What is a carefree black girl?
Well first, I think it's important to start at its root: black girl.
She stares back at me in the mirror, childishness in the past, woman in her presence. She hasn't always been as easy to love. When I was in elementary school - afro-hair twisted into five ponytails, surrounded by white kids who looked and felt more aged than me and somehow prettier, because their shininess reflected that of the soap operas and talk shows and children's shows I watched with my mother at home – no one told me so, but I felt ugly in comparison and wondered why I couldn't look like one classmate in particular: Ashley Stephens.
Her golden Rapunzel hair, blue eyes full of lashes, and freckles dusting the apples of her cheeks. Everybody loved Ashley. She reminded me of a Barbie I had.
I wanted to be noticed and heralded, but of course, it'd take me years to realize that was the strange desire swelling within me.
Back then, my black girl was hard to love because I couldn't see her pretty.
My pretty didn't look like anything outside what was home to me. But as I grew older, my views on my blackness expanded as I was introduced to the plethora and variety of our shapes, the soul in our eyes, the strength in our backs, the frizz of our kinks, the fullness of our lips, the depths of our complexions – we were fine, we were powerful, we glowed. I grew to love the flower that bloomed and billowed from my roots.
The carefree came after, especially with the presence of soulful eclectic creatives like Solange Knowles and before her, the Baduism of the world, that made me embrace my quirks, my style, and hair.
Without even noticing, #carefreeblackgirl became a movement where black girls and black women globally appreciated one another and themselves.
I was inspired by this love and mine to pay homage to our power and our queendom.
We asked carefree black girls what being a carefree black girl meant to them and how they felt they embody its essence. Check out their beautiful liberating responses below:
Khalilah
"A carefree black girl is…Living for me and loving it every step of the way."
My definition of carefree means being your genuine self, not allowing anyone to make you feel uncomfortable in your own skin, loving yourself unconditionally, and following your own rules in this game of life. After ending a 6 year relationship, I completely lost myself but ever since we have gone our separate ways, I have gained so much clarity. I'm doing things I've always wanted to do and always wanted to try: indoor rock climbing, aerial yoga, ice skating, hiking.
My point is, at 26, I am finally living MY LIFE! No more worrying about what I can do to make this man love me more or comparing myself to what society tell us is beautiful. I no longer am anxious or fearful of life, I'm just enjoying every moment that I'm breathing. I'm a carefree girl because I'm finally living for ME, and loving it every step of the way!
Shanel
"A carefree black girl…Loves God, realizes she's not perfect but acknowledges Him for everything."
I am carefree and to me that means you can get my care for free. It doesn't come with a price tag and there are no expectations. I provide empathy with no strings attached and unbiased advice that is holistic to the individual I am conversing with. I have learned to be carefree in a sense that this world may not be as accepting as we'd like, but the person we accept should be the reflection we face each day, made up or made down.
I decided to let other people's opinions of my choices and standards go. There are studies all over that say this about black women, and that about black women. But so what? The way my faith system is set up, there isn't a statistic around that could make me question God's plan for my life. So I live it. It took me 25 years to be happy with me, why would I allow this world to change that? Answer: I'm not.
Brandi
"A carefree black girl is…Someone who has the freedom to care about what is important while having the freedom to not care about what isn't important."
I spent many years being an all-caring, all-worrying girl – and one day, I woke up, really woke up, and realized that I was broken and weighed down. I was carrying a load much too heavy for me. I didn't mind carrying that load, but when I realized what that load consisted of, I found that not much of it actually benefited me. I decided to only carry my “cares". Now I'm free to live my purpose, my dream, my desires and my plans. While that may sound selfish – which I battled with – it's not. I realized that I can't be a benefit to others if I'm broken. Now, restored Brandi has a lot more to offer.
For me, it doesn't mean to be completely free of cares, but it does mean two things: 1) the freedom to care about what is important to me and 2) the freedom to not care about what isn't important to me.
Auria
"A carefree black girl…Doesn't mean being careless, if anything, it means to care without regrets"
Ever since I can remember, I've always been a carefree girl. I have learned to be that way because life is too short to dwell on your mistakes or mishaps. Being carefree doesn't mean being careless, if anything, it means to care without regrets. Being a carefree girl means living through life's obstacles with your head held high and wearing a smile. To be carefree, you have to let go and let God. You have to trust who you are and trust in your growth. Being a carefree girl means treating people with kindness but not letting anyone take advantage of it. Life is full of ups and downs and throughout it all I will remain carefree because I know it'll take me far, opening up doors and blessings for me.
Rebecca
"A carefree black girl…driven by life to enjoy life with love being my motivator"
I would like to think of myself as a carefree girl because I am driven by life to enjoy life with love being my motivator. Love from my daughters gives me the strength on a daily basis to achieve such things, along with the love of God and family which act as icing on my cake. Society can't shape or form what this woman has become. I want to be like no one but me, Carefree Girl of Love.
Markyta
"A carefree black girl is…Following my heart and letting go of my past."
I can be anti-social, emotional, crazy, and random. I love hard. I am loyal and dedicated to changing the world. I am free-spirited, creative, and helpful. I have crying spells, I curse, I threaten to judo-chop people when they annoy me and I occasionally drink. I am complex and I am perfectly imperfect. As I approach 30, I have to learn to unapologetically live for me and chase my dreams. While focusing on my purpose, I've learned to follow my heart and let go of the past. I am ambitious but not thirsty. I am learning to let all things (and people) that reject me to redirect me. I am a carefree girl, just the way God made me.
LaTasha
"A carefree black girl is…Not letting my status of standing on the margins of both race and gender inhibit or disable me from living a life of freedom."
Carefree is not allowing anything or anyone stand in the way of what you believe in and where God has called you to be. You care less about the opinion of others who only judge what they see and never took the time to embrace the inner you. You stress less when you can go to bed at night knowing that your past is behind you and your tomorrow is going to be so much greater. You smile more because you feel condiment in taking yourself out on a date because you deserve every bit of loving yourself.
You give more to those in need because you know for every seed you sew, you will continue to receive your blessings from God. I am a strong believer in myself and everything that I do. I am passionate, ambitious, independent, goal-driven, and ready to take it to the next level in my life. I am a carefree girl.
Maura
"A carefree black girl is…An on-purpose attitude towards what life throws my way, taking it in stride with grace and gratitude for experiences and lessons learned."
I'm 20 years old and a recent graduate of Spelman College. With the new year, I am taking on title of the official correspondent for Bossip's The Bossip Report. I am also building a branding consulting agency for WOC entrepreneurs. I have self-identified as a “carefree black girl" before hashtags and retweets. Being carefree to me means living unapologetically while knowing you can maximize your potential anywhere with your own unique sensibility.
It means not compromising what makes you you for anyone. As a carefree black girl specifically, being carefree means not letting my status of standing on the margins of both race and gender inhibit or disable me from living a life of freedom. I am nobody's mule. I am a carefree wonder of the world.
Brandy
"A carefree black girl is…Knowing that you are your own definition of beautiful."
As a divorced single mom by the age of 30, I have been through a lot in the past two years. I have dealt with the judgment, stereotypes, and stigmas associated with both. Carefree to me means being free from other people's opinions of who I am, who I should be or what I should do. When I actually sat back and thought about it, I couldn't believe how much of my life was spent trying to please other people. True happiness doesn't require other people's approval. Once I learned that, I began to love life more and live life for me, on my terms and no one else's. Carefree, to me, means free from seeking the approval of others. Carefree means living my life the way I want to and changing what I want for my life any time I feel like it. I went from teacher to makeup artist to corporate America and I'm still not done yet. Carefree means creating and doing things that I love. Carefree means being able to share my truth with others courageously and authentically. Carefree is not a nonchalant disposition but an on-purpose attitude towards what life throws my way, taking it in stride with grace and gratitude for experiences and lessons learned.
