What I've Learned About Being My Man's #1 Cheerleader
My husband and I were having a general discussion about relationships and such awhile back.
During this particular conversation we talked about how and why some men hate going home to their wives for whatever reason and he told me, “Baby, there are two types of married men – those who love going home and those who hate coming home.” Yeah, pretty blunt, right? I know, but we like to keep it real when we talk. He was explaining how some men really don’t enjoy coming home because they don’t get the love, support or encouragement like they should.
For me personally, there’s something about cooking and preparing a meal for your man and watching him partake of it after a long, hard day at work. Call me sappy, ol’ school or whatever, but that’s why it means so much when he tells me that he loves coming home to me because I feel like it’s one of my main duties as a wife – to provide a comfortable and loving atmosphere for our home and our family.
Now, of course everyday isn’t perfect, and I’m definitely no “Perfect Patty” – especially if I get in one of my moods (LOL). Quite honestly there are days when we disagree or have an argument and we can’t stand to be in the same room with each other. But most of the time I, like many other women, strive to do what I can so he wants to come home instead of pushing him out in the street or worst case, into the arms of another woman.
[Tweet "I strive to do what I can so he wants to come home...."]
And I’ll say this as a side note – there are in fact a lot of women who go above and beyond to create an atmosphere of love, but unfortunately there are some men who take advantage of it, and that’s not right. Although many will claim this (or lack thereof) as a reason for stepping out of their marriage or relationship, it’s never a valid reason. Rather it’s usually a symptom of how one is feeling, and it should be addressed and resolved in a more useful, honest and practical way.
Nevertheless, as someone who really didn’t have a blueprint for marriage and wasn’t exactly sure how this whole “marriage” thing worked, I always knew I wanted to do whatever I could to create a comfortable and happy atmosphere for my husband. But it wasn’t until we were officially married that I realized just how important this was and what it looked like. Mind you, it’s easier said than done because it’s easy to get so caught up in our personal wants and needs that we forget what it means to submit to each other and satisfy the needs of our spouses.
So, I figured why not share some of what I’ve learned (and am learning) about being my man’s number one cheerleader and what that looks like at home!
Home should feel like an inner sanctum, not a jail cell.
Unlike jail, there is no rule that says once you’re married both parties have to be tied down to each other 24 hours a day. Sometimes as women we have a tendency to try and control our man’s every move and quite honestly, it’s usually a sign of our lack of trust. Eric and I understand that some days we both need our space, but we also understand our limits and boundaries.
For example, my husband loves to work out at the gym so he goes a few times during the week and will stay for hours. Instead of bugging him with questions like, "Where are you going? What are you doing? Who are you with?” I let him live--especially because I want the same in return. Trying to tie someone down or keep them bound at home will only make them yearn for “freedom” even that much more. Home is where the heart is. He shouldn’t feel like that’s where he’s going to find hell on earth.
Create an atmosphere of admiration, not agitation.
In other words, nag him less and encourage him more. For me, a lot of times this means “don’t sweat the small stuff.” I have a tendency to nag or bother Eric about little stuff – whether it’s a dish in the sink, his clothes everywhere or even the trash. While little things can build up to become bigger issues, I’m learning how to pick my battles and try to focus more on what he’s doing right rather than wrong…or wrong as in not doing things exactly as I would have liked him to! Besides, nobody’s perfect, so just like there are things he has to work on, there are things I need to work on as well.
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Whether they’ll admit it or not, men need positive reinforcement, too. Sending cute, caring and kinky texts, writing love letters and emails, or even buying cards are just a few simple ideas to show and tell them how much we appreciate them. Awhile back I wrote Eric a cute little love note and snuck it into his car, so when he went off to work he would see it as he was getting into his car the next morning. He still has the note in his car to this day. Other times, I’ll go and buy a greeting card (he loves greeting cards) just to let him know I’m thinking of him or to let him know “I appreciate you” or to congratulate him for something he did on the job. Whether big or small, it definitely goes a long way.
Let him relax.
When our men come home from work, are they greeted with, “How was your day honey,” or “Ugh, I couldn’t wait for you to get home so you could do this?” I don’t know if anyone else is guilty of this but sometimes I go through the day thinking of this and that and coming up with a “honey-do-this” list for my husband and I say to myself, “I can’t wait for him to get home and start working on this,” or “He needs to do this as soon as he gets home.” But I’ve learned that sometimes I need to give him a moment – especially after a long day’s work – and let him relax. For instance, when I do his laundry and fold his clothes, usually the only thing left for him to do is to hang them up (I’m pretty short so I can’t reach his side of the closet.) So instead of hitting him with it as soon as he comes through the door, I’ll put off mentioning it until later or ask if he could at least do it before we go to bed or before he goes to work the next day. Once I truly think about how hard he works and how much he deals with on a daily basis, the last thing he wants when he walks through the door is to hear me yelling or nagging at him about something.
Know when to turn up and when to turn down.
Listen…I know there are times when not all arguments will start or end at home. Sometimes you get angry in public or in the car on your way to an event, but that doesn’t mean the anger has to be revealed at that very moment in time--and it definitely shouldn’t be done in a way that will demean or embarrass him in front of others. Timing is everything. Furthermore, we know when his favorite basketball team is playing. We know he enjoys football all day even if it is back to back games, just like we enjoy our favorite TV shows, books, quiet time, etc. So while he’s watching his sports, I will either join him, watch the other TV, or find something else to do, but what I won’t do is interrupt him and say, “Can we talk?” Football season for me usually means one of two things: more girl time or more “me” time, so take advantage of it.
Honestly, Eric is actually pretty flexible when it comes to making time for other things even if it is football season. We find ways to compromise whether it’s football or even vice versa when one of my favorite TV shows is on. Of course, if it’s critical and a really important issue that seems to be a little too much, then it’s time to have an open and honest discussion in hopes of finding a resolution.
RESPECT.
Showing our men the respect they deserve is probably one of the biggest and most important ways to show them we’re they’re number one fan. More importantly, we have to let a man be a man.
[Tweet "Respect is not only in what we say but what we do."]
There are times when I may get upset about something with my husband, and even though I may not verbalize exactly what I’m thinking Eric can usually tell through my actions or facial expressions what I’m thinking. Unfortunately, at times my body language or facial expressions can convey a certain level of sarcasm or as if I’m being condescending. So, I have to be mindful of my words and my actions to avoid making my man feel less than anything but a man.
Good men deserve to have good news shared about them.
Moment of transparency…sometimes I feel bad about posting pictures or cute anecdotes about my hubby. But then I think to myself and realize if people can post and talk so much about how terrible some of these men are out here, then surely I have a right to and should post or talk about the opposite. For me, it’s not to brag or boast; rather, it’s a testimony of how much God has blessed me and blessed our relationship and to show just how good He is. I’ve also noticed that it actually encourages others. I’ve had so many women – and even men – tell me how encouraging it is to see the love between the two of us whether in real life or even through an image or story I’ve shared via social media. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Ladies, don’t be so quick to tell your girlfriends all the bad things about your man but slow to tell the good things about him. If they never know how good he is to you, then how will they know if he’s good for you? So, don’t be hesitant or feel bad about sharing good news about your man.
As always, be mindful of how much is too much as it relates to sharing anything about your relationship. At the end of the day not everyone is a cheerleader for your relationship, and then there are those who will try to cheer louder than you. But one thing’s for certain, there’s only one cheerleading captain over here and no one is going to scream or cheer louder for my man than me.
Originally published on White Noyze
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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