Growing up, my mother was no nonsense, and all about raising my sister and I to be exceptional women.
I was always expected to be above standard, even with whatever chaos that surrounded me at any given time. It was no secret that she loved us more than anything in this world and as I got older, my mother suddenly shifted to a friend; someone I could call and she was always there. The loyalty was unmatched. She was my best friend.
Well, unfortunately, months ago, things made a turn for the worse and my mom unexpectedly transitioned. She wasn't sick, she had no illnesses. She was mobile and energetic in her last days even; the queen she had always been.
And that, my friends, was the dagger.
Now, don't get me wrong, a parent's death is never easy. But this one, was definitely hard to swallow. And honestly it still is. It never gets easier to process.
But it does get better.
Here's an honest and expressive list to explain what I've learned through it all.
You Won’t Feel Like You Can Relate to Anyone Anymore
This may come across as a bit selfish, but after an unexpected death—especially one of a parent—you become a shell of yourself. And you start to subconsciously not want to deal with anyone. Unless they've been through it, no one understands how you feel, so you sort of file everyone in a category as just someone being kind during your current hardship. And in a weird, completely unselfish way, you do not want them to. You even start to think of ways that you can get "thank you, I really appreciate it" stamped for automatic reply.
But the fact is, everyone feels sad for you and they all want to support you. But because the situation isn't exclusive to them as it is you, you find yourself uncomfortable with the comfort and feeling alone. I remember chatting with my sister and telling her:
"The hardest part of this whole ordeal, is that you've been ripped apart, and you can't breathe, and your whole world is falling apart. And to everyone around you, it's just another day."
Particularly, I remember receiving group chat messages of the usual memes or videos we'd often share and looking on social media and seeing my entire feed being completely normal.
And it's hard. Because to you, nothing is normal anymore.
People Will Disappoint You
Getty Images
Listen, yall: when my mom died, the community came out of the woodwork. And I mean that in the most literal form. We had people come from all over the country, some asking how they can contribute to anything, food was coming from every corner of the city, and flowers and cards and messages and calls and WHEW.
You never know how much you are loved and valued until this moment. I even had friends I hadn't seen since high school to come to my mother's funeral service. All the love is incredible, and it got me through for sure.
But for a very few, you will be disappointed, and those relationships will subconsciously become re-evaluated. I had friends and family who were there for me and checked on me everyday, no matter how much I didn't want to talk.
But I also had friends and family that I would have been that supportive person for, that I never heard from—some even to this day. My mother had 7 brothers and sisters, only one came to her funeral. Family drama will come to the surface that people cling to. Jobs will wonder when you're coming back because you just have to get those emails out. And companies will apologize for the death, but still want their money no matter what kind of debt you've just taken on or had to go into.
Friends will become question marks, family will become strangers, and situations become accentuated. But in a time where you need all the support, you have to not let that disrupt your energy. You are not obligated to comfort anyone, no matter how strong you are. And you do not have to take on anything that doesn't help you heal.
All you can do is focus on the people who supported and loved on you. Let any disappointment be background noise.
Yet, The Support You Receive Will Be A Direct Reflection Of You And Your Parent
In life, you know that people love you. But in death, you see that people love you. My goodness guys, my mom was really loved. My circle from home and college and my adult life were unbelievably encouraging and it is amazing to see and feel. I learned, and cannot stress enough, how important it is to let people be there for you and be open to whatever support that they offer. We come from a small town so the whole town immediately thought of my sister and I and made sure to step in to protect us. And when I sat down to think about the bare component as to why that is, I discovered it's all a direct reflection of who my mother was to them and who my sister and I are to people who have been along our life's journey.
You Will Unintentionally Become Depressed in Secret
Unsplash
They say the following weeks after the funeral is the hardest part—and that couldn't be more true. The dust has settled, you're buried with your parent's financials and expenses and belongings and you're closing out affairs and you're left with your own thoughts, all while simultaneously having to discuss the death over and over again in order to do so. You have to mention the death—by force—way too often and you're met with "aww I'm sorry to hear that" at every turn.
And as a cherry on top, you have to carry on with life: go to work, be a good spouse and maintain the lifestyle you've created. It's overwhelming for the average psyche and you will find yourself an emotional wreck. Everyone will tell you they are here for you and if you need anything to call, but it falls on deaf ears and before you know it, you find yourself depressed.
Sure you'll find yourself laughing again and smiling but it's all forged. People you see day-to-day will convince themselves you're back to your old self, and you've probably tricked yourself into thinking that you are too.
You're not.
There will be good days and there will be bad days—and eventually the good days will add up. But suffering, failure, loneliness, sorrow, discouragement will all become a part of the journey. Taking care of your mental health is the priority and you will have to figure out how to navigate its management (which I am still trying to do).
Time Is the ONLY Healer
When your parent dies, you become a part of a situation where so many just hope to say the right things. And most will. You'll receive so many gifts and beautiful flowers and many many people will stay in contact constantly. But in the end, none of that will help you. On the upswing, you will find yourself having more meaningful conversations and looking towards your future on a clearer path. But unfortunately, none of that will help you either.
Listen.
The only way you will be able to move forward is with time. All the niceties are great. All the hugs are comforting. All the calls will strengthen you. But time, and only time, will be your healer.
Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She travels throughout the midwest as a Market Director for some of the top competitive events in the country. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
Featured image by Getty Images
- What It's Like To Lose A Parent At A Young Age ›
- 9 things no one tells you about losing weight - CNN ›
- What You Learn After Losing A Parent At A Young Age ›
- What goes through my mind as I grieve the loss of my mom - Motherly ›
- No One Tells You This by Glynnis MacNicol ›
- What Nobody Tells You About Losing A Parent - sheblogs ›
- What No One Tells You About Losing Your Father | Thought Catalog ›
- No One Tells You This About Loss, So I Will | HuffPost Life ›
- 10 Things Nobody Tells You About Losing a Parent | Beyond ›
- 7 Things No One Tells You About Losing A Parent As A Child ›
RELATED
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak