Ahh, the glow-up. Many of us have a love/hate relationship with this notion. We love the person we become on the other side. But that process? Not for the faint of heart. I recently turned 37 and while it wasn’t a milestone birthday, I realized I’m closer to 40 than 30. I might not ever be the size I was when I first crossed into this decade or return to the woman I was before becoming a mom. But that doesn’t mean I can’t level up and have my own pre-mid-life transformation. And it’s the same for you.
Think about it. It takes 21 days to create a habit, so imagine what you can do in 30 with consistency and commitment to simply being your best self. You deserve that and more.
Whether you want to evolve and learn a new skill or just be proud of the person you are and the decisions you’ve made when the new year makes its entrance, the glow-up is more within your reach than you think. Here are a few ways you can begin the journey.
1.Positive Affirmations Are Top-Tier
“On my mama, on my hood, I look fly, I look good,” is one of the best millennial proverbs to date. The devil is busy, so given even the smallest chance, negativity will find a way to seep into our minds and poison everything we’ve worked so hard to overcome. Speaking positive, motivating thoughts is one of the easiest ways to glow up with a quickness. Write out a few statements that make you feel unstoppable and speak them over yourself daily. Shut down self-doubt and remind yourself that you’re that chick! Becoming your best self will be inevitable.
2.Move, Sis!
FreshSplash/Getty ImagesExercise has proven to help our mental health over and over again. It’s “a mood booster” that “has been scientifically proven to decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression,” licensed mental health counselor Joanne Frederick, L.P.C., told Shape. Simply put, according to Frederick, “Physical activity raises endorphins in the body, which are the brain's feel-good chemicals.”
Still, if you’re like me, the thought of going to the gym five days a week makes you want to faint. So you can start with something fun, like going for a walk while listening to a podcast or taking a virtual or in-person dance class. Either way, exercise is a guaranteed way to glow up from the inside out.
3.Read Something
There’s something about picking up a book (or pressing play on an audiobook in the car or while cleaning up) that just makes us feel like we’re elevating ourselves. *insert shoulder shimmy.* It could be an erotica novel, an empowering memoir, or a book that gives you the ins and outs of how to excel in your trade. Whatever the topic, any book can spark your desire to use your imagination, expand your vocabulary, and inspire you to reflect on your own life story. Most of us love a good TV show binge, but when it comes to leveling up, adding a book or two into our rotation is the chef’s kiss.
4.You Are What You Eat
AleksandarNakic/Getty ImagesCan we discuss food for a minute? Whew. For many of us, it’s our Achilles heel on the journey to glowing up. From emotional eating to jumping into the latest diet fad in every last effort to un-big our backs, it’s easy to fall victim and go from one extreme to the other. But for now, why not just start small, with one thing at a time for 30 days, instead of trying to go cold turkey and switch up everything at once?
Maybe you could commit to eating healthy, whole foods, skip fast food, and opt for meal prepping at the beginning of the week. Or take a break from eating fried foods or over-indulging in beloved sweets. There are so many ways to achieve a healthier lifestyle through our nutrition, and the feeling of having power and control over what we put in our bodies instead of letting it take over us is indescribable.
5.What Are You Looking At?
If you can’t see it, can you really manifest it? Creating vision and mood boards isn’t just for the beginning of the year. Making them all year round will help keep your goals fresh and at the forefront of your mind. Seeing your aspirations in bright colors, motivating images, and uplifting phrases will inspire you to do what it takes to stay on your journey to a better, and ultimately the best, version of yourself. You can create one for a specific goal or a generic one for multiple areas of your life. If you really want to get into it, put your board in a place where you can’t avoid it — in your bathroom, bedroom, living room, etc., letting it serve as a reminder that your evolution isn’t out of reach.
6.Sleep On It
Getty ImagesTeam No Sleep is not my testimony. If taking naps was a love language, it would be mine. And I’m not ashamed… anymore. Getting enough sleep is imperative to becoming your best self. Have you noticed that more celebrities are bragging about how much sleep they actually get? From Angela White (aka Blac Chyna) sharing that she gets 8-9 hours of sleep a day, to Oprah Winfrey’s Oprah Dailyrevealing her two favorite places are the bathtub and her bed.
This whole idea of grinding day and night just isn’t as noble as it used to be. From reducing stress, boosting your memory and energy, rejuvenating your body, and giving your heart some TLC, there are several benefits of getting a solid night's sleep, per Very Well Health. The traditional 7-9 hours of sleep each night might not be realistic for you. If that’s the case, quality over quantity is key. Either way, go to bed, girl!
