Why Shacking Up Works For Me
There are many reasons why people choose to live with their significant others. For some, it's a result of their engagement or maybe it's financial, but for many it's simply a mutual agreement.
While in reality we no longer live in a day and age where “shacking up" is considered abnormal, there are still many people who frown upon the idea because they believe it promotes pre-marital children and can somehow prevent a man from making you his wife.
I was 19 years old and a junior at Spelman College in Atlanta when I made the decision to move in with my boyfriend and his roommate. Four years later, while living together in Los Angeles, I still get the same negative judgment from people.
As someone with Puerto Rican heritage, I don't receive direct judgment from my family, as it's common in our culture for young women to live with their boyfriends. Not to mention the fact that we're from New York and don't necessarily have traditional beliefs. However, this judgment is often from the parents of my friends – mainly from the South. I remember having a pretty intense conversation with one of their moms. Her argument being that I'd probably never get a ring since we live together, I can hear her now saying “Hunny, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
"Hunny. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
The fact is, if I had made that decision at 19 to be his wife there would be no judgment, but there also wouldn't be any happiness in a union between two college students unprepared for that commitment. So, yes, I am perfectly fine with shacking up.
For starters, it's more affordable. When I first made the decision to move in with my boyfriend, it was purely financial. We were ALWAYS spending time together, and I just couldn't rationalize paying rent for my apartment that was always empty. It's no different for us financially than living with a roommate. We split bills and are not financially dependent on one another. I also don't place this unrealistic expectation on him to pay for everything. We live comfortably together, as opposed to the struggle life individually.
We're also able to get to know each other better. In fact, many of the older women who judge me for living with my boyfriend fail to realize that often their mentees, nieces, etc. are unhappy within their own relationships. No shade, but many young women make bad choices in men and focus on the wrong things even with this so-called “advice."
Relationships are all about the chemistry. Living with my boyfriend for several years, I have learned so much about him. The habits that I love and the things that get on my nerves, and I am happy to say they're things I can deal with.
I feel comfort in knowing the man I will marry will not be a complete stranger to me. But more importantly, he will be a man that genuinely respects and cares for me.
"I feel comfort in knowing the man I will marry will not be a complete stranger to me."
My man also keeps me motivated. As a woman who works a full-time corporate job in addition to pursuing my dream as an entertainment reporter, my schedule is insane. Sometimes I spend 12 hours in the office then head to a red carpet event. From there, I have to stay up until 2 am editing my footage. Being able to come home to a supportive man provides me with the peace I need to keep me motivated.
He's also extremely creative, works in the film industry and often spends long nights with me providing input and feedback while I'm editing my own footage. He even reviewed this blog post for me. Overall, he is an important part of my support system, and it's those late night random conversations where we're really able to get to know each other on a much deeper level.
Also, let's face it many young women get pregnant while living right under their parents' roof, so living with my boyfriend clearly doesn't mean that I am at greater risk of having pre-marital children than any other woman. Intimacy is more than sex, and living with my boyfriend has definitely taught me that.
When a woman questions “Why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free?" she forgets to acknowledge that the milk isn't free. I know my current goals and do not feel the need to validate my choices to older women who live by traditional values. The same values, which left many women in unhealthy and unhappy marriages.
My name is Jaleesa Lashay and I choose to shack up...unapologetically.
If you have any personal stories that you'd like to share with the readers of xoNecole, please submit your essays to editor@xonecole.com for a chance to have your voice heard and your story featured!
Jaleesa Lashay is a film reporter and TV host in Los Angeles. She focuses on engaging in conversations that challenge representations within Hollywood. For more, follow her on IG @JaleesaLashay.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage