It truly never fails. At the turn of every new year, there are dating terms that make their way into cyberspace. Each year, there are always a few whose names tickle me. There are also a couple that end up having me like, "Man, I wish there was a name for that when I was in college." (Like weaseling, which I'll get to in just a sec.)
As far as some of the most popular dating trends for 2020 go, I must admit that they're more cautionary tales than anything. If you're able to recognize them very early on, they can prevent you from becoming so jaded that you find yourself swearing off dating for the rest of the year. Are you ready to see what kind of foolishness folks are plotting in this new decade of ours? Brace yourself. Some of them are real doozies.
2020 Dating Trends To Look Out For
1.Dial-Toning
This is one that I've never really understood. I mean, if you're not interested in someone, why give them your number at all? Yet dial-toning is right up there at the top of the list of what will be big dating trends in the new year. It's not when you ghost someone. It's when you give someone your contact info and then never respond to their calls. Not only is this pretty cowardly (because again, if you're not interested, just say that…in a nice way, of course), it also is a huge waste of everyone's time. Better to say, "Thanks, but no thanks" on the front end than to make it harder on the next girl that ole' boy approaches all because he can't shake how you gave him the impression that you were interested when actually…you weren't.
2.Weaseling
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Talk about being passive-freakin'-aggressive. I think that just about any woman can relate to weasels—I mean, weaseling. Picture it: You break up with someone, you take the time that you need to heal (good for you), and right when you've started getting used to going at least a few days without thinking about your ex, here he comes liking your Instagram pics again. Anyone who does this knows exactly what they are doing—trying to get back into your head, heart and, quite possibly your bed.
I don't like weaseling because if we are not together and you want my attention again, you should go with a bolder gesture than commenting on social media. But, that's just me. Anyway, if you happen to notice this going down all of a sudden, before you get too excited, just remember that they don't call it "weaseling" for nothin'.
3.Leapfrogging
So, a guy I know once told me that he used to make a habit of having sex with women he wasn't even remotely attracted to. Why would someone do something crazy like that? According to him, the "ugly girl" (his words, not mine) would be so grateful for his, uh, time that she would run and tell all of the women he was interested in how good he was—and that would make "bagging them" (again, his words not mine) so much easier to do. Unfortunately, that's not as uncommon as you might think. In fact, there is a whole word for it: leapfrogging, which is when you connect with one person in order to ultimately connect with someone else.
I will admit that the guy I told you about is partaking in the savage 2.0 version of leapfrogging. Oftentimes, this happens more with online dating than anything else. You know, like when someone sees a group shot and might reach out to you, making you believe they are interested, when really, they want to get to know the woman to your left in the picture. Either way, leapfrogging can be the worse, so make sure to keep your Spidey senses up when meeting someone new—whether it's online or off.
4.Exoskeletoning
Y'all, please tell me you ain't never been this chick. SMDH. Exoskeletoning is what happens when an ex is semi-stalking. They aren't wasting their time, effort, and cyber skills on their ex but the current partner of their ex. If you're currently seeing someone new and a random friend request pops up from someone you don't know or, all of a sudden, you feel like you are being gaslit by an online troll, it might not be random. It could very well be some bitter woman exoskeletoning you. Proceed with caution. Ask the guy you're seeing if he recognizes ole' girl, too.
5.Kanye’d
I know some of y'all are hyped that Kanye appears to have become this super Christian and everything, but anyone who converts and then says he wants to call himself "Christian Genius Billionaire" is someone I think could stand to take some more Bible classes, especially on humility. (Check Luke 14:11). But I digress. I will say this—no one is as consistently inconsistent as Kanye and, if there's one thing we can be certain of, it's that he doesn't hold his tongue…ever.
That said, can you guess what being "Kanye'd" means? It's literally when you're on a date with someone and you can't get a word in because they are flapping their jaws, non-stop, the entire time. Be careful because this tends to be a sign of a potential narcissist which makes the dating term even more fitting. But again…I digress.
