To be successful, you must live a life that is aligned with God's purpose for you.
Often in life, we tend to ignore our purpose because of fear. We slave at jobs that are unfulfilling, and we spend our days, working to live out someone else's dreams. When you do work that is not destined for you, it is believed that you will never be as satisfied, happy, and successful as you can be if you were doing work that YOU were created to do.
I recently sat down with entrepreneur and boss babe, Arian Simone, who is living proof that when you don't do work that was created purely for you, things will not fully work out and you won't be as happy as you can be. Arian is the CEO of Arian Simone Enterprises and the mastermind behind the upcoming 3-day Fearless Reloaded conference in Atlanta which aims to inspire women to live fulfilled, confident, bold lives while making a positive impact on the world. But before becoming the founder and CEO of her own enterprise, she was jobless, homeless, and was in a financial hell hole.
Related: The Budgetnista: Tiffany Aliche Shares How She Went From A 547 Credit Score to Over 800
With Arian's fearless attitude and her life mantra of "If there is a will, there is a way," she was able to go from being homeless to living out her dreams and life destiny. In 30 minutes, Arian taught me what I like to call her 6 secrets to success that we can all benefit from knowing.
Secret #1: Don't pursue a career just because it will be convenient and easy.
In college, I did a five-year MBA program while running my own business. Even before college, I've always had an entrepreneurial spirit. Before owning my own business, a fashion boutique, I was in real estate, and in high school I sold Mary Kay.
The boutique Arian owned in college
When I was preparing to graduate, I became so used to entrepreneurship and I knew the ups and downs that entrepreneurship could have. I decided then that I didn't want the instability that could come from being an entrepreneur. I decided to just go get a job because I felt it would be more safe, convenient, and easy. But girl was I wrong. I did that I ended up in more hell from that than I ever had when I owned a store or any business. After college, I moved to LA and decided to ignore my entrepreneurial spirit and work for someone else. Unfortunately, just after 30 days of working there, I was laid off because the company got sold. With the job loss, I also became homeless with no money.
During this moment, I realized that people either come to a place in their life and have to surrender by choice or force, and for me it was by force because I had no choice. I learned how important it was to stay aligned with God's purpose. A lot of times when we venture off and take shortcuts (or an easier route) from what we were destined to do, chaos will come come into our lives. I learned that while living any life will have its ups and downs, your ups will always outweigh your downs and your good will always outweigh your bad in the event that you are doing what you are created to do. So when I tried to take a shortcut in that moment of my life, it created hell and I realized I should've kept being an entrepreneur. But no, I wanted to go get a 'regular job', get something stable, and do something that would keep my mother assured. But it was hell. It was truly a living hell. When people hear this story, they always say 'oh you just overcame it', but really I just got align with what I was created to do - which is being a business owner. And once that moment happened, things started to work for me in my favor.
Secret #2: Use the gifts that you were given and good things will happen.
Wherever I'm at, I always make the best of my experience, use my gifts, and have a fearless attitude. When I first went on tour with Chris Brown to be a publicist, I had no idea that I had to publicly speak. I thought that I could just do book interviews, radio broadcasts, check ticket sales, and just work at that capacity. Now I love to talk, I can talk to you all day, but I had no clue that I would have to moderate and speak by ad-libbing and performing on cue.
During the tour, Chris came up with this idea to speak at high schools and middle schools and he said that I would need to give an introduction, speak, and moderate the Q&A periods. At first I was a little uncomfortable because I wasn't expecting it, but I did my best and delivered.
Secret #3: When things get tough, push through anyway.
While I was homeless and unemployed, my parents were still in Detroit (which is where I am from). Even though going back home would have been the easy way out, I stayed in LA. My motivation was that home doesn't provide a better opportunity for me. My parents were going through a horrible divorce and were low on money, so it was either be broke there or here [in LA]. Had I went home, I would have been on my mother's couch and she was already struggling. It would've just been a mess and I would've been a burden to her. I wouldn't have been able to strike big.
Secret #4: You should never feel like you are stuck to a career.
In your career or life, you are not stuck.
If you think like this, the first step would be re-positioning your thinking because you current situation doesn't dictate your future. Nobody is holding a gun to your head, saying you have to stay where you are at. You are letting your mind condition you to think that you have to be a slave to a check and that your life and security is dependent on being at that job or having a certain career. The next step would be to create a plan or an exit strategy before leaving the place that you feel stuck at. So if you know you make $55,000 a year but desire leaving your job, you know you will need a good exit strategy. This exit strategy would need an income of about $5,000 a month to transition seamlessly so that you don't have any of the hiccups that I had when I got laid off. Your first strategy may you want to go talk to HR and see if they can outsource you at your job, but also keep you on salary. Outsourcing is a write off for the company, and they can still have you doing what you are doing. The only difference is now you have the freedom of working from home and the flexibility to start whatever this new venture is that you want or go do something else that you desire.
Another secret for this is figure out what you want to do, and then find someone to pay you to do it. Let's say you love to be a cartoonist or paint, there is someone that will pay you to do it.
Secret #5: Don't rush special moments and always take advantage of all networking experiences and resources.
When I think about the advice that I would give college students that want to own their own business in school, I would say that I wouldn't recommend it. If you want your own business, I think you should use your time in college to prepare for that, but I don't recommend to operate in full execution mode like I was. Doing so was definitely a big much - I had a brick and mortar business and I was open during mall hours which are 9am-8pm. This takes things to a whole new level for me, especially because I was a full-time student as well. I feel like I kinda rushed things and my college experience. I should have been more in that collegiate state - not that I have any regrets, but there are so much in the college experience that you can benefit from. College is such a short, precious time, and you should be able to absorb it all.
Arian Simone's boutique while in college.
During your time in college, I recommend that people take advantage of everything, including the networking and resources. College is like a huge networking incubator full of opportunity and creatives. Somewhere on the campus, there is a budding graphic artist, photographer, you name it. You should be figuring out how to collaborate with them and build relationships. A lot of successful businesses nowadays stem from those college experiences, and sometimes don't start until after college.
Secret #6: As a manager, learn how to hire smarter and better.
As a manager, you always want to hire great talent. That is key. One of my favorite producers says always “cast behind the scenes as well as on the team." You definitely want to have people that are not just good, but they have to fit in with the culture of your business. Also, as you are selecting your team, you definitely want to make sure they are aligned with the vision of your business.
Currently through her enterprise, Arian is managing her successful subscription box business. When she is not curating lifestyle boxes, she uses her personal brand and hold fearless discussions about being transparent in today's society and pop culture.
She is also known for her motivational speaking and has spoken at Dartmouth College, Purdue University, Howard University, FAMU, and a host of others. Arian has also spoken at major events such as Dwyane Wade's Wades World Youth Summit, MegaFest, and the Delta Sigma Theta National Convention just to name a few. Through her philanthropic efforts, she uses her life as an example and serves as the Founder of the Live Your Dreams Foundation, which empowers women and girls to live a fearless and fulfilled life.
What are you doing today that will shape your tomorrow?
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A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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