Waking up Alive: What I Learned After Surviving My Suicide Attempt
I’m a terrible suicide survivor. Or at least that’s what it felt like.
Close to three months ago as a result of life’s inertia and an overpowering feeling of losing control, I made the impulsive and life altering decision to end my life. I wasn’t depressed. I didn’t think about it over and over again in advance. I didn’t send out any unanswered cries for help. I was simply hit by multiple major stressors, seemingly at once and immediately decided that ending my life made more sense than trudging through my existence picking up the pieces one by one.
In that instance I walked the block and a half left to my apartment, poured a glass of water and methodically consumed over 40 pills prescribed to me to control the symptoms of my bipolar disorder. Three different psychiatric drugs made their way into my system within seconds, and I never thought twice about what I was doing. Afterwards I calmly wrote a letter to my family, turned off my phone, and walked to my favorite path by the Hudson River and waited to die.
Due to what can only be summarized as divine intervention, my lifeless and unresponsive body was found under the George Washington Bridge, and thus began what will likely be a lifelong journey to healing and understanding.
I think of my suicide attempt often. The burn marks on my chest from the defibrillator used to bring me back to life are a constant reminder of that faithful day. In February after a two week hospital stay and upon my release I just wanted to be normal. I hated the look of concern that dotted the eyes of my loved ones. The “Hey girl, what’s up!” conversations that I spent my lifetime receiving from my friends were now replaced with daily check-ins to make sure that I was “OK”. I recognize now that the people around me were still mourning the loss of the Kasey that they so effortlessly knew and were now figuring out how to interact with this new version of me. This person capable of doing something so utterly inconceivable.
They were afraid. They were hurt. And they were on high alert.
Selfishly it didn’t matter to me; all I wanted was normalcy – no matter what. I began to shun my concerned network of friends and gravitated to those who didn’t know what I had done. I ignored texts, avoided calls, and when I was hunted down I made sure to cut all interactions down as drastically as possible. I rarely spoke about my suicide attempt and I made sure that not a tear left my eye. I was eerily “OK”. My endeavor to end my life seemed like a series of events that happened to someone else and I was just a keen observer, taking it all in from the sidelines like everyone else. I wanted so desperately to move on, even if those around me couldn’t.
As I watched the drama unfold surrounding the young singer Kehlani and her attempted suicide my heart breaks for her. After days of speculation and online bullying concerning her relationship and accusations of cheating, Kehlani is reported to have tried to commit suicide by overdosing. Soon after while in the hospital, she proceeded to upload a photo of herself on a gurny with the caption “Thank you for saving my life” directed to her ex-boyfriend who sat beside her in obvious disarray. Many people slammed her after posting the photo claiming she was using her situation for sympathy, looking for attention and as we so eloquently put it in 2016, “Doing it for the gram”.
I remember my psychiatrist telling me that there are two types of people that attempt suicide: those crying out for help and those who genuinely want to die. I don’t know which category Kehlani falls under, but I do know that her actions and the harsh responses following it reminded me so much of my own situation and the overbearing responsibility of suicide survivors when it comes to those around us. Who can truly judge what qualifies as appropriate behavior following such a violent situation? In the social media saturated world that we live in, maybe the only way she knew how to thank the person that she credits for saving her life was to applaud him publicly. I honestly don’t know, and neither do the people criticizing her actions. People have this warped expectation of how a person should behave after something so tragic, but can anyone truly dictate the actions of another and what qualifies as their healing process? It is difficult enough to begin to recover mentally, emotionally and physically from attempting to take your own life, but having to take on the weight of those around you can be far too much to bear sometimes.
Now multiply that by the thousands chiming in on her life right now.
Individuals must come to accept that the aftermath of an attempted suicide is different for everyone. The healing process may not look the way you imagined and could quite possibly not happen when you want it to – and that’s okay. As a concerned community our power comes from support, not expectations.
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Suicide is quite possibly the most unnatural thing a human being can do. Life is meant to be protected and prolonged, often times by any means necessary. To go against that engrained instinct to survive is unfathomable to most people. Family, friends, spectators, supporters - everyone is watching and attempting to wrap their heads around the complexities of such actions. I don’t think I ever had the question “Why” hurled at me so often as I did after my suicide attempt. People just want to somehow understand how such a terrible thing could happen; and guess what - on some underlying, hidden, visceral level, us suicide survivors want to understand too. Unfortunately it’s just not that easy.
So cut Kehlani a break (I’m looking at you Chris Brown). A young woman felt so much anguish that ending her life felt like a viable option. Let’s focus on that. Let’s focus on surrounding her with love and compassion. Let’s focus on creating a discourse around this topic so that others who may be considering harming themselves feel supported in such a way that they will reach out for help in their own time of need. Let’s stop victim shaming long enough to realize that either this was a genuine attempt to end a life or it was a desperate cry for help, and either way, Kehlani needs more then to be the brunt of a joke or a tasteless meme.
Put aside your personal views on what brought her here. Ignore the gossip. Disregard whatever post or tweet that may have raised an eyebrow and let’s collectively support one of our own. Today Kehlani represents the thousands of individuals at their lowest point, just looking for a helping hand; let’s give it to her.
Kasey Woods is a freelance writer, entrepreneur, mental health advocate and creator of the mental health awareness campaign, My Manic Memoirs (www.facebook.com/mymanicmemoirs).
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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6 Spring Events To Boost Your Professional And Social Networks
When spring arrives, we all want to be outside, looking fabulous, and back to socializing. And now is the perfect time to add a few great events to your calendar to get you through the quarter in order to make new friends, build new partnerships, and talk new opportunities to level up.
Spring is a high season for networking and social events for Black women, with many organizations and event entrepreneurs booking prime locations and offering dynamic experiences that you can maximize in whatever way possible. Write down your goals, and get out there. Start with a few of these events between now and the start of summer:
New Orleans Jazz And Heritage Festival, April 23 - May 3
The New Orleans Jazz And Heritage Festival is a 10-day event held over two weekends, bringing together thousands of musicians, craftspeople, and food lovers to share in common threads of culture in the heart of New Orleans. You'll get to enjoy works by artisans local to Louisiana as well as from across the U.S. and around the world.
Black Food Truck Festival, April 26-28
Hosted in Charleston, S.C., the Black Food Truck Festival includes an opening party, access to more than two dozen food truck vendors, and a time to workout with other attendees. Charleston has long been known as a Southern foodie destination, with global recognition due to James Beard-awarded chefs heading popular restaurants there and a renewed focus on Gullah and Geechee culture and food in the region. And what better conversation ice-breaker than to talk about food with a new acquaintance?
Black Women's Mental Health Conference, May 4
Hosted by New York University, this is a one-day event to tackle issues of mental wellness and health that uniquely affect Black women and girls. The keynote speaker for this year is Kim Young, MSW, LCSW, founder of Dope Black Social Worker® and host of the podcast Revolutionary Hoodrat, and leading licensed professionals in the field will offer their insights and share their experiences. And, of course, no college-led event is without time blocked specifically for networking.
Strength of a Woman Festival, May 11-12
Anything with Mary J. Blige headlining or leading is a win, especially if we're talking about women's empowerment and enjoyment. This event will be held in New York City, and beyond the performances from some of our favorites like Muni Long, Jill Scott, and The Clark Sisters, there will be a Gospel Brunch. And even if you're not able to attend or concerts aren't your thing, just being in the city during that time will mean you're bound to run into plenty of other women to network with at local bars and restaurants nearby.
Carefree Black Girl Cookout, May 4
Held in the Queen City, Charlotte, N.C., this is a day festival amplifying the voices and brands of Black women entrepreneurs, artists, and creatives. There will be vendors, glam and beauty bars, and complimentary meals for the first hour (according to the platform's website). They're hosting another cookout in Philadelphia on May 25.
Black Women Leading Live, May 13-16
Touted as an “intimate retreat + conference,” this Virginia Beach, VA event will be held on a resort and is offering a professional development experience led by Laura Knights, founder of the Black Woman Leading® program and podcast. It’s an ideal fit if you’re a mid-level or senior professional, as the topics and approach are set to cater to those levels of career experience, with coaches and speakers pouring into attendees with a holistic approach.
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