Tall Swag: Why This 6'6, 35-Year-Old Virgin Decided She's Worth The Wait
It's Finals week in the NBA and Alicia Jay Smith, Game Operations Manager for the Golden State Warriors, is team no sleep.
She slips her 6'6" frame into a sleek pair of black Alloy Apparel pants with a matching black boatneck tee––one of her go-to outfits for days when she lacks the time or energy to throw on something jazzier––and steps into her four-inch metallic pumps, bringing her towering frame just shy of seven feet.
Yeah. She's tall.
And if that isn't enough to make her stand out in a crowd, try throwing being a virgin into the mix. A 35-year-old virgin, that is. Not that she's boasting about it, nor is she pretending like she hasn't considered giving someone access to her cookie jar.
“I'll be honest with you. One of the reasons why I'm still a virgin is because I know once I start, it's going to happen constantly," she confesses.
“I want it to be with one person because personally I don't want to be with multiple people, but I know if I had started, that would be the case."
Today, Alicia speaks confidently about her decision to save herself until marriage. She openly shares her story and her struggles on her site Tall Swag, a fashion and lifestyle blog dedicated to her fellow long-limbed ladies. She even shot a pilot for Lifetime titled The Tallest Virgin in the World that dives into the real life of being a tall, single woman. But confidence isn't something that is developed in times of triumph, it's built in moments of struggle, and that's something that Alicia knows all too well.
Growing up in Portland, Oregon where the African-American population for the state hovers around 2 percent, Alicia's light skin and curly 'fro often became the source of ridicule from both childhood peers and adults alike. “I was called the N-word walking down the street in my neighborhood, and my PE teacher called me a black B-word," Alicia recalls. “My teacher used to bring me up in front of the class and tell people that I was terrible at spelling."
The racism didn't end at school, either. At home she was not only the darkest person on her block, but also on her mother's side of the family. When her father remarried, she caught heat for being too light. “Within some of my step-family specifically, [they thought] I was better than everybody else because I was whiter. So, I got [ridiculed] from both angles."
While her mom couldn't shield her from harsh criticisms, she could pour into her self-worth. The Smith household was Christian but not religious, and instead of forcing Alicia to attend church and practice abstinence, she taught her the value of being a woman and gave her the option to choose the path that she wanted to take in regards to her spiritual beliefs. "She laid them out and she said I can do this or I can do that," she recalls. "But when she talked about virginity and she talked about waiting for your husband, it was just something that I said, you know what, I do want to wait for my husband. I believe that whoever I marry deserves all of me and to share in all of that. So the church had an impact, but my mom really was the one that sparked this journey of virginity for me. I will always thank her, because I think when you force something on someone they rebel against it. And for her to give me the freedom to choose is the thing that was invaluable in my life."
Deciding that she was worth the wait was only half the battle. Taking a vow of purity not only cost her relationships, but also friendships from those unwarrantedly offended by her lifestyle choices to not have sex. She also doesn't drink, a decision she made after her older brother was killed in a drunk driving accident and watching her father battle with alcoholism. “There have been people that I thought were friends that could not handle the fact that I chose not to do certain things. When it comes to something like virginity or not drinking, I am not a judge of anyone. I want people to choose whatever they want to do and personal choice is a beautiful thing. But if you don't want to be my friend because of the choices that I make, I can't really complain about it because you weren't really a friend in the first place."
In high school being tall and being a virgin in a society where neither were positively embraced left Alicia with bouts of depression. To this day, parts of her past are still blacked out. It wasn't until attending college and joining the basketball team where she was surrounded by women striding securely in who they were that she began to view her height as a blessing instead of a curse. "I realized I'm not alone in this and it's actually an amazing thing to be tall. Over time I just looked around and said what am I doing? Why am I believing these lies that these people are telling me? Going forward, I grew in my confidence."