6.Eclipsing
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Healthy relationships require compromise. Of course, they do. But if your definition of compromising is acting like you love things that you don't even like, what you may be participating in is a dating trend known as eclipsing.
Yep, it's basically when you start to date someone and, in order to appear as if the two of you are truly compatible, you act like you enjoy the same things that they do, even when you don't.
Remember the old school movieRoxanne (Steve Martin, Daryl Hannah)? When a man gets another man to tell him what to say to win over a woman, you know that doesn't really work in your favor. It's living a lie which is ultimately a total waste of your time—and his. Don't do it. It ain't worth it.
7.White Clawing
This past fall, I wrote "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner" which fits pretty well when it comes to another dating trend called "white clawing". It's when you stay with someone who you're not mentally, emotionally or spiritually stimulated by but, still, you keep them around because they are physically attractive and appealing. I've done this a few times. The big problem with white clawing is the more you self-evolve, the more you want someone who checks all of your boxes.
Men who can ring your bell in all categories do exist, however, you won't be able to see them if you're holding on too tightly to nothing but looks, though. Just something to think about.
8.Cause-Playing
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If any of these dating trends triggered me, I must admit that it's this one right here. There is a particular man from my past who is utterly notorious when it comes to cause-playing. What in the world is that?
It's when you break things off with someone, but they try and find a way back into your good graces by asking for a favor or even to participate in something that appears altruistic like donating to a cause that they are a part of.
To me, it's the nicer form of weaseling because I'm still over here like, "Dude, if you want to reconnect, just say that. Spare me all of these GoFundMe links." It's a new year. I'll probably actually say that if he pulls that stunt again (and knowing him, he will).
9.Vampiring
Let me just put it right on out there—vampiring is nothing more than a booty call. It's literally all about folks who only hit you up during the "witching hours" (which legend claims is typically somewhere around 3 a.m, though I'm not sure which time zone). Unless a guy is overseas and hours ahead (or behind) you or there's some type of life-altering emergency going down, there really is no reason for a man to hit you up past midnight "just to talk". You're grown, so if booty calls are your thing, do you. But if that's the only time you're getting hit up, please don't romanticize what's going on. He wants to hit or, at the very least, discuss hittin'. Otherwise, he'd call you during normal interaction hours, not when so-called vampires are roaming the streets.
10. Fleabagging
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OK, I thought "settling" was enough of a wake-up call, but it seems like some of us require more of a punch to the gut. If you're out here fleabagging, you're dating someone who you know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, is totally wrong for you. (See "Why We Love Men Who Are Absolutely No Good For Us" and "My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'"). While I'm not totally sure what that has to do with fleabags, I do know that with the definitions of the word using other words like "run-down" and "cheap", that's enough to make me turn up my nose and want to avoid putting myself in a fleabagging dating scenario at all costs. I hope you are on your monitor or smartphone shaking your head and saying, "Same sis. Same."
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?
Why Having A 'Frozen Five' Is The Ultimate Dating Game-Changer
This Is What You Can Get Out Of A BAD Date
The Best And Worst Traits Of Men To Date By Their Zodiac Sign
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You know, sometimes, when I go back and look at some of the articles that I’ve penned for the platform before, I truly can’t believe how fast time flies. Take the piece, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” — now, how in the world did it turn five this year? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. And although the piece does address some key points — like the fact that there is somewhat of a difference between being spiritual and being religious (although more people should read James 1:27 in order to understand how the Bible defines religion to be…it just might surprise them) — I want to explore a deeper angle of our spirituality, along with what we should require of it.
Today, let’s look at spirituality from the perspective of “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things,” “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…” (Murray and Zentner) and, perhaps, more than anything else, “the relationship between ourselves and something larger."
You know, it’s a woman by the name of Dr. Maya Spencer who once said, “Spirituality means knowing that our lives have significance in a context beyond a mundane everyday existence at the level of biological needs that drive selfishness and aggression. It means knowing that we are a significant part of a purposeful unfolding of Life in our universe.” Indeed.
