With an ever-growing list of to-dos, responsibilities that have no chill, and personal obligations, it’s no wonder so many of us are looking for ways to cultivate calm in our daily lives. That goes double for me. In the pursuit of inner work and inner peace, I have found myself gravitating to podcasts that exude self-improvement, self-development, and most importantly, self-care. Listening to podcasts has become a daily ritual and instantly makes me feel as though I am actively pouring into my own cup.
If you are looking for podcasts to help you on your healing journey, look no further. Keep scrolling for podcasts about healing by Black people that absolutely need to be in your rotation.
1.Sensual Self with Ev’Yan Whitney
Sensual Self
Previously titled "The Sexually Liberated Woman," Ev’Yan Whitney’s beloved podcast has since evolved to make space for their new identity and is now called Sensual Self with Ev'Yan Whitney. As a nonbinary sexuality doula, Ev’Yan prides themselves with helping all people to thrive in the message that sensuality is an innate part of their being. You just have to dare to put in the work for self-pleasure and your self-relationship. One of the cornerstones of their work is the question, “What do I need in this moment in order to feel good?” It’s a question of self-reflection we could all afford to ask ourselves a little more.
Start here:“47. Pleasure-Centered and Unfuckwithable”
2.Black Girls Heal
Host Shena Lashey acts as the trauma-whisperer in her Black Girls Heal podcast, addressing topics like self-worth issues, healthy and unhealthy attachments, and intimacy. Her goal is to give Black women the tools they need to seek and thrive in connections that truly serve them. She does this by providing women with the tools they need to understand what they are worthy of and what is beneath them.
Start here:“93. Healing Your Mother Wound”
3.Balanced Black Girl
Balanced Black Girl
For a weekly dose of wellness, this one is a tried-and-true personal favorite. Hosted by Les, Balanced Black Girl is a podcast centered on approachable health, self-care, self-improvement, and holistic—sometimes imperfect—wellness. A force on her own, she also invites guests from time to time who are industry experts on various topics rooted in Black self-care and Black wellness. Through her podcast, Les makes it clear that wellness can look different to different people, but we can live well and thrive all the same.
Start here:“68. Setting Boundaries and Protecting Your Energy”
4.Black Girl Burn Out
Licensed therapist Kelly Bonner is the host of Black Girl Burn Out, a podcast dedicated to helping Black women navigate the stress of day-to-day life. Feeling overworked and undervalued is something many Black women experience in life, in work, and in love. Years of internalizing being everything to everyone can do that to you. Episodes either focus on a pain point or on something to either “opt into” or “opt out of” that can help usher in a more healed version of yourself. Black Girl Burn Out provides a 15-minute reset of how to heal from the various forms of burnout we can encounter.
Start here: “Opt-Into Living A Full Life”
5.The Self-Love Fix
The Self-Love Fix
The Self-Love Fix is a popular podcast catering to women of color and helping them tap into their highest selves. Through a combination of expert guests and personal experiences, host Beatrice Kamau offers a relatable and resonating take on all things personal development, self-love, self-care, and self-worth. Be it mental health, relationships, friendship, astrology, worthiness, or self-doubt, Beatrice offers a weekly dose of insight that is absolutely what the doctor ordered.
Start here: “72. Embodying Your Worth”
6.Black Girl Existing
Black Girl Existing is a space where Black women can come to heal themselves. The mission is clear: to remind Black women of their power in a world that seeks to shrink them and make them feel like they are not enough. BGE is a podcast that fuels its listeners mentally, spiritually, and emotionally while ensuring that they instill them with a framework for healthy self-care.
7.Manifest Daily
Manifest Daily
A spiritual and lifestyle podcast, Manifest Daily is hosted by content creator Dheandra Nicolette. In it, Dheandra talks about affirmation, self-love, self-care, and of course manifestation. As with other podcasts mentioned on this list, I love Dheandra’s personal takes on different pain points she has encountered in her growth journey, how discipline plays a role in her relationship with her higher self, and the different manifestation techniques she has tried and found success in. Her podcast is most definitely a must-listen.
Start here: “S7 Ep145: IMPOSTER WHO // Addressing Imposter Syndrome In Your Life + Career”
8.Self Care and Chill With Maui
The girlfriend in your head that you didn’t know you needed, the Self Care and Chill With Maui podcast is all about the kiki while revealing to you the real. Always a breath of fresh air, Amirah Morris’ candid talks about love, sex, and self-love offer a more down-to-earth approach to healing conversations. From co-parenting dialogue with her former partner to reminders to listeners that they are indeed the table, there is an episode for everyone.
Start here:“Loving Yourself Is Boring EP:37”
9.Self Care IRL
Self Care IRL
If self-care was a person, it would be best-selling author and blogger Ty Alexander, the host of the popular podcast, Self Care IRL. In each episode, Ty blesses listeners with strategies that have helped her evolve into a better person and the wellness gems she has collected along the way. Despite the cards that life may have dealt you, there is power in knowing that you are ultimately the architect of your world. Ty provides ways to cope and coexist with trauma, circumstances, and grief while laying down the building blocks of living your best life as you see fit.
Start here:“8. Listen to This When Life Gets Heavy”
10.Brown Girl Self-Care
How could you not tune into a podcast hosted by a self-proclaimed “Self-Care Pusher”? I’ll wait. Through her work with Brown Girl Self-Care, Bre uses her experiences to be a guiding light for listeners who are on their own self-care journeys to a place of healing and wholeness. The Cali native is all about helping you elevate physically, spiritually, and emotionally and equips you with the health and wellness tools to do so. Self-care is a must—not an option—and she wants to empower her listeners to know that, too.
Start here:“You Don’t Owe Anyone Your Essence 24/7/365”
Featured image by Getty Images
RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy