doing it, but the urgency needs to be greater."
xoN: I agree completely. Now, when we started, you mentioned money. So let’s talk about it. So many of us are starting businesses and getting degrees, and I love to see it. But everyone seems to still be having a lot of the same issues around finances. What are some of the underlying reasons behind this debt that we're dealing with, and how can voting influence these challenges without getting into the individual candidates?
Jara: Hello! Let’s talk about the money! Black women have been told that if we want to move ahead, we have to have that master's degree. We have to be twice as good. So we met that measure, right? But in order to do that, we have to pay for it. Up until about the 1970s college was absolutely affordable. You could work one job and pay for college with some money left over. That has changed.
Realistically, student loans are a barrier. They are a barrier to access housing. They impact our credit, and really and truthfully, depending on how much your loans are, they could affect you paying rent. It basically creates a cycle of debt. And I have real problems with people who say, get a degree in something that's going to make money. It’s about your skills, and if you have the skills, you should be able to earn a living. That covers that.
But the fact is that student loan debt continues to increase, and there have been attempts, more than once, to try to relieve some of that pressure. The reality is that this is a squeeze. It is a conundrum, and we see efforts by the current White House administration to try to alleviate those things, even when they are stopped.
But truly, Congress needs to step in and support this, but I would take it a step further. We should be considering and looking at what it would look like if we had free community colleges. Because what we have now is two generations of borrowers, because older millennials’ children are beginning to age. Black women have the highest degree of second-degree secondary education, but we carry like 1.7 trillion in debt or something like that. I can't remember the exact number, but basically, the majority of the student loan debt is ours.
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xoN: Speaking of college, obviously there’s a lot of discussion around affirmative action in the schools and the undergoing changes. How important is it to consider this topic, and are there any new laws or policies being proposed around this that we should be aware of?
Jara: Oh my goodness, affirmative action is one of the things that we saw that our sister site, the Supermajority Education Fund, found last year as a number two issue for young women. I actually hypothesized that it was a real thing, and it was. And the reason for that is that affirmative action as a whole has been something that benefited white women more than any other group.
However, what is happening is that we’re using the word DEI in a way that is derogatory. I’ve heard people refer to it as: “didn't even earn it.” And as a Black woman who attended an amazing school, I remember being in class and having someone make that comment, knowing my grades were higher than theirs.
The fact of the matter is that we would not need these policies if we lived in an equal and equitable society. It doesn't do us any harm for us to face the facts that this country was built off the backs of enslaved people and the blood of indigenous people, and off the sweat and the tears of immigrants. But because we are unwilling to face that, we now are demonizing programs that are actually meant to create some symbol of balance.
xoN: Finally, I’ll close with this, what can we do to provide information to young people, and how do we combat all of the less than researched info?
Jara: One thing I encourage is to look at the source. At Supermajority, our social channels are information-based. We strive to provide up-to-date accurate information that is digestible to all. Media literacy is something I believe in, and unfortunately, it is something that we have a responsibility to continue to share with the community at large. So much of our world is centered on immediate info, a lie spreads faster than the truth.
We just saw that with the Olympic women's boxers, and we have to ask ourselves often: is this information accurate? Who is telling the story? Most importantly, how am I an original contributor? Not everything said needs to be shared, and not every thought needs to be public.
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