What Happened When 3 Black Girl Travelers Journeyed To South Africa On A $200 Glitch
Many of us dream of going back to the Motherland and having the opportunity to embrace our cultural roots and to see the REAL Africa, not just the carefully curated images that the media feeds us. For three travelers, a trip to the South Africa was available right at their fingertips for less than a fraction of the normal cost.
It was early Christmas morning when a few lucky travelers scrolled through their Twitter feeds and opened their first present: A flight to Johannesburg for less than $200. Although there were other discounted destinations to travel to such as Abu Dhabi and Hong Kong, they couldn't pass up the opportunity to embrace their inner travelistas and jetset to the home of Nelson Mandela.
"At first I was like okay cool Abu Dhabi, since everybody else is getting that one. Then I was like Johannesburg is on my list of places to go," says Natelegé Whaley, a native New Yorker with a passion for travel.
The ladies hopped on their respective flights with Etihad Airways and flew to Abu Dhabi before taking the final nine-hour leg to Johannesburg, but that didn't stop them from hitting the ground running as soon as they landed. With so much activity and culture to take in, it's no wonder that they didn't hit the sheets before exploring the streets! And for those who decided to venture to Cape Town, it was less than a two-hour flight from Johannesburg for around $100.
If you're looking to explore Cape Town and Johannesburg in the near future, don't worry, we've got you covered! We spoke to three ladies who dished out the goods on things to do, what to eat, and where to stay to make the most of your South African experience.
Meet the Globetrotters:
How did you hear about the travel glitch?
Natelegé: So it was Christmas, It was really early in the morning. I had the day off, and I was just up. I'm not always on Twitter so I was just scrolling and I follow Travel Noire, and that's how I saw it. So I saw them re-tweeting people saying they got this trip to Abu Dhabi. So I ignored it, at first, but then I kept seeing it. So I checked it out and it was actually posted on Flightdeals.com, they pretty much had laid out all of the information about how to get it and what website to go to. So I saw it was also one for Johannesburg and there was also some Asian countries. So at first I was like okay cool Abu Dhabi, since everybody else is getting that one. Then I was like Johannesburg is on my list of places to go. So I called my friend, and it was $187 round trip.
Erica: I actually woke up in the middle of the night because I had a crazy dream about Jay-Z and Beyoncé (laughs). So I couldn't go back to sleep, and I started scrolling through Twitter I follow Travel Noire and The Flight Deal and all the different travel bloggers and travel websites, and they were re-tweeting all of these people that were saying that they got a trip to Johannesburg for $178. And I was like, is this real? And then I went to Instagram and I was seeing the same thing. One of the blogs I follow is Rachel Travels and she posted her invoice from where she had gotten the ticket. So I ran downstairs and got my computer and went online and found out it was true.
Tiffany: I just happen to wake up on Christmas and I checked Twitter and I kept seeing a bunch of people say well I'm going to Abu Dhabi for $150, so I said really, what's that all about? And the travel site Travel Noire said if you missed it here it is, it's a big glitch. So I was looking and I'm like Abu Dhabi's nice, Hong Kong ok, but they have one to Johannesburg. And for some reason Johannesburg jumped out to me. So I struggled with it for an hour. I started bouncing ideas off like who am I going to invite, and I eventually said I'm just going to get a ticket and go by myself.
How did you go about planning the trip?
Natelegé: I didn't go until May, so I still had about five months. My friend and I went through Airbnb and got a condo in this new building, and it was pretty cheap. Between her and I we only paid $200 for four nights [in Johannesburg]. And then we went to Cape Town and we stayed there for two nights, which was a little more expensive, but it was still good. I only paid $100 for those two nights.
Erica: Me and my mom went April 15th – 23rd. I travel a lot so I'm used to planning, but I was kind of slack because I was going to Iceland before I went to Africa, so I didn't plan probably until a month and a half before we were to go. I knew we didn't want to stay in Johannesburg the whole time because it's more like a city, so I wanted to feel like I was in Africa. So we went to Johannesburg for a day and then we spent the rest of the time in Cape Town. In Cape Town, we stayed at a really nice hotel down on the waterfront called the Southern Sun.
Tiffany: Travel Noire was super helpful. They had this spreadsheet for everyone who cashed in on the glitch to post where you're going, what time, etc. So I put my information in. I was going in between my birthday. And I just happen to meet another person on there who was going around the same time. So the way that we set it up was we would have these meet-ups, and then she recommended this Facebook group, and it's another thing that helped me to not feel so afraid to go because I was going by myself and it was something that I'd never done before. As far as planning I did the Airbnb, so I stayed with a super sweet host family. They recommended places for me to eat, places for me to go, they even invited me to a dinner party the next night for a couple of their friends that had gotten engaged. The woman that was getting engaged was a food blogger, so when she found out that I was going to Cape Town she gave me a long list of places I had to eat while I was down there. So once I got down there, the host family helped me to plan my time while I was down there, and then as I went to Cape Town, and I booked a hotel that was near the beach.
