Ahh, the glow-up. Many of us have a love/hate relationship with this notion. We love the person we become on the other side. But that process? Not for the faint of heart. I recently turned 37 and while it wasn’t a milestone birthday, I realized I’m closer to 40 than 30. I might not ever be the size I was when I first crossed into this decade or return to the woman I was before becoming a mom. But that doesn’t mean I can’t level up and have my own pre-mid-life transformation. And it’s the same for you.
Think about it. It takes 21 days to create a habit, so imagine what you can do in 30 with consistency and commitment to simply being your best self. You deserve that and more.
Whether you want to evolve and learn a new skill or just be proud of the person you are and the decisions you’ve made when the new year makes its entrance, the glow-up is more within your reach than you think. Here are a few ways you can begin the journey.
1.Positive Affirmations Are Top-Tier
“On my mama, on my hood, I look fly, I look good,” is one of the best millennial proverbs to date. The devil is busy, so given even the smallest chance, negativity will find a way to seep into our minds and poison everything we’ve worked so hard to overcome. Speaking positive, motivating thoughts is one of the easiest ways to glow up with a quickness. Write out a few statements that make you feel unstoppable and speak them over yourself daily. Shut down self-doubt and remind yourself that you’re that chick! Becoming your best self will be inevitable.
2.Move, Sis!
FreshSplash/Getty ImagesExercise has proven to help our mental health over and over again. It’s “a mood booster” that “has been scientifically proven to decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression,” licensed mental health counselor Joanne Frederick, L.P.C., told Shape. Simply put, according to Frederick, “Physical activity raises endorphins in the body, which are the brain's feel-good chemicals.”
Still, if you’re like me, the thought of going to the gym five days a week makes you want to faint. So you can start with something fun, like going for a walk while listening to a podcast or taking a virtual or in-person dance class. Either way, exercise is a guaranteed way to glow up from the inside out.
3.Read Something
There’s something about picking up a book (or pressing play on an audiobook in the car or while cleaning up) that just makes us feel like we’re elevating ourselves. *insert shoulder shimmy.* It could be an erotica novel, an empowering memoir, or a book that gives you the ins and outs of how to excel in your trade. Whatever the topic, any book can spark your desire to use your imagination, expand your vocabulary, and inspire you to reflect on your own life story. Most of us love a good TV show binge, but when it comes to leveling up, adding a book or two into our rotation is the chef’s kiss.
4.You Are What You Eat
AleksandarNakic/Getty ImagesCan we discuss food for a minute? Whew. For many of us, it’s our Achilles heel on the journey to glowing up. From emotional eating to jumping into the latest diet fad in every last effort to un-big our backs, it’s easy to fall victim and go from one extreme to the other. But for now, why not just start small, with one thing at a time for 30 days, instead of trying to go cold turkey and switch up everything at once?
Maybe you could commit to eating healthy, whole foods, skip fast food, and opt for meal prepping at the beginning of the week. Or take a break from eating fried foods or over-indulging in beloved sweets. There are so many ways to achieve a healthier lifestyle through our nutrition, and the feeling of having power and control over what we put in our bodies instead of letting it take over us is indescribable.
5.What Are You Looking At?
If you can’t see it, can you really manifest it? Creating vision and mood boards isn’t just for the beginning of the year. Making them all year round will help keep your goals fresh and at the forefront of your mind. Seeing your aspirations in bright colors, motivating images, and uplifting phrases will inspire you to do what it takes to stay on your journey to a better, and ultimately the best, version of yourself. You can create one for a specific goal or a generic one for multiple areas of your life. If you really want to get into it, put your board in a place where you can’t avoid it — in your bathroom, bedroom, living room, etc., letting it serve as a reminder that your evolution isn’t out of reach.
6.Sleep On It
Getty ImagesTeam No Sleep is not my testimony. If taking naps was a love language, it would be mine. And I’m not ashamed… anymore. Getting enough sleep is imperative to becoming your best self. Have you noticed that more celebrities are bragging about how much sleep they actually get? From Angela White (aka Blac Chyna) sharing that she gets 8-9 hours of sleep a day, to Oprah Winfrey’s Oprah Dailyrevealing her two favorite places are the bathtub and her bed.
