Mýa Talks Women Owning Their Power, Veganism & Why She Finds Strip Clubs Empowering
I was introduced to Mýa around eight years old.
I would belt out the lyrics to “Movin' On" as if I understood what it felt like to get cheated on.
And when “It's All About Me" came on the radio, I popped a cassette tape into my karaoke machine to record the song for repeated playback because I was determined to learn the lyrics, though it would be years before I made the connection to the meaning of the line “are you going to get it up?" and become tuned in with the sexual connotations laced throughout the many R&B songs that I grew up listening to.
To me, Mýa was the epitome of sexy. She had a girl-next-door quality about her that matched her seductive vocals. It didn't matter if she was rocking crop tops or one-piece suits, she could draw you in with a subtle glance that only hinted at the depths of her sensuality—something that even now, almost 20 years after the release of her first self-titled album, she still emits throughout her interviews and music. “I'm naturally sexy," she says confidently on our call. “Sexy is owning all parts of you, whoever that is. Owning it, and not being ashamed of those choices."
"I'm naturally sexy. Sexy is owning all parts of you, whoever that is. Owning it, and not being ashamed of those choices."
At 38, Mýa can officially say that she's on some grown woman shit. Gone are the days of poor relationships choices that led to heartbreak, crazy antics that could've landed her in jail, and toxic situations that had her questioning her worth. She's finally experiencing the freedom that she sang about years ago over sweet melodies: the liberty to live unapologetically on her own terms.
In the past, Mýa's “sexy" has gotten her name in more than a few headlines as gossip blogs dug for details of her supposed hookups and breakups with some of the industry's notable male bachelors. It seems with every new single release came a new beau, all of which she's repeatedly denied, even years after the alleged affairs were long laid to rest. Some labeled her a hoe, many slandered her name, and suddenly the “sex kitten" became marked as industry pussy before she could even purr in protest.
But what many didn't know was while the tabloids crucified the songstress in public, she was busy burying her real skeletons in private. In a 2007 interview with Vibe Vixen, she recalls the time she hired a private investigator to track down the other woman of a record producer she was dating, which turned out to be one of many unfaithful encounters that she had with reckless lovers. “I found the chick's address; I went riding by. I was calling her cell phone to see if he would be in the background. I had her work number, all of that. I heard things about an engagement, wedding invitations…I just wanted the truth."
Like many women, she kept the particulars between herself and her psychologist before finally breaking her silence years later on her album Liberation. And now, almost a decade later, she's choosing to take the rocks that were thrown her way and use them as stepping-stones. “I sometimes have to sit down, examine and analyze myself and say, 'what is a mistake?' I'm alive, I'm breathing right now, I have wisdom, I've definitely evolved, so some of the things that I might have considered mistakes back then were necessary for me to grow and be the person that I love that I may not have loved back then," she says.
A part of loving herself means embracing who she is at her core—someone who doesn't follow traditions and refuses to allow others to define who she is, and who identifies more closely with the social exiles than those who are closed-minded and quick to judge. It's part of the reason why she often finds herself in the strip club—for observation and good conversation, of course.
“I go to strip clubs specifically to watch how powerful women are, and I'm a person that's observant of how she carries herself and [believes] women who are not strippers have power, too. I don't care what walk of life you're from; women are just naturally sexy and have an essence about them. Fully clothed and not clothed. If everyone breaks down their walls and stops putting themselves on holier-than-thou pedestals, we can all learn from each other.
"We all have different stories, different experiences, and different obstacles, so not only do I just watch and study, I also sit down and talk to people—strippers in general—to get their journey and back-story. I share a lot of the same walks and obstacles, and I saw myself relating to a lot of people that might appear broken. I'm always connecting with what society would label the outcasts and the weirdoes and the lost souls. It's strange, but I'm learning myself just by talking with people."
On her new album Smoove Jones, she's not the Mýa who used to be bullied for being biracial and having “good" hair, nor is she the Mýa that claps back at gossipmongers and naysayers; she's the Mýa who has grown past her insecurities and imperfections to become a woman who knows herself and goes after what she wants. And one thing she doesn't want is a man who lacks passion in his own life.
“I've found that there's jealousy and insecurity attached to having a passion outside of that person if they don't have the same passion in something else outside of you. If your craft has you very rarely stationary, it can be extremely tough on the other individual. There are trust issues that come with that, insecurities if they're not able to witness how you flow and the hours you have to put in. It can be very demanding and not fair, but there will be a right place and right time.
"You can't appoint another person to save you, and I think that's usually where we go wrong. One or the other person doesn't have a balance in their life and are looking to you as the savior. There has to be a balance in both parties' lives. And it also has to start with spirituality, and nothing else."
Just a few years shy of 40, Mýa isn't pressured to pop out babies anytime soon. She's more concerned with having the right situation than to force a wrong one. Freezing eggs. Adopting children. She's open to all of that if necessary. “I believe that there's a time and a place for the right one that's meant for the true you, and sometimes your career is part of the true you. It's part of your makeup and your gift, and if you're trying to be your best and give your best to the world for whatever reason that's a problem, and there's a void that you have to fulfill within yourself and for yourself."
In the meantime, it's all about taking care of self, and she accredits her still youthful appearance to a vegan diet (she's almost three years strong), cleanses, and self-preservation. “When you invest in yourself, and I'm talking every aspect of yourself: financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, you get younger."
"You really have to stop listening to what the world says is best for you and do what truly makes you happy."
More importantly, she's no longer listening to what the world says to her or about her. She's a grown woman, and she doesn't need validation from anybody outside of herself. “It's still possible to have a beautiful life and you really have to stop listening to what the world says is best for you and do what truly makes you happy."
Featured image via Don Arnold/WireImage
Article originally published in April 2017
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Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images