6 Things You May Not Have Known About 'Insecure' Star Jay Ellis
One thing we know about Jay Ellis is that he's sexy.
Incredibly sexy.
Ask him a question that some may consider slightly embarrassing and he will break into a flirtatious grin, look you straight in the eye, and confidently give a response that will leave you with crimson cheeks.
But the handsome actor is more than just a chiseled frame; he's also a man of substance. A man who rides motorcycles over a thousand miles with the Kiehl's LifeRide for amfAR for HIV/AIDS awareness, who brings a smile to young faces as a volunteer at the Children's Hospital in Los Angeles, and who turned his passion for Pilates into a business venture with a friend—teaching 20 hours worth of classes a year at his fitness studio, body +, back in Lafayette, Louisiana. In other words, off the screen he is a man that every woman dreams about.
When you meet Ellis, you'll understand why show creators and producers Salem Akil and Mara Brock-Akil snagged him the play the role of Bryce “Blue" Westbrook on season six of The Game. There was something special about the rookie actor that made them believe he had what was necessary to carry the show into the next season following the departure of lead actors Pooch Hall and Tia Mowry. Maybe it's because he's mastered the art of connecting with people, a skill he picked up as a military brat going to over 12 different schools and living in countries such as Germany and the Phillipines. Or maybe it's his relentless work ethic—a business degree from Concordia University has taught him that marketing yourself and constantly studying your craft are keys to success in the entertainment business, and has enabled him to standout as a doer amongst a crowd of dreamers.
Nowadays, Ellis is taking his career into his own hands with his next few projects, his starring role on Issa Rae's HBO series Insecure, producing two films as well as continuing to work with non-profit organizations such as Everyday People Initiating Change (E.P.I.C).
So how exactly do you catch a man like Jay Ellis? What is he looking for in his soulmate? Here's a few things we learned about Jay Ellis after our exclusive sit-down with the charming actor:
He's A Certified Pilates Instructor...
Years ago, a friend of mine that I used to model with moved back home to Lafayette, Louisiana. Initially he wasn't sure what he was going to do down there so we decided to open some stores together. We just built a new studio space that we own. To keep our insurance, I have to be trained in Pilates and I teach a minimum number of hours every year. I teach about 20 hours annually, which is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life because it's so much core strength that I thought I had, but these women are in class kicking my ass! They're making it look effortless while I'm literally shaking the entire time! But it's been amazing and a lot of fun.
The Best Date He Has Ever Been On...
It was like I was cast in an Ethan Hawke film that included a 24-hour walk through Paris. I was with the girl I was dating at the time, and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever done. She and I ended up not working out, but that experience was the epitome of romance. I don't know if I could ever have a moment that romantic again in my life.
The Qualities He Looks For In A Woman Are...
Focus, determination, and independence. I love a chick that's a boss. There's something about a woman that's independent who can still come home and have balance in her relationship. There's something that's incredibly sexy about a woman that's a boss who can come home and be a girlfriend, wife and a mother.
That's what I learned from my mom. She was the COO (Chief Operating Officer) of a twenty billion dollar bank. I've seen her in her office taking care of business then when she went home, she was in a very balanced relationship with my father. Though she was this powerful force at work, her strength never affected my parent's relationship.
The Most Profound Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Him...
It came from Mara Brock-Akil (Creator of The Game), Salim Akil (Director/Executive Producer), and Kenny Smith (Show Runner). When I got the role of Blue, I didn't understand how I got the job or why I was hired. They told me, "You have something that you don't realize and the fact that you don't realize it is why you're going to be successful." Even to this day, I still look at them like, I'm not sure what you're talking about. I just enjoying going to work everyday.
But it was something about what they said that gave me a confidence that I don't think I necessarily had before. Having someone believe in me and see something I wasn't even sure about is still such an amazing thing. Their words were so important to me because they were having me play a character that had such a huge impact on the future of the show. It felt like the pressure of whether or not The Game did well was on me. But their belief in me made me step up and feel like I could do my job with no judgment. I could simply show up, do the work and have fun.
He's An Advocate For HIV/AIDS Awareness...
HIV/AIDS has impacted my family. I've had an uncle that passed and another person that's lived with HIV for about fifteen years. African Americans are the highest affected community and we only make up 13% of the population. I participated in the Kiehl Liferide for Amfar last year. This year I'll be on a motorcycle for a week and ride over one thousand miles. Our infection rate is alarmingly higher then the rest of our counterparts in the country. I want to use my platform to be able to reach out to people that look like me to increase awareness.
He Believes Your 20s Sets You Up For Success In Your 30s...
Every single mistake, good decision and experience has built my character. From modeling to moving to LA, living in the mountains in Arizona for six months, the first time I got in a motorcycle accident, the three times I got fired from jobs; the first time I got an apartment, the first time I bought a house—all of those things set me up for today. Everything was an important lesson. I don't know if I could have handled being on a successful show like The Game and having that type of attention in my 20s. I believe your 20s are for setting you up to succeed in your 30s.
Your 30s are when you find your stride and figure out what you want to do and how you can really excel. If you figure all of this out in your 20s, God bless you; that's amazing. In your 30s, you should hopefully be stepping into your purpose and what you're supposed to be doing. You might be going through so much bullshit right now in your 20s, but when you get to where you're supposed to be you'll feel such a sense of peace.
Go behind-the-scenes of our shoot with Jay Ellis below:
Photography: Ashley Nguyen | Styling: Ugo Mozie | Grooming: Starlynn Burden | Videography: Jasmine "Jas Fly" Waters
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images