Guest house Tiffany stayed in while in Johannesburg
What was your first impression of South Africa?
Natelegé: When we got into the area we stayed, it's an area where they are building up these condos. And a few blocks away, there were people squatting in old abandoned office buildings. When we did get there and we were driving up to the building we were passing some areas that looked really questionable. We were like. is everything okay over here? And then we pulled up to the building we were staying in and it was white people sitting having dinner at the restaurant and I was like, what's going on here?" I question these things anywhere I go, just how the poverty lines are, even Africa, look who's doing well. So I was excited to be in the Motherland, but it was kind of overwhelming.
Tiffany: I know it sounds cliché but it was amazing to be there, like Nelson Mandela was on all of the local currency, which I think is a super powerful statement. I don't know…it felt like I had went home. Everyone saw me like “oh my sister, my sister" but they genuinely meant it. And it just felt like I was amongst family. Flying into Cape Town was beautiful because you really feel like you're at the end of the Earth, I guess because of the ocean and the water, but you also see a lot of townships, which is a nice term to say ghetto. So you see that flying in as well.
What activities did you do while you were there?
Natelegé: The night we arrived we went to a jazz club. A friend of a friend connected us with this musician, so he invited us out. Literally as soon as we got there we changed our clothes and went out—it was called The Orbit, and it was cool, we had dinner, we had wine, everything was super cheap. The next day we stayed local and just walked around Maubane because there's a lot of stuff to do over there and they have a lot of restaurants, art galleries and little boutiques. The following day we got on a Red Bus Tour and we went around Johannesburg, and then there was a second tour part to it where you got off in Soweto and went to a museum, and then we walked to Mandela's family house—the first house he lived in with his family and it's a museum now. Later we met up with the musician friend in a part called Marshalltown, which is more in the city. We went to some bars—Johannesburg's clubs are open until 4AM, so we went into this lounge and it was more of a younger scene. And then we got up early the next morning and went to Cape Town, and as soon as we got into Cape Town we went to Table Mountain. The last day we got on a boat and went to the island where Mandela was in prison [Robben Island].
Erica: In Johannesburg, we only really got to go around and see a little bit and then we went to Mandela Square. The majority of the time was spent in Cape Town. We went on the Table Mountain tour the first morning we were there and that was like half a day and then we went on a winery tour that afternoon. That was a private tour so it was just us, which was really nice. We also went to Robben Island.
Tiffany: I mostly just ate food and did as much sightseeing as I could. In Johannesburg I stayed in this town called Melville, which is basically like it's one of their up-and-coming cities. They kind of describe it as a hipster city, so I was kind of around there a lot. I didn't travel too far out of Johannesburg, but I did hang out with the locals. The guy at the café knew who I was after the first day, so it kind of treated me like I had been living there or just moved. In Cape Town I did pretty much the same thing. I went to a place called the Old Biscuit Mill, which is a very popular place to go on Saturday mornings especially. They have an open market and they have vendors that sell food, and jewelry and clothes, and live music. And then that Sunday I went zip-lining in Table Mountain.
Erica and mom at the Cape of Good Hope.
So what about the local food?
Natelegé: Johannesburg is so capitalized. That city has everything that we have here. It's kind of hard to find traditional South African food. I did have Ostrich. I also had something like Shepherd's Pie but it had some sort of game in it. A lot of what we ate was good! All the food I ate tasted good. Even if it was non-South African, it was still good. I think I had fish and greens, and I don't think I paid more than $10 for it. I felt like I was in a normal restaurant. In New York I would pay $15 or $20 dollars. We probably spent $20 dollars total.
Erica: Oh yes! We ate a lot because I love the food, so I wanted to try a lot of difference things. We stayed by the waterfront in Cape Town, but we ate at a lot of restaurants near the waterfront. The first night we went to a place that was known for South African food. And I had some type of curry chicken. Whatever I had it was good. We also went to an ostrich farm while we were there, and I actually did eat ostrich twice: I had ostrich burger and I had an ostrich filet, like a filet mignon and it was really good. It tasted kind of like bison to me. It was a little gamey, but it was good. Since it's a bird I thought it would taste more like chicken, but it was more beef like.
Tiffany: In Cape Town yes, I believe I did. Their specialty was grilled ostrich, so I actually had grilled ostrich my first night in Cape Town. It's like a red meat, but it was really, really good. The next night I went to the The Test Kitchen. It's a French type of restaurant, but it was revered as one of the best restaurants in the word. That food was really good.
Natelegé and friend visit the Soweto township to see Mandela's house.
Going there, did you feel like you were in Africa?
Natalegé: I definitely felt like I was in Africa, only because it gives a different feel, when I had to leave I was getting sad because it felt like I didn't even scratch the surface of both cities. I also felt like I wanted to get to know our people more. And see what they thought about what it means to be South African. The thing about South Africa is that it's a lot of people who moved there from other parts of the continent. I met people that came from Ghana, and Nigeria, Malawi—all other parts. It's like how everyone wants to move to New York, everyone there wants to move to Johannesburg. Because that is where opportunity is.
Erica: In Johannesburg, even though it was more city-like, there were more black people. When we were in Cape Town we saw hardly any black people at all. The hotel workers, they were black. But as far as the tour we went on, we were the only black people. There were a lot of Australians because the Queen Mary cruise ships. But even still we didn't see any black people until we went in to the city of Cape Town to go to the market. Cape Town was very diverse. There are white South Africans, there are a lot of Indonesians—so there were a lot of different people there, which is good, but you won't really feel like you're in Africa if you stay by the waterfront and in the nicer parts of Cape Town. So yeah if you want the more African experience you'd have to stay more in the city center and in Johannesburg.
Were there any memories that stood out to you?
Natelegé: Cape Town was like Miami Beach or Venice Beach. It's by the water so its way more laid back, its way more chill. You could see where development was happening. Apparently nothing is open in the area we were at on a Sunday nigh, and we were staying in Green Market Square. We went into the hotel and they were like there's really nothing open over here. And we walked and found KFC was open. We ran to the corner store at one point to get drinks and this guy had Tupac blasting from his phone. And it was like I was back in Brooklyn.
Erica: There wasn't a lot of talk about apartheid and all of that except for one of our tour guides, he was Indonesian and the morning that we did the tour to Table Mountain we did a city tour too so we went to like one of the museums and we went through the cities and he was telling us about the different buildings and all of that and you could tell that he was passionate about talking about apartheid because he grew up in it and he was a part of the fight. He said he was a part of a protest where he had a rubber bullet shot at him and rocks thrown at him, so he would bring it back to the racial part of it but the people on the tour no one cared because they were from Australia so they could care less so it was interesting to me. That was very weird because I knew that Cape Town was diverse, but I didn't expect it to be like that
Tiffany's host family: Kathleen and her husband, Joey.
Tiffany: I think the biggest thing for me was the host family when they had the engagement party. [My host] remembered it was my birthday, so she went out and got me a cake and was like we are having dinner, come on, come through. She works in this women's organization so she's real powerful feminist. And it was interesting to talk to her about world events. They knew about Michael Brown and Freddie Gray, and they knew a lot about what was going on in America, and I kind of felt bad that I didn't know anything past apartheid in South Africa. So I didn't understand how their lives had changed post Apartheid because it wasn't that long ago. But just being around them and hearing their love stories, how they met, it just felt like being old friends. And I really enjoyed that part of it. Like I never wanted to go to Johannesburg or Cape Town and be like a tourist and stick out. I always kind of wanted to blend in with what people are doing and I felt like I was able to do that.
Did it make you want to travel more? Are there any more cool trips that you're taking this year?
Natelegé: I plan on going back next year and staying maybe two months. I met this blogger out there and he has his own website. I feel like there's more people out there like him, and I want to meet those people and immerse myself more with what's going on out there, and find a way to connect people here to there just so when you want to go to Johannesburg or an anyone wants to go there I can say I know people there. I definitely want to go back there and other parts of Africa down the line.
Erica: I just went to Aruba last month. This weekend I'm going to Belize, and I'm going to Dubai in October. So that's my next big trip. I'd also like to do Portugal and Morocco.
Tiffany: My next destination I hope to go to Thailand or to Marrakech, Morocco. I knew once I did this it was no going back for me. I want to be able to travel more because my biggest hang up was that I couldn't do it because I couldn't afford it, and I couldn't take the time off of work. And I was able to do both. So for me the trip was a no more excuses kind of trip.
Inquiring minds want to know, how do you find all of these travel glitches?
Erica: I follow all of the travel sites on Twitter and Instagram. So, I follow The Flight Deal, Travel Noire, Secret Flyer, and Airfare Watchdog. And I follow a lot of travel bloggers.
Tiffany: I follow The Flight Deal on Twitter, and I'm definitely a part of the Travel Noire District, so anything Travel Noire I'm paying attention.
Originally published August 29, 2016
Featured image by Shutterstock
A Cosmic Guide To Love In 2025: What The Stars Have In Store For Your Heart
The most important lesson we are learning about love in 2025 is change. Many major Astrological transits are happening this year, and these will last for years to come. As we walk through this new year, we are being asked to let go of the things we can’t control, and give more grace to the things we can. This is a year of a new perspective on love, finding gratitude in the little things, and watching as the universe supports us and the dreams we build for ourselves here.
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your 2025 Love Life?
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Featured image by Anchiy/Getty Images
New year, new dating style. Courtesy of a former sugar baby.
Being a sugar baby had its (obvious) perks, but the most significant ones didn’t center around the material benefits. To date, I have a bigger appreciation for the lessons I’ve learned and applied them to my dating life.
Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
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