Why The Backlash Against The DC Twerk Victim Reflects An Over Sexualized Society
Woman wanted for sexual abuse after twerking on man in gas station.
By now, I'm sure you've seen that headline splattered across your timelines and news feeds with jokes to accompany the story. While many filled comment sections with LOL's, I, unfortunately, didn't find the incident funny at all.
Two women were caught on camera randomly twerking on a man they did not know at a gas station on October 7th. In the video, one of the women throws herself against Washington Tharpe, a middle school teacher as he attempts to pay for something at the register. As she gyrates on him, footage shows him slowly backing away, with the second woman aggressively approaching and proceeding to grope Tharpe, even after he uncomfortably moves away. Tharpe said he told the woman to stop after she began to inappropriately touch him. “It looks like I just had some girls twerking on me and I just called the police. That is not what happened at all.”
“I was going around in circles trying to maneuver myself away from them and they just keep continuing, continuing, continuing,” for a full 10 minutes, the man known as the “DC twerk victim” shares. The women follow him outside where they refuse to let him in his car and he believes he was being set up after seeing two men witnessing the event. It gets even creepier when he finally does get into his car and the women follow him into the car wash. It was then that Tharpe decided to call police.
I’ve read comments since the story found its way to the web and seen a lot of people take the situation as joke. There’s been a lot of questioning his masculinity and referring to him as a woman’s genitalia, just for calling the police and feeling uncomfortable. Of course, valid points have been made when he said that had he touched those women, he would’ve been apprehended and charged with sexual assault. It reminded me of an incident that happened at a party with one of my sons earlier this year.
During a party, the children in attendance were asked to participate in a dance contest. As one of these new school hype songs played, one girl, no older than seven, innocently decided to dance with my youngest. But things took a turn left when she decided to back up on my son, thus making the adults hype up the moment with “Ayeee” and “Go, go, go!” disregarding the discomfort on my son’s face. I immediately interjected and pulled my son away, asking him how he felt. He wasn’t having it. In removing my child from something that he didn’t take a liking to, I was faced with remarks from other parents who told me to leave him and reminded me that it “was all in fun,” and to “let him be a kid.” No one thought about the fact that my five-year-old didn’t want his space invaded because his uneasiness was someone else’s entertainment.
Of course, I was advised that not interacting with girls would result in him “turning gay” when he gets older. Preventing him from engaging with the girl through dance would mean that he would be Washington Tharpe in the future–a man who actually turns down the opportunity to have sex. The same people who thought it best to forewarn me weren’t the same ones telling him about sexual harassment being very real for boys and men either. While the statistics of sexual harassment against women are frightening and overshadow that of men, it doesn’t mean that it’s not real for males in the workplace or on the street.
The adverse reactions to Tharpe’s encounter in October sparked dialogue on the double standards that exist. Had the man touched the woman from the beginning of the recording, this article would’ve been on the continuance of our bodies being viewed as a man’s playground. Had he touched them in return, this wouldn’t have been news, period. But we need to talk about the reality of our young boys and men being sexually assaulted and having their sexuality interrogated. We need to talk about why the backlash on this particular incident is reflective of an over sexualized society that says men should be okay with being touched inappropriately because they're hyper sexual beings to begin with. I've been called an overprotective parent, but I cannot preach the importance of keeping our hands to ourselves to my sons, but allow someone to touch them in the same ways I deem wrong. Life has plenty of two-way street moments.
“It is not about me being afraid or not afraid or embarrassed or not embarrassed. I am speaking the truth. Maybe it will help someone else in the future,” the teacher says. With young boys becoming grown men who find suppressing their emotions as masculine behavior, I don’t believe Tharpe was wrong for calling the police or talking about the incident. He could have resorted to being physically violent against the women or stayed silent–something we suggest women of sexual assault to be vocal about. Since the video has gone viral, one of the two women have been arrested and charged with sexual abuse. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would’ve hoped the male was jailed immediately. The woman was wrong and doesn't get a pass because of who she is in my book. Maybe a small twerk “isn't that deep,” but when someone says stop it’s something that should be respected. We have been speaking out a lot about equality, haven’t we?