Carefree is knowing that you are your own definition of beautiful. You may not always see it in the media but that doesn't take away from you. Own your power, define yourself, and your life. That's carefree.
Megan
To know oneself is not an act of narcissism. To know oneself is a service to not only you as an individual but also to those around you. Those who love and care for you. I came to understand that only by truly knowing and loving myself for both my beautiful qualities and my faults; I could then offer a better me to those around me. It didn't all happen like the flip of a light bulb either. In looking back it might have been a number of things which lead to my awakening, to a more carefree me. It might have been the loss of a close relative, someone I looked up to and held in the highest regard in terms of her spirit, her drive, and unending compassion.
It might have been my being diagnosed with Lupus and navigating what that might then mean for my life. It might have been failed relationships both platonic and romantic. Or in contrast it may have been those blessed beautiful moments in life. Like the times you meet those special people who offer and receive your love without judgment or expectation. That support system you've waited so long to find who have your back no matter what. Those people who encourage your wildest dreams and remind you that nothing is impossible. Those are the people who make you feel as though with their support you can fly across vast reaching horizons without fear of falling.
I used to be overridden with anxiety. It got in the way of my relationships with family, friends and boyfriends. I often look back and think to myself “I wish I could tell that young girl to relax, to stress less." But then I decide that I wouldn't go back and change things for one moment. In changing her I'd be changing the woman I am now & that I would never wish to do.
Being carefree means being vulnerable. The woman I am now travels the U.S. and abroad solo on a whim & finds her greatest peace in those cherished adventures when I can be my own best company. The woman I am now says "no" when I want to say "no" and "yes" only when I truly want to say "yes." The woman I am now is social and loves to host a great party but also cherishes my personal time. I enjoy taking myself out for a solo dinner at which I'll indulge in a three course meal accompanied by a couple glasses of nice wine.
This is not all to say that I am completely void of care but I have found a beautiful place of personal balance where I now understand the importance of letting those things that I cannot change go and knowing that everything is going to be just fine because I am a good person and goodness is due to me. My story is already being paved, I simply must walk it with a head held high being confident that I have given the very best of myself to this beautiful thing called life.
I am a carefree girl.
What is a carefree black girl to you and what was your journey towards finding that? Share below.
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The essence of effortless poise and refinement shines bright through the iconic university colors of indigo blue, red, and white. Every October, Howard University students, alumni, staff, and friends gather on the prestigious campus in Washington, D.C. to take part in time-honored traditions and events, which is Homecoming. This year's theme, “The Meccaverse,” was a week-long celebration of Howard University’s heritage, including the Homecoming football game and Bison Pep Rally, the Fashion Show, Greek Life Step Show, Homecoming Day of Service, Lavender Reception, and the iconic Yard Fest Concert.
As 2024 marked the 100th anniversary of the Howard Bison trek back to The Mecca and after two years of virtual events due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this was to be a celebration of a lifetime. We enlisted HU alumnus Sharmaine Harris, a luxury retail buyer, as she revisited her alma mater as eyes on the yard for fashion-forward outfits mixed with personal style and campus pride for the weeklong celebration.
Before we get to the looks, discover how attending Howard University impacted her career in fashion and her day-to-day style:
Credit: Sharmaine and Friends
xoNecole: Describe your personal style. Did attending Howard have any impact on developing it?
Sharmaine: Howard taught me that there’s no such thing as being TOO dressed. There’s always a reason to “put it on” and look presentable, even if it’s just for a day of classes. Standing out was celebrated and encouraged with my peers embracing the opportunity, giving me the confidence to try new styles and trends.
xoNecole: How did Howard shape your career as a luxury buyer?
Sharmaine: I studied Fashion Merchandising, through which I was fortunate to have professors who were very connected to the industry and able to give first-hand accounts of opportunities and what to expect post-college. I was also able to build a network through my peers and other Howard Alum, which has opened doors to endless possibilities both within fashion as well as daily life.