This whole idea of grinding day and night just isn’t as noble as it used to be. From reducing stress, boosting your memory and energy, rejuvenating your body, and giving your heart some TLC, there are several benefits of getting a solid night's sleep, per Very Well Health. The traditional 7-9 hours of sleep each night might not be realistic for you. If that’s the case, quality over quantity is key. Either way, go to bed, girl!
7.Don’t Be Thirsty
We take pride in drinking our water and minding our business. But there are some serious benefits to staying hydrated. Via Byrdie, board-certified dermatologist Margarita Lolis notes that the Mayo Clinic recommends women drink 2.7 liters a day, that’s about 92 oz. With this magic number, you could start to see: a boost in your metabolism, improved endurance in your workouts, glowing skin, healthier eating habits, and better brain function.
Though cramping could also be a factor, that can be subsided by discovering how much water is best for your physique. Don’t let that discourage you from increasing your water intake if needed because it’s the key to literally glowing up your skin and body.
8.The Great Purge
Rockaa/Getty ImagesOut with the old, in with the new, right? Purging things from your closet to cleaning out your car makes room for the beautiful and new things to come into your life. A new season like spring or fall has been touted as the perfect time in the past, but is there any better moment than the present? From schedules and old sweaters, worries and plans about the future, and tasks like laundry (which is in a class of its own), our minds are just so…cluttered.
The first step to clearing it out could be cleaning out things that no longer serve you. Taking a couple of times a week to purge various places of your life can put you in the mental space to manifest and prepare for the person you’ve been aiming to become. A clean area can lead to more productivity, confidence, and a free mind, which is a game changer in leveling up.
9.Try Something New
One thing I love about stepping into a new era is that it’s never too late to evolve and try new things. As you go through this process, start thinking of ways to actually enjoy it. What sets your heart on fire that you have yet to tap into? What’s something you’ve always dreamed of doing but have been too afraid, busy, or unmotivated to try? With technology, virtual learning, good old YouTube University, and the #TikTokTaughtMe concept, you can literally master anything with time.
Whether you want to travel to expand your horizon and mind, challenge yourself by learning how to cook, or start embracing the great outdoors by going on a hike, taking on new adventures will undoubtedly add fuel to your journey, inspiring you to stick it out when things feel mundane.
10.Stay Consistent
Anchiy/Getty ImagesCan you relate to the shame that comes with starting over while pursuing the same goal? We get a plan, start off super motivated and inspired, ready to flawlessly knock it out within X amount of days…only to fall off. I’ve kept promises to other people, but when it comes to myself, I can justify dropping the ball. If we’ve learned anything in our journey to a glow-up, it’s that consistency is key.
Keep showing up for yourself because you deserve to become the woman you’ve always wanted to be. It’s going to take sacrifice, dedication, and commitment. Bottom line, it’ll be hard. But if you take it one day at a time and keep your promises to yourself, you’ll get there and be so proud of yourself when you do.
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
Exclusive: Dreka Gates Talks Farm Life, Self-Mastery, And Her Wellness Brand
Dreka Gates is making a name in wellness through authenticity and innovativeness. Although we were introduced to her as a music manager for her husband, Kevin Gates, she has now carved out her own lane outside of music as a wellness entrepreneur. But according to Dreka, this is nothing new.
In an xoNecole exclusive, the mom of two opened up about many things, including starting her wellness journey at 13 years old. However, a near-death experience during a procedure at 20 made her start taking her health more seriously.
“There's so many different levels, and now, I'm in a space of just integrating all of this good stuff that I've learned just about just being human, you know?” Dreka tells us. “So it's also fun because it's like a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. That's what I call it. So it's never-ending.”
Courtesy
If you follow Dreka, then you’re familiar with her holistic lifestyle, as she’s no stranger to promoting wellness, self-care, and holistic living. She even lives part-time on a Mississippi farm, not far from her grandmother and great-grandmother’s farm, where she spent some summers as a child.
While her grandmother and great-grandmother have passed on, Dreka reflects on that time in her life and how having a farm as an adult is her getting back to her roots. “So the farm was purchased back in 2017, and it was like, ah, that'll just be a place where we go when we're not touring or whatever,” she said.
“But COVID hit, and I was there, and I was on the land, and I just started remembering back to going to my grandmother's during the summertime and freaking picking peas and going and eating mulberries off the freaking tree in the bushes.
