The Truth About Your Perfect Man
What makes a man the perfect guy?
Well, the things that count the most in long-term relationships aren't often impressive upon first glance. The image of my perfect man was crystal clear in my mind throughout my 20's...or so I thought.
I knew he would be tall, exceptionally kind, funny, romantic. I knew he would be ambitious and smart and come from a solid family background. I could smell the roses he would bring me whenever I was sad. I could feel the warmth of his arms around me every night as we slept in our perfectly comfortable dwelling. He would be impressively handsome and I would know immediately that he was the one.
Mom issues? Nah.
Unprofitable career? Nah.
Baby mama? Hell nah.
Then, something happened. As I approached my 30's, I started feeling like maybe this dating thing wasn't as easy as Girlfriends and Sex in the City made it seem. You don't just come across these specimens of perfection walking down the street. For one reason or another, my relationships turned into micro-experiences that ended mostly because none of these guys fit into his image in my mind.
A lot has changed since I curated the perfect man in my head.
I survived my 20's with my heart in tact and married a man I called (and still call) my best friend. We had a beautiful child together but eventually ended our marriage - so much for perfection. Suddenly, as I dove back into the dating world, I realized that I was now exactly what I had been running from. I was a woman with a past that someone would have to look beyond in order to get to know me. I learned a valuable lesson about what really matters in relationships and why some of us might actually be overlooking our blessings.
His Past Will Not Define Him
So, what if the potential bae in your life comes with baggage?
Looking for a man who didn't have a single familial issue proved to be challenging. I dated guys from the hood and guys who went to Ivy League colleges and not a single one could reflect on their parents flawlessly.
Growing up unscathed may not even be something that exists - at least not in the black community.
We are all greatly impacted by our childhoods. Instead of looking at the "what," I took a deeper look at the "why."
If he endured physical or emotional abuse at the hands of a parent, is he aware of the work he has to do in order to move past that damage in a healthy way? Instead of looking for a man who had a perfect history - because Lord knows, I certainly didn't - I looked for the man who was self-aware enough to commit to being an ever-evolving work in progress.
Good on Paper, Bad in Bed?
Here's a deal-breaker for you.
What happens when he's pretty much perfect but the sexual chemistry is off? I found myself pulling back in the beginning stages of dating just in case the sex was whack. The truth of the matter is, chemistry is automatic but sex is a process. Learning each other's bodies and sexual preferences takes time. Hinging an entire future with someone on the first few romps in the sack could eliminate the very person who is meant for you. I learned to define what a good sex life actually is. Simply, open and honest communication about what pleases each of you and the willingness to give it a try.
When it comes to creating the perfect sexual partner - practice makes perfect.
Text Back vs Got Your Back
So what if his text back game is garbage?
Here's the thing about men who can't handle digital communication - a lot of us can't handle it. Texting back is not an indicator that a man is interested in you. Instead, maybe it's an indicator that texting is kind of irritating and no one wants to be a slave to instant communication. While women are generally strong communicators, men typically like to keep it simple.
I've had so many friends tell me they have given up on a guy because he never hits her back. The game of text-tag that happens in today's digital atmosphere can be exhausting. But think about the long-term. Do you really want a boyfriend who texts you every five minutes? Most of the time, worrying about the text back is an indicator of insecurity and maybe the assumption that if he's not texting you - he's texting someone else.
Here's The Secret No One Wants To Tells You
The most valuable lesson I learned was this - the best man for you is very often the least exciting on paper. That unattainable guy you've had a crush on for years who never quite seems to be ready to settle down? Let that go. Long-term relationships are not full of exciting days and wild nights. They are full of ups and downs and highs and lows - and what matters most is finding a place of understanding with someone. The partner that's going to see through all of that with you is going to be someone who isn't with you just to be entertained. He'll be settled, sure of himself, and not up for constantly proving his admiration. In short - he might be a little boring.
Okay, but let me explain what I mean by "boring."
I've had the jet-setter boyfriend, the rich boyfriend, the popular boyfriend who always has something exciting going on. Those guys are fun to date, but settling in for the long haul is a different story. Eventually, I learned (the hard way) that there are two types of men.
There are the “instant gratification" men. The guys who wow you in bed the first night, impress you with phenomenal text-back skills, and basically bring their A-game for the first few weeks of dating. Then, there are the “slow release" men. They take their time, they know their worth, they pursue but don't chase, and they very often save the best for last.
The problem with having that prince-charming list is that it eliminates the need to get to know someone and just use your gut. Instead, you check things off one-by-one and if they don't add up, you lose hope. But, not everyone looks good on paper, and that doesn't mean they won't be good to your heart.
Dating is fun, but long-term relationships are the product of learning and growing together and focusing on what's most important. Decide what you really want - fun now or stability later? Invest in that. But be sure to manage your expectations along the way.
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- How to Find the Man of Your Dreams (with Pictures) - wikiHow ›
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Regina King Reflects On Grief and Loss After Her Son’s Death: ‘The Sadness Will Never Go Away.’
The pain of losing a child is an experience that no parent wants to go through — and actress Regina King is now ready to speak about her experience with grief two years after her son’s passing.
In her first TV interview appearance since her son, Ian Alexander Jr., died by suicide in January 2022, King sat down with Good Morning America, to reflect on the tragic loss.
“I’m a different person, you know, now than I was January 19,” King shared. “Grief is a journey, you know? I understand that grief is love that has no place to go.”
“I know that it’s important for me to honor Ian in the totality of who he is, speak about him in the present because he is always with me and the joy and happiness that he gave all of us,” she added.
The Shirley star also added that it's vital to discuss the common misconception surrounding depression, noting that battles with mental health can manifest in diverse ways. “When it comes to depression, people expect it to look a certain way — they expect it to look heavy,” King told Robin Roberts.
“To have to experience this and not be able to have the time to just sit with Ian’s choice, which I respect and understand… He didn’t want to be here anymore, and that’s a hard thing for other people to receive because they did not live our experience, did not live Ian’s journey.”
Jeff Kravitz / Contributor/Getty Images
The Academy Award winner openly revealed that she was initially “so angry with God.”
“Why would that weight be given to Ian? Of all of the things that we had gone through — therapy, psychiatrists, programs — and Ian was like, ‘I’m tired of talking, Mom,' " she said.
With the memory of her son near to her, King said through tears, “My favorite thing about myself is being Ian’s mom and I can say that with a smile, with tears, with all of the emotion that comes with that. I can’t do that if I did not respect the journey.”
Anderson, 26, was a musician, DJ, and King’s only child. In 2019, Ian escorted his mother on the red carpet of the Golden Globes where she took home the award for "Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture."
He toldE! News at the time, "She's just a super mom. She doesn't really let bad work days or anything come back and ruin the time that we have. It's really awesome to have a mother who I can enjoy spending time with."
Understanding that grief is shared by many others, King emphasizes the unique weight of her role as Ian's mother and acknowledges that the sadness will always be a part of her.
“Sometimes, a lot of guilt comes over me. When a parent loses a child, you still wonder, ‘What could I have done so that wouldn’t have happened?’ I know that I share this grief with everyone, but no one else is Ian’s mom, you know? Only me. So it’s mine. And the sadness will never go away. It will always be with me.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
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Featured image by Shannon Finney / Stringer/Getty Images