That man could be one of my sons, and discussing how to respond after being violated and touched without consent is a conversation that we should have with our girls and boys from young ages. I’m honest enough to say that I still struggle with teaching my child how to draw the line between playing and understanding that his body shouldn’t be touched if he doesn’t give permission. But that moment a few months ago opened a door where he is aware and knows the significance in no–even if society is blind to the reality of sexual abuse towards men.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Think Homeownership Is Out Of Reach? Here's The Starter Guide To Buying A House
When it comes to homeownership, many of us might be holding some preconceived notions as well as valid fears that it's just out of reach. From the unstable housing market to rising prices, to challenges with employment and other financial factors, it might seem that owning a home was something only our grandmothers or mothers could enjoy. But all hope is not lost.
In fact, research points to Black women being the leaders behind a boost in homeownership in the past few years, and even during the pandemic, we continued on our plight to leaving renting for ownership.
If you've had some doubts or don't know where to start, here's a quick guide for prepping to make your homeownership dreams a reality:
1. Get your mind right.
A 2022 Bank of America survey found that while 48% of Black women "feel confident about their finances," only 28% actually "feel empowered to take action" fueled by this confidence.
This first step is often overlooked, but oftentimes, when we're starting any new journey, especially one that involves a big change both physically (i.e. moving to a whole new environment) and financially, you'll need to set your mind on positive thoughts, confidence, and boldness. You have to know that you can indeed be a homeowner, that you deserve the desires of your heart, and that you are more than capable of navigating the process.
With high rates of student loan debt, rental income disparities, and a lot of the home responsibilities falling on us, among other challenges, it can indeed seem like a tough feat to go the homeownership route, but it is certainly doable with the right mindset, strategy, and support.
Lean into affirmations, prayer, therapy, coaching, and real-life inspiration to clear your mind of doubts and fears and use that energy to progress toward your dream home purchase. Open your mind to all the options, resources, and programs that are afforded to you and the alternative ways to reach your goals.
2. Get real about your finances.
Many experts agree on this second step, as you'll need to know where you are financially in order to be sure of what type of house you want, where you want to live, and whether you can afford the mortgage. Usually, this includes having (or creating) a budget and getting to know your expenses versus your take-home pay. If you don't already have a budget, create one and start to really get focused on knowing exactly what money's coming in and what's going out.
Also, getting into a savings routine and looking into investing, even if it's as simple as signing up for your 401K with your job, opening a retirement account on your own via companies like Fidelity or JP Morgan, or starting brokerage accounts with platforms like Charles Schwab or Robinhood. This will allow you to get into the habit of building wealth and having multiple sources to tap into in terms of financial assets.
3. Stop counting yourself out due to reasons like "bad credit" or low income.
If you need assistance with budgeting or learning more about money management, there are free resources out there (try here or here). You can also tap into local resources like nonprofits, financial advisers, or the professionals you bank with, especially if it's a credit union.
There are also resources for strategizing how to improve your credit, boost your income, and develop better financial fitness habits, so tap into those as well. You can do this! Sit down, write out your goals, work with a coach, and start one small step at a time.
Bad credit and other financial challenges don't necessarily bar you from achieving your dreams of owning a home. Look into rent-to-own options or financiers who offer home loans to people with credit under 620. There are also federal lenders that are ideal for those with low or no credit.
Go into your current bank and get to know your options so that you'll know what's actually available to you and what's possible beyond the fears or negative self-talk. Take a free class via the National Urban League or other local resources through a quick Google search. You'd be surprised what options are out there when you simply make a few appointments, do a bit of research, network, and ask.
4. Figure out your plan for your first payment and the right mortgage fit.
A down payment is often required (or at least encouraged) when you're buying a home, so once you've gotten clear on your financial status, what type of house you want, where, and how much you can afford based on your income, think about how you'll save up (or pay) the first payment for the investment.