The same confidence instilled in me through my style has also been rooted deeply within me as I step into any role or project I’m faced with throughout my career.
xoNecole: This year marked Howard’s 100th-anniversary Homecoming celebration. Can you describe what the weekend looked and felt like?
Sharmaine: I’ve gone to many Howard Homecomings since graduating, but this year’s 100th anniversary felt like a huge family reunion filled with nothing but love. It was beautiful to see so many Bison return home looking great and radiating joy. It was beautiful!
xoNecole: What makes Howard fashion different from other HBCUs?
Sharmaine: Being that Howard is The Mecca, we have such a diverse population with each individual having their own spin on fashion. Getting dressed is second nature for us, but the layered confidence is our secret ingredient to make any look come together. Through that comfortability to push barriers, we have a legacy of setting trends, as indicated by the many alumni we have in the fashion and entertainment industry.
Keep scrolling for the top street style moments from The Mecca's Homecoming weekend:
Credit: Lacey Gallagher
Credit: Alan Henderson
Credit: JaLynn Davis
Credit: Dylan Davis
Credit: Caleb Smith
Credit: Kendall W.
Credit: Jordyn Finney
Credit: Vanessa Nneoma
Credit: Dr. Mariah Sankey-Thomas
Credit: Caleb MacBruce
Credit: Tiffany Battle
Credit: Teniola
Credit: Ilahi Creary
Credit: Nicolas Ryan Grant
Credit: Dylan Davis
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image courtesy of Sharmaine Harris
Geeze. Even as I’m typing this out, I’m embarrassed to admit that I have seen even more than one episode. What got me to check it out initially was hearing so many people talk about the Michael, Meagan, and Sarah nonsense from several years back. And you know what? I don’t care if it was way back then or when I will watch a few minutes while channel surfing now, if there’s one thing that I’m always saying (sometimes even out loud) is I get why a lot of people “fall” for inmates: when individuals are in a controlled environment, you can constantly account for their time, you can get most of their attention — they are willing to say and do almost whatever you wish.
And for a control freak, that is a relational wet dream. Unfortunately, then, once the inmate is released, they go from dealing with correctional officers in jail (or prison) to relationship wardens. What I mean by that is, instead of them being closely monitored while in custody, now the person who they “dated” while they were locked up seems to act as if it is their job to put themselves in the same position as the officers.
A great example of this? GOING THROUGH SOMEONE’S PHONE WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION. And although it’s so common that one survey reported that 56 percent of women and 44 percent of men do it (more women than men…hmm…), while another stated that a whopping 71 percent of folks said that they use their partner’s phone without them knowing (hell, 21 percent professed to doing it often too) — let me put it to you this way: I wonder how many people know that it’s a practice that the law actually frowns upon.
Don’t believe me? Take a few moments to scroll through this article a bit more. Please let it serve as a PSA that just because something is popular, that doesn’t make it legal or right. And honestly, when it comes to preserving your relationship, it’s not the wisest move in that department either. Not at all.
First Up: Going Through His Phone, Without His Permission, Is Actually Illegal
@feistyaquarius Here is a checklist to make sure you didn’t miss one inch of that 📱 - settings (passcode) -imessages ( groupchats, msgs with friends ( guy names too check them) - whatsapp -telegram -GPS - call logs -photos ( RECENTLY DELETEDS FOR ALL APPS -instagram -fb msgs -snapchat ! -DROPBOX -emails -cash app (apple pay transactions) #fyp #iphonetips #parentsoftiktok #relationships
That, umm, presentation is from feistyaquarius on TikTok. Although there were a few times when I was like, “Girl, what?” as I was watching it, I can’t really say that I was shocked overall because there are TONS (I’m not exaggerating either) of other social media posts that are very similar to it. It’s like people have made a science out of coming up with ways of going through someone’s phone without them knowing. And here’s the thing about that — it is actually illegal.