And while keeping that in mind, if this is a time of your life when you would like to “clean or cleanse your spirituality” by doing things like removing negative energy, getting rid of old or counterproductive patterns and/or by stepping into an elevated space as far as your human spirit and soul are concerned, you might be pleasantly surprised by how easy and even fun that can be for you to do.
To effectively clean/cleanse your spirit, start by asking — and answering — the following five spirituality-focused questions:
What Inspires You?
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Remember how, in the intro, I shared that one definition of spirituality is “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…”? That is actually where I am pulling a lot of these questions from because, the reality is that focusing on things that inspire you, intentionally pondering your purpose, and also by encouraging yourself to become an overall better human being — these things definitely tie into your spiritual side whether you are “traditionally religious” or not.
And so, when it comes to cleansing your spirituality in this season, a great question to start off with is what actually inspires you? And listen, believe it or not, inspire is a pretty layered word. I say that because, while one definition is “to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.),” another is “to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence,” while synonyms of the word include excite, affect, cause, motivate, provoke, and instill. This means that if you truly want to say or do things from a place of inspiration, you need to produce things from a divine or supernatural space (interesting, right?).
The reason why it’s so important to “spring clean” in this department is, oftentimes you can be motivated or provoked by things that aren’t really all that good, healthy and/or beneficial for you (social media fast, anyone?) — things that take your mind off of what’s divine — sacred, godly and extremely good. As a result, you find yourself producing out of a mind and heart space that is compromised when it comes to your core standards, values, and even goals.
So yes, in the effort to cleanse your spirituality, begin by really reflecting on what you claim inspires you — then revisit what the word actually means…just to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about whether something or one is truly inspiring you…or not.
What Amplifies Your Purpose?
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Purpose is always something that is going to be a pretty big deal to me. That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” “The Conversation You Need To Have With Yourself Before The New Year Begins,” “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'” and “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose.” It’s because really, if you’re not focused, most of all, on the reason why you exist in the first place, nothing else is going to be fully, truly, and authentically fulfilling for you.
So, when it comes to this part of your spirituality, first take some time to make sure that you know what your purpose is. If you have no clue and you’re ready to find out, as a wise person once said, wisdom comes in the questions, even more than the answers, and Rockwood Leadership Institute has a whopping 132 questions that you can ask yourself in order to get to the root of what your purpose is here. On the flip side, if you do know and you’re just not feeling completely satisfied in what you are currently doing as it relates to executing your purpose, it sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a “purpose growth spurt,” and yes, there is such a thing.
For instance, I am very clear on what my purpose in life is — I am here to teach what I study and research about when it comes to the topics of covenant marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath. All are covenant principles that have been unbelievably compromised in a thousand different ways. However, as I evolve, transform, and mature, my understanding of what I know does as well, and that “upgrades” how I approach and share my purpose with others. You see, purpose is never supposed to be stagnant…it is ever-shifting as far as how you accomplish things within it.
And that’s why, spiritually, it’s so important that you make sure that you are AMPLIFYING YOUR PURPOSE. To amplify is “to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.” If you are not putting forth the effort to do just this, there is some spiritual cleansing that must be done because, if there is one thing about a person’s purpose, it’s the fact that it’s HUGE which means that there will always be plenty to do within it until their time on this earth ends.
What Makes You Love Better…and More?
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that a show that I loathe with every fiber of my being (and there really is so much to choose from these days — SMDH) is TV One’s For My Man. Not only is it a program that discourages full-level accountability, but it irks me to no end every time that it says that a woman did some heinous crime in the name of love. According to Scripture, GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:8&16). Not only that, but the Love Chapter in Scripture has a very healthy, sane, and mature take on how we should love and require love in return (I’m going to share two translations of I Corinthians 13:4-8 for expanded context):
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (I Corinthians 13 — Message)
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” (I Corinthians 13 — AMPC)
Now, think about what you see displayed on television when it comes to relationships. Based on these verses, is it love? Is it really? Ponder all of the relationship content that’s on social media. Does it sound like this kind of love? Does it really? The times when you’ve done things that you know were purely rooted in selfishness, impatience, and/or refusing to do for others what you would want them to do for you — how can any of that be loving? If you do believe in God and you also believe that you were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), this means that a part of your own spiritual DNA is love. This also means that if you know that your love has been tainted by material or physical things (which, by definition, is the opposite of spirituality), it’s time to make some real adjustments.