7.Don’t Be Thirsty
We take pride in drinking our water and minding our business. But there are some serious benefits to staying hydrated. Via Byrdie, board-certified dermatologist Margarita Lolis notes that the Mayo Clinic recommends women drink 2.7 liters a day, that’s about 92 oz. With this magic number, you could start to see: a boost in your metabolism, improved endurance in your workouts, glowing skin, healthier eating habits, and better brain function.
Though cramping could also be a factor, that can be subsided by discovering how much water is best for your physique. Don’t let that discourage you from increasing your water intake if needed because it’s the key to literally glowing up your skin and body.
8.The Great Purge
Rockaa/Getty ImagesOut with the old, in with the new, right? Purging things from your closet to cleaning out your car makes room for the beautiful and new things to come into your life. A new season like spring or fall has been touted as the perfect time in the past, but is there any better moment than the present? From schedules and old sweaters, worries and plans about the future, and tasks like laundry (which is in a class of its own), our minds are just so…cluttered.
The first step to clearing it out could be cleaning out things that no longer serve you. Taking a couple of times a week to purge various places of your life can put you in the mental space to manifest and prepare for the person you’ve been aiming to become. A clean area can lead to more productivity, confidence, and a free mind, which is a game changer in leveling up.
9.Try Something New
One thing I love about stepping into a new era is that it’s never too late to evolve and try new things. As you go through this process, start thinking of ways to actually enjoy it. What sets your heart on fire that you have yet to tap into? What’s something you’ve always dreamed of doing but have been too afraid, busy, or unmotivated to try? With technology, virtual learning, good old YouTube University, and the #TikTokTaughtMe concept, you can literally master anything with time.
Whether you want to travel to expand your horizon and mind, challenge yourself by learning how to cook, or start embracing the great outdoors by going on a hike, taking on new adventures will undoubtedly add fuel to your journey, inspiring you to stick it out when things feel mundane.
10.Stay Consistent
Anchiy/Getty ImagesCan you relate to the shame that comes with starting over while pursuing the same goal? We get a plan, start off super motivated and inspired, ready to flawlessly knock it out within X amount of days…only to fall off. I’ve kept promises to other people, but when it comes to myself, I can justify dropping the ball. If we’ve learned anything in our journey to a glow-up, it’s that consistency is key.
Keep showing up for yourself because you deserve to become the woman you’ve always wanted to be. It’s going to take sacrifice, dedication, and commitment. Bottom line, it’ll be hard. But if you take it one day at a time and keep your promises to yourself, you’ll get there and be so proud of yourself when you do.
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Yeah, I’m not a fan of that because, once you’ve already “locked in” on that level, going to see a marriage counselor or life coach is pretty much only seen as a mere formality. In other words, you’re not really looking to dive deep to see if there are some potential red, orange, or even yellow flags — you’re just going to a couple of sessions because it sounds like the right thing to do.
And because of that mindset, far too many people go into marriage totally blindsided and/or thinking that they can deal with things later and/or believing that love (which usually is some emotional version, not the biblical one — I Corinthians 13) will conquer all — and because of that, divorce court ends up becoming their reality. If not semi-immediately…eventually.
That’s why I write articles like this. Wisdom says that if you want to get into something as serious as marriage and you’re going to look someone in their eyes and vow to be with them for the rest of your lives, you both should know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourselves into…beforehand.
The following eight questions can help to lead the way when it comes to this…
1. Childhood Issues
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself getting caught up in a movie on HBO Max calledOn Chesil Beach. It drags, so I’m not (necessarily) recommending it. However, it does help to drive home this first point that I’m trying to make because it’s all about the purely excruciating wedding “night” of a couple who waited to (attempt to) consummate their marriage. Although for a lot of it, the wife was pretty annoying, you do get glimpses of her childhood that help to shed light on all of her excuses and hesitancy (and there was A LOT of both).
If you do happen to want to watch the film, I won’t give all of what happens away. What I will say is that one of the main reasons why going to premarital counseling is so important is you and your bae should talk about childhood issues.
Listen, as one of my favorite quotes says, “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Meaning, a lot of times, marriages struggle because it’s not two healed adults who are in the relationship; it’s more like two wounded (on some level, at least) kids who are trying to make a valiant attempt at an adult dynamic.
I know many people who grew up in hella dysfunctional homes who simply said, “I will never be like my parents when I grow up,” only to turn around and be just like them. How did that happen? It’s because of something that I tell a lot of my clients: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right. The main way to prevent that from happening is by being open and honest about where we come from, how it all affected/infected/impacted us, and then getting help, if needed, before jumping the broom.
