When Your Life In Pictures Isn't Your Reality
I remember the day one of my maternity photos went viral on Tumblr.
I had to blink a few times and refresh my browser because it was so strange to me. In a single day, this random image had been viewed, liked, and reblogged thousands of times by thousands of strangers. The comments underneath the photo left an unsettling grumble in the pit of my stomach.
“Life Goals…"
“Real Black Love!"
“This is what I want."
It was a photo of us back when we were still an “us."
I was standing with my back against the wall in the rock garden of William Land Park. My six-month pregnant mound was protruding through a sheer maxi dress. His hand was on my belly, his lips kissing my smiling cheeks as I beamed at the camera — filled with satisfaction and pride. We were both still so young. The kind of young that doesn't truly understand the meaning of love and depth and selflessness. The kind of young that comes before life strips you bare and forces you to see what you're actually made of.
It was the middle of spring. Hell, I was still just cute-pregnant — gross-pregnant was a few months away. In this photo, thousands of people had created a story. We were a beautiful Black couple embarking on a family, we had figured it all out, we would possibly live happily ever after.
By the time the photo went viral, we were separated and practically enemies — both facing a new life as single parents.
Behind what looked really simple and organic was actually a lot of work.
Because looking like you love and understand someone is easy, but loving and understanding someone — through the hard shit — is work.
Smiling was the easy part. Posing for a picture and being excited about the arrival of our little one — that required no effort. But being a young family, being newlyweds expecting their first child, navigating the waters of a shaky relationship that we both desperately wanted to keep together — that was the unseen and that was the death of us.
What I've learned since then is that pictures, these things we idolize and hashtag to kingdom come and share with our friends and point to and say,“There it is. That's what I want. That's what I'll have one day…" is really setting us all up for the worst kind of failure.
The kind where you don't make it to the end because you didn't even realize you would actually be required to run to the point of exhaustion. You thought maybe you could just stand on the track and little magical fairy people would carry you to the finish line just in time to snap a pic as your illustrious chest breaks the tape.
What I think is worthy of aspiring to — those things that one simply cannot capture in a photo or a phrase — are the millions of hard things we do everyday internally that help us get to the beautiful moments.
In this life where things come instantly, pictures can often be our worst enemy.
They are staged.
Even the most “candid" of shots are staged.
And what isn't staged is just appealing by the sheer concept of itself. Young couples are sexy, babies are adorable, a well-plated entrée captured in natural light will make you salivate. These are facts. But to build goals around what is captured by a lens in a matter of a few seconds may very well convince you that you're doing it wrong when the ugly sets in.
And the ugly does set in. The ugly is where the magic happens.
The ugly is when it's 4 AM and you just want to sleep but your baby is awake again and it's just you because that picture perfect guy you fell for didn't pan out and you have to scrape yourself out of bed and find the strength to open your eyelids and pull out your breast and not only feed this child, but change this child, tenderly reassure this child that everything is ok even though you don't actually believe that to be true yet.
Ugly is when people you've spent decades building relationships with begin to fall off because they think you work too much and don't think you're fun anymore, because you would rather sleep than party and the few moments you have to yourself you actually prefer to spend…by yourself.
What I've learned since then is that pictures, these things we idolize and hashtag to kingdom come and share with our friends and point to..
Ugly is when you have to persuade people to give you opportunities you're not even sure you deserve, so you undersell yourself and regret it later. Ugly is when you have to wait days or weeks for a payment from a publisher or a client who might think their little $400 is just pocket money for you, but it's actually what you pay your car insurance with and you count the days to its arrival because being a freelancer sometimes feels like a cruel joke you voluntarily play on yourself.
That you show people and say, “This used to be a person I could touch and hug and tell secrets to…" even though no one could possibly comprehend how much people who have died actually meant to the ones who loved them. And the cruelest part of remembering someone who passed is how you might linger a little too long on the memory of them cursing you out or telling you their disappointed in you or crying to you over the phone because they knew they would be dead soon and raged for a moment against the unfairness.
And no one wants to remember that.
No one shares pictures of their ugly internal quiet shit. Even though every beautiful moment we've all ever witnessed was filled to the brim with all the ugly shit that made it possible.
Then there are those times when something fills me with so much joviality but is also sincerely no one's business that I wouldn't dare take a photo of it and post it to Instagram or Tweet about it (#ILoveMyLife) or even tell a friend. I just kind of marvel in it, and all of its effortlessness and in its rarity. This is when I generally fall silent and take things in as deeply as I can knowing there will be no tangible evidence of its existence. Knowing that when it passes, things may get significantly harder.
I find solace in knowing that my fondest, most important, most romantic, most endearing moments are nowhere to be seen.
I'm glad that even though I stand just as human as the rest of the world, forever chasing beautiful things and sparkly shiny sun-drenched goals — I still rest happily in the privacy of my sh-tty moments.
And I remind myself that the magic is in the work, not the results.
Ashley Simpo is a freelance writer, creative and founder of bare frut collective, the first online directory for creative black girls. Follow her at @AshleySimpo
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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