“And she literally had cotton plants. I know some people feel weird about picking cotton and stuff. She had cotton plants and I would go and pick cotton out of her garden. And she had chickens, and I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots.”
"I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots."
You can catch glimpses of Dreka’s farm life on Instagram, which shows her picking fruit and vegetables and loving on her animals like her camel Eessa. Her passion for growing and cultivating led her to try and grow all of her ingredients for her wellness brand, Dreka Wellness. However, she quickly realized that she might be biting off more than she could chew. But that didn’t stop her from fulfilling her vision.
Watch below as Dreka talks more about her business, her wellness tips, breaking toxic cycles, becoming a doula, and more.
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It never fails. Whenever the topic of me and my super long bout of abstinence comes up in conversation, one thing that people ask me is how in the world was I able to pull it off? That is a book within itself, but what I will say, as it relates to this article and the 10 women who contributed to it, there is something very empowering about abstinence, especially when you enjoy sex as much as I do.
It teaches you about self-control. It teaches you how to learn (more) about what your needs are beyond the obvious when it comes to holistic self-awareness, relational connection, and even sensual pleasure. It also teaches you how to tap into deeper levels of your femininity — and spirituality — and all of this can cause you to feel good about yourself in a way that’s very different from any other decision that you may make as it relates to your overall health and well-being.
Hey, you don’t have to take my word for it, though. Take a moment to check out what these women had to say about what going without sex, for a season, did for them. It just might surprise — or even inspire — you.
*Middle names are always used by me so that people can speak freely*
1. Andrea. 29. Abstinent for Six Months.
“The sex with my ex had me so f-cked up. In a good way, kind of, and then in a f-cked up way too. The best way to explain is, we had been together for three years, and before him, I hadn’t had an orgasm before; with him, I had multiples, almost every time. A first orgasm is like a first hit of a drug — it’s so addicting that you’ll rationalize all kinds of reasons to stay in something that isn’t working otherwise. That was us. When we broke up, we still kept having sex, and that was making me feel worse about myself because I knew that I deserved more than just a sex high.
"So, I cold turkey stopped to get back to me — and I’ve needed more than a couple of months to do that. No more sex with him has made me get back to me: who I am and what I really want. It’s made me see relationships and sex differently. I’m still figuring it out, but to get back control of my heart and my body has been good because I know that next time, I will be in better control of how I feel about a man — and how he makes me feel. I won’t compromise either one. Not settling is sexy to me.”
"I won't compromise either one. Not settling is sexy to me."
2. Jameela. 44. Abstinent for Three Years.
“My husband was my first. A part of the reason why we divorced was sex-related — we just weren’t in sync that way. After six months of therapy to heal, I went on what I call a ‘sex adventure’ to see what I really wanted from intimacy. After I got the answers, I decided to be abstinent because I also wanted to see how my new understanding of my sexuality lined up with who I was after the divorce. The adventure lasted for about a year and a half. I’ve been abstinent for double that.
"It wasn’t on purpose, it’s just…once you know who you are, what you like, and what you need — when you know it for sure, you’re not anxious. My marriage had me anxious because I knew that something was missing. Now, I know what that was, and I can wait until the whole package comes along. I think men knowing that ‘I’m good’ is what they find to be really sexy. I know I would.”
3. Waylen. 37. Abstinent for Seven Months.
“The most attention that I would give my body was during sex. Yes, I’d bathe and do the basic stuff — I mean that I wouldn’t make the time to ‘love on me’ the way I would expect my partners to. That caused something to be missing during sex, so I decided to take a ‘time out’ to see what I was going without. Trying different scents, seeing what colors I like to see myself in, creating romantic evenings at home with nothing but me, some flowers and throwback R&B, exchanging cotton sheets for silk ones, giving myself vaginal massages — how do you expect someone to make love to you when you don’t even do it? Abstinence has been a sensual and satisfying experience.”
4. Leeyah. 50. Abstinent for 16 Months.
“I think all women should be abstinent at least once or twice in their lifetime. Our culture makes us feel like all we have to offer is a pretty face and a vagina a lot of times — we need to get off of the ride and remind ourselves that we have a lot of players and plenty to offer. My first year was about getting over an ex. This year has been about celebrating me. Some of it has sexual components to it. I’ve done vaginal mapping. I get facials for my vagina. I buy lingerie for myself. You’ve gotten me into doing sex journaling, and that has taught me a ton.
