Why One Young Couple Lived Together For A Year Before Their Marriage
It was love at first sight for two freshmen at the University of Maryland, College Park.
After meeting their very first week on campus, Kevin decided it was time to make Brittany his lady just two months later. But while the connection seemed quick, it took some time for the two to finally grow into one another before Kevin thought it best to make Brittany his wife.
Seven years of dating and a Master's degree under Brittany's belt later, Brittany moved to New York to be closer to her man. After eight months of living together, Kevin popped the question.
Brittany and Kevin will be on their way to Montego, Jamaica to wed in 2017. In the meantime, read just why Kevin asked and why Brittany said 'yes.'
On Why They Lived Together Before Becoming Engaged
Kevin: Over the seven-and-a-half years that we have been dating I have come to learn that Brittany is truly a ride or die type of woman, and she always puts God and family above all else. That trait is very hard to come by and I felt lucky to be with someone that will always be there for me. That selflessness has made me into a better person. She is also highly intelligent and is not afraid to debate on topics that she is passionate about, which can make for interesting dinners. Personally, I felt it was crucial that we lived together for a year first to ensure that we can co-exist in the same home. We learned so much about each other that you wouldn't know otherwise! At the moment when you feel truly blessed to be with the one you love it is time to start looking towards the future!
How He Caught Her Eye (And Her Heart)
Brittany: The first thing that attracted me to Kevin was his assertiveness. We both noticed each other at the Freshman mixer but he took the initiative to approach me and strike up a conversation, which I was impressed with. As we got to know each other over the first few months, I realized how caring and genuine he is, which is something that I truly appreciate years later. He is always looking out for my wellbeing and making sure that I am happy, sometimes even over his own happiness. I feel very safe and secure when I'm with him and I'm confident in his ability to lead us and our future family.
As a young black woman who is very independent, it's very reassuring to have a partner that you respect and trust to make the best decisions for you and your relationship.
Another trait that I admire about Kev is his adventurous nature. Sometimes he goes overboard, like jumping off cliffs on vacation [side eye], but I can honestly say that he does motivate me to step outside of my comfort zone and be more fearless.
When It Was Time To Discuss Marriage...
Brittany: We always talked about marriage as a goal eventually, but I didn't get serious about it until I finished grad school. When we decided we would move in together. I set real expectations that I didn't want to be a girlfriend forever, but I also didn't want him to feel pressured. I wanted him to feel 100% ready because this is a serious commitment that we both needed to be prepared for.
[Tweet "I set real expectations that I didn't want to be a girlfriend forever "]
Kevin: We talked about it over the years. I think it's a natural progression of a relationship to talk about your future, which for me included marriage. I knew that once we moved in that within a year I was going to be ready to make that big step!
How She Balanced Her Career With A Long-Distance Relationship
Brittany: Honestly, it was easy to balance when you have a partner who encourages you to go after your dreams. We have both been each other's biggest advocates when it comes to motivating each other to be our very best. Kevin was very understanding when I had to make time to study and make time for friends at school. My education has always been my number onr priority and something that my parent instilled in me from a young age. I just had to have faith that if Kevin and I were meant to be, it would work out in the end (and it did!)
Being in a long-distance relationship over the years did have its challenges, but we made sure to set weekends apart to visit each other and made the most out of the times we spent together. We had the opportunity to explore two different cities (Philadelphia and NYC), which made our dates even more fun. We would use FaceTime every night and text to check-in throughout the day to helped us stay connected. We both realized that this was a temporary sacrifice to pursue and build our careers to eventually begin building our long-term future together.
How He Got the Family Involved
Kevin: Generally, I like to think about things from a long term perspective. Months before I knew that her family was traveling from Maryland to New York to visit family that was in the Bronx. It just so happened to be the same week that my family flew my grandparents up from Florida to surprise my grandma with a birthday party, which had all of her family and friends. I knew this was my time to strike!
Knowing the time frame all I had to do was plan something I felt was worthy enough to demonstrate my love. I told her family and my family that I wanted to have a brunch for Britt's birthday which was a few days before. I also called her best friends from Maryland and told them they need to make this brunch. Overall, I think that it worked out with over 50 of our family and friends able to attend. I takes a village to cultivate a relationship so I felt it important to have them invoked if possible.
Popping the Big Question
Kevin: I can admit now that I was slightly nervous. I wasn't nervous about actually proposing, but more so nervous that my plan, which took sometime to plan was going to be executed with precision.
The day started off with us waking up early and having to first visit her family in the Bronx. Her parents and grandparents traveled that same day from Maryland to visit Britt's great uncle who just had a knee replacement surgery. We make it to the Bronx at around 11am. It was great seeing her family, but that was not my main mission of the day.While we were mingling with her family, I was texting my brother and one of my friends throughout the morning to ensure that the brunch location was set! Britt loves to be around family, needless to say it was a challenge to pry her away from them so that we could make it to the brunch location on time. We ended up taking an Uber Executive and finally arrived to the pier around 1pm. Previously, I told Britt that my brother wanted to take some photos for his website and he wanted to involve us. Given that she was dressed, hair done, nails done, perfect!
Upon meeting my brother and his now fiancée at the pier, we began taking photos, partially to stall as people were arriving late of course and so that I can start thinking about the moment to come. We started to walk down the pier towards the brunch location. My brother and his fiancée started to fade to the back as Britt and I walked up. Now at this very moment in my head I thought well it's time--man up! Finally it was just me and her. I had her face the west side overlooking the water and New Jersey. I got on one knee and expressed how much she truly meant to my life and that I wanted her forever. Once the ring came out, she was shocked! I then had her turn around and about 50 yards away were 50 of our closest family and friends! Her reaction made it all worth it!
Planning their destination wedding to Jamaica
Brittany: Since both of our families are from Jamaica getting married there was kind of a no-brainer for us. Since he planned the engagement, he jokes that I am responsible for the wedding, but he will definitely be helping me to make the decisions. We want an outside wedding with either a waterfall or beach backdrop. Overall, we just want it to be one big party with friends and family. Like Kevin mentioned, we are super family-oriented so my biggest wish is that all of our friends and family will be there to help us celebrate our union.
Kevin: I think that I am most looking forward to being in the presence of family and friends. I want our wedding to not only to solidify the union between Britt and me but also solidify the union of the village of family and friends that helped to cultivate our relationship.
Do you have a love story or proposal story that you would like to share? Contact us at editor@xonecole.com, Subject ‘Proposal Story.’ Include photos and video (if possible)!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Listen, when you live in Music City like I do, one way or another, you’re gonna find yourself involved in the music industry, even if it’s just by way of association. However, because I grew up in a music industry home and I got my start as an entertainment writer, the amount of stuff that I learned about artists — lawd.
Take a particular artist, who will remain nameless and who, to this day, is one of the most condescending and patronizing individuals I have ever met. One day, as someone who used to work with them was cosigning on that very point, they brought up an example that is perfect for the direction of today’s piece.
Them: “She was always trying to talk about how young people only have sex on their minds, and she would pray for their obsession with it. When we all told her to be quiet because she basically got married at 12, she shut up real quick.”
I bet she did. It’s real easy to “not understand” what you personally don’t have to deal with. Yeah, I wonder if she had waited until even 25 to get married if she would be preaching the same sermon about sexual sobriety. Ah, and sermon. Yeah, that’s a nice segue, too, because if there is another place that is notorious for being in the pulpit about sexual promiscuity while ironically encouraging singles to be consumed, if not obsessed, with finding a spouse, it’s the Church — well, many churches.
Where am I going with all of this? I ain’t got no lies for you. The Good Book says that the truth is what sets us free (John 8:31-32), and there’s no time like the present to tackle something that is quite relationally rampant and yet, interestingly enough, doesn’t get addressed nearly enough: emophilia.
Never Heard of Emophilia Before? Chile, I’m Not Surprised.
GiphyBack when I was in college, I went to school with someone who was always talking about getting married and who God told her was her husband. Looking back, it’s kind of comical (and sad…yes, both at the same time) to think about just how many men she claimed that was. It’s also kind of buck that, all these years later, she’s had multiple husbands (and yes, she put “God on them” every single time) while enjoying taking digs around the fact that, according to her, my body count is much higher than hers (I’m currently sitting at 14; I never asked what hers was).
