There are actually a few reasons why I thought it was important to pen this piece. One reason is that, reportedly, 55 percent of Americans feel especially lonely during this time of the year. Another reason is that some folks aren’t particularly close to their blood relatives yet they do have, what I call, “love family” — and oftentimes, it’s their friends. And then there’s the fact that, when it comes to keeping any type of close emotional dynamic healthy and thriving, it’s essential that gratitude is shown.
And so, whether you’re someone who’s already wanting to hurry up and get the holidays over and done with, you are going to be doing Friendsgiving instead of Thanksgiving this year, or a Hallmark (holiday) movie has put you in the mood to show some love and heartfelt appreciation for a couple of your own homies, here are 12 ways that you can do just that.
12 Ways to Show Gratitude to Your Friends This Holiday
After all, as late author Lois Wyse once said, "A good friend is a connection to life — a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world." And if that ain’t something to intentionally celebrate this season…what is, sis?
1. Handwrite a “Love” Letter
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My dad had impeccable handwriting. My mom’s handwriting? Eh, not so much. I’m somewhere in between yet, because I spend more time hammering away on this keyboard of mine, I don’t realize how out of practice I am on the handwriting tip until I’m filling out a form or addressing an envelope or package. What in the world? It’s for that reason alone that I will try and write at least a couple of letters a year and, whenever I do, the person on the receiving end is always hella surprised and super appreciative — not just because of the words but the effort that was put behind them.
So yeah, if you’ve got a few friends who really held you down this year, get some really nice stationary, write them your own version of a friend-themed love letter, and mail it. Everyone likes something other than bills in their mailbox. No debates there, right?
2. Make a Gift That Speaks Their Love Language
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Words of affirmation. Quality time. Physical touch. Acts of service. Gifts. At this point, who doesn’t know what the five love languages are? And even though we mostly discuss them in the context of romantic relationships, they can — and should — be applied across the board (check out “This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships”).
When it comes to your friends, something else that you can do is make them a present; something that represents their primary love language. If it’s words of affirmation, frame a poster that has adjectives that describe them. If it’s quality time, make them some coupons with “friend dates” that are already planned out. If it’s physical touch, make them a pampering basket that they can use on themselves or with their partner. If it’s acts of service, make them their favorite meal. A gift? Something in their favorite color would be cool.
No one said that the gift has to look like it came straight out of the mall; the mere fact that you took out the time to create it yourself? That already sends the message that you are truly grateful to have them in your life.
3. Pre-Plan a One-on-One Date
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My friends and I go out on dates with one another, fairly frequently. And because all of our lives are so hectic, it automatically requires some pre-planning. Since the “arrangement” is usually that I will pick up the tab, then they will, and so on (back and forth, I mean), whoever pays lets the other person pick (yes, it’s literally a date). It’s fun this way because sometimes we find ourselves introducing the other to a new restaurant, venue, or experience. That said, when was the last time that you pre-planned a super thoughtful date for a friend of yours? Especially if it’s someone who is single during this time of the year, it can take some of the “Where’s my boo (or cuffing partner)? I hate it here!” edge off.
4. Send Them a Customized Care Package
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Once upon a time, Today.com published an article entitled, “Long-distance friendships take work: Here’s how I’ve had success.” It was basically one woman’s take on the blessings and challenges that came with trying to maintain a close connection with her bestie who lives far away from her. Honestly, my life is so full (along with the lives of my friends) that I oftentimes have to put just about as much effort into seeing the ones who live in the same city as I do as the ones who don’t.
When it comes to my long-distance friends, though, I will sometimes put a care package together and shoot it their way. Think about things that are your friend’s favorites and send them. It doesn’t have to be super deep. This time of year, their favorite cookies, some slippers, and a customized coffee mug are beyond sweet.
5. Plan a Sleepover
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Speaking of the folks who live close by, ain’t nothin’ wrong with hosting a sleepover. For instance, if some of you aren’t planning on being with family this Thanksgiving and you’re gonna go the Friendsgiving route instead, who said that everyone has to call it a day (or night) after dinner? Pull out some throwback movies (chances are, they’re on Tubi, chile) along with a playlist from when everyone was in college, put some holiday cocktails together, and hang out all night long.
Sleeping in and having breakfast together sure beats the hell outta all of that traffic on Black Friday. Or, if you are going to be with your DNA, push it ‘til the weekend. After all, sleepovers don’t have an age cap. Why should children have all of the fun?