2. Greatest Heartbreak
GiphyAlthough I’m not sure that there is solid data on what I’m about to say, I stand ten toes down on the fact that I don’t think that men look to “fall in love” multiple times. If anything, they have a first love, their wife, and possibly someone in between. Why? Because contrary to what social media likes to cram down our throats about men, many men when they fall, they fall very hard and are all in. Case in point, I can’t tell you how many guys have told me how much of an influence their first love has had on them — even to this day. And when something monumental happens, it can totally change you (check out “Your Soulmate Might Be The One Who Broke You”).
That’s why I also think it’s a good idea for you and your man to discuss what your greatest heartbreak was like — past (how it affected you) and present (how you feel about the experience now). It can shed great light into how you see relationships and love and why you make some of the decisions that you now do. It can also help you both to express if there are still some unresolved issues that are dormant there because I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who, when things got rocky in their marriage, the very first place they went to was Facebook or Instagram to see what their “long lost love” has been up to.
A writer by the name of Jodi Picoult once said, “Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.” Both of you discussing how this saying relates to this particular topic can, as I put it, “cover up mouseholes.” What I mean by that is, by getting it all out in the open, your partner will be able to know your wounds and weaknesses in that area and offer up some support and even protection — in ways you, he, or both may not have known was needed…until the topic was actually brought up.
3. Financial Habits
GiphyYou know, I find it very interesting how the Good Book says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy 6:10), and yet, pretty much any time I tiptoe out to see what social media is yapping — sorry, I mean talking — about, “broke” comes up incessantly. Listen, should you want to be with someone who is financially savvy and stable? 1000 percent. Should you also be the kind of person who you want to be with? 10,000 percent.
That said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a premarital session and asked both people what their credit score was, only for them to look at me like I asked them to strip naked or something. LOL. Well, I guess, in a way, it’s the same thing because nothing reveals someone’s financial stuff like their credit score and what they’ve got in their savings account. Yet if you’re thinking that your soon-to-be spouse isn’t going to find all of that out anyway, you’re caught up in some sort of delusion that I’m not sure any therapist can get you out of.
Personally, I think that engaged couples should hire a financial advisor and get a financial mentor (preferably a married couple) to comb through both of their finances so that they can see each other’s current state, areas of strengths and weaknesses, and so they can come up with a financial plan for their first, third and fifth year of marriage.
You know, although actually the top reason for divorce these days has a lot to do witha lack of support (emotionally and otherwise),financial stuff is still up there. A part of the reason for that is that there’s no way around the fact that marriage is a business contract (among other things). If you’re signing up to do business with someone, you need to know what their finances look like. That’s common sense 101.
4. Character Weaknesses
GiphyAnyone who knows me knows that if someone tells me that they believe that they’ve met “the one,” while they are acting like that person is an angel on earth, the marriage life coach (and “Shellie”) in me is like, “Uh-huh. What are their character flaws, though?” It’s not to break their spirit or be a Debbie Downer or anything; it’s just that I have watched too many marriages crash and burn because they didn’t ask themselves questions like that before saying, “I do.”
For instance, one of my friends (who, yes, happens to be divorced now) told me that he had met who he believed was his soulmate; when I asked him about her potential character weaknesses, one of the things that he casually said was, “I mean, she has a bit of a jealousy streak but…” Umm, sir — you are handsome and an entertainer and you’re going to marry a jealous woman? Hacked emails and tons of drama later, he admits that he wished that he hadn’t underestimated that side of her personality.
Listen, no one is perfect — not by far. In fact, if you’re mature in your thinking, a part of what marriage is designed to do is give you the kind of accountability partner that will offer a safe space for you to address, refine, and improve some things about yourself.
However, in order for you and your partner to be able to do that, you need to know what those things are — and that needs to be discussed well before your wedding day, preferably in the presence of a reputable marriage therapist, counselor, or life coach who can help you to figure out what to do with the intel that the both of you are sharing.
5. Poor Boundaries
GiphyWhen you sign up to become someone’s spouse, your wedding day, in part, is about declaring to everyone that you want to make them the top priority in your life under God himself. And in order to keep anything from affecting that, you need to have some solid boundaries. Boundaries, at the end of the day, are nothing more than limits — and yes, you need to have limits as far as how much your family can know about your relationship, what your friends can and cannot speak on, and what kind of decisions y’all will make that, quite frankly, is no one else’s business…including the internet’s (because A LOT of people out here like to be passive aggressive about their relationship online).
Does it take a village to “raise a marriage?” In some ways, yes. However, when it comes to the vow-taking process, that is between a husband and his wife, and if they are religious, God. No one else made those promises and that means no one else should be as involved or invested as those two (or three) parties are.
Poor boundaries are the cause of so much drama in marriages and honestly, relationships, in general. You do not want to take the approach of, “We’ll figure out what limits we should have as problems present themselves.” Uh-uh. Talk about what your limits should look like ASAP, and make sure that you mutually agree on them too. This point alone can save your marriage more than just about anything else on here.