According to a law firm’s website that I checked out on the topic, “The Electronic Communications Privacy Act (ECPA) is a federal law that makes it a crime to access someone else’s private communications without permission. It covers cell phones, computer use, email, social media accounts, and other types of electronic communications.”
The act itself, you can read more about here, here, and here; however, as it relates to the day-to-day things of everyday relationships, that act is relevant in the sense that it doesn’t matter if you are dating someone, engaged or even married to them, if you are going through their phone (or texts or emails) without their knowledge and consent, you are not only invading their privacy, you are breaking the law.
Adding to that, if you go through a device that is password protected without their permission, that is considered to be a form of illegal spying.
GiphyAnd here’s the thing: whether you’re keylogging (using software to track what someone is doing on their computer), using spyware to monitor someone’s phone activity, you’ve put a GPS tracking device on their phone or even downloaded an app that keeps up with what they are doing on social media, based on where you live and what you end up doing with the information after getting it, if you get reported or caught, the consequences could be anything from a fine to actual jail time. And what if you’re doing this to see if your spouse is cheating on you?
From what I’ve read and researched there, that’s not gonna be very helpful for you either because many judges will see you as being controlling and/or intrusive and/or problematic. Plus, since many divorces can be entered in as a “no-fault” one, proof of infidelity won’t benefit you much anyway.
So basically, while you’re out here listening to TikTok detectives and their literal phone hack tips, I don’t even know if they’re aware that they’re encouraging you to low-key break the law — and possibly ruin your relationship in the process.
Strictly from the relationship standpoint, here’s why I say that…
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Sign of Distrust (and Disrespect)
GiphyPersonally, I never have been the kind of person who likes to snoop around people’s things. One reason is because I lived with a parent who moved that way (reading my diary and journals and everything). Another is because…I just think it’s disrespectful as hell. I mean, even when a friend’s phone rings or a notification goes off, and I’m closer to their phone than they are, and so they ask me to pass it to them, I will turn the face of the phone down and hand it over. Whatever they’ve got going on on their phone is their business.
And when it comes to past relationships, I honestly feel the same way. Just because we are together, it doesn’t mean that my partner doesn’t have their own identity and right to privacy.
Besides, if I feel like I need to know your every move, that means that either I don’t trust you and/or I want to run you on some level —and both of those things are toxic ways to deal with a relationship. And before one of y’all says, “Oh, I trust him, I just don’t trust who may be trying to communicate with him,” — can we please retire that tired saying once and for all?
If you actually trust your partner, other people don’t matter. They have enough self-control and integrity to handle themselves and whatever is transpiring accordingly. In other words, trusting them is all that you need to be concerned about. Period.
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Sign of Control
GiphyJealousy is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. Constantly “making” someone earn your trust is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. Treating someone like they are guilty until they prove to you that they are innocent is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. Gaslighting someone into violating their own boundaries in order to please you is a sign of being controlling in a relationship.
Pulling accusations and presumptions out of thin air is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. Feeling like you should know any and everything “just because” is a sign of being controlling in a relationship. And when you go through your partner’s phone without them knowing about it, pretty much all of these signs are being manifested in that action — one way or another. And who wants to be around a controlling type of individual?
There is no real-time or space to get into all of the reasons why someone is a controlling person. For now, what I will say is many people move like that because A) it was modeled to them while growing up; B) they have very low self-esteem, so they are insecure, and/or C) they seem to think that they should parent their partner (which is also toxic as hell).
A mental health expert by the name of Robin Skynner once said, “If people can’t control their own emotions, they then have to try to start to control other people’s behavior.” This basically means that controlling people need to control themselves instead of trying to control others — and what that basically boils down to is they need to be alone…until/unless they do.
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Sign of Hypocrisy
GiphyOkay, please tell me that you noticed the part of the TikTok up top when she said that she is gonna go through her man’s phone regardless, “So long as he doesn’t go through my phone.” Umm, you know what that kind of mentality is defined as being, right? It’s sho ‘nuf a hypocrite because a hypocrite is someone who says one thing and then turns around and does something different.
And honestly, when it comes down to it, I’m with playwright Tennessee Williams when he once said, “The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that's also a hypocrite!” because a hypocrite is not only arrogant and delusional enough to hold you to a standard that they don’t hold their own selves to, they also tend to lie to themselves as much as they lie to you in order to justify being that way.
Think about it: how is it that you feel that you have the right to violate someone else’s privacy and yet if the shoe were on the other foot, now it’s a problem? It’s basically because you know that all of it is wrong, and yet you’re okay being a walking contradiction. And anyone who is alright with twisting the truth like that, they aren’t someone who anyone should think is long-term relationship material. I am absolutely not budging on that conclusion, either.
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Sign of Liking (Potential) Drama
GiphyI’ve shared before that a Black series that I heard about late in the game and then binge-watched and enjoyed isChef Julian. While preparing to pen this, I thought about one of the issues that Julian had with his first love, who he was constantly on and off with (Mo), was that she was a snooper (one example starts at the 7:40 mark of this episode here). She was sneaking around when he wasn’t looking, all the while trying to see what was transpiring via the smartphone that he pays the bill for.
And here’s the thing about that: the fact that she’s lurking like that proves that she knows that she’s totally out of pocket. Yet besides that, say that she does find that he’s liking pics on Instagram (some of y’all really need to relax on that), that he’s talking to women that she doesn’t know, or even that he’s seeing someone else. You snuck around to find out, so…now what? You’re going to go off on him for not being able to trust him, and your evidence of that comes from you doing something that shows that he really shouldn’t trust you, either?
Hmph. Sounds like nothing but the onset of a lot of drama to me — and as an article that I once read on CNBC about dramatic people, three clear signs of being full of drama are they always move with a sense of urgency and they like to focus on negative (or potentially negative) things — oh, and they always want to be in control. Yep, in their own “special” way, dramatic people are control freaks.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? That if I sense something is up that I go into denial mode? No. However, if you can’t simply talk to your partner and/or you’d prefer to be a bootleg Inspector Gadget, that either means that your relationship has a lot more issues than your suspicions OR that you like drama and you’re trying to feed your appetite. Which is it, sis?
Going Through Your Partner’s Phone Is a Relational Red Flag (on Your Part)
GiphyIn BetterUp’s article from earlier this year, “16 red flags in a relationship to look out for,” some signs that stood out to me included overly controlling behavior; lack of respect or trust; conflict avoidance; lack of emotional intelligence, and an inability to communicate openly. And y’all, if you think about people who sneak into other people’s phones — how are these things not ultimately evident in their actions?
Also, if you want to give me pushback on that, if someone did any of this to you, would you not wonder the same thing about them? Would you not say that they are clear relational red flags? And, if someone were to ignore these kinds of flags, how foolish would they be to 1) stick around and/or 2) act shocked if things didn’t ultimately escalate?
Listen, it really should be enough that going through your partner’s phone without their permission is breaking the law yet, after all of what I said, if you don’t respect or trust them or you would rather sneak around than have a real and frank conversation, one way or another, your relationship is far more unstable and unhealthy than you think — whether they have something going on in their phone or not.
Bottom line, before trying to press your partner’s finger onto their phone while they are sleeping or downloading an app that hacks into their intel, ask yourself how you would feel if they did the same thing to you (BE HONEST) and then really ponder why you think that is the right/wise/smart move in the first place.
Personally, I don’t think any type of violation is a form of love. And as I tried to display here, almost ad nauseam, going through someone’s phone without their permission is a solid example of that.
And what if after reading all of this, you couldn’t care less? I say this in love, but you’ve got more internal red flags going on than you might think — and as a wise person once said, “I think my problem is, I like to see how red the flag can get.”
You wanna know what’s going on? ASK.
You don’t believe them? SHIFT.
Hacking isn’t the answer, though. Legally or otherwise. Ever.
Respect you and them enough to accept that. Fully.
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Featured image by Peter Cade/Getty Images