Author Jennifer K. Dean once said, “A promise is only as good as the person who makes it. The character of the promiser is what gives the promise its value." And boy, when it comes to the sanctity — yes, sanctity — of marriage, if there is one thing that I personally don’t think is said enough to singles and engaged folks alike, it’s “Marry someone who has a profound sense of integrity when it comes to the promises that they make.”
I say that because wedding vows aren’t just something to say; wedding vows are literally a solemn promise, a personal commitment, and an earnest declaration. And if you select someone who chooses to “feel their way” in and out of their promises, commitment, and declarations, one way or another, you are going to be miserable and your marriage is going to be unstable, at best because yes, a promise is only as valuable as the person’s character who makes it to begin with.
However, beyond a married couple’s wedding day vows, I do recommend that husbands and wives make other ones throughout the course of their relationship too. Why? Well, it’s mainly because of another quote that I am particularly fond of: "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as a result of being married to you." A writer by the name of Richard Needham said that. Because time does evolve and transform individuals, making annual (other) promises to your spouse can help to further solidify your commitment to them in some very specific, significant, and necessary ways.
And what better time to make these types of recommitments than on New Year’s Eve when you’re right on the brink of a brand-spanking new calendar year? So, if you are married and you would like to go into another year with even more clarity and vigor as it relates to your union, exchanging these seven following promises with your partner, before the ball drops, is a very special (and helpful) way to do it.
1. “I will release all of the things that I already said I’ve forgiven you for.”
GiphyIt really is pretty amazing that the number of people who divorce rather than keep their vows still hovers around 50 percent. And although infidelity and abuse are sometimes the cause, they aren’t even close to being the top reasons. What seems to reign supreme these days? A lack of real commitment and also poor communication — and when you really stop to think about it, forgiveness falls into both of these dynamics. The reason why I say that is because, on the commitment tip, it is Ruth Graham Bell who once said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers” and she was married to evangelist Billy Graham for over 60 years.
Yes, when you commit to a relationship, a part of what you are signing up for is accepting that your partner is not perfect and therefore, will need forgiveness and that YOU ARE NOT PERFECT and so, you will need forgiveness as well.
As far as poor communication goes, who can connect well with someone when they are holding a grudge? Not only does it create a wall between you and your spouse, but unforgivingness can stress you out, give you depression-related symptoms, make it harder to conceive a child, suppress your immunity, and even give you heart problems. So, whatever it is that you told your partner over the past 12 months that you’ve forgiven them for, make sure you didn’t lie to them and yourself by LETTING THAT ISH GO…for the sake of your relationship and your overall health and well-being as you move forward into a new year.
2. “I will check in more often to see if your relational needs and/or wants have changed.”
GiphyI have shared on more than one occasion that one of my favorite quotes (especially as it relates to marriage) is by playwright Lillian Hellman: “People change and forget to tell each other.” And honestly, that right there is why I think that many couples will say “We grew apart” when they try to explain to others why their marriage came to an end.
Listen, if you think that you are going to marry someone who is going to remain the same for the rest of their lives, you are living in a truly delusional and alternate universe; the same thing goes if they are thinking that about you. So, you know what this means, right?
First, you’ve got to accept that a part of what comes with loving someone is being willing to be flexible and adaptable. Secondly, you’ve also got to be willing to accept what your spouse once needed and wanted from the relationship and you may have shifted — and the only way you will know that is by talking to them about it.
My recommendation? Hold “What’s changed?” meetings once a season (four times a year) to see if something is different when it comes to each other’s needs, expectations, and goals. The more the two of you talk these types of things out, the easier it is to come up with a plan that helps the two of you to “fuel each other”…so that you are able to grow together — instead of apart.
3. “I will make our sex life (more of) a priority.”
GiphyA huge part of the reason why I’ve written content for the platform like, “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important,” “8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation,” “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex,” “12 Married Couples Share Keys For Taking Sexual Intimacy To Another Level” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day” is because, so long as you and your beloved are physically capable, sex should always be treated as a staple in a marital relationship — and a staple is something that forms something else.
Scripture says that sex should never be withheld from your spouse (I Corinthians 7:5), one of the things that makes a marriage different from every other relationship you have is sex and there are far too many holistic benefits that come with having sex for it to not be prioritized in your marriage.
You know, there is a quote that serves as a signature in one of my email accounts that author Nick Chellsen came up with; it says, “Boundaries are what you say 'no' to. Priorities are what you say 'yes' to” — and when it comes to sexual intimacy, for every time that you put other people, social media, and whatever else before you and your partner spending true quality time together, you are saying that they aren’t a priority — and that never can end well.
Research says that healthy marriages have sex about once a week. If that is not the case in your household, it’s time to figure out why (even if you need a marriage counselor or sex therapist to help you out).
I recently watched a movie where a wife kept avoiding sex with her husband; then when he decided to leave, she claimed that he was abandoning the relationship. Sis, hate to break it to you but you did first by signing up for a relationship that includes sex and then reneging. And yes, y’all, if that felt like an “ouch” — please take it to heart.
4. “I will shift the people, places, things and ideas that hinder our bond.”
GiphyOne thing that really irritates me about social media (and there are oh so many things to choose from) is watching married people talk to bitter and/or completely clueless individuals about their relationship — or shoot, life, in general. Now mind you, I didn’t say that it bothers me when married people talk to single folks (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships” and “Yes. Married Folks Need Single Friends (Male And Female).”). I mean, I’m single, I’ve been working with married couples for two decades at this point and just yesterday, a wife of almost 20 years told me that I am the best counselor that she and her husband have ever had (and they’ve had several).
