The way we begin our day sets the tone for how we feel about our day. And for a lot of women, our beauty routines are how we get into formation, and how we ultimately equip ourselves to slay the day ahead.
As a woman about her business, I find myself constantly drawing inspiration from the processes of other like-minded phenomenal women who are doing the damn thing in their work lives and taking impressive steps in their career journeys.
Whether she's a marketing coordinator at Squarespace, the founder of her own TRIBE, or the engineer coding for herself, a boss babe is never a boss without the tools that help make her hone in on that feeling of regality and success. Read on to learn the beauty essentials of some of our favorite thriving girl bosses on the rise.
Cheyenne Adler
Instagram: @adamantlyadler
Location: New York, NY
Occupation: Marketing Coordinator at Squarespace
Vitruvi Wake Aromatherapy Oil
“I've always been fascinated by aromatherapy, so I picked this up and I honestly can't start a day without it. A little Wake oil behind the ears in the morning, and I'm ready to tackle anything I've got on my plate - work, photoshoots, events, anything. Not only do you feel rejuvenated, but the scent is subtle enough that it pairs nicely with any perfume, so you smell incredible too."
Boy Brow by Glossier
“You know that saying, 'Don't let anyone with bad brows tell you sh*t about life?' Yeah, well I took that to heart! I never want to be the girl with bad brows! My brows are super full (borderline bushy) and have a mind of their own so I even if I'm not wearing any makeup, a nice swipe or two of Boy Brow always keeps them in shape while I'm sprinting around the office or around the city."
Fenty Beauty Killawat Highlighter in Girl Next Door
“Our girl, Rihanna really does know how to make a girl GLOW. I'm not one to wear a lot of makeup on the day-to-day so I picked up the Girl Next Door/Chic Phreak palette to add a healthy, natural glow to my cheeks. When I wear it, it's a nice little essence of RihRih motivating me to be my best and baddest self."
A.N Other WD/18
“WD/18 is a new fragrance I discovered, and I'm absolutely obsessed. It kind of smells like Le Labo's notorious Santal scent, but half the price -- so you can see why I love it! I believe smelling good really gives a woman a little extra confidence, commanding attention, so you can definitely catch me leaning in a little more closely in meetings knowing I'm smelling bomb af."
Care/Of Monthly Subscription
“I have pretty hectic days Monday – Friday, so sometimes I'm not the best about managing a well-balanced diet filled with all the nutrients and the healthy good stuff. I know, I know, so bad and I've got to be better, but until I slow down, it's nice to have a reminder every day to at least take my vitamins. Care/Of is awesome because it's 100% customized from the mix of vitamins catered to your targeted needs and they have your name on the bags - what boss woman doesn't like seeing her name on something?"
Maura Chanz
Instagram: @maurachanz
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Occupation: Assistant, Mara Brock Akil – CEO of Glitter + Hustle – Founder of You Need Tribe
Fenty Beauty Pro Filt'r Soft Matte Longwear Foundation in 390
“Being a boss is about working smarter not harder. Fenty Foundation allows me to do this because it gives me a flawless look with one product. This foundation allows me a lightweight full coverage that keeps me looking flawless when myself nor my day are anything but."
MAC Ruby Woo Lipstick
“A boss asserts her power. For me, this can be done with something as simple as a boom on the lip. Red lipstick, specifically Ruby Woo, has always been a staple and keeps me feeling like I'm kicking ass and taking names."
Big Hoop Earrings
“In addition to working smarter and asserting my power, I always need something that speaks to my fun and eccentric nature. Hoop earrings are classic (to me) and always give me an edge to slay my day. I can always re-up at my local beauty store when necessary (I've picked some up en route places before)."
Amber Janae
Instagram: @ajscribes
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Occupation: Founder & Editor-in-Chief of THE CORE Magazine
Juicy Couture Eau de Parfum Spray & Bonbon by Viktor and Rolf
“Smelling good is priority on my list. I have two fragrances I love. Juicy Couture's first perfume ever, which I've been wearing since I was about 17. Also, Bonbon by Viktor and Rolf. A salesman suckered me on a trip to NY and I've been hooked since. Both fragrances are to die for. I was always taught that a woman should have a signature scent, which is why smelling good id something I always take pride in."
