Okay, so you’ll (probably) never guess what prompted me to even go down this particular rabbit hole. I was actually talking to an older married couple about the misconception so many people have when it comes to how sexually active seniors are — not just when it comes to intercourse but oral stimulation as well. In fact, there are studies that reveal almost 40 percent of people between the ages of 62 and 90 actually engage in oral sex on a fairly consistent basis. So, if you’re out here thinking that sex stops once your head is full of gray hair…think again, chile.
Anyway, what we were specifically talking about was how much sex has gotten better for them over the years. It’s actually what the wife said that tripped me out: “It’s taken some time, but I’ve finally gotten him trained to do it, just how I like it.” When I asked her what “it” was, oral sex is exactly what she was referring to.
And that got me to thinking about other people who have told me that a mouth being on their genitalia does not automatically make a good oral sex experience. And that inspired me to pull out my interviewing skills to see who would be willing to give me the real deal when it comes to what semi-pisses them off when it comes to being on the receiving end of oral sex — I mean, being that reportedly, well over 80 percent of us do engage in it.
And lawd, you’d be amazed what people will share when they know that their first name (middle names only in my interviews) won’t be revealed. So, if you’re curious about what both men and women wished would happen less in the oral department, five men and five women just did you a major solid.
GiphyLionel. 37.
“Please don’t give me head just because I want it because I can always tell when that is the case. ‘Obligatory head’ is the worst because it feels like she’s timing herself to see how long is long enough before it can finally be over. On the other hand, a woman who loves to give head is passionate and enthusiastic about it — and that gets me off more than anything. If it seems like a chore to you, I’ll pass.”
Irsula. 29.
“Why do men think that so long as their head is down there that they’re actually doing something spectacular? UGH."
"The only good head that I’ve received came from a guy who asked me how I liked it instead of assuming that he knew what he was doing. Kudos to him and a proper middle finger to everyone else. Now that I think about it, that’s my real pet peeve: thinking that one-size-fits-all when it comes to sex, period. N-gga, you better communicate!”
GiphyGerald. 40.
“I’ll put it to you this way— how would y’all feel if the moment after we finished going down on you, we got up, ran to the bathroom, and spit into the sink? Some of y’all can be a real trip when it comes to your ‘no swallow’ rule because if you think that it doesn’t take some effort to take in all of your juices too, there’s a bit of denial going on. I’m not saying it’s a ‘must,’ but some consideration would be nice.”
Shellie here: Gerald, I got you. Ladies, check out “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm” and “How To Improve The Taste Of Sperm” when you get a chance.
Kaiden. 25.
“I call them ‘pressure washers.’ Some guys think that going down on a woman is like pressure washing a damn house. I wonder how many of them know that we have way more nerve endings in our clit than they will never have in their penis. So lawd, can they just go easy on ‘her?’ We’re not lap dogs…can you tell that I’ve got some oral sex PTSD?”
GiphyQuell. 31.
“Why do balls get rejected so much? Is it just me? I mean, I get the hesitation if your man didn’t just hop out of the shower or there’s no grooming going on, but besides that, I promise I don’t get it. I don’t know if you watched Superhead’s videos or not back in the day, but the reason why she got so much admiration on the head tip is because she never left the balls out. Just something to think about.”
Eden. 47.
“I’m not new to this sex game at all, and I think the biggest issue, for men and women, is folks get lazy when it comes to oral sex. The last thing that you should do is take the ‘If ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ approach. What I’m saying is just like no one wants to be in missionary or doggy style all of the time, even if it gives them an orgasm, the same thing applies to oral sex. Get creative. 69 it. Get on your sides.
"Bring some whipped cream or honey in. Don’t just use your mouth — that’s what fingers and sex toys are for. My favorite oral sex experiences happened when I was pleasantly surprised by something that I didn’t expect. Catch me off guard, in a good way. I’m gonna love that every time!”
Shellie here: I got y’all on the condiments thing. Check out “12 ‘Sex Condiments’ That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”.
GiphyMalcolm. 24.
“Can y’all put your lips over your teeth? Sometimes I’ve turned down head because it’s so bad, and that’s because it’s so painful. Teeth grating on us is like getting a paper cut, and who the hell wants that? Also, using your hands to try and deflect from actually giving head? We can see that trick a mile away. Do it or…don’t.”
Barra. 39.
“Some guys watch too much porn, and it shows. All of that spitting can be annoying and unnecessary. Never make us so wet that we don’t even feel like you’re down there. Actually, leave porn out of the oral sex experience altogether unless a woman asks for it. When it comes to oral sex, usually, they don’t know how to please a woman — they just do whatever they think a man wants to see.”
GiphyIvan. 49.
“Self-conscious head is the worst. Trying to look pretty. Caring about how you sound doing it. Wondering if I’m looking at you. Not wanting me to grab your hair. This ain’t no fashion show. If we’re in this thang, WE’RE IN THIS THANG. Put overthinking to the side, and let’s do this!”
Shellie here: A lot of us actually like getting our hair pulled. Don’t believe me? Check out “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex” too.
Keshet. 34.
“Nothing bothers me more than a man who assumes that we’re all just alike. Just because something worked great for some other woman, that doesn’t mean it will impress me. I don’t like it when guys ONLY focus on the clitoris, either. A man who devours me is gonna be the one who sees a whole ‘nother side of me, sis.”
____
There you have it: 10 people who were willing to share what drives them up the wall (and not in a good way) when it comes to good ole’ fellatio and cunnilingus. And aside from it being a hopefully entertaining read, if you can relate to any of these pet peeves…now you can just shoot your partner this article as an “Ain’t this a trip?” FYI and let the people in the piece do the heavy lifting for you. LOL.
No worries, sis. I got you.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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