A couple of weeks ago, while in an interview, someone asked me one of those "pageant questions"—you know, like "What do you wish for the world?" My answer? It wasn't world peace. As someone who works with married couples, many of which who have some of the worst sex lives that I've ever seen (well, not seen but you know what I mean), I said, "I wish more people would make having a fulfilling sex life more of a priority than they tend to do." Sex, especially when you're in a long-term committed relationship, is important. It speaks volumes to the level of intimacy, connection and desire two people have for one another. It also reminds us that we were created to be sexual beings so, just like we need to be "good" in other areas of our lives, we need to be satisfied sexually as well.
That's why, there was no way that I could let 2020 arrive without at least encouraging y'all to set some sex goals for the year ahead. Things that will make you have sex more often, things that will bring you and yours closer together—things that will make you see sex as being just as important as all of the other things that you've got on your to-do list. Are you ready to make 2020 the year when you have the best sex—EVER? Let's do this.
Sex Goals You & Your Partner Need For A Better Sex Life
1. Extend the Foreplay
The late comedian Joan Rivers once said, "Women don't blink during foreplay…there's not enough time." That's funny but you know what they say—there's truth in all humor. Along these lines, another truth that should be stated is a partner who isn't into foreplay is a partner who could stand to become a better lover. Just like good food prep makes for a better meal, good foreplay makes for a far more pleasurable sexual experience.
In 2020, be intentional about turning foreplay into a real art form. Flirt over the phone and text throughout the day. Give each other sensual massages with some aphrodisiac essential oils. Do strip teases. Incorporate "sex condiments" like honey and syrup (which are even better when some sweet almond oil is mixed in and warmed up first). Set the right ambiance. Explore uncommon erogenous zones. Strongly consider saying "grace" first like model Ashley Graham and her husband do (if you consider sex to be a spiritual act, that shouldn't freak you out in the least). Tell each other your fantasies. Kiss—passionately and a lot. TAKE. YOUR. TIME. A Kinky Quotes quote that I like is, "When you go from foreplay to sex and back…over and over." Make that a mantra for your sex life this year and I promise you, there will be absolutely no regrets.
2. Start a “New Position of the Week” Private Club
According to one site that I checked out, there are approximately 245 different sex positions. This means that if you tried one position a day, it would take about nine months to knock 'em all out. According to certain studies, so long as you and yours are gettin' it in once a week, you should be all good.
My advice would be to shoot for having sex, one day a week more than you currently do. While you're in the process of doing that, at least one of those times, test out a new position.
Hey, a lot of couples say that boredom is one of their greatest sexual challenges; if you know that some never-been-attempted-before action is always on the horizon, this should curb that issue. At least a little bit.
3. Schedule Sex (If You Tend to Have It Less than Once a Week)
Whenever I'm dealing with a couple who tells me something along the lines of, "Girl, we looked up one day and realized that we haven't had any in weeks", my first question is usually, "Why?" If they tell me that the sex is good, they just don't seem to have time, my follow-up is, "Why don't you create a sex schedule?" Sometimes they'll frown at the thought of how "not romantic" that is but the way I see it, I'd rather have orgasms with a little less spontaneity than be sexually pissed because I'm waiting for some Hallmark moment to transpire.
Besides, scheduling sex is all about perspective. While on one hand, it can come off as being rigid and planned, it can also give you and yours some much-needed quality time to look forward to. Knowing that Tuesday nights (for instance) are marked on your calendar, that could be all that you need to go from being sexless to being sexually satisfied.
4. Get a New Piece of Lingerie a Month Too
It's interesting because, while a lot of women would never give someone a present that wasn't wrapped first, they don't get what the big deal is about lingerie. To me, it's the same concept. Every woman is a gift and dressing that gift up makes the sexual experience that much more exciting—to the giver and the receiver. For one thing, it encourages the art of seduction (there really is something sensual about slowing taking off your clothes or slowly having them taken off). Also, it tends to bring in the element of surprise. I really can't tell y'all how many husbands are resentful about how much effort their wives take into going out while coming to bed looking a hot mess.
One way to change that in the new year is to create your own "Lingerie of the Month" club. One month, you can purchase something, the next month, your man can purchase something for you. And what about him? I mean, what do you like to see him in? Add that to the monthly list as well. You also might want to invest in some Manscaped. Let KevOnStage tell it (here at the 20:00 mark), it's brought new life to his, umm, testicles. Clearly, it's all the rage because comedian Big Jahh recently did a skit about it too.
Something else that's cool is to get him something from Hawthorne. I learned about it from the guys over atDam Internet, You Scary (around the 21:00 mark). Apparently, your man can answer some questions on the site and get some cologne, body wash or other smell good customized for him. A good smelling man is erotic AF. Whew…let me reel it back in. Anyway, use their code DIYS and receive 10 percent off of your first order.
5. Put a Sex Bucket List Together
So, according to the website BucketList.net, there are at least 10 benefits that come from creating bucket lists; five of them include—they excite us, motivate us, makes us more interesting, keeps us active and, my personal favorite, force us to figure out what we really want. I don't know about you, but that sounds like some really good reasons to come up with a customized 2020 sex bucket list.
As far as what you should put on there, the possibilities run the gamut. Some ideas may include—going on a country-wide hotel tour; having oral sex in a public place; writing an erotic story together; being naked for an entire day (together, of course); joining the mile high club; going skinny dipping; having sex for 30 days straight; mastering multiple orgasms; seeing how many times you can have sex in one weekend, and/or taking a sensual massage class.