Finding power in her differences allowed her to embrace those who shared her commonalities. In 2007, she started her fashion blog for the tall in hopes to help others who struggled to find stylish threads. “Growing up, I wore boys' hand-me-down clothes because there was nothing for me. And to go from that to the resources that we have now is amazing."
As the site and positive responses grew, so did her voice and the courage to take the blog to new heights by speaking out on the more personal elements to her story, including the struggle with dating as a tall virgin. While her commitment to virginity is admirable, to some men, it's not necessarily desirable. “They think [virgins] aren't sexual people at all and that we don't like sex and that is not true at all. I just want to do it with one person."
Working in the NBA means that the players are off-limits, too, leaving her with those who approach her the wrong way or scaring off those who can't handle a tall woman who's comfortable in four-inch heels.
Despite the odds, Alicia is confident that it'll all play out in her favor. “It's another filter to find who he is," she says. "If someone can't handle confidence and they can't handle me waiting for them, they're not the person that I'm supposed to be with. I'm a firm believer that God leads him to you."
"If someone can't handle confidence and they can't handle me waiting for them, they're not the person that I'm supposed to be with."
But to keep it real, it gets hard. There are moments of impatience and questioning as to when her Boaz will come, especially since motherhood is something that she desires. "I'm imperfect, but at the end of the day, God does have everything planned out even before we're thought of. So all of these tests and trials are there to prepare me for what He has planned for me in the future."
She's not sitting around idly, though. When she's not beasting it on the sidelines at the games, she's walking in her purpose as a voice for those who need to be reminded of the beauty in their individuality, regardless of body type, race, or religious beliefs.
“It is okay to show the world who you are. It is okay to want to be something that isn't the societal norm. Overcoming the fear of being bold, you have to say no that insecure voice. That has helped me become the strong woman that I am."
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Have You Heard Of The 4B Movement? Here's Why It Matters.
Depending on what side of TikTok you’re on, you’ve been seeing an uptick in content about the 4B Movement. In response to South Korea having the world’s lowest birth rate, TikTok user @denimchromosome gave a brief synopsis of the movement on February 16. “Korean women are so done with Korean men that they’re literally just deciding to die out," she said in her post.
While the video is only 30 seconds, this user broke the movement down to its essence and sparked a broader conversation for people to fully dive into knowledge about the movement and why some Korean women have decided to fully commit to this push for gender equality and social justice.
What Is the 4B Movement?
The 4B Movement gained notoriety and prevalence in 2019 when a collective of Korean feminists decided they would no longer marry men (비혼 bihon), have children (비출산 bichulsan), date men (비연애 biyeonae), or have sex with men (비섹스 bisekseu). The name of the movement came from all four agreements, starting with the letter B in Korean. The women who have chosen to participate in this movement are doing so as a result of the blatant misogyny that exists in their society.
They are challenging the cultural norms of their country by removing themselves from the dating scene, ignoring the beauty standards and consumerism propagated toward women, and calling out the pay disparity in the Korean job market.
Go Min Hee, a political professor at Ewha Women's University in Seoul, told NPR, "Gender gap in education has disappeared with the declining number of children and growing attention to education.” As of 2003, women’s college enrollment rates in the region have surpassed men’s.
“But the income gap in the post-education labor market hasn't closed," she continued. South Korea has the largest gender pay gap in the developed world, as of 2022, women still made 31% less than their male counterparts.
In the same report, Jeong Han-Wool, head of the Research Institute of Korean People, shared “For a long time, patriarchal norms governed South Korean society. But those social norms dissolved with democratization, and I don't think we have established new norms that can fill the vacuum.”
Han-Wool said the 4B movement was ignited by the Me Too movement here in the U.S., which he said sparked a new wave of young feminists in South Korea.
While others don’t connect it directly to the movement, they doacknowledge that 4B emerged after multiple incidents of high-profile murders of Korean women, a rampant culture of revenge porn, and spy cam sex crimes were at an all-time high.
Additionally, there is blatant discrimination against women in the workplace; married women are often subjected to gender-based violence, and women are expected to take on the majority of household and child-rearing responsibilities.
Tackling Gender-Based Bias
Digital creator Ryan Carriger said, “Through amplifying the voices and the experiences of the movement, it can illuminate the far-reaching nature of gender-based bias and challenge the social structures that reinforce inequality.”
However, some, such as Anna Lee, have said that the Western media is sensationalizing this movement in South Korea. Despite the fact that reports from the country’s Ministry of Education support the quickly diminishing juvenile population, which many argue is a direct result of feminism. As of February 2024, 157 elementary schools throughout the country will have zero first graders. The lowest reported since the ministry began keeping records in 1970.
Likewise, because of the uptick in feminist voices, young men have shared their feelings of “reverse discrimination” and want the government to get rid of the Gender Equality Ministry in large part because it’s making the job market even more competitive.
Yet, this government entity focuses on more than career equity. One of its main purposes is to protect Korean women who are victims of gender-based crimes such as sexual assault and rape. Opponents of the government’s desire to dismantle this ministry believe it is a dangerous idea and will only lead to more harm toward women in the future.
As the online dialogue continues to build around the 4B Movement, many women from across the world are standing in solidarity with the women of South Korea. Some American women online are sharing a similar sentiment that they’ve already committed to the agreements of the 4B Movement in their personal lives without knowing it was associated with any deliberate social activism.
@wtfaleisa Replying to @user9720585462941 ♬ original sound - wtfaleisa
Decentering Men and Toxic Patriarchy
As many women’s studies scholars have found throughout history, to truly gain gender equality, you have to destabilize patriarchal systems and institutions. Activist, feminist, and author bell hooks once wrote, "Feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression. Decentering men is a central aspect of this movement." Judith Butler, a gender studies scholar, has further added that decentering men "does not mean erasing men or their experiences, but rather acknowledging that our social and political structures have been built around a narrow understanding of masculinity."
Yet, in true social media form, some of the discussions that are emerging online are demonizing, shaming, and insulting women who are choosing to distance themselves from men, that are collectively harmful to their overall well-being. Proponents of the movement are providing counterarguments to these videos.
Some people can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that there are women who would rather be single, have full autonomy over their bodies, and build a life that they want for themselves. Many naysayers of the 4B Movement are calling these actions misandry.
Carrieger disagrees with the notion that the movement is discriminatory against men and says, “Just as Black individuals have long fought against systemic racism and oppression, women have faced their own battles against gender-based discrimination and inequality.” He continues, “The 4B movement's call to challenge traditional gender roles and advocate for the empowerment of women reflects the struggle for equality that resonates within the Black community.”
Finding Common Ground for Social Justice
Historically, any oppressed group looking to gain equal citizenship in a society is always met with pushback, violence, shame, and blame. We saw it with America's civil rights and women's suffrage movements. We saw it with the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa and, most recently, with the women’s movement in Iran. This conversation could continue for hours upon hours, and the debates on whether women hate men could rage on for millennia.
The one piece of the conversation that some people are failing to address is that women, not only in Korea but globally, have decided they’d rather be single, child-free, and at peace than have to be subjected to constant trauma, discrimination, and abuse.
It goes without saying that not all men fall in line with patriarchal beliefs or disagree that there are toxic men in the world. However, this conversation is about a collective experience women around the globe share when it comes to their roles in a misogynistic world.
Even women who are in loving relationships and happy to be mothers have shared their understanding of why women would not want to have anything to do with men. Women standing up for themselves and not wanting to feel like second-class citizens isn’t an attack on men, but a call for them to be held accountable for their behavior, both past and present.
And for men to acknowledge that women play just as important a part in society as they do.
I’ll leave you with this quote from activist and scholar Angela Davis: "Decentering men is not about diminishing men or their contributions, but about recognizing that true liberation requires challenging all forms of oppression, including patriarchy."
This quote fully embodies the essence of the 4B Movement and similar movements that aim to decentralize men in our global society.
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images