

I'm just gonna warn you now — while one day I might pen something that addresses the signs of being a total freak in the bedroom, this piece right here isn't something that I would categorize as being a good thing. Nah, what we're gonna tackle here is what happens when you're someone who is so controlling in virtually every aspect of your life, you don't even know how to ease up, even if it's just a little bit, when it comes to sex. And because of that, whether you realize it or not, it's costing you what could be so much more of a satisfying experience.
The fascinating thing about control freaks is oftentimes they are so caught up in what they think everyone else should be doing better that they don't even see where they are falling short. So, if you're curious, I'll share seven signs that wanting to run the show is causing your sex life to be…let's go with lackluster (just ask your partner).
1. Your Dirty Talk Sounds More Like a Drill Sergeant
How many of y'all remember the movieStrictly Business (Halle Berry, Tommy Davidson, Samuel L. Jackson)? Anyway, whenever I think about vocally bossy women in bed, I think about a scene in it where Wayman (Joseph C. Phillips) was having sex with his girlfriend, Diedre (Anne-Marie Johnson) and she was even annoying me with all of her "up, down", "right, left" — geez…shuuuuuuut uuuuuuup. The thing about being a true master at dirty talk is your words should be conveyed in such a way that it turns both you and your partner on to hear them. Matter of fact, I'll raise that point and say that it should also evoke your partner to want to actually engage in the sexy banter with you.
Listen, I don't know a man (short of fem-dom dynamics which is another article for another time) who wants to feel like he's in some sort of boot camp with his partner — shoot, whether it's in the bedroom or outside of it. So, if that's the way you've been going about doing things, you might want to switch that ish up a bit. I'll bet my next paycheck that you'll get far better results if/when you do.
2. There Is No Compromising. At All.
Even if you're not physically flexible, you should be all about being sexually flexible. What I mean by that is, while your body might not allow you to be a sexual contortionist of sorts (sometimes guys will really be trying to act like we're a slinky with no nerve endings…geez), if you want to be thought of as a great lover, that requires being someone who is open to compromise. I know some folks who hate to kiss (check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?"), but if you've got a partner who is the exact opposite, kiss sometimes. I definitely know some women who hate giving head (check out "Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?") yet my take on that always is, "If you don't want to give or receive and your partner is fine with that, cool but if you want to receive and you never give, somebody is trippin' and it ain't him." That said, there are workarounds that can make the experience more pleasant for you (check out "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious"). Maybe you prefer sex in the morning while he does late at night. Sleep naked and let things happen naturally, whether that's at midnight or 3 a.m.
The point here is sex is best when both partners are willing to do some "bending" in order to make each other happy. If you read all of this and you heard the sound effect of "hmph" come out of your mouth right after rolling your eyes at the monitor, while you might not be a total control freak in the bedroom, you've definitely got some strong tendencies, chile.
3. You Are a Constant Sexual Critic
Something that I find to be really interesting about hypercritical-of-others people is they tend to be overly sensitive when it comes to being on the receiving end of critiques. Prime example — some of the main women who will talk about how small a man's member is (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go" and "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)") will damn near melt into the floor if that same man says something about their stretch marks or the size of their butt. Mature people know that life doesn't work in the way where you can "dish" all day long while not being able to "take" anything at all.
Besides, when you are naked and alone with someone, it really doesn't get too much more vulnerable than that. This means that if there is any place where both of you should feel comfortable and safe as it relates to your bodies and performance, then should be it.
Am I saying that if you're not getting your needs met that you should — no pun intended — just lie down and take it? No. What I am saying, though, is whatever "constructive criticism" that you may have, make sure that 1) it is indeed constructive and 2) you deliver it in the way that you would want to receive it. Otherwise, you may discover that your partner either wants to end things (so that he can find someone who he feels more valued by) or that he will start talking to you the way that you speak to them — and you just might not like what you hear.
4. You’re Super Sexually Selfish
OK, so raise your hand if you remember the throwback R&B jam by Mýa featuring Dru Hill entitled "It's All About Me". Have you ever really just sat and processed the lyrics before? Hun-nay:
Tonight it's 'bout me, me, me, me, me
Forget about you, you, you, you , you
So, what you gonna do, do, do, do, do?