Again, the ideas are totally up to you, but if you want to avoid the rut of ho-hum sex, one way to do that is to come up with a list that will keep you on your toes—well, rather on your back (or him on his).
6. Get More Morning Sex In
One of the benefits of being a marriage life coach is I'm able to gain true pearls of wisdom that I probably wouldn't hear any other way. One of my favorites comes from a wife of over three decades that has her hubby's co-sign—"A little head in the morning makes everything alright. The bills don't stress you out as much. The kids are a little less on your nerves. You're just in a zen frame of mind." Again, she's been married for over 30 years at this point, so why not take what she said to heart? Whether it's oral sex or full-on intercourse, morning sex can give you more energy, make you more productive throughout the day, and definitely keep your cortisol levels down. So yeah, get your partner a blank greeting card and write in it that you are committing to participating in morning sex more often. You might be surprised by how much brighter your world becomes if/when you do.
7. Have One Sexcation a Season
There are some married people I know who haven't gone on a romantic vacation since their honeymoon. Not only that but, whether it was due to their limited budget or not being able to schedule enough time away, even that wasn't really all that they dreamed it would be. If you are someone who is shaking your head in agreement because you can totally relate, seize the day and plan some sexcations for the upcoming year. These are NOT to be mistaken for family trips where you try and sneak a quickie in before the kids get up. These are vacations that are devoted to NOTHING BUT SEX. This means you need to research a sexy hotel, Airbnb, vacation house or resort. You need to set at least a weekend aside. And you need to rest up before you go because, again, this isn't about sleeping and ordering room service the entire time. It's all about reconnecting, sexually—no more, no less.
Oh, and why not literally swing for the fences—and by that, I mean bedposts—by not scheduling just one sexcation? Instead, plan out one for each season. Hey, there are 52 weeks in a year. Surely, with some forethought and budgeting, four of those can be reserved for your sex life. If it's a priority, that is. In 2020, let's make sure that it is.
8. Affirm Each Other’s Bodies, AS IS, More Often
Earlier this year, while spending some time on one of my favorite shopping sites (Etsy), I peeped a sweatshirt that I plan on purchasing—"Start a Revolution. Stop Hating Your Body". I can't tell you how many women have told me that they hate having sex with the lights on (even though their partner loves it) because they are insecure about their body (or body type). There have also been quite a few men who've told me that they don't initiate as much as they used to because they don't feel as virile as they used to due to some of the extra poundage (weight) that they've put on over the years. If you check out the article "What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?" on our site, you'll see that the way a person looks isn't really on the list. Sexual compatibility is about energy, desire and connecting on both a mental as well as emotional level.
I agree with what Lamman Rucker's character told Jill Scott's character in Why Did I Get Married? He said, "If you don't like your body, change it." But don't cause your sex life—and ultimately your relationship—to suffer, simply because you are self-conscious about your breasts that aren't as perky as they used to be (ladies) or the love handles that may be in abundance (fellas).
And couples, if you know that your partner is not currently comfortable with their bodies, implement the Golden Rule and treat them how you'd want to be treated. Focus on what you do love—and lust. Although some of us are drawn to words of affirmation more than others, it can never hurt to receive compliments from the one we're most intimate with. Words to live by, that's for sure.
9. Openly Discuss a Sex Wound—Then Strive to Heal It
There's a woman I know who has been married for almost forty years at this point who has a less than fulfilling sex life. A big part of the reason why is because she was sexually assaulted in college yet has never told her husband. I can only imagine how freeing it would be for her and how much it would connect the dots for him if she revealed that bit of information.
My point? According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lifetime, and one in three women and one in six men will experience some type of sexual violence. As someone who has been sexually molested and assaulted, I know firsthand that if you don't process and heal the pain that is associated with these types of violations, it will have a direct reflection on your relationship—and your sex life.
If there is something that you are holding back from your partner—whether it's a childhood memory, something that happened in college or something else sexually-related that you know has caused you to build up a wall or be afraid to trust your partner fully, decide that 2020 will be the year that you will be open, honest and real with them. The best sex starts with intimacy and authentic intimacy is strong when there is a solid emotional connection at the root of it all.
10. Climax. EVERY TIME.
Uh-huh. See, this is what we ain't gonna do this year. We ain't gonna be content until as many of our readers as possible are resolved to not fake orgasms or to concede to not having orgasms at all. Orgasms release stress. Orgasms bring "feel good hormones" into your system. Orgasms make you feel closer to your partner. Orgasms are the total bomb.
If you've been struggling in this area, mere words cannot express how much we got you, starting with "This Is How You Master The Female Orgasm", "Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream" and "How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time". Then spend some time sharing with your partner how vital climaxing is to you. If he's a good man and lover, it will be just as, if not more, important to him. Setting the goal to make you cum and then for you to cum each and every time—at the very least will make you feel sexy, relished and a part of something that has your best interest at heart.
A lot of women don't orgasm every time because it's not a goal. Make it one and watch how happy your yoni becomes. Start now and watch how 2020 blows your mind. Setting and reaching sex goals always do. #wink
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This.
Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?
These Steamy Positions Will Reinvigorate Your Sex Life
10 Things Couples Who (Consistently) Have Great Sex Do
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RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