Yep, even though it’s been years since I’ve “added a notch” and although she’s had three husbands while I’ve had none, she still thinks that my sexual partners are “worse” than her many husbands. Nevermind the fact that (since she’s bringing God all up in it) Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and, well, I’ll let y’all read I Corinthians 7:10-11 (as far as remarriage goes) — I’ve been more promiscuous, and so she will always find that to be far worse.
Is it, though? Or do a lot of people just not know that, similar to how porn isn’t just about sex because it can also mean an excessive amount of something, promiscuous can also mean “consisting of a number of dissimilar parts or elements mingled in a confused or indiscriminate manner” — and that’s why emophilia is a thing. And just what does it mean exactly? EMOTIONAL PROMISCUITY.
To me, this isn’t anything new (although I used to use a different word for promiscuity here; that’s another message for another time). When you grow up in Church culture, if you’re truly paying attention, you notice that emotional promiscuity is a fever pitch in many congregations. It’s like folks want to get married so badly (or have been programmed to think that they should) that “this guy…no, this guy…oh, my bad, THIS GUY is my husband” — and you’re so used to hearing people say it that you kind of go numb (or at least, develop a deaf ear).
And when you sit and watch how a lot of prophesying (or is it prophe-lying?) plays out, folks approached marriage like their spouse was an ingredient or something — just add a man as you stir him into your fantasy of a long-term relationship — and so they weren’t really prepared for what marriage required. Why? Because they didn’t really love the person; it was more like they were in love with falling in love. And because of that, their marriage became hell, and as a result, they try to go all Flip Wilson (the real ones know) on it with some “the devil made me do it”…when it was more like one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Hell is truth seen too late.” (Thomas Hobbes)
Goodness. Just imagine how much drama and/or pain could’ve been spared if folks were introduced to emophilia — again, emotional promiscuity — as soon as they were taught sexual promiscuity, especially since, again, one definition of promiscuity is putting parts together without any type of order or in a way that causes nothing but chaos and confusion (and won’t that preach)?
Okay, so is emophilia the same thing as being a love addict? Great question. Actually, they’re very similar, although a love addict has a tendency to become very fixated on a person to the point where all of those songs about not being able to breathe or live with someone make all of the sense in the world in their eyes. Love addicts also are the type of people who feel like they don’t have much value unless they are in a relationship.
Emophilia comes from a different angle. These are people who, as one mental health expert put it, like the feeling of falling in love (more on that in a sec) and, because they enjoy the “hit” of it so much, 1) they can think that they met “the one” after just one date; and/or 2) they can easily find themselves feeling this way about multiple individuals, and/or 3) they tend to find themselves attracted to (or caught up in) the wrong types of folks: narcissists and highly-manipulative individuals definitely top the list.
Why? Well, for one thing, they move so fast that their discernment isn’t very keen, and two, they move so fast that they don’t make the time to step back, self-reflect, and heal before getting into a new situation with someone else. To them, they just chalk it all up to their pursuit of love and just move on to the next person — for as long as it takes. And honestly, that is pretty unhealthy. For a few reasons.
Starting with believing that “falling in love” is a responsible approach to love in the first place.
I’ll explain.
“Falling in Love” Isn’t Really a Thing, Though
GiphyI’ve shared in other articles that Albert Einstein once said, “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” For the record, I believe the full quote is, “Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do, but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.” What he’s pretty much saying here is you don’t “fall” in love; love is a choice. And I agree.
However, let’s roll this back a bit. To fall is to drop, usually involuntarily. And as much as our culture is totally irresponsible when it comes to the word “love” (for instance, I can’t stand the television show For My Man; they constantly abuse the word. Love doesn’t make us do crazy things. Love doesn’t provoke reckless and violent behavior. Love isn’t criminal. Humans can come up with some very toxic behaviors; it’s not in the name of true love, though), the reality is that love doesn’t happen involuntarily. When you’re speaking of the I Corinthians 13 biblical version of love (love is patient, love is kind, love puts others first, love endures), if you really believe that God is love (I John 4:8&16) and if you think that love is an action and not just a feeling (and it is) — then no, it doesn’t “just happen.” Love is a series of decisions — with words and actions that follow. So no, y’all, you cannot actually “fall in love.”
What you can do is fall into attraction; you can be attracted to someone involuntarily (unintentionally, unconsciously), and sometimes that feeling can be so euphoric that you might be tempted to use the word “love” to define it — yet c’mon: does it even make mature sense to say that you did something as grand and life-altering as LOVE SOMEONE without intention or conscious? To me, that sounds like something a child would say. Give yourself more credit. Give love more credit, too.
And that’s why this part of the article has the heading that it does. It doesn’t matter if a saying is popular (a lot of popular stuff is dead wrong); it matters if it’s correct, and “falling in love” simply isn’t. Do I believe that you can be in love? Yes. Even then, though, not by yourself (check out “Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Difference”); the literal definition of “in” proves that (because in means “with”). Perhaps, if this was stated more, there would be less unhealthy relationships, less divorces, or more folks who took responsibility for who and how they loved instead of chalking it up to just being frivolous and emotional. You deserve better. LOVE DESERVES BETTER.
And that is a huge part of the reason why emophilia is hella problematic. It’s because everything that I just said, bucks it at every single turn. It wants people to think that you can just fall, over and over again, for the wrong people (for you), and you don’t need to take any type of personal accountability for it because…that’s just how love is — that’s just what being in love is like. Emophilia will have you out here being so emotionally promiscuous that you remain in the pattern of confusion by joining parts of yourself to pieces of others…when they simply don’t belong there.
And sadly, because emophilia is such a thing, it will encourage you to fix all of this by “falling in love,” yet again, when the actual thing that you should do is figure out how you became an emophiliac in the first place — so that you can stop “falling in love” and actually walk wisely and soberly into true love instead.
5 Ways to Break Free from Being an Emophiliac
GiphySo what if you saw yourself in at least a part of this and you’re ready to free your own self from emophilia. What should you do? For starters, here are five tips.
1. Take accountability for what got you here. If you are a fan of the “fall in love” phrase, it’s going to take a while to reprogram your mind from thinking that things “just happen” to you when it comes to relationships. So take a moment. Do some real soul-searching and journaling about why you like the concept of falling so much, if you’ve got a pattern that is counterproductive, and what you honestly think that needs to be done on your part. Oh, and if you know that you have an “unhealthy type” that you are drawn to, research their traits too.
2. Do some reading, researching, meditating, and praying about what love actually is. Real talk, this one is a lifelong journey. Just know that if folks even applied the I Corinthians 13 version alone, they would mature in love exponentially. When it comes to love, what I will say for now is love is something that betters your mind, body, and spirit and does not compromise in that way. If you are “loving someone” and you’re not getting these types of results or if your love isn’t making them better…it isn’t love. Attraction, maybe. Elation, perhaps. Love? Nah.
3. See a therapist (or relationship life coach). There are some clients I have who would probably admit that they are an emophiliac (or at least one in recovery) if you asked them. Most of them are single and some of them will randomly make an appointment with me just so that I can share with them what I see from the outside looking in. Listen, there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional if you’re trying to “unlearn to relearn” when it comes to all of this. I applaud it. More folks should.
4. Be abstinent for a while. You know the saying: If you want something different, you have to do things differently. For an emophiliac, all they know is going from person to person or relationship to relationship. You can’t really heal from this type of mindset unless you take some time away from what’s causing it in the first place. A season away from emotional promiscuity will help you to learn how to find other things that can make you feel good — other than a man, a relationship, or “falling in love.” That way, you can know when the love is real instead of the attraction being (potentially) deceptive.
5. CHOOSE. LOVE. I don’t care what this weird ass culture tries to cram down our throats: love doesn’t just happen to us; we choose it. Daily. Married people choose each other. Daily. If you’re dating someone, you are choosing them. Daily. This perspective is what brings integrity into love, longevity into love, and honor back to love.
That said, one thing that comes up when it comes to the topic of promiscuity is “casual” and love deserves so much more than words like “accidental,” “offhand” and “not premeditated.” If you’re going to really love someone, choose it; don’t be promiscuous about it. You deserve better. Love deserves better.
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For some of you, "emophilia" may be your something new for the day as far as the word. Yet, now that it’s been unpacked, if it’s something that you can relate to, more than just a lil’ bit, there’s no time like right at this very moment to stop being emotionally promiscuous…so that you can learn how to love the right way…the best way…the chosen way.
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