Are you gonna get it up? Get it up?
Good sex is all about reciprocity and sexually selfish people couldn't care less about this being the truth. Just recently, I was talking to a wife-friend of mine about the fact that her husband keeps thinking that since he brings a "big thang" to the bedroom that he's really doing something. As a direct result, they are now going on a few years of being virtually sexless because she feels like sex has become more of a service than a mutually-enjoyable experience.
You know what, though? I've had some men vent to me about similar issues — that sex only happens when they initiate and "the little things that they like" seem to only transpire on special occasions and/or when their partner is trying to get something out of them (one day, we need to discuss what sexual manipulation looks like too). When sex is approached from this angle, not only is it a sign of being super self-consumed but it's also a form of control — you've told yourself that you will use sex as a way to get things, that sex is transactional. Romanticize it however you want, but that's pretty damn problematic. Real talk.
5. You’re Unwilling to Try New Things
If I've said it once, I've said it a billion times before. What's "it"? The fact that one of the leading causes for why long-term relationships end is the fact that something that isn't discussed nearly enough — boredom. And please don't think that this doesn't apply to the bedroom too. While one cause of sexual dissatisfaction can be not getting your needs met, another can be getting so comfortable with how things have been happening that you fall into a predictable routine; one that consists of refusing to switch things up.
If you've never made a sex video, why is that? If it's been forever since you and your partner have checked things off of your sex bucket list, what is the problem? If you've never gone sex shopping together before (check out "I've Got 12 Random Sex Items You'll Wish You Knew About Sooner"), there's no time like the present. Life is all about trying new things because that's how you grow. If you'd rather be stubborn and only do what you've been doing for years on end, that means you're trying to hinder progress. There's nothing good, smart, or impressive about that.
6. You Are “Sexually Moody”
Earlier this year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, "Are You Someone Who Suffers From 'Sexual Mood Swings'?". Another way that I refer to this is "false advertising" and whew, I can't tell you how often I deal with this in counseling sessions. What is false advertising all about? These are the kinds of people who give the impression that they are sexually one way (especially while dating) and then, out of nowhere, completely switch it up. Case in point — a husband once told me that he actually was the one who wanted to wait during the dating season of his relationship with his wife, just to make sure they were on solid footing. She kept persisting and so they eventually had sex. Great sex. Consistent sex. Sexy sex. All of the time. Then, about a year into their marriage, she started trying to deflect from copulation, telling him that sex is all he thinks about and she's not in the mood. What in the world?
After having a few sessions with them, the conclusion I've come to is sex was being somewhat manipulated when they were dating in order for her to get the ring. Now that she has it, she's gotten comfortable not being the kind of sexually voracious woman that she once was. And because of this, she has her husband on quite a roller coaster ride as he tries to figure out just what their sex life looks like — now that he's "locked-in."
And just how can moodiness be a form of control? Simple. When you're all over the place and no one can figure you out, it puts them on eggshells which makes them so uncomfortable that they are constantly trying to handle you with kid gloves — and yes, there is something that is pretty manipulative and also unfair about that. Stability is a beautiful thing. In the bedroom, it's sexy AF. Literally.
7. You’re an Egomaniac
Ugh. Pardon the pun but cocky people in the bedroom are the absolute worst. They tend to think they are better than their partner. They assume that because something might've worked with someone else that it will work with who they are currently sleeping with. Their partner might express their wants and needs yet they will dismiss both because they think that the honor of being with them should trump all else. They tend to assume that they are bomb at all avenues of sex even though their partners may feel otherwise. They have a sense of entitlement (you should give me whatever I want, just because I said so). I could go on and on. And here's the thing — when someone brings all of that arrogant energy into the bedroom, they can't help but want to control everything because they feel like they should. Again, the worst.
Having a sense of sexual confidence is one thing. It's beautiful and it's needed. But that "I am the prize" mentality that is SO BIG that you don't treat the moment you are sharing with your partner as being something special and while letting them know that they too have value is something that is keeping you from experiencing better sensations than what your ego may be currently granting you.
A freak in the bedroom? I am all for it. A control freak? That's a hard pass. Because if you feel like it's all about you and your needs…what do you need me for? There are other options…for that.
Featured image by Giphy
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak