Over the last year, I have been more intentional about my spiritual journey, which led me to develop a self-care practice. Every morning I would meditate, read Scripture, and work out. I would also make time to read self-help/ inspirational books to learn more about myself and the woman I want to be. My self-care practices had become so important to me that I even made it a part of my writing business, The Posh Writer. But little did I know that it would all come to a halt.
After a somewhat uncomfortable conversation I had with a guy that I had been entertaining for a while, I felt something was off with myself. Why did I feel the need to force things? Why must I always have to be in control? Well, I decided that it was time to try energy cleansing.
To sum it up, energy cleansing is when you remove blockages that may keep your energy from flowing throughout your body. In my experience, I went to a Black-owned wellness studio in Atlanta and worked with an energy practitioner who used sound healing and crystals to rebalance my chakras. After the process, she recommended some affirmations, crystals, and some new self-care practices, such as journaling, to incorporate into my routine.
While the actual energy cleansing was a beautiful experience, for me, the real eye-opener was afterward as I began having revelations about myself that left me stunned. However, one of the things that it taught me was the importance of changing up your self-care routine every now and then. Below, I listed three signs to look for when your self-care routine is no longer working.
Anxiety
I’ve always dealt with anxiety, but over the last couple of months, it was coming out in ways that I didn’t always expect. I would have days where I would get so overwhelmed and emotional out of the blue, and then I would get anxious about dating. (I later realized that I also deal with anxious attachment, but that’s another story for another time.) My energy practitioner suggested that I do some meditation that focuses on my root chakra.
Muladhara aka root chakra is the first chakra in the body and it's located at the base of the spine. It represents grounding and stability. She also gave me a journal prompt to use, and I ended up buying their frankincense essential oil roll-on as aromatherapy that helps with anxiety.
Routine Ain’t Routine-ing Anymore
I’ll admit, my routine did become a bit…routine. I began to find my mind wandering off a lot during meditation, and a lot of times, I didn’t even bother to refocus. I use the audio version of the Bible, so when I was reading, I wasn’t always paying attention. Everything had become so mundane and ineffective, and it was like I was in a daze for a long time and didn’t realize it. However, I am glad that I woke up out of the daze. One of the new things that I have incorporated into my self-care routine, which usually takes place in the morning, is saying affirmations.
The energy practitioner gave me an affirmation to use, and I also found others that I like, such as the Feminine Energy Morning Affirmations on YouTube.
Reverting Back To Old Habits
I started my spiritual journey last year and had already begun seeing some positive changes. However, because my routine had become stagnated, some old patterns began to creep back into my life. One of those patterns was my need for control. Not having control leads to anxiety, and the next thing I know, I’m left questioning what is wrong with me. The fear of not being in control (inability to let go) is also related to the root chakra.
Some of the other self-care suggestions by the energy practitioner were to get massages, do grounded yoga or hot yoga, and listen to binaural beats, which is the music that is generally used during meditation.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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