No, what I mean is you need to listen to folks who respect marriage, are supporters of your marriage, and will do things that will add to and not subtract from your union. That said, I don’t care if it’s a family member (person), a church (place), a habit (thing), or some form of media (that plant seeds of ideas into your mind) — if you are spending time in an environment that makes it harder rather than easier to be married, it’s time to shift out of that space.
And sis, if your husband feels this way about certain people, places, things, or ideas, you need to listen to where he is coming from.
Being your provider and protector isn’t just about the monetary and the physical. If he discerns that there is stuff around that is causing the two of you to struggle, unnecessarily so, he very well may have a point.
5. “I will become (even more) solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented.”
GiphyIt might be hard to hear but if you’re someone who finds yourself talking about what’s wrong in your marriage instead of what steps should be taken in order to make things right, you definitely need to consider making this particular promise to your partner because being a problems-oriented type of person benefits absolutely no one. And what does it look like to be a problem-oriented individual?
Negative people are problem-oriented individuals. Naggers (which is also something that Scripture frowns upon — Proverbs 21:9) are problem-oriented individuals. Folks who compare their relationship to others are problems-oriented people (always remember that you ain’t them). People who dwell more on feelings than truth, facts, and logic (because feelings can be fickle) tend to be problem-oriented individuals. Please hear me when I say that perfectionists are usually problem-oriented individuals (nothing and no one on this earth is perfect).
Close-minded folks who don’t know how to compromise are problem-oriented individuals. Impatient people are problem-oriented individuals. Hypercritical folks are problem-oriented individuals. Folks who rarely encourage or celebrate the “small wins” in life are typically problem-oriented individuals (because they are never truly satisfied). Folks who would rather be right than do what is right for the ultimate betterment of their relationship are problem-oriented people.
Marriage is an ultimate collaboration which means that if you want to be solution-oriented — you need to listen to your spouse; you need to be flexible in your approach to things; you need to take on a positive attitude; you need to be (more) patient; you need ask questions to gain a better understanding of where your partner is coming from; you need to think about what helps the future and not just what feels good in the present, and you need to say and do things that cultivate peace and harmony instead of stress and drama.
Y’all, a husband and wife who decide, daily, that they are a team and so, they are going to work together to do what is better for the team — they are rarely defeated. That’s just the plain ole’ truth.
6. “I will be better at taking accountability.”
GiphyAsk any engaged couple who comes to me for counsel and they will tell you that one of the things that I will say, on repeat, is if you don’t want to be held accountable, on some level, each and every day of your life, DO NOT GET MARRIED. I say that because one of the main purposes of marriage is to help two people to grow and mature and that requires allowing your partner to hold a “mirror” up and show you some things that you may not like about yourself or may be uncomfortable to address.
Hmph. Let me tell it, that is actually an “unsung” reason why so many people call it quits: they don’t like what they see in their “marriage mirror” and so they leave in hopes of finding someone who will praise them more than challenge them. SMDH.
Listen, if everything that I just said stepped on your toes, this is definitely a promise that you need to make to your spouse before the new year because you should be able to trust your spouse enough for them to encourage you to act more responsibly in various areas of your life. Again, that is a part of what they are there for. Very much so.
7. “I will like you more, respect you better and choose you daily.”
GiphySomething that many of my clients will tell you (and I also think I’ve said in articles before) is when couples tell me that they’re not (currently) “in love,” I’m not nearly as concerned as when they tell me that they don’t LIKE each other anymore. My usual response: love, as far as the feeling of it goes, has ebbs and flows; however, if you two still like each other, we can get back to love. And yes, that is a hill that I will forever-and-a-day die on. I mean, friends like each other, right? Is your husband your friend?
Because, when you really do adore someone, appreciate someone, enjoy someone — you tend to find enough things about them that will make you want to stick out the challenging ones about them and/or the trying season that the two of you may be going through. So yes, over the next year, purpose in your mind to find more things to LIKE about your spouse; you’ll be amazed at how helpful that one tip can be.
Respect? When you respect someone, you esteem them. When you respect someone, you honor their boundaries. When you respect someone, you take their insights into serious consideration. When you respect someone, you present them in the best light to other people. When you respect someone, you speak to them with kindness and consideration. When you respect someone, you validate their feelings, give them space when they need it, and affirm them just because. That said, do you respect your husband? Better yet, ask him if he feels respected by you (especially since it’s a biblical instruction — Ephesians 5:33).
And finally, love is a choice. Children? They only go by what they feel. Mature people? They get that sometimes what you feel like isn’t what’s most important — what you choose is. And I promise you, waking up every day, looking your spouse in the eye, and declaring, “Today, again, I CHOOSE YOU” — can give you the “oomph” that you need to get through whatever the day brings because you are saying, both to them and yourself, that loving you is a conscious decision and I’m willing to say and do things that support that choice.
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One of my favorite lines from the movie The Fault in Our Stars is when one of the characters says, “Oftentimes, people don’t understand the promises that they make when they made them.” Yeah, don’t get me started on why that’s a huge reason why every engaged couple should get premarital counseling.
Anyway, it’s my sincere hope that I broke down these seven promises well enough that you and your husband can toast to these words — so that you can go into the new year, better than ever, as far as your vow-based bond is concerned.
Salute to the next season of your marriage. You’ve made it this far. You deserve it.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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