That said, take some time, think about the people and things that you profess to love, and ask yourself if it’s really love or is it lust or entitlement or immaturity. Then ask yourself what you can do to love those individuals and items better.
Remember, since you are made from Love, it’s important that you love like you are.
How Effective Are You When It Comes to Compassion?
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Personally, I think that whenever someone does something reckless and then follows up with the Bible says not to judge, I find it to be a supreme level of gaslighting. The context of that verse is saying that in the way that you judge, you will be judged and that you should make sure that you are right in the area that you are judging before you judge someone else (Matthew 7:1-5); however, be clear that judgment is a form of accountability which is why there are also verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that exist — not to mention the fact that discernment literally means “keen judgment” and the Good Book supremely promotes that: “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; rebuke one who has understanding, and hewill discern knowledge.” (Proverbs 19:25 — NKJV)
And that’s why, any time the topic of “don’t judge” comes up, I am known for saying something along the lines of, “PUH-LEEZE. If I say ‘You’re cute,’ I just judged you. Humans don’t have a problem with judgment; they don’t like criticism or accountability.” And gee, is that unfortunate because it’s hard to grow without both of those things. However, the key that comes with being on the giving end of criticism or holding someone accountable is applying a quote by author Anne McCaffrey: “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
This world has a lot of…stuff going on, stuff that needs to be addressed and stuff that needs compassion applied while it is. By definition, compassion is about having concern for others, especially if what you see them going through, they have either told you or you can discern is tied to some level of internal suffering. And that’s why, in the spirit of spiritual cleansing, something else to ask is if you are holding others and even yourself accountable while operating from a place of genuine care and concern or is your ego just wanting to elevate itself or prove that it’s right?
You know, we’re living in a time when, more and more, people are frowning on humility which is unfortunate because a definite quality that comes with being a compassionate person is absolutely that — “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
It really is almost impossible to be profoundly spiritual without being a compassionate person. Is this an area that needs some “cleaning up”? If so, there is no time like the present.
What Encourages You to Be Wiser and Full of More Truth?
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Musician Jimi Hendrix once said, “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.” Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." Thomas Jefferson once said, “The wisest men know their weakness.” Author Gift Gugu Mona once said, “A woman of peace is a wise woman who understands that peace is more powerful than trying to prove a point.”
And what does it mean to be wise?
People who can regulate their emotions are wise. People who actually learn from their experiences (and the experiences of others, so that they don’t have to experience everything) are wise. People who know how to tame their ego are wise. People who are flexible/adaptable, non-materialistic, are self-aware, can be relied upon for great perspectives and insights, and are teachable are wise. The self-disciplined are wise. The patient are wise. The non-entitled are wise. Those who prioritize well are wise.
Those who do not live above their means (across the board), they are also wise. And there is no way that you can be wise without being willing to be completely honest, yes truthful with yourself about where you could stand to gain more wisdom and what must be done — and sometimes sacrificed — in order to get it.
And so, as I close this piece out, when it comes to spring cleaning your spirituality, ask yourself who and what encourages and enables you to become a wiser individual — AND who and what hinders that from transpiring. Then be honest with yourself about what is challenging you for the better and what, frankly, is only dumbing you down. Indeed, in order to live out the full potential of your spirituality, wisdom must come into play. However, it’s important to keep in mind that, for wisdom to truly flourish, it is a conscious choice — a daily decision.
And it will never come so long as you are making up excuses, justifying poor behavior (check out “Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'”) or lying to yourself about what needs to be done. Taking those approaches to life is literally the opposite of being wise.
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I can only imagine how much the quality of our lives would improve if we took that in on a very serious level.
The good news is you can choose to do it — right here and right now.
See yourself as a spiritual being.
Clean/cleanse whatever hinders that reality.
And watch how you begin to soar, supernaturally, by design, because of it, sis.
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