Tracee Ellis Ross Spoke All The Truth For Women Who Are Not Married And Haven't Had Kids
As a woman who takes pride in being a single lady, I wonder if there will ever be a day when a woman’s worth is not connected to whether or not she got chosen.
Being a woman isn’t easy, but being a woman in the public eye of a “certain age” is even harder. While it is human nature to want our feelings and our experiences validated, it is important to note that your life isn’t anyone else’s. Golden Globe award-winning actress and our favorite girlfriend, Tracee Ellis Ross gave a word on that subject matter while giving a speech at Glamour’s 2017 Women of the Year Summit.
The 45-year-old got real about the societal expectations imposed on women, specifically when asked presumptive questions about marriage and kids when you’ve lived life without either yet. And if it wasn't clear before, Ross spoke a little louder for the people in the back. Being single and childless at 45 is not the bottom line when it comes to her worth or any woman's worth:
“I dreamed about being chosen by a powerful, sexy, kind man who had full lips and gave good hugs and having a baby boy named Lauren. But…I also dreamed of winning an Oscar and being on the cover of magazines and making a difference in the world, helping women find our voices. And from that dreaming, I have built an incredible life. I have become a woman that I am proud to be.“And then someone tells me about their friend who adopted a child at 52 and how … ‘it’s never too late for your life to have meaning’ …and my worth gets diminished as I am reminded that have ‘failed’ on the marriage and carriage counts. Me! This bold, liberated, independent woman."
After listing her accomplishments, which include being fit, a hard worker, a good friend, a great daughter, having great credit, and even winning her Golden Globe, she said:
"I mean I'm killing it. So why? Why do I get snagged this way? As if all that I've done and everything I am doesn't matter. And I look back and think about all the ways that we are told that those two hashtag goals, being chosen and having kids, are what makes you worthy.”
Ross then went on to describe the four-word mantra that ultimately liberated her from dated societal standards:
“My life is mine.“Those words stopped me in my tracks. Those words brought tears to my eyes. Seems so obvious, but obviously it wasn’t. Because I have NOT been living my life as it was my own. I mean to a certain extent yes, but on a deep level, no.
“So, if my life is actually mine…then I have to really live it for myself. I have to put myself first and not be looking for permission to do so.”
Tracee isn't the only woman who has been speaking out on the societal pressures to have kids and get married that women experience as they grow older. Rapper Eve recently disclosed that at the age of 39, she is often asked when she is planning on having kids and Gabrielle Union also revealed that people feel as though her marriage is her greatest accomplishment.
When people say, ‘You’re so lucky Dwyane Wade chose you,’ I’m like, ‘No, I chose myself.’ Once I chose myself and realized I was my best asset, not who chooses me, that freed me up to love myself in a way that allowed me to love other people better, which allowed our love to finally come in after years of back and forth and mental chess matches.There are people that have asked and assume that my greatest accomplishment is
getting married and I’m like, ‘No, just being chosen isn’t an accomplishment.
When you choose yourself, you stop caring about whether or not you get “chosen.” And life opens up for that self-assured, new and improved beautiful magical brave you.
Let Ross inspire you to also choose yourself in her full speech below.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Adrienne Bailon Reveals The Price Of Parenthood After Spending 'Over A Million' On IVF Treatments
Adrienne Bailon-Houghton is opening up the hidden expenses behind becoming a parent.
For PEOPLE, the former Cheetah Girl spoke candidly about how she and her husband, Israel Houghton spent "easily over a million" dollars on their journey to conceive their first child together.
The former The Real host acknowledged that this hefty sum is not attainable for most people, noting, "And that is not realistic for the average person. And I recognize that.”
Adrienne Bailon-Houghton revealed that in addition to enduring several “cycles of IVF,” she underwent numerous other fertility treatments over a challenging six-year period in her journey to conceive her son.
"I only did eight cycles of IVF, but that doesn't include the amount of IUIs I did and every other kind of imaginable treatments that you could imagine for fertility," Bailon-Houghton told the publication. "So it was a pretty tough six years of trying to have my son."
For years, the 3LW singer has expressed her acceptance of waiting for motherhood to align with divine timing, despite the discouragement she faced. In 2018, she shared with her The Real co-hosts, "I've had to come to peace with that it'll happen when it's God's timing, and I believe in that, and I have faith in all of that," she said. "But it can be really discouraging, and it can be really frustrating.”
Upon announcing the arrival of her son, Ever James, via surrogate in 2022, she reflected in an Instagram caption on the challenging journey, emphasizing her gratitude for their newborn amidst years of tears, disappointments, and medical procedures.
"Our baby boy is here & we are so in love! If you have followed our love story… you know that our journey to baby has been very challenging - But God is true to His word and His promises. We have quietly prayed while sitting on this most magnificent secret for the last 9 months," she wrote.
"He is worth every tear, every disappointment, every delayed prayer, every IVF cycle, every miscarriage. Everything. All we feel is joy and overwhelming love & gratitude," she continued.
"Grateful to God, to our angel surrogate and to all of our friends and family who have stood with us for over 5 years on this journey. He's here and we have never been happier to lose sleep! #HappilyEverHoughton 🤍"
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Featured image by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images for alice + olivia