Rose Quartz
“I wear a rose quartz pendant around my neck daily or I'll carry one of my smaller rose quartz crystals in my pocket or purse. Rose quartz are symbolically known as the 'Love stone.' I like to wear it around my neck, close to my heart so that, that chakra remains opened and balanced. I also like it near as I reminder that I am love and am always covered in it."
Matcha Green Tea and Activated Charcoal Mask
“Great skin would have to be next. I love makeup, but it's so important for my skin to be clear and glowing underneath it all. My latest go-to product is the Matcha Green Tea and Activated Charcoal Mask by Beija Flor Naturals. Absolutely everything I never knew I needed. Its ingredients are all natural and literally leaves my skin feeling and looking radiant."
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Dara Oke
Instagram: @daraoke_
Location: Lagos, Nigeria
Occupation: Entrepreneur, Software Developer + Designer
The True Cream Moisturizing Bomb by BELIF
“I have dry skin, as in - the absolute driest. Finding a facial moisturizer that understood me has been nothing short of a lifelong journey, this completely improved my skincare routine. Washing and moisturizing my face is now my favorite part of waking up and getting my mornings started."
Nars Velvet Matte Skin Tint + Lancome Teint Idole Ultra Foundation
“I was a drugstore foundation girl for a really long time (still swear by Maybelline Fit Me), but then I found foundations I loved enough to shell out the cash for. I rotate between my Nars and Lancome, neither of which are too heavy, but give me the flawless coverage and confidence to conquer my day."
NYX Lingerie Liquid Lipstick
“Working in tech, spending most of my days between meetings and offices always made picking my daily lip color a chore - balancing between not too bold, but still present. I love the muted colors, all-day wear, and texture (probably the smoothest liquid lipstick I've tried) of these lipsticks. Plus, they're just a few dollars each. I can 100% guarantee that you'd catch me wearing this on any day."
David Yurman Châtelaine Pearl Earrings
“I was gifted a pair of these, and to this day they are the only earrings I haven't misplaced (likely because I rarely take them off, except sleep/shower). I never saw myself as a pearl person, nor had I ever purchased designer earrings, but these have become the most consistent part of my wardrobe, and make every outfit feel just a little bit elegant."
Chan-Lo
Instagram: @callherchanlo / @cnkdaily
Location: Dallas, TX
Occupation: Chief of Sneaker Chic at CNKDaily.com
Rosebud Salve by Rosebud Perfume Co.
“For me, hydrated lips are essential. If you're guilty of not drinking enough water (raises hand), you need a good lip balm to keep your lips hydrated, especially in extreme climates. I live for Rosebud Salve by Rosebud Perfume Co. It's about $6.00 and one pot last me about two months."
Neutrogena Oil-Free Face Moisturizer with SPF 35
“I live in Texas so, you never know what you're going to get as far as weather goes. So, I try to make sure to protect my skin as much as possible. A good face moisturizer with SPF is always the way to go for me personally. I've been using this Neutrogena option since college (when I was battling dry skin in the frozen Tundra of Minneapolis) and I swear by it. Plus, I can always find it for under $10, which makes me super happy."
Oh My How High! Lengthening Mascara by Butter London
“I don't do a full face of make-up every day. It's just too time-consuming and I like to give my face a chance to breathe but, after throwing on some lip balm and combing out my eyebrows I usually put on some mascara before dashing out of the house. I received this mascara by Butter London in a gift bag and I haven't used anything else since. It doesn't flake, it's easy to remove, and it definitely gives your lashes a huge POP."
Palmer's Olive Oil Formula Deep Conditioner
“Deep conditioning my hair once a week has made it more manageable and it's easy to do. On Sundays, I usually wash with a good cleansing shampoo and add this deep conditioner post-wash. I usually put on a plastic cap and let it sit while I prep posts or plan social media for the week."
Love Your Bare Face Hydrating Cleansing Oil
“For those boss babes who hate how time-consuming some face cleanse regimens are, this has been a game changer for me personally. The lightweight oil melts away a full face of makeup or the dirt from the day easily without stripping your skin. Plus, the oil adds moisture to your skin. I usually will put this on my face before I hit the shower, rinse off, and I'm good to go."
What are some of the go-to essentials you rely on to help you feel like a boss?
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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