6. Have Flowers or Lunch Delivered to Their Job
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One time, while I was having the worst day ever (no exaggeration), a friend of mine, without even letting me know that she was going to do it, had lunch and dinner delivered to me (and she was out of state). That was a few years ago now and it’s still a favorite memory of mine when it comes to my friends and their thoughtful gestures. That said, consider having some flowers or lunch delivered to one of your friends soon. Add a note that says something along the lines of, “No reason. You’re just awesome.” It’ll go a really, REALLY long way. Trust me.
7. Frame a Photo of a Favorite Memory of the Two of You
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Last year, someone posted a tweet (chile, it’s always gonna be Twitter to me) that simply said “true best friends have no pictures together.” It received 99K likes and 30K retweets. When I stopped to think about it, only one person in my innermost circle did I have a picture of us together in it. WILD. One day, I’ll have to unpack the subconscious psychology behind it all. For now, I’ll just say that time is precious and memories are invaluable. Not only that but it’s not like you’ve got to schedule an appointment with a professional photographer to take a shot; you’ve got your smartphone.
So, the next time you’re out with your friends, take a quick picture. Then blow it up, make some copies, frame them, and give them to your friend (or friends). I’m preaching to the choir when I say that it really would be a shame to go throughout your entire life with no evidence of your connections with other people other than the thoughts that are in your head.
8. Create a “Thank You” Jar
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You’d be amazed how many studies exist out here. For instance, did you know that most Americans ONLY SAY “thank you,” somewhere around 15 percent of the time that a request is granted to them (that’s pretty pitiful) or that articles like “People rarely say thank you when others help them out, scientists say” exist? Maybe it’s just me but I think it’s kinda wild that the very thing that we will tell our children is rude not to do (to say “please” and “thank you”), we pretty much suck at ourselves (one could call that “hypocritical,” right?). And when people feel taken for granted, that is a surefire way for them to start tapping out of their relationship with you — friends included.
Just in case you are someone whose heart is in the right place yet you’re not exactly big on words, something that you can do is create a thank you jar. Buy some big mason jars and some colored construction paper. Cut the paper into strips and write down different things about your friend(s) that you are thankful for. That way, you’ve put your gratitude on paper (literally) and they can refer to how you feel about them, whenever they feel like it.
9. Dedicate a Blog (or Vlog) Post to Them
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When it comes to this particular suggestion, I’ve gotta admit that sometimes, when I see people do this, it seems more like “performative affection” than anything. What I mean by that is, if you’re out here talking more about yourself more than the person you claim to be affirming or celebrating, that looks a lot like humble pride (eye roll). For everyone else, though, in a world that is filled with so much gossip, negativity, and cynicism, it can be truly refreshing for folks to dedicate a blog or vlog to nothing but praising another person for their character, their commitment, and their friendship. You know what they say — the internet is written in pen not pencil (some folks could stand to remember that), so it’s a simple gesture that could go a really long way and will definitely last a really long time.
10. Do Something for Them That They “Hate”
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Does one of your friends hate doing laundry? Why not do it for them? Have you hopped into their car lately and it looks like a pocketbook (some of y’all will catch that later)? Get it detailed out of the blue. Is their favorite health food store closer to you than it is to them? Why not pick some stuff up for them and bring it to their house? I’m gonna tell you, out the gate, doing things for others that they need but don’t like to do? It’s more on the practical side of showing gratitude yet oftentimes, that’s what warms hearts up the most.
11. Treat Them to Their Favorite Spot
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Who said that spontaneity only had to be reserved for romance? Hell, if you really stop to think about it, some of your friends have outlasted a lot of your romantic, umm, situations (LOL), so why not show them how freakin’ grateful you are that they did? Out of the blue, hit them up and tell them that you wanna take them somewhere…then actually do it. I recently did it for a friend of mine and they were floored — one, that I remembered them casually mentioning the place before, and two, that I was willing to pay the expense in order to do it. Again, it shouldn’t only be folks in a couple’s dynamic who should feel adored and cherished. Everyone who is loved, in some way, should.
12. Jot Down 10-20 Reasons Why Their Friendship Means So Much to You
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It’s one thing to be grateful for a person; it’s another thing to be able to clearly articulate why you are so thankful for the kind of friendship that you have with them. So, to close this out, purchase them a journal for the new year and, in the front of it, write down 10-20 reasons why their friendship is so invaluable to you. It doesn’t have to be lengthy; it can literally be bullet points or phrases. It’s a wonderful gift, a very thoughtful gesture, and a beautiful way to express gratitude for any kind of friend that you have. Give thanks, y’all. GIVE THANKS.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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