Twenty percent of the total cost of the home has often been mentioned as a place to start, but experts say you don't necessarily have to have that much. However, be aware that when you put down less than that, you'll have to get mortgage insurance, and it will likely add to your monthly mortgage payment, so keep that in mind. There are assistance programs on the state and federal levels that can help you navigate this and even assist with the cost, especially if you're a first-time homebuyer. (Start here for more great information on this.)
Getty Images
When it comes to your dream home and consideration of a mortgage, think outside the box. Your dream home might be a $500,000 ranch-style home in a major metro area but if that's going to have you living above your means or struggling to pay the down payment and monthly mortgage in tough times, considering an adjacent city or county in the same state or the same type of house in an area that's more up-and-coming.
There are also different types of mortgages that might be a good fit for you based on various factors. For example, conventional loans offer low minimum down payments but have more stringent qualifications, while FHA loans are mortgages backed by the Federal Housing Administration and are generally easier to qualify for but have stricter requirements related to mortgage insurance. (You can research more information on types of loans and how to qualify here and here.)
5. Start the pre-approval process and ask lots of questions before agreeing to a loan.
You'll also need to get pre-approved, so once you've found the right type of loan, do your research on who to partner with on your mortgage. Be sure, for example, that if you're going for an FHA loan, the loan provider is FHA-approved. According to NerdWallet, prospective home buyers should consider how a lender’s sample rates compare with today's mortgage rates, determine the closing costs, and "compare mortgage origination fees.” Become super-aware of the terms and timing for the loans and how these might change over time or in the future. Ask lots of questions or get help via a reputable consultant or coach.
Preapproval is necessary for getting the "real numbers," because lenders have access to detailed information about your finances. The process will include a hard credit inquiry, which shows up on your credit report, however, when you apply with multiple lenders around the same time, according to Bankrate, it only counts as one hard pull. This is because credit scoring models "take mortgage rate-shopping into account" and "group multiple inquiries together" if the credit checks all happen within a 45-day period. You'll need documents including W2s, pay stubs, and others (listed here.)
You can use the pre-approved lender at the end of the process, once you're ready to buy, or you can use a new one if, by the end of the process, you've found a better deal.
6. Research and vet your real estate agent before contracting with them.
Experts recommend interviewing multiple buyer's agents to be sure you're getting someone with your best interests at heart. Ask family, friends, and coworkers for referrals, look at the agent's online reviews, and be sure they're licensed in your state. Check out their Zillow or other professional profiles online and look at their track record. Ask them questions like "How long have you been in business," "How well do you know the area," and "How will you be corresponding with me, and how often?" (Here's a full list of interview questions for getting started.)
There’s a difference between a buyer’s agent, who represents a homebuyer in a real estate transaction, and a seller’s or listing agent, who is responsible for looking out for the seller, including pricing and marketing the home. Many agents do both, but some specialize in one or the other. Some states don’t allow dual agency, and it can there are some risks associated with that. There are referral agents who provide leads to other agents for a fee.
7. When shopping around, take your time and don't make hasty decisions.
Work with your real estate agent to view properties and think along the lines of making a long-term investment. You'll more than likely be living in the house for quite some time (even if you plan to sell and move on later) so you'll want to have some forethought on your why and how you'd like to live in the long term. Think about the community, how you'll live in the home, and what will best suit your long-term needs.
Real estate agents also recommend looking for red flags when viewing a home like poor tiling, evidence of leaks, or covering of flaws (such as "strong perfumes" or gaps in tile, for example). Be aware of potential issues like bodies of water nearby (possibility of flooding) or paint bubbling around windows (possible problems with ventilation). They also recommend looking past the aesthetics, lifting carpets, or asking about recent property maintenance.
While this guide is simply a snapshot to get you started, allow it to encourage you to go boldly for your dreams of homeownership with confidence and a plan. Be sure to utilize all resources afforded to you, do your research, and walk proudly into your next elevation to owning the home of your dreams.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Riska/Getty Images