Period Sex Is Not A Turn-Off
I know, I know, I know. I can only guess where your minds are after reading this title – somewhere between interested and not in a million years, disgust palpable, at the very next exit – two extremes not at all unique to the subject at hand. There's something very taboo about a crimson dick.
For whatever reason, there has been a large degree of social stigma affiliated with something naturally occurring within our bodies as women. Periods are perceived to be a "no sex zone", off limits, do not pass go, exit stage right moment on a month to month basis for four to six days, 12 months out of the year (the schedule varies for those who are irregular or on contraceptives intended to stop or regulate monthly cycles).
I've only ever heard what was wrong about periods. What made it a nuisance, what made it painful, what made it stressful, what made it barren -- empty. It is very rare that it is flipped on its head to be appreciated for what it is. By definition, it's feminine nature, and therefore it's power. It's one of those undeniable things that make you a woman, a giver of life, a creator of life. A period symbolizes that capability and is a reminder of what your womb space and canal are purposed for. That in itself is beautiful. As an extension of me and my womanhood, why couldn't it be sexy?
The tides turned and the floodgates finally opened one night a few years into my sex life where I was honest with myself and my inner desires. During ovulation, hormones within the body are believed to be at their highest, but many women (including me) also find themselves feeling heightened in their libido. There was something about being forced to refrain from sex that made me want it more, period or no period.
I tried it.
I liked it.
And though I will be very honest and say that it is not as seamless a routine as mundane sex, it can be just as primal, intimate, and -- well -- sexy.
The conversation that led me to giving it a try was relatively easy, especially because I was inebriated and with a partner who held the philosophy of “A period doesn't stop nothing but a sentence." When I dropped my ideals and adopted his, the sex flowed, no pun intended. We put down a towel, grabbed a condom (because don't be fooled, you can get pregnant while on your period, uterine lining shedding or not), and I was able to try it out without my overthinking getting in the way of what I was feeling. And it was awesome!
I've found that not only am I more sensitive and more aroused at this time, but around day three or four of my cycle, the amount of blood down there is very minimal, especially when excited. Use a shower as your love-making setting of choice to help with the clean up efforts post-coitus. The positions you choose can also be a help to alleviate the presence of your period during sex. I've found that missionary is easiest because the level of depth can be controlled a lot better. Doggy style and other positions where depth reigns truest should be avoided at the start of the period but can be worked in as the flow becomes lighter later on in the cycle.
If blood doesn't bother you much, by all means, let it go, let it flow.
My a-ha moment with how I felt about period sex led me to wondering how others outside of me viewed period sex. I expected to hear a lot more hell no's but was pleasantly surprised at the thoughts that unfolded…
“I have no issue having sex with a woman on her period, I've done it a lot actually. From my experience, my woman is extremely horny during that time anyway, and as a man who loves sex, who am I to deny her? It's not nearly as bad as people imagine it to be." – Jason R.
“I have before. And it was really good. However, I was also drunk. But I can't say I'm against it. The mindset usually is period means 'no sex'. Learning exactly what a period is actually helped me to appreciate a woman's body." – Stephen G.
“Period sex isn't bad. If you're horny, you're horny. Put a towel down and get it to it. It's just a confirmation that I'm not pregnant. It works best in relationship though. When you're in a relationship you've kinda already passed all the boundaries of trying to be cute all the time. Plus, sometimes I get super horny on my period and just want it. So who would turn down free sex especially when it helps with my cramps and my mood? Win win." – Shantell H.
“I think period sex is fine. I don't really see a big deal with it. But personally, I wouldn't do it. I'm self conscious enough as it is and I'm not ready for it." – Anna P.
“I can't see myself having sex on a period…I like foreplay too much maybe more than sex itself and not to be able to get it because Mother Nature wants to interfere, sex isn't as enjoyable for me if no foreplay is involved." – Shannon C.
“I'm cool with it. I haven't done it often, but it was always a good experience when it happened. I've never thought that a period was something that should prevent you from sharing your love. It's human, it's womanly, it's real." – Jaden A.
“Period sex is a part of life for all but some people indulge. I've indulged before. I've had protected and unprotected sex with a woman on her cycle but during the last day and maybe the first. It's not something I aim to do, but it's definitely something I'm conscious of." – Neilson B.
How do you feel about period sex? Share with me below!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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It’s been nearly twenty years since India.Arie’s crown anthem, “I am not my hair,” gave Black women an affirmation to live by. What followed was a natural hair revolution that birthed a new level of self-love and acceptance. Concerns around how to better care for our hair birthed an entire new generation of entrepreneurs who benefitted from the power of the Black dollar. Retailers made room for product lines made for us, by us, on their shelves, and we further affirmed that though our hair doesn’t define us, it is part of our unique self-expression.
Today, that movement has turned into a wig uprising where Black women are able to experiment with colors, styles, and more without causing irreparable damage to our hair. It could even be said that we’ve arrived at a new level of acceptance: one that does not equate love of oneself to one’s willingness or lack thereof to wear her hair the way others deem acceptable. Not even other people who look like us.
However, as with Blackness itself, the issue of Black women’s hair is layered.
On the surface, it’s nothing more than a matter of personal preference. However, in a deeper dive, issues of texture, curl pattern, and of course, proximity to social acceptance, as well as other runoff streams from the waters of racism and patriarchy, rear their heads. The natural hair movement, though a wide-reaching and liberating community builder, also gave way to colorism and often upheld mainstream beauty standards.
Sometimes, favoring lighter-skinned influencers/creators with very specific hair textures, the white gaze leaked into our safe space and forced us to reckon with it. Accurate representations of natural hair in various states of being—undefined curls, kinks, and unlaid edges—are still absent from brand marketing. Protective styles, though intended to provide breaks from styling for our sensitive hair, have become a mask to help our hair be more palatable. A figurative straddle of the fence in order to appease the comfort of others in the face of our hair’s power.
And then there’s the issue of length.
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As a woman who has spent much of the last decade voluntarily wearing her hair in many variations of short hairstyles, from a pixie cut to a curly fro and a sleek bob, what I’ve gleaned throughout the years is that there is a glaring difference between how I am treated when wearing my hair short than when I opt for weaves, extensions or even grow it out slightly longer than my chin.
The differential treatment comes from women and men alike and spans professional and personal settings, including friends, coworkers, and industry peers.
What has become abundantly clear is that long hair is often conflated with beauty, softness, and any number of other words we relate to femininity in a way that short hair is not. That perceived marker of the essence of womanhood shows up in how I am received, communicated with, and complimented.
Even more so than texture, length has a way of deciding who among us is deserving of our attention, affection, and adoration. Whether naturally grown or proudly bought, the commentary around someone’s look or image greatly shifts when “inches” are present.
When it comes to long hair, we really, really do care.
In an effort to understand whether I had simply been misinterpreting the energy around my hair, I decided to take my findings to social media. I began with two side-by-side photos of myself. In both pictures, my hair is straightened; however, in one, I am wearing my signature pixie cut, and in the other, I am wearing extensions.
I posited that treatment based on hair length is a real thing, and what followed was confirmation that I was not alone in my feelings. “Long hair, like light skin, button noses, and being thin are all forms of social capital,” one user commented. “Some Black women enforce the status quo too, why wouldn’t we?”
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This also brought to mind the many times celebrity women (like most recently Beyoncé's Cécred hair tutorial) have done big reveals of their own natural tresses in an attempt to silence any doubt that Black women are able to grow their hair beyond a certain length. Of course, we all know that to be true, so why do we still feel the need to prove it so?
The responses continued to pour in from women of all skin tones, who felt that hair length played a role in people’s treatment of them. “When I have short hair I always feel like people don’t treat me like a woman, they treat me like a kid,” another user commented. “When my hair is long I get a lot more respect for some reason.”
From revelations about feeling invisible to admitted shifts in their own perceived beauty, Black woman after Black woman poured out her experience as it relates to hair length. Though affirmed by their shared realities, knowing that reactions to something so trivial have become yet another hair battle for Black women to fight was disheartening. Though we continue to defy gravity and push the bounds of imagination and creativity by way of our strands, will it always be in response to the idea that we are, somehow, falling short?
Unlike more obvious instances of hair discrimination, the glorification of longer length is sneakier in its connection to Eurocentric beauty standards. Hair commercials, beauty ads, and even hip-hop music have long celebrated the idea of gloriously long tresses while holding onto the ignorant notion that it is inaccessible for Black women.
Even as we continue to fight to prove our hair professional, elegant, and worthy in its natural state to the world at large, we’ve also adopted harmful value markers of our own as a community. It’s evident in how we talk about who has the right to start a haircare line and which influencers we easily platform. It’s evident in the language we use to identify those with long hair versus short hair. And it’s painfully obvious in how we treat one another.
It makes me wonder if India.Arie’s brave rallying cry, almost two decades old in its existence, will ever actually hold true for us. Or will we just continue to invent new ways to uphold the harmful status quo?
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Feature image by Willie B. Thomas/ Getty Images