It's been five years but I can still remember the moment my depression seemed to reach a fever pitch so clearly. At the time, my life wasn't going the way I planned. I had just graduated from college and thought I was going to get an amazing job that paid all of my bills. I thought I was going to conquer the world. Instead, I was struggling to support myself by working an unpaid internship during the day and a grubby diner job at night.
It wasn't the glamorous life I had imagined by far.
To top it off, I wasn't getting along with my boyfriend -- the one person who was supposed to know and understand me the most.
The day the moment happened started off relatively normal. I went to work as usual and then caught up with my boyfriend at the time for date night. My boyfriend and I never seemed to be on the same page, but at that time, we were having a really amazing date. The drinks were flowing and the ambiance was amazing. As the sun began to go down, so did my mood. Out of the blue, I became irate. I spent the next few days in a deep depression. I could barely find the energy to get out of bed. Living did not seem worth it and every day I begged for God to end my pain.
My foggy state and unstable emotional behavior were faint reminders of my past. A variety of mental health issues run in my family, including bipolar disorder, depression, ADHD – pretty much anything you can name. My memories of living with and around coping family members had made me very aware of the symptoms and the impact that mental health can have on your life. To think I was going through the same thing was an incredibly scary truth to face and I didn't want to do it alone.
Naturally, I gave my boyfriend a call, hoping he would understand and forgive me for our failed date night days prior. I believed that that was how love was supposed to work. The tears poured from my eyes. All I can recall saying is, “This isn't normal. I think something is wrong with me."
Insert long awkward silence here.
He proceeded to call me crazy. That moment put my thoughts in a complete spiral. I thought lovers were supposed to support you, ask questions, and lead you in the right direction, but he made me feel utterly humiliated for being so open and honest.
Needless to say, he is now my ex-boyfriend.
I learned so much from that experience. It was the beginning of a series of ups and downs in my relationships, particularly pertaining to my mental health issues. The most important lesson that I've learned over the years is that coping with depression is difficult, but it shouldn't keep you from having a fulfilling love life. Coping with depression is difficult, but it shouldn't keep you from having a fulfilling love life.
Below are my tips for dating while you are going through your mental health journey:
Be open and honest about your mental health journey.
At first, it was hard to be open. I was in a constant identity crisis because I was hiding the “bad" part of me. Once you build trust in the relationship, it is important to let your significant other know where you stand in your journey. Leaving them in the dark will cause misunderstandings but opening up will allow for him or her to support you.
Not everyone you date will understand and support your journey.
While dating my ex-boyfriend, he did not understand how I could go from cheerful to depressed so quickly. I tried to explain to him that some days I will cry for no reason and that is okay. It is part of my depression cycle. My constant tears and depressive episodes would lead to criticism and further pain incited by him. If the person is really for you, he or she will walk with you in your journey, not against you.
Maintain your strong support circle before, during, and after relationships.
When you first start a relationship you can become so completely immersed with your significant other that other relationships (namely friendships) fall by the wayside. My advice is to maintain your strong support circle in spite of that tendency. I let a lot of my independence go so when the ex and I broke up, I felt completely isolated and alone. If you were going to therapy before you were dating, don't stop. If you were seeing your friends twice a week, don't stop. If you have one day a week where you have designated alone time to yourself, don't stop. These are things that will keep you mentally balanced and keep you from feeling completely dependent upon your partner for support.
Develop key phrases that let your significant other know how you are feeling.
Key phrases are a great way to help keep your partner from unintentionally pushing buttons. I tell my current boyfriend that, “Today is not the day". With this phrase, he knows that I am either feeling depressed, having anxiety, or dealing with something else. Whatever is the case, he understands that today is not the day to upset me or initiate conversations that might be upsetting, etc.
Don't let your depression define the way people love you.
Stephen Chobsky once said, “We accept the love we think we deserve." Sometimes we think we should take what we can get, when we are going through trying times. Always remember that no matter what you may be going through, you are a beautiful person who deserves genuine, unconditional love. Never settle for less than what you deserve.
[Tweet "We accept the love we think we deserve."]
Always, love yourself first.
The way you feel about yourself reflects in your relationship. If you are insecure about yourself, it will affect your relationship. If you are feeling down, take time to regroup and remind yourself of the queen you are. Remember, if you don't truly love yourself no one will, nor should you expect them to.
After a lot of heartache and lessons learned, I am thrilled to say I am in a loving relationship with a man who may not always understand what it is I'm going through but is willing to stand by me during my mental health journey and love me through my bad days just as easily as he loves me on my good days.
[Tweet "He loves me through my bad days as easily as he loves me on my good days"]
Love is a beautiful feeling. Don't let your struggle with depression stop you from finding the love you deserve. Love yourself and love will find you.
Related Post: My Truth: Loving A Man With A Mental Illness
Has your mental health ever held you back in love? What are some things you've learned about dating through depression or dealing with depression while in a relationship? Share with us below.
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Tiffany is the Founder of Blaque & Blue. An online forum that provides resources and support to women of color on their mental health journey. As a self care and mental health blogger, she tells her story in hopes of empowering women of color to speak openly about mental health in their communities. She loves to travel and is an avid supporter of all things #BlackGirlMagic.
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert