

No one wants to hear that dreaded phrase, “We have to terminate your employment,” especially when you’ve got bills to pay and things to do. (And that cliche “You’re fired,” seems to be something that only happens on TV. Even as a manager, I’ve never yelled “You’re fired,” when letting someone go, but I digress.) It can seem like one of the worst days of your life to be let go from your job, but you know, the first time I heard that “terminate” phrase, I was relieved.
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Life Lessons After Getting Fired
It was at a job I hated. My manager at the time was toxic, would gaslight me, and disregard my concerns about work-related issues (of which I was actually asked my professional opinion), and I was given duties that weren’t on the original job description. The job turned out to be a horrible catfish that I really wanted out of from day two. My mom didn’t raise a quitter, and at the time, I didn’t feel empowered to just leave. I cried. Stuck it out. Almost lost my mind. Then that termination day came. While I had a pretty decent salary and several financial obligations, I still felt like I was given a huge favor.
Sometimes losing a job can teach valuable lessons about self-worth and boundaries that no other experience can really teach. Here are a few:
1. It's okay to set boundaries and stick to them. As a matter of fact, it's essential.
When I was offered the position, I was told I’d be able to use my previous experience in the role and that I’d have autonomy. Well, I found out, through observation as to how my manager behaved the first week, that this wasn’t the case. If I would have nipped things in the bud from the beginning, I would have at least gotten a boost to my confidence and might have been able to avoid a terrible snowball of toxicity down the road.
Some employers need a reminder as to what work was actually contracted, what you were promised in the role, and the various legally binding insights that were shared as part of the job offer process. And some managers will also try you until you kindly and professionally remind them of what you were hired to do, based on the job description and offer letter you signed (which is indeed legally binding.) Again, set those boundaries early through open communication and stern, but respectful language when you see things going left.
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2. Standing up for yourself doesn't make you 'difficult.' It empowers you.
I could liken the manager I had at this particular job to a schoolyard bully, and my mother always taught me, “A bully will always mess with you if you do not stand up for yourself. You must stand up for yourself.” I can remember the one bully I had, in all my school years, who thought they’d try to threaten to beat me down in front of the whole school during lunch period one day. Well, let’s just say she learned the hard way that I’m not one to bully. Good thing she chose a public place. I defended myself, and not only did she never bully me again, but no one ever bothered me, either.
The same can be said about a manager or supervisor in the workplace who just seems to always be riding you–always down your throat about something or being super-unprofessional in the manner in which they talk to or relate with you in the workplace.
After being let go from the company, I reminisced on that day in school, as that confident young girl I was, and thought to myself, ‘Janell, you should have spoken up for yourself and quit.’
You can professionally approach addressing toxic behaviors in the workplace, and be sure to have them on record, by at least reporting them to human resources or other parties who are responsible for HR-related issues. Even if you don’t feel like it will do any good, at least it’s on record, especially if, like me, you’re fired. You might also need these insights on record for getting unemployment benefits, suing the company for wrongful termination, or disputing when the company fights against your receiving any benefits.
3. Never connect your value as a human being to insights (or opinions) about your job performance or experience.
Oftentimes, the manager I had during this awful firing experience, would be very disrespectful and mean, both in manner, voice tone, and words. Sometimes I found myself, as a result, feeling less-than, inadequate, and beat down by the end of a workweek. I came to the position with great references, amazing industry experience, and a great attitude, yet I’d allowed another human being to make me feel low and unworthy as a person. (That’s called abuse, by the way, something of which I’d been a victim in personal relationships both as a child and an adult. I have always had to cope with the healing from those experiences, but had never been victim to it in the workplace at the level of this particular job.)
I had to remind myself that it was the job (well, the manager really) not me. Also, even if I was not doing a great job, that does not mean I’m not a great person. Our value, as human beings who deserve love, respect, and dignity, does not diminish because of issues at a company.
(And trust me, I did the best I could, as a high-achieving leader, considering the very unorganized, toxic environment I’d been working in.)
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4. It's okay to walk away almost immediately when you feel unsafe, unhappy or know that the job simply is not a good fit for you.
It can seem daunting to quit anything, especially, if, like me, you were raised to just stick things out, ‘put on your grown-woman panties’ and overcome. Well, not every situation is worth the trouble, and oftentimes, our early fears or insecurities about a job are proven valid and problematic in the end. As an experienced professional, I now know that it’s better for me to walk away as soon as I see major red flags. That firing experience gave me the confidence to not only quit a job when I knew it was just not a good look for my long-term success and wellness but to feel totally secure and unapologetic in doing so.
I’m not saying you should just give up as soon as someone on your job tap-dances on your nerves a bit too hard, or when a job seems like it’s challenging you a bit too much. What I am saying is that you shouldn’t stay in any environment where you consistently feel unsafe, unworthy, or loathful coming to work every day.
And sometimes the reasons have nothing to do with the work environment. It could just be the fact that the job just isn’t a good fit for you. Maybe you're not at your best because you're simply not passionate about the type of work you're doing. Maybe there are some personal things you need to work through. Maybe the company culture, while awesome, just isn't your vibe. Just like you’d break up with someone in a romantic relationship who, while nice and wonderful, is just not the right person for you, leave that job that’s not compatible, too.
You can go through a benefit-of-the-doubt process where you bring up your concerns to your immediate manager or escalate things to a union rep or HR manager, but at the end of the day, if you know, that first week or month, that deep down in your gut, that the job is not right for you, it might be a better idea to just gracefully bow out early, with your dignity and mental health intact.
5. Life indeed does go on, and you will, indeed, be more than fine. You'll probably be even better after the experience.
Many of us can feel “at fault” when it comes to being fired, even if whatever situation led to the firing really wasn’t our fault. There’s shame, self-defamation, and other horrible fall-outs that can happen when you’ve been let go. But let me tell you: Since that experience, I’ve gotten several amazing jobs, made way more money, I’ve traveled the world, and I can look back on that day and laugh knowing that I am well taken care of by God, today.
I did a bit of self-work after that experience, and I found that much of the reason I stayed in the position even after all the red flags I’d noticed during that first week, for me, had to do with self-worth issues and old traumas I’d experienced in the past that I had not addressed within myself. I also learned to forgive, especially in reference to that manager, because I held on to a lot of hurt and anger about the situation. I’d had high hopes for that job—things that were promised to me by the manager—that never materialized.
I take my work seriously, and when something doesn’t work out as someone says it should in a position, it’s like my whole world ends thinking about all the amazing things that could have been accomplished had I been given what I was promised and allowed the chance to thrive in the role. I’d also turned down other opportunities to take that job and felt a lot of resentment about that. You can’t get time back, so that part really made my blood boil. I had to forgive myself as well.
It’s an amazing feeling to be able to take your power back by looking inward, rallying support from family, friends, and mentors, and remembering who you truly are as the person God made you to be. I’m an auntie, a sister, a lover, an advocate, and a damn good writer and editor. I’ve blessed folk with opportunities, mentorship, and financial investments. Being fired did not define me, stop my coins, or destroy me.
I’ve continued to seek God, work through healing, and take the lessons to be a better person and professional in the long run.
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'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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I’ve gotta say that, for the most part, my friends are pretty damn chill. There is one (major) exception, though — and it’s an odd one. Even after all these years and countless times of me giving them the same answer, if there is a time when they think they are my mama, it’s when they see an email come through at an odd hour of the night. Then, all of a sudden, here they come asking me when do I get sleep if I’m emailing at (say) three in the morning.
Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
If you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
There is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
Something that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
Even if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
I saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
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Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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