(P.S. A great book for you to check out isBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships. It’s by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.)
6. Perspectives on Daily Lifestyle
GiphySomething else that I’ve observed while working with married folks (and talking to older couples in Cracker Barrel; believe it or not, the marriage advice in there is top-notch!) is marriages tend to end, not so much because of one “big” thing that happened — it’s more like it’s due to the culmination of a lot of little ones.
Take how a person lives, for instance. I’ve dealt with couples where the wife was appalled by her husband not wiping the toilet seat, and the same husband was disgusted by her dishes being left in the sink overnight. A couple of weeks of this, and it’s whatever. Oh, but let it be some years? You’d be surprised.
It can actually be quite sobering to take a moment to ponder and process that, at least when you sign up for a traditional marriage, you’re signing up to share a home, bed, and life — for the rest of your life. If there are certain things that are super “icks” for you, if there are certain chores that you absolutely hate, if there are little pet peeves like sleeping with the television on or your partner being a morning person when you aren’t — you had better bring all of this stuff up now.
Many people have assumed that love will supersede peace when it comes to daily living. Chile, the reality is that you can love a lot of people who you just can’t live with. Please don’t find that out after taking vows and filling out paperwork. Discuss as much as possible about the day-to-day of how you both move, just as soon as you possibly can.
7. Patterns in Past Relationships
GiphyIn interviews, some folks will ask me what I think about the whole “Does knowing someone’s body count really matter?” debate (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”). As it relates to this particular article, two things: one, check out TIME’s article, “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring,” when you get a chance. Secondly, let’s do it like this: if you were to find out that your boyfriend used to beat up on his girlfriends, but he hasn’t done it in a couple of years, would “That’s in the past” suffice as his rationale? BE HONEST.
No matter how nonchalant our culture chooses to be about sex, how we decide to move in that space is about more than recreation and experiencing orgasms. So yes, knowing about your past in this realm can shed light on your mindset, your perspective, and even some of your patterns — not just your sexual past, but your past, in general.
Anyone who wants to give pushback on that, I’ll just say this: it is human nature to brag about things that we’re proud of. When it comes to your sexual past, if you’re hiding or deflecting concerning it, why is that? And what would make you think that, eventually, the things that you are suppressing won’t somehow come out anyway? Real talk, a great sign that you’re over something or someone is when you can bring it or them up — not when you’re doing everything in your power to avoid it/them.
And when it comes to past relational patterns overall — have you always been the one to do most of the work? Do you tend to flee when things get too challenging? Do you ever stop to think about what you did wrong? Do you tend to handle things with ultimatums? Do you treat relationships as projects? Do you avoid things with sex? Do you not communicate your innermost feelings well?
A pattern is something that you do over and over, oftentimes very naturally. When it comes to the men of your past, what qualifies as a pattern for you? Getting married doesn’t miraculously make those patterns go away. Discussing them can help you to get to the root of those issues and if you need to break some of them on the front end.
8. Media Programming
GiphyA quote that I find myself saying often is by The Doors singer, Jim Morrison: “Whoever controls the media, controls the mind.” There is no way around the fact that media influences and impacts society on some pretty monumental levels (you can read more about thathere,here, andhere) — and so to think that what you take in when it comes to television programs that you view, movies that you watch, books that you read and social media accounts that you follow aren’t affecting you? That is some serious denial that you are in.
Case in point. I have a friend who also works in mental health. Whenever his wife is watching some trash reality television (and boy, is there A TON of it), he says that she is way more touchy to the point of almost being combative than when she isn’t. One time, he instituted a two-week fast from reality television. He said that the first week was rough for her, which caused her to realize that she was way more attached to the shows than she thought. The second week, she was calmer and far more peaceful (her words, not his). Did she totally give reality television up? I mean, we’re all a work in progress, right? LOL. She does watch it less, though, and their marriage is running smoother because of it.
As we close all of this out, definitely an underestimated influence in marriage is the media. Find out what your partner likes and why. See where the two of you are in sync, where you’re not, and what you think the compromises should be. Otherwise, you could end up with someone who is making judgment calls about your relationship based on what some random on TikTok said — you’d be amazed how many people do that. And it’s a damn shame that they do.
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There’s a reason why this article has the title that it does. Getting real — and I mean, really real — about relationships isn’t always the most comfortable thing to do; however, it is beneficial.
And what, after (genuinely) addressing things like this, you find out that you’re not as compatible as you thought? Eh. That doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Either — again, with the help of a marriage expert — figure out how to compromise or, if you ultimately can’t find enough common ground…as I oftentimes say, It’s always better to break up before marriage than divorce after it.
Words to live by. Promise you that.
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