Mýa Talks Women Owning Their Power, Veganism & Why She Finds Strip Clubs Empowering
I was introduced to Mýa around eight years old.
I would belt out the lyrics to “Movin' On" as if I understood what it felt like to get cheated on.
And when “It's All About Me" came on the radio, I popped a cassette tape into my karaoke machine to record the song for repeated playback because I was determined to learn the lyrics, though it would be years before I made the connection to the meaning of the line “are you going to get it up?" and become tuned in with the sexual connotations laced throughout the many R&B songs that I grew up listening to.
To me, Mýa was the epitome of sexy. She had a girl-next-door quality about her that matched her seductive vocals. It didn't matter if she was rocking crop tops or one-piece suits, she could draw you in with a subtle glance that only hinted at the depths of her sensuality—something that even now, almost 20 years after the release of her first self-titled album, she still emits throughout her interviews and music. “I'm naturally sexy," she says confidently on our call. “Sexy is owning all parts of you, whoever that is. Owning it, and not being ashamed of those choices."
"I'm naturally sexy. Sexy is owning all parts of you, whoever that is. Owning it, and not being ashamed of those choices."
At 38, Mýa can officially say that she's on some grown woman shit. Gone are the days of poor relationships choices that led to heartbreak, crazy antics that could've landed her in jail, and toxic situations that had her questioning her worth. She's finally experiencing the freedom that she sang about years ago over sweet melodies: the liberty to live unapologetically on her own terms.
In the past, Mýa's “sexy" has gotten her name in more than a few headlines as gossip blogs dug for details of her supposed hookups and breakups with some of the industry's notable male bachelors. It seems with every new single release came a new beau, all of which she's repeatedly denied, even years after the alleged affairs were long laid to rest. Some labeled her a hoe, many slandered her name, and suddenly the “sex kitten" became marked as industry pussy before she could even purr in protest.
But what many didn't know was while the tabloids crucified the songstress in public, she was busy burying her real skeletons in private. In a 2007 interview with Vibe Vixen, she recalls the time she hired a private investigator to track down the other woman of a record producer she was dating, which turned out to be one of many unfaithful encounters that she had with reckless lovers. “I found the chick's address; I went riding by. I was calling her cell phone to see if he would be in the background. I had her work number, all of that. I heard things about an engagement, wedding invitations…I just wanted the truth."
Like many women, she kept the particulars between herself and her psychologist before finally breaking her silence years later on her album Liberation. And now, almost a decade later, she's choosing to take the rocks that were thrown her way and use them as stepping-stones. “I sometimes have to sit down, examine and analyze myself and say, 'what is a mistake?' I'm alive, I'm breathing right now, I have wisdom, I've definitely evolved, so some of the things that I might have considered mistakes back then were necessary for me to grow and be the person that I love that I may not have loved back then," she says.
A part of loving herself means embracing who she is at her core—someone who doesn't follow traditions and refuses to allow others to define who she is, and who identifies more closely with the social exiles than those who are closed-minded and quick to judge. It's part of the reason why she often finds herself in the strip club—for observation and good conversation, of course.
“I go to strip clubs specifically to watch how powerful women are, and I'm a person that's observant of how she carries herself and [believes] women who are not strippers have power, too. I don't care what walk of life you're from; women are just naturally sexy and have an essence about them. Fully clothed and not clothed. If everyone breaks down their walls and stops putting themselves on holier-than-thou pedestals, we can all learn from each other.
"We all have different stories, different experiences, and different obstacles, so not only do I just watch and study, I also sit down and talk to people—strippers in general—to get their journey and back-story. I share a lot of the same walks and obstacles, and I saw myself relating to a lot of people that might appear broken. I'm always connecting with what society would label the outcasts and the weirdoes and the lost souls. It's strange, but I'm learning myself just by talking with people."
On her new album Smoove Jones, she's not the Mýa who used to be bullied for being biracial and having “good" hair, nor is she the Mýa that claps back at gossipmongers and naysayers; she's the Mýa who has grown past her insecurities and imperfections to become a woman who knows herself and goes after what she wants. And one thing she doesn't want is a man who lacks passion in his own life.
“I've found that there's jealousy and insecurity attached to having a passion outside of that person if they don't have the same passion in something else outside of you. If your craft has you very rarely stationary, it can be extremely tough on the other individual. There are trust issues that come with that, insecurities if they're not able to witness how you flow and the hours you have to put in. It can be very demanding and not fair, but there will be a right place and right time.
"You can't appoint another person to save you, and I think that's usually where we go wrong. One or the other person doesn't have a balance in their life and are looking to you as the savior. There has to be a balance in both parties' lives. And it also has to start with spirituality, and nothing else."
Just a few years shy of 40, Mýa isn't pressured to pop out babies anytime soon. She's more concerned with having the right situation than to force a wrong one. Freezing eggs. Adopting children. She's open to all of that if necessary. “I believe that there's a time and a place for the right one that's meant for the true you, and sometimes your career is part of the true you. It's part of your makeup and your gift, and if you're trying to be your best and give your best to the world for whatever reason that's a problem, and there's a void that you have to fulfill within yourself and for yourself."
In the meantime, it's all about taking care of self, and she accredits her still youthful appearance to a vegan diet (she's almost three years strong), cleanses, and self-preservation. “When you invest in yourself, and I'm talking every aspect of yourself: financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, you get younger."
"You really have to stop listening to what the world says is best for you and do what truly makes you happy."
More importantly, she's no longer listening to what the world says to her or about her. She's a grown woman, and she doesn't need validation from anybody outside of herself. “It's still possible to have a beautiful life and you really have to stop listening to what the world says is best for you and do what truly makes you happy."
Featured image via Don Arnold/WireImage
Article originally published in April 2017
- Singer Mya Explains Why She Took A Break From The Industry ... ›
- MYA (@myaplanet9) • Instagram photos and videos ›
- MYA (@MYAPLANET9) | Twitter ›
- Mýa – Official Website of Grammy Winning Recording Artist Mýa ›
- Mya Turns 38 Today: Here's Proof She Still Looks 19 All These ... ›
- Going Vegan Has Done 'Wonders' for Mýa | PETA ›
- Waka Flocka Flame, Mya & Russell Simmons Discuss Their Vegan ... ›
- Singer Mya launches 14-day vegan and vegetarian challenge ›
- Mýa: "Going Vegan Made Me Lose 30 Lbs & I Don't Have to Workout ... ›
- Mya, Russell Simmons, Waka And 9 Other Stars Talk Going Vegan ... ›
- MEATLESS MONDAY INTERVIEW | MYA ON VEGAN JOURNEY ... ›
- Exclusive: Mýa Talks About How Her Vegan Diet Helped Her Lose ... ›
- Mya Credits a Healthy Vegan Diet for Her 'Fountain of Youth' ›
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images