When You're In Love... And He's Not
The first time I told him I love him was three weeks after our first date, legs up, orgasm raking its way throughout my body, and I said it, repeated it like a mantra or a prayer.
I was embarrassed, but the guy I was dating never said anything. He made me feel like it was OK to express the pleasure from my orgasm in that way. He was the first person who I've ever been able to achieve a climax with and I think largely it's how in sync our energies seem to be, how much I allow myself to take down my guard, and the fact that it wasn't a goal for him – if it happened, it happened. I don't know if I loved him then or if I loved the feeling he gave me, but I do know that I love him now.
I think the more time has passed, the more I expected to hear him say, “I love you". I rested my value on those three words, our potential for a future, my willingness to wait on those three words. We had a conversation four months into things where I told him that I felt we were too different. I put my faith wholeheartedly into my emotions and allow them to lead me, meanwhile, he feels his emotions but will not allow them to take precedence over his mind or his logic. That alone makes us feel worlds apart at times. He feels as though his presence is enough to show me that he's here, that he wants us, that he's serious about me and committing while I value words just as much as I value action. He considers such things to be redundant because he feels like he knows, I should know. I used to say “I love you" and hear “I know" and it felt like a kick in my gut. My heart would sink because I felt like, if he didn't know how to say it by now, then it would never be love.
I used to look at us and feel like Damn, am I one of those dumb chicks that I speak against waiting for a man to change himself for me? But then I put our relationship into perspective, I remember how his honesty is one of the things that I love and respect most about him. He'd tell me the truth always before I'd ever hear a lie. I remember my father talking to me and posing a question of,
“Would you rather someone tell you they love you and mean it or say I love you just to get something they want from you?"
Perspective.
I've never waited on this man. All of the changes that I've seen him make to be a better man to me and for me have been alterations he's made on his own to be worthy of a place in my world. I didn't have to beg him to build or call me his woman or make time and create space in his life for me. He was a man. He led himself, even if I was the light that sparked his desire to be better.
I found strength somewhere in that perspective.
"I started to realize that love is something that should be without expectations."
I say “I love you" because I do, not because I expect something in return, a reward of some sort for revealing my truth. I reminded myself that I have nothing to do with how someone else feels. When I adjusted my worldview to come from a place of abundance versus a place of lacking, I could see the expectation wash away, I could feel the hurt and resentment and inadequacy leave me. When you're both in the same book but in different chapters, it is possible for things to work, especially when patience is there and the focus is not placed on negative emotions.
These days, my “I love yous" are met with “I love you too" and my favorite way to hear it said back to me is when he is in the middle of laughter or he's close to reaching his peak and can't help but tell me just how much because I feel that damn good to him. I don't think it's quite as high or euphoric as my kind of in love, but his love for me is deep. Isn't it interesting how in romantic love, we crave to feel the fleeting type of love versus that immovable, constant one that our friendships and family relationships are bound with?
Some days are easier than others, but I'm definitely no longer obsessing over it as I did in the past when I used to Google “how to make him fall in love" and try to take heed like a recipe.
"Love isn't that formulaic. Love just is."
And in the same way it found me open and I took a leap, he has too as well. It's nothing I can do. I asked him recently, “How can we be an item when I'm in love and you're not?" “I'll get there baby, just be patient with me." Patience, there's that word again so I'll be that for him. His honesty, his loyalty, his persistence, his dedication, and his own patience make me feel his love for me every day. He'll get there.
The key is not to wait while you're patient, but to continue to live. Everything will come in its own time as it always does.
If you have any personal stories that you'd like to share with the readers of xoNecole, please submit your essays to submissions@xonecole.com for a chance to have your voice heard and your story featured!
Featured image by Shutterstock
- Signs He's Not In Love, You're Just Convenient ›
- He Loves You, But He's Not 'In Love' With You? | eHarmony Advice ›
- He Says He's Not IN Love – How to Make a Man Fall In Love ›
- What To Do When He's Not In Love With You | Dr. Jed Diamond ... ›
- He hasn't said he loves me yet. Should I stay or should I go? | Life ... ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
Photo courtesy
My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
Photo courtesy
Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
Photo courtesy
The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
Photo Courtesy
The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
Photo courtesy
The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by courtesy