"I’m seeing someone now, and we do tantric breathing together, which teaches me how to release and restrain my sexual power. Abstinence reminds me that sex is a part of who I am, not all of it — and that the people who should have sex with me should treat me that way. That makes me feel like a sex goddess.”
5. Jaya. 41. Abstinent for Two Months.
“Somebody should’ve told me how hard this abstinence sh-t was going to be. Damn! I’m only doing it because the past three sex partners I’ve had? The sex was trash, and they weren’t anything to write home about either. It’s easy to blame everything on someone else, but if I’m always choosing men I have to fake it with, what does that say about me? I’m using abstinence to show me that. What I’ve gotten so far is I don’t prioritize my pleasure like I should.
"Girl, I’ve had more orgasms with this damn rose in my nightstand than any d-ck this year. If I’m not faking it alone, I damn sure need to stop with these dudes out here. Let’s see what I learn next month. After that, I think I’m done. Ain’t no point in doing this if I’m gonna end up homeless from snapping at work and losing my job. [Abstinence] is showing me some things. I won’t lie.”
6. Raddix. 37. Abstinent for Two Years.
“My abstinence journey started out as a bet. One of my guy friends bet me that he could hold out longer than I could; the prize was a vacation on the other person’s dime. Are you surprised that he gave in after five months, and I’m still going strong after two years? It was on the trip that he paid for that I decided to keep going.
"I went to Hawaii and got pampered for 10 days. It made me see myself in a different way because pampering is such a sensual experience, and even though I’ve had good sex, I haven’t felt pampered during any of it. No sex makes me want to bring that into it. I’m ready to have sex again, but if you can’t make me feel better than a Hawaiian massage, even with your voice and words alone — I’ll pass. I've gone this long. I'll wait."
7. Brenn. 26. Abstinent for One Year. (Kind Of.)
“Abstinence is a fascinating topic because, shouldn’t we ask people what kind of abstinent they are? I’ve gone without intercourse because I needed a break from birth control. I have a latex allergy, so I do the shot. But don’t think that I’m not getting ‘munched on’. Are you crazy?! I don’t know why oral doesn’t get more props. Orgasms without the risk of pregnancy is next level! And girl, being ‘served’ like that? You are gonna feel sexier than ever!”
8. Milan. 33. Abstinent for Nine Months.
“Nine months is on purpose. I figure that the amount of time that it takes to create a child is a good amount of time to recreate myself. For years, I was the kind of woman who found validation in my sexuality because if there is one area where I know I am excellent, it’s there. But there’s more to who I am than that, and I needed to go without sex to come to this space.
"Having sex made me feel sexy. Not having sex tapped into a sensuality that I needed to explore by myself. Now that I think I’m ready to have sex again, partners will be with a woman who’s explored other areas of herself — they will experience parts of me that I’m just getting to see. It will be a deeper experience. I love that for me — and for them.”
9. Elizabeth. 39. Abstinent for Seven Years.
“You know when you told me that abstinence makes you pickier? Girl, you ain’t neva lied! If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be going without some good ‘D’ for multiple years, I would have been the first to cuss you out — but here it is, seven years later, and I’m still going strong. I can’t tell you that I haven’t had some ‘kisses down below’ or that I don’t enjoy ‘returning the favor,’ but I haven’t been ready to let another man inside of my body, in that way, yet. Self-restraint shows you that you really are the prize. You’ve got to earn this, baby — when the right man does, it will pay off.”
10. Michelle. 40. Abstinent for 3-6 Months. Annually.
“Something that I’ve been doing for the past six years is making sure that I go through at least one season a year of abstinence — season means spring, summer, fall, or winter. One year, I did it because I wanted to cleanse out everything while I was doing a detox, which I also do once a year. I just felt so purified that I decided to make it an annual thing.
"There’s something about purging all of that energy out of your system that’s so freeing to me because, when there is nothing in you but you, it creates a level of self-confidence that you can’t get another way. Seven years later, no regrets. Abstinence reminds me to prioritize me. Damn, it doesn’t get sexier than that…does it?”
Sis, I totally cosign. It really doesn’t.
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