I Tried 3 Different Methods Of Birth Control And These Were The Side Effects
I can remember so vividly when my life journey with contraceptives first began.
I was a few months shy of turning 18, and my relationship with my love interest at the time was going incredibly fast–so fast that he had become my first. I was in the living room and my mom was sitting at the computer in the kitchen when I posed the question, “Can I get on birth control?" She was quiet for a few heartbeats before asking, “Are you having sex?" I told her yes. “I'll schedule you an appointment with the doctor next week." It was that simple.
I still think on that memory and laugh a little bit at how uncomfortable, but necessary those types of conversations are and how seamlessly my mom always allowed me to have them, mainly because she did not want to talk details. Remain as surface as possible and she's fine. Birth control was surface and preventative. She could deal with that.
I got on Loestrin 24 Fe shortly after.
It was a godsend. A little white pill that came in a packet of 28 – 24 of them hormones, four of them placebos. In the beginning, I loved them. My body was so full of hormones that I did not have a normal period for the first four months of my use. My partner and I loved that and I'm sure you can guess the reasons why. And the pill was a godsend to my very hormonal acne. The hormones in the pills balanced out my issues with my severe acne and cleared up my skin completely in a matter of months. I didn't wear makeup before, but I definitely didn't need it after.
For $54 a month, it was on the pricey side but as someone who was sexually active, was in a monogamous relationship, and didn't really like the feel of condoms, Loestrin was an ideal way to protect myself from getting pregnant.
But a couple of years into being about that oral contraceptive life, I was hit with a harsh reality of my doctor no longer being able to write prescriptions of Loestrin for me at a discounted rate. And the old rate of $54 had become doubled.
Yes, I love my health, but damn!
As a college student on an extra extra tight budget, that kind of price point didn't work for me. At this point, I was out of my long-term relationship. I was fine with eliminating the cost of an oral contraceptive for now, replacing it with a box of Trojans that I kept in my bedside table for the time being in case I did partake in casual sex.
Condoms were my default way of protecting myself from babies and the risk of STDs (aka, I can't trust these hoes or their tired lines of, “I don't have a rubber on me." “Sir, I have one. No worries.")
When I entered a new relationship, I became interested in alternatives to condoms once more. I thought about IUDs, but didn't like the idea of something being implanted up into my vagina for a lengthy amount of time like that, sight unseen. A roommate of mine told me about how she does Depo-Provera, mainly to reduce menstrual cramps, but she discussed its ease and efficacy. And it was easy and efficient. I went to my doctor, requested the shot, got one in my shoulder, and was told that after 24 hours it would go into effect. One shot every three months and it lowers your chances of getting pregnant all the way down to 0.3%? It sounded too good to be true.
And you know what? For me it was.
Every side effect that you could possibly have with Depo-Provera, I got.
I gained a little weight: no complaints here. I was nauseous, but what's a little nausea? I could deal with that. What I could not deal with, was the havoc the shot wreaked on my skin. Before any birth control products and well into my pubescent years, I had bad skin, it reverted and I was delivered, but Depo brought all of that back and with a vengeance. I had the worst breakouts all on my back and shoulders, my chest, my cheeks, my jawline–it was awful. Painfully cystic acne. I had one shot and I was done. Every woman is different, everybody is different, and Depo just did not work with my chemistry for whatever reason. I could deal with certain side effects, but the return of horrific skin was not one of them.
I went to another roommate who told me about how she does oral contraceptives to prevent pregnancy and regulate her periods. I remembered how much greener the grass was on the other side, so I was willing to give the pill another try. She told me about a $9 option that Walmart offers called Sprintec to women who do not have coverage on their insurance plans for contraceptives (which are a lot of women surprisingly–what's up with that?).
I was on the pill for another year to year and a half. I'm guessing due to its affordability and to the fact that it was a generic brand, Sprintec didn't offer the same skin benefits that Loestrin did. Honestly, it made the pill's luster dim quite a bit for me. I was finding it hard to keep up with wanting to wake up at 6 A.M. every day to take a pill, especially during times of droughts where I was abstaining from sex.
The ritual of taking one every day, 365 days a year was boring.
The things we must do as women…
Although I completely understand that life comes with its share of big pills to swallow, I still haven't gotten over how many annoying things come with being a woman. Birth control being one of them. It's one of those necessary evils to counteract aspects of nature that we wish to prolong or inhibit. Some women use birth control to help with painful periods, some take them to regulate irregular periods, and some to stop Mother Nature for doing its thing and making babies. I'm very much in the latter part of birth control intents and purposes. I think through trial and tribulation, I'm finally going to settle on oral again. Ever since a lot more health insurance plans are required to cover out of pocket expenses for birth control due to the Affordable Care Act, it's a little easier to get what it is I'm looking for, without settling for its discounted counterpart.
The third time's the charm, right? Let us hope and pray.
Have you struggled with your contraceptive measures too? Share your stories below, let's make